Mae Winters Advice

politics, sex, love, & more

[maewintersadvice]

so- i'm in a great relationship of 2+ years. my partner is my bff. it's the first long term queer relationship i've had. we connect so well but just don't have sex very often. they have different needs and body issues than i do, so sex is often something i want but they don't, and it's okay, and they're comfortable with me having other sexual partners. well, i met someone i like and i feel so inexperienced. i don't know how to talk about not having had a lot of sex without disclosing (continued)

This letter was sent to me in two parts, so here is the rest of what it said:

“(continued) intimate details about my relationship. my partner isn’t okay with people outside of our relationship knowing about our sex life, or their feelings about sex, etc. so my quandary is… how do i explain to a possible new partner that i haven’t had a lot of sex / that it’s been a really long time / that i don’t have much queer sexual experience, without revealing too much? is this even something i need to bring up? (i feel like i do, but maybe there is another way i could frame it?)“

What a great question!  This quandary of how much to share with other partners about your primary partnership (when in an open relationship) is an ongoing mystery for many.  My advice to you is to share in a very simple and direct way about your actual experience.  You can say, “I feel inexperienced at sex” or “I’m really wanting to try new things and expand sexually” and you can leave it at that.  Though your new sex interest may interpret that to mean you have a lackluster sex life with your primary partner, that isn’t your responsibility to manage.  Obviously, your partner wants some level of privacy, but that needs to be considered alongside your need to express your experience in the world. 

For added perspective: having had one queer relationship for 2+ years isn’t that much experience in the grand scheme of things.  So, I think even if you had tons of sex with your primary person, there is just so much to be learned from having a variety of partners that it is quite possible you would still be confronting feelings of inexperience. 

If there are specific things that you are concerned about, for example let’s say you have never had strap on sex or never had oral sex, you can be honest about that being your first time.  You do not need to be dishonest to protect the privacy of your primary partner.  If your new sex partner asks questions about your primary relationship, you can politely let them know that you aren’t going to discuss your primary relationship with them.  And this is key I didn’t say, “tell them your primary partner doesn’t want you to discuss it,” I said you have to own the boundary and hold it.  That is something you are agreeing to, and pinning it on your partner just creates a whole host of disowned boundary issues and triangulation which will impact both relationships in a negative way (which is a common faux pas in polyamory). 

In any new sexual relationship it can be intimidating and there can be fears of not being a competent enough lover.  Talking about sex, desire, and preferences goes a long way!  There is a larger sexual narrative in dominant culture that a good lover is someone who just knows what to do.  However, in actuality a good lover tends more to be someone who pays attention to what you like, what you don’t like, and tailors the experience to that.  I encourage you to develop some comfort around discussing sex and preferences, if you haven’t already.  This would be a way to get around these issues you are confronting without disclosing much about your lack of experience.  Ask your new partner to show you how they like to be touched.  Or what kinds of things they like to do.  And if they don’t know, you can try things out and explore and check in about what feels good and what doesn’t.  Direct communication: always a plus!

One final thought, I don’t know you or your partner, but I am concerned here about the difference between privacy needs and being controlling.  My hope is that you and your partner are navigating this in a way that respects your needs as well.  Humans often need to be able to confide in others for support and I am glad you are reaching out to me, but you should be allowed to have other people in your life (perhaps decided on and discussed with your partner) that you can share with.  Good luck!

- Mae Winters

[maewintersadvice]

Hey Party People! Mae Winters is going to be on the radio this Sunday 10am-NOON with Pure Pop for Queer Lovers!! I’m gathering advice questions to answer on air - please send me your written inquiries! And tune in to hear live advice!

[maewintersadvice]

How to Find a Good Therapist

Choosing a psychotherapist or any other kind of psyche healer is a serious and sometimes difficult task. Therapy is expensive, time consuming, and is a long process – you will benefit from making an educated choice. Here are seven things to consider to help you make the decision:

Mae Winters on how to find a therapist! In Mask Magazine!!

[maewintersadvice]

I have a conundrum that feels impossibly complex and stuck. Theoretically I'm not very jealous, and I like freedom and independence and love to spend time with my friends. However I am severely activated when my partner goes out for an open-ended amount of time late with any friends or hangs out with female friends late in date-like ways. This is a consistent issue over years and dates, and seems to be a physical, mental, and emotional issue. I'm looking at shame, trauma, attachment. Advice?

Attachment theory is based on the notion that we orient toward a caregiver or a romantic partner (and Mae Winters wants to take attachment theory to the next level and include society/peers/groupings of humans) as a way to maintain safety.  Basically, attachment strategies are produced from a place of “I am an infant with no defense mechanisms, how can I stay alive?”  Fear is the most important emotion to look at in the context of attachment, because the infant needs to be afraid of something in order to develop a strategy around it.  And ultimately the biggest fear is usually death, or some kind of pain that might as well be a form of psychic or spiritual death (like child abuse).  Attachment wounds can be traumatic or non-traumatic.  By your use of the word “severe” I would suggest considering that you might be going in to a trauma state.  If that is the case, you will need some new strategies to get out of that enough to think.  When a trauma state is triggered, you no longer have access to the front of your brain, where you rationalize and logically think through things.  That is how you end up being like “The world is ENDING!!” when actually your partner just hit some traffic on the way home.  You can get very creative with ways to get yourself out of a trauma state.  You can use mindfulness, exercise, self talk, movement, grounding exercises, drawing - the sky is the limit.  If you have a common trauma state that you go into, likely that part of yourself will like certain activities and be more activated by others.  A tip: paying attention to your breathing and working toward even, deep breathes tends to work for the majority of trauma states.  To an infant, long bouts of separation from the parent with no end in sight is unbearable, in extreme cases it is also referred to as neglect and it is profoundly impactful on children.  As a child grows and develops more skills (walking, talking, theory of mind) the child is able to develop more complex ways of dealing with fear.  Based on what you are describing, I suggest looking to your early childhood.  I am going to go Freudian on you and get curious about the “late” at night aspect of your conundrum - what was it like to be put to bed at night as a kid?  Were you perhaps the older child who was expected to put yourself to bed while another sibling got more attention?  Did your caregiver leave at night for work or other activities?  Did a caregiver leave and never return or threaten to leave?  Did a caregiver emotionally leave through substance use or other state-altering addictions?  I could go on forever, but you get the idea - consider the significance of what evening time represents to you, or represented to you in your childhood.  Evening is also just a scary time for children - I mean its dark and you can’t see anything!If the issue is an insecure attachment issue - I suggest digging deep into your psyche and putting some words to it.  For example, “I am (or my inner-kid is) afraid you leave because I am not good enough (shame) and that triggers feelings of isolation (fear) which may ultimately bring up very deep unconscious questions about whether or not I am going to survive or die.”  It is possible to heal insecure attachment and you are in a common place to do it: a romantic relationship.  However, with most healing I always recommend a two-pronged approach: you can ask your partner for support, but you cannot ask your partner to be your parent.  Creating an inner parent is your job.  When your partner leaves, you can go deep into those feelings and allow yourself to say what you needed to hear all those years ago “I love you, you are good enough, I am here for you, I am sorry you were so alone, etc.”  You can even imagine giving your little kid self some physical comforting, or give your adult self that comfort - hug yourself, wrap yourself in a blanket, warm yourself near a heater, etc.  You can ask your partner to contribute to the healing, perhaps you need words of reassurance or a concrete check-in time.  A final word on shame.  W. Ronald D. Fairbairn once wrote, “it is better to be a sinner in a world ruled by God than to live in a world ruled by the Devil.”  If you think shame sucks to feel, imagine feeling totally powerless in a cruel, unjust world.  As a child, it is intolerable to realize that the very people who are supposed to protect us are flawed and may in fact be hurting us.  Rather than experience that level of powerlessness, children internalize the “badness” and live with shame.  Embedded in shame is a false sense of power, that you have some kind of control over all the bad shit happening, when ultimately you didn’t.  When we are in intimate relationships with others we end up having to tolerate a lot of feelings.  For many of us there are certain feelings that are very difficult to tolerate (or certain combinations of feelings, under certain circumstances).  Learning to tolerate powerlessness may also be a part of this journey.- Mae Winters

[maewintersadvice]

I recently ended a relationship with someone who many in my queer community respect for their politics, feminism, and sexual openness. After being in a relationship with this person, I saw another side- one that was controlling, deceptive, privileged, and in many ways did not remind me of what they express to friends and the larger community. How do you account for these kinds of differences? They're human, but it sucks.When people applaud this person, I bite my tongue in fear of "talking shit."

First to answer your question “How do you account for these kinds of differences?”  Thoughts and actions are very different, as are community members versus intimate partners.  From a psychological perspective, being controlling, deceptive, and exercising privilege are strategies to cope with our emotions and needs.  They usually form out of a place of dis-empowerment, and unfortunately get used again and again regardless of how unsafe or dis-empowering the current reality actually is.  Typically, when someone is controlling they have a need, but are afraid to express it or be vulnerable when expressing it.  When someone is deceptive, a good guess is that they don’t feel safe being honest or asking for their needs to be met directly.  Exercising privilege typically happens when someone feels afraid or ashamed and they reach into their handy box of tools to deal with the fear or shame and come out with the easiest thing they have access to - privilege!  And it is so infuriating and most of us do it!  For a lot of people, they can keep it together and be an awesome human when it comes to less intimate relationships, however most of the things you are describing sound like remnants from the wounding of intimate relationships, which means that is where the issues get triggered and that is where the issues (and the strategies to cope) get played out.  On to the issue of how you and your community will hold this… If we had to break down a psychological recipe for what creates oppression the primary ingredient would be fear and rather than preheating an oven, we start to manifest the oppression through something I will call good/bad thinking.  Good/bad thinking is a dichotomy - meaning only good and bad exist, they are mutually exclusive, and there cannot be a complex way of understanding a person or their behaviors.  Example - men are good, women are bad.  We call that sexism.  Someone commits a crime, they are now bad too.  Good/bad thinking devalues one person/group, while idealizing the other.  Both people/groups are essentially dehumanized.  Though being idealized might seem that you are still also being humanized (and if you are person with privilege, listen up, because this part is trés important) you are not.  Being fully in your humanity allows you to accept your capacity to make mistakes, to be destructive, to be lazy, to be unkind, to be sexual, to be angry, to be slow, to be less than perfect, to be in poverty, to be powerless, to be dependent (all things that people in privilege like to project onto people with less privilege).  This process is a part of the underlying fabric of US dominant culture and systems of oppression.  I am so happy you are inquiring about this issue, because I think it is actually at the forefront of the psychological revolution that needs to occur for us to continue the revolution in the physical sense of the world.  I have been in a similar situation to you, and my heart goes out to you.  It can be so disappointing and dis-empowering to experience a fellow activist/critical thinker behave in ways that are hurtful and even worse - employ their privilege to do it.  When that is followed by seeing the community “applaud” that same person for their politics - its infuriating.  It can be compelling to “talk shit” in an effort to degrade this person and their personal relationships through spreading information about how bad this person really is!  However, that kind of activity is actually a continuation of the good/bad thinking (read: primary mode of continuing oppression).  I guarantee you that will only make you feel better in the moment.  In the long run, it creates more harm for you and the other person.  It robs you of the opportunity to be your full self, to acknowledge and be curious about why you were in a relationship like this in the first place, to explore your part in co-creating a relationship that hurt you so much, and it also deprives you of the apology and accountability you may be seeking from this person.  Often when we "talk shit" we also deprive ourselves from talking about more vulnerable emotions, which the expression of is essential in the healing process.  To heal in a lasting way, that creates the change in your life which will allow you to be in relationships and community where controlling, deceptive behavior is not acceptable, I encourage to step beyond this compelling form of response and choose something more congruent with your heart and your political values.  As Audre Lorde once sad, “For the master’s tools will never dismantle the master’s house. They may allow us to temporarily beat him at his own game, but they will never enable us to bring about genuine change.”  Words to live by.  

I encourage you to ask yourself, What do you need from this person and from your community to heal?  Let a deep part of you answer this question.  (If you need some help, consider these: Being seen and heard without judgement, in a way that allows you to maintain your humanity.  Verbal acknowledgment of the ways that the actions of your ex impacted you.  Being reminded you will still be loved and worthy of dignity despite hurtful things you may have done to yourself or to others.)  Often times people are better able to offer support if they have a clear request.  How can you turn the needs from above into a clear request?  An example, “My ex has undeveloped politics around class issues.  As our mutual friend and an ally to me, would you be willing to support my ex in thinking more critically about this when situations arise.”  Or, “I need someone to listen to me vent about how hard this situation was, while also accepting that I am an ok person even if I am angry and having negative thoughts and impulses toward this person.  Can you do that for me?” Or, “I want to talk about how hard this situation was with someone who can still see the humanity of my ex, even if you hear things that you really don’t like or approve of that my ex did.  Are you able to do that?”I absolutely think it is important for you to get support and talk to your community about your experiences, what matters is how you talk about it.  Are you talking about it in a manner that allows you to achieve the answer from the question above or are you talking about it in a manner that strips your ex of their humanity (i.e. they are a bad person)?  If it is the latter, I gotta ask you - What are you afraid of?  What are you trying to achieve by making this person out to be bad?  If you cannot think of anything you are afraid of, consider that you might be afraid of a feeling, like feeling disappointed, ashamed, or vulnerable.  It may take time to answer that question.  We live in a culture that not only supports this good/bad thinking, but actually grounds itself in it (and social justice activist circles are far from exempt when it comes to this kind of thinking/acting).  What I am encouraging you to do is not easy, it takes an incredible amount of personal strength to extract yourself from that kind of internal process after a lifetime of conditioning that created it.  This is an opportunity to cultivate holding complexity.  And holding complexity is revolutionary.  All of us are capable of harming one another.  In a world where we cannot accept that complexity, and we become “bad” at the drop of a dime, we set ourselves up to eternally fail and live in constant shame and fear.  We require that people are either punished (prison, octracized) or exonerated (that person would never do such a thing!  we don’t believe you).  Ultimately, we deprive ourselves of the intimacy that is possible through seeing and being seen in our goodness and our badness, or rather our wholeness.  Good luck!- Mae Winters

[maewintersadvice]

Dear Mae Winters, I've been dating a guy for 5 months and it's starting to feel awkward that I'm not deepening the relationship. I don't see him being in my life long-term and part of that is because he's impotent. He was sexually abused as a child over a sustained period of time, and has never sought out therapeutic support (and generally hates doctors and distrusts therapists). I would like to be in a relationship that is able to be sexually satisfying w/out being sex-pressured... thoughts?

My advice to you is to be honest with your partner, while also being compassionate.  Before you are honest with your partner, you need to be honest with yourself.  Most of us are wrapped up in ideas about how a relationship needs to look for it to be “successful” or “healthy.”  However, in reality (and outside of dominant heteronormative narratives) you can make a relationship anything you want it to be as long as the other person is consenting.  My question to you is, what do you really want to receive, to give, and to create with this guy?  You could be casual friends, close friends, acquaintances, occasional lovers, etc.  Whatever it is, communicate that with him.  He may be into it and he may not, but the alternative is to continue feeling awkward and unmet.  If the thing that you want is to break up with him, do it.  Staying with someone out of guilt or fear doesn’t serve anyone.  Honesty is usually a gift, even when it hurts.  He probably isn’t reading this post, but my wish for him is that he can find a therapist he trusts.  Healing from childhood sexual abuse is made much simpler and has way better results with the skilled support of a therapist.  Good luck to you both. - Mae Winters

[maewintersadvice]

To M. Winters- Advice for one who wishes to find a new way to date post punk-scene when one does not wish to engage in online dating? I am a late-30's, still pretty radical, still a little punk, person living in a smallish town who is having the hardest time figuring out how to date! I realized recently that all my relationships, up until this point, have basically been mediated by the punk scene (either meeting at a show, or drunk, or both) and that is not really my fun-time anymore... ) -xo

Dear XO,Based on your description, I am going to make a guess - do you live in Olympia, WA?  Yes, you do!  Well congratulations on finding yourself in a wonderful little town, where there are not many people in their 30s that are also single.  Rest assured you are not alone in this quandary!  Short of online dating or moving to Portland, OR - here are my suggestions for bringing yourself into contact with more humans, thus more potential dates:1. Make a list of the qualities you want in a partner.  I prefer to do this in three sections: qualities they need to have, ones you want them to have (but could live without), and ones they cannot have (deal breakers).  2. Think about where a person with the qualities you described in step 1 spends their time.  Are those places you would eventually spend time with a partner?  Consider doing it now, as a single person.  An example: Did you put “loves animals” on that list?  Visit a farm, an animal rescue center, a pet store, a dog show, a dog park, a wolf sanctuary, or a veterinary convention.  Or, did you put “likes being creative” on that list?  Visit an art supply store, start a craft night, go out to galleries, join a choir, take a singing class, or volunteer at an organization that offers creative opportunities to youth (this one also covers “likes kids” in case you put that on the list too).  It is very common for people to want their partners to be developed in ways that they actually hope to develop themselves at some point.  This step is about meeting new people and about developing longed for qualities in yourself through that process.  3. Make new friends.  Friends connect us to their networks of people, which means more potential dates.  If you aren’t inclined to do things like this, make a goal for yourself - 1 new friend hang out every 14 days, or 1 new activity that you wouldn’t normally do once a week.  4. Tell (or remind) your friends you are single and wanting to date - and maybe give them a framed copy of your list from step 1?5. Practice talking to strangers while sober and be patient.  Meeting a person that you could potentially share a deep intimacy with takes time and happens organically.  These tips are for getting you into contact with more people, but once you are talking to them, be patient with yourself and relax.  And remember - when you ask someone out you are giving them a gift, despite their response to you.  Whoever you are, you’re a major babe.    I hope this helps, XO.  From one post punk in their 30s to another!- Mae Winters

[maewintersadvice]

3 Ways That White People Can Support the Movement to End Anti-Black Racism and Police Brutality

I have recently seen some articles floating around on social media sites describing things a white person can do to support the movement to end anti-Black racism and police violence against Black people.  Though I agree with many points these articles have made, most of the points are about learning and self-awareness.  We do need a major consciousness shift in this country and education is an important step in creating that.  However, I want to offer some advice on other things we white people can do to take action.  In the last several weeks, the movement has reached an incredible high and across the country people are joining in collective action to fight for the lives of black people and racial justice.  You may feel disempowered, collapsed with rage and sadness, or confused about the contribution you can make.  However, fellow white people, there is a space for you in this movement.  Below are 3 ways to get involved.  Remember, as white people joining a movement for Black Liberation, it is of the utmost importance that you respect, honor, and defer to the leadership of the Black people driving this movement.  Join the movement, 3 easy steps for white people: 1. Protest/Demonstrate/Use Your Body If you have never been to a protest, don’t fret!  It is a very simple activity.  You can go for as long as you want to or as long as you feel safe (and I urge you to consider the difference between feeling uncomfortable and unsafe).  It is as simple as going out to eat or going to a party.  You just show up and participate in the group activity - usually walking/sitting/standing, holding signs, and chanting.  How can you respect black leadership in a protest?  Don’t take charge and direct the activities - chanting, walking, sitting, standing, etc.  You are a support person to this movement, not the leader.  If that confuses you at all, ask a fellow white person (who thinks a lot about race politics and you know has an advanced perspective on these things) to help you navigate your confusion.  Most protests have support people such as medics and lawyers - you can ask the other protesters about how to find that kind of support in case you need it.  Additionally - many people find that protesting actually brings them a sense of connection to community and a greater cause.  White people are often afflicted by a sense of isolation - this is part of the deal of gaining access to white privilege (silencing your opinions against the status quo, repressing your anger at injustice, isolating yourself from people who are different than you, politely adhering to a dominant narrative that erases your true experience - yeah, it's depressing).  That sense of apathy and isolation may leave you struggling to get out of the house and do something like this, but this kind of activity is a remedy to depression and isolation.  This is the moment to get involved - you can make a difference!    2. Donate/Redistribute Wealth/Use Your Resources We cannot talk about any kind of systemic oppression without talking about class.  Access to resources and money becomes more difficult for all people who are marginalized, and this is a very serious issue in the context of black racism in the US.  The movement needs financial resources and you can make a donation that directly supports the movement in Ferguson right here.  If you are a white person who doesn’t think twice about going out for drinks after work, going out for lunch, going shopping for new clothes, etc - then you have enough to make a donation.  Even if you are only donating $20, that makes an impact - and I encourage you to make a donation that is a reflection of what you can actually afford.  If you don’t think twice about buying plane tickets to a friend’s wedding or a vacation spot of your choice - consider a much larger contribution than $20.  You can also tell your co-workers, family, and friends that you are donating and ask them to join you.  3. Do Not Call the Police/Use Your Head/Alter Your Actions There was a time in this country when white people thought slavery was a fine practice.  Or maybe they didn’t think it was great, but they accepted it as a part of the status quo (again, part of gaining access to white privilege is accepting injustice).  It is my hope that we can someday think about the police & the prison system in the US in the way that we think about slavery - seeing it for the racist and white supremacist atrocity that it is.  When you call the police - you are calling on a system that allows the unjustified murdering of Black people.  Learn about alternative responses to calling the police or using the court system to address conflict and harm. Talk about these alternatives with people in your community and your family.  If you want to stop police brutality in your community one thing you can do is commit to never calling the police.  However, you will want to be clear on a plan of action in an emergency.  Often people call the police because they don’t want to talk to someone that is bothering them, like a neighbor or a person on your street.  If your teenage neighbors have a party that is too loud, how will you deal with that?  Calling the police may be a thought that comes to your mind.  However, you don’t know who is at that party and there is a real possibility that if there are Black teens, their lives may be in danger.  Have you ever heard about Transformative Justice?  It is a methodology for dealing with harm and conflict without causing more harm.  You can learn more about it here.  Invite people to a gathering to talk frankly about what kinds of situations they are calling the police in.  Do the police actually need to be called, or can you find an alternative?  I am a white person.  If you have feedback about this article, please send it to me.  That is how I learn and grow.  - Mae Winters

[maewintersadvice]

I'm in a commited monogamous relationship and I'm really wild about my partner in so many ways, but for a while the love making has felt a little sterile. They seem really into things, but I'm just not there, and they are a really sensitive person that can easily become agitated or sad. I want to make sure we are both experiencing the most happiness possible in our relationship, but how should I start this conversation about this part of our time together?

There is an art to bringing up a complicated topic with a loved one and I am going to give you advice on that.  However, in reading your question I hear some themes that may imply you have some beliefs that it isn’t okay if your partner is sad or agitated, or that it is your responsibility to predict and protect your partner from their core wounds and emotions, or that you’re needs are somehow not as important (for example it is more important that your partner be emotionally protected than it is that you have a fulfilling sex life and fully express yourself), and potentially the idea that you can control your partner’s emotions by controlling yourself.  But more on this later…In terms of bringing this topic up:1. I suggest doing it when you are not having sex.  Doing it during sex potentially creates more charge and pressure - your partner might feel that they have to change immediately.    2. Frame it as your needs.Frame this conversation as a communication of your needs, rather than a criticism of your partner or your co-created sex life.  Do you know what it is that you are wanting?  Express that.  With issues around sex, come issues around shame.  Ask yourself, is there a part of you that may be ashamed or embarrassed to admit your desires?  If there is any criticism toward our partner, it will be fueled by this place of shame.  If you are owning it completely and proudly, you can just ask your partner to try some new things with you.  You can say you have been thinking about it and you would really like to be tied up, or you want to get a flogger and flog your partner as a part of the sex, or you want to try using more dirty talk, etc.  3. Be specific.Specificity will help your partner know exactly what you want to try and how to give it to you, in the case that they are willing and interested.  Knowing what is actually be asked of a person can soothe their anxiety.  Without being specific you leave room for more feelings of confusion and inadequacy to arise than might already be percolating.  In addition, you will be much more likely to get what you want if you ask for it specifically.  4. Get clear on your contributions to this dynamic.  Picking back up where I left off earlier, the work here is also very much about your ability to speak your mind and own your needs and desires.  It sounds like you may be the kind of person who is familiar with denying your own needs and wants in order to emotionally caretake your partner.  Going into a conversation like this is much easier when you know what will trigger you into care-taking mode and you can name the underlying feelings that you are trying to avoid by doing that.  Most people who emotionally caretake their partners are doing it as a strategy to stay connected - as in if your partner gets sad or agitated, they may withdraw from you or leave you.  The reality of being close to people is that they get sad and they get agitated.  I encourage you to consider why it is difficult for you to let your partner experience these feelings, before you go into this conversation.  However, if your partner is significantly withdrawing from you when you express your needs and desires, that is not going to support a happy relationship and I would encourage you to try couples counseling.  My intuitive hit/tip: you don’t want to feel abandoned/ashamed/not good enough and your trigger is when your partner feels sadness or anger.  If that resonates, go with it.  If not, look inward for the answer that is right for you.  - Mae Winters

[maewintersadvice]

∆∆ Mae Winters in Person at Magic Makers Fair ∆∆

Hello lovely readers!  I will be offering Advice and Psyche Artistry at an amazing upcoming craft fair in Oakland, CA, along with several other talented healers and artists.  I will also have complimentary gluten free snickerdoodle cookies for those participating in advice sessions. DECEMBER 14th - mark your calendars and message me in advance if you would like to ensure having a session at the fair. Learn more here: http://themagicmakers.wordpress.com - Mae Winters

[maewintersadvice]

Mae, I've been dating this dreamboat for about four and a half months now. It's an ooey gooey, her smile makes me melt, head over heels type deal. I've been in a number of serious relationships before this one but I'm still having trouble navigating when to say "I love you". I love her, but I'm afraid of making her feel rushed or possibly not hearing it in return. As Jeanette Winterson asked, "Why is it that the most unoriginal thing we can say to one another is still the thing we long to hear?"

My advice to you is to say, “I love you.”  And, perhaps even, “I love you, in that ooey, gooey, your smile makes me melt kind of way…”  There is this very annoying thing about being a human, which is that despite all efforts we cannot control what other humans feel.  I know, it is an upsetting reality that each of us struggles with in some form.  So, yes, she may feel rushed, she may not be able to say it in return, but what I hear you saying right now is that your answer to your fear is to hold your love inside, hiding it from the one who makes it shine so bright.  My question to you, is what kind of feeling will you have to tolerate if she doesn’t say it back, or if she feels rushed?  I am going to take a wild shot in the dark and guess it might be shame or disappointment.  If it is shame - I want to remind you that there is nothing wrong with loving someone and if they don’t love you back - oh the pain!  That is a terrible pain, but it doesn’t make you any less of a lovable person yourself.  If disappointment is your fear, you might consider the conundrum of this denial.  If you don’t give her the chance to meet you with love, you will most definitely continue to go without.  If you speak your reality, you at least have a shot at getting what you so deeply desire.  Sometimes when we love someone, we carefully construct our reality to avoid offering them opportunities to disappoint us, but the day will come.  Being close to another human inherently involves some disappointment and if you end up being disappointed, this is an opportunity for you to explore how you are going to move through that together.  I suggest that you say “I love you” because it is your truth.  Love, eros, the erotic - that is your life energy, your vitality.  Denying it, hiding it, or isolating it in shame is a suppression of your life.  We live in a time where we are told how to love and who to love.  Our religious leaders and our government use the control of love as a form of disempowerment (as seen in legislation and social mores regarding same sex marriage, interracial marriage, sexual acts, etc).  Love and the lack thereof is central to the disempowerment of all people who experience oppression.  The notion that we should be ashamed of our human needs and desires, that we could be conceived of as unlovable - this is just a weapon for control, stemming from state violence, carried on through family and community violence.  To love openly and freely is a radical act and an integral part of your humanity that you fundamentally deserve to express.  It is in that expression that you speak to your right to a dignified and meaningful life.  Audre Lorde also has some advice for you: 

And if my radical pep talk isn’t enough, consider that typically when we feel or think something, it comes into the relational plane.  Your dreamboat can probably already feel it and giving voice to the feelings between you will likely be clarifying, with an opportunity to deepen your intimacy (and fight the patriarchy).  You could also consider sharing your fears and hopes with her, letting her know that you don’t want to rush her, but that you also want to be honest about the feelings you are developing.  Oh! And to my beloved Jeanette, love is as great a need as the need for food and water.  I think the reason something unoriginal is what we all want to hear is because we are all human and truly seeking very similar things. 

[maewintersadvice]

Dear Mae Winters, if Teen Vogue had a cover that read "Discover 10 hot tips for hooking up with that genderqueer cutie!" What would the tips say?

I did some research on Teen Vogue and here is my best shot at what I think TV would really like to be publishing…1. Channel a Fag.  You know what I mean.  There is a distinct difference between fag cruising and gq cruising.  Channel the inner fag in you, that is bold, forward, and owning your gawdess given right to be a sexual creature.  However please note - being direct is different than being an overbearing sleeze with no boundaries. 2. Channel a High-Schooler.  Queers get specific about their types!  Does this hot babe date femmes, other gender queers, dopplebangers, butches, switches, tops, bottoms, poly, monogs…? The list goes on forever and so can the guessing.  This is why you need a high school reconnaissance mission, staffed by your close friends and likely fueled by friendly gossip, to find out what type of person the babe-of-the-hour likes to date.    3. Channel a Middle-Schooler.   That’s right - if channeling a high schooler isn’t enough, you need recon from the pros: middle schoolers.  Tip #3 is where a good friend essentially asks out your romance interest for you by finding out if said person is available and interested in saying yes to a date avec toi. 4. Make an online dating profile.  This one is pretty simple.  It is a great way to meet people who are definitely single and upfront about seeking a romantic or sexual connection with others humans.  And if this babe you speak of is available - there is a 98% chance they have a profile on www.okcupid.com. 5. Role Play.  I am talking about the kind of practice role play you do for a job interview, not the sexy kind - you can save that for the date, if it manifests.  In front of a mirror, with a friend, in the privacy of your own mind, all are great ways to play out and imagine the words you will say.  Notice what feels the most comfortable to you and practice it.  Life is a constant practice and some might say a performance, knowing your lines can decrease the fear factor.  WARNING - it’s about to get deep6. Channel Confidence & Courage.  People find different ways to channel a little C&C, alcohol being a very popular one.  However, I am going to encourage you to channel your C&C by following your own needs when it comes to approaching difficult subjects with near-strangers.  You might consider testing the waters by starting up a conversation about a neutral topic, or introducing yourself at different events until you’ve become an acquaintance, or even the (slightly frowned upon due to it’s confusing qualities) “ambiguous friend hang out,” in which you get to have more time to calm yourself and get to know someone before revealing your romantic interest.    7. Channel the Qualities You Seek in Others, in Yourself.  If tips 1-6 aren’t getting you the action you so deeply long for, consider what it is that you are looking for in others and cultivate some of that in yourself.  People often seek out partners who represent qualities that they are afraid of in themselves or that they struggle to develop.  Consider making a list of things you are seeking in a partner - and then ask yourself, are those ways you wish you could be?  More fully developing yourself is super hot and can bring you into more confidence for when you want to ask someone out.  8. Channel Self-Love. Why do people read tips lists for approaching someone with the opportunity of connection, love, intimacy, affection, sensuality, & care?  Let’s really think about this!  Asking someone out is truly a gift.  Connecting to another person, whether for a lifetime or a one-night stand, offers an array of tender, remarkable, sexy, raw, and wonderful moments.  However, most of us treat this process as if you are offering someone a week old sandwich (with mayonnaise and it hasn’t been refrigerated!).  Here, my friend, is where you channel some self love.  You are a gift to the world and to others.  Not everyone is going to take you up on that gift, but that does not mean you cannot present yourself with pride.  And when someone says no, that isn’t a rejection of you or your core being, it is a preference that the other person is courageously & honestly communicating.  (Honest communication = another gift!)9. Say Fuck Off to Heterosexism & Cissexism.  This question is specific to asking out a genderqueer person, so… I am gonna make a small assumption here that internalized homophobia and other isms will come into play in some form.  Remember tip #8?  Take it to the next level.  We live a world filled with shaming messages that promote a sense of being unlovable.  And if you are a major homosexual/queerdo/uniquely-gendered human, you have probably been shamed for it.  This makes it very difficult to ask people out, because there can be fears about being rejected and shamed for who you are and who you love.  Seriously - self love to the next level, we need it.  10. Channel Self-Compassion & Make a Plan for Aftercare.  Be gentle with yourself.  Bolding asking someone out can end in a triumphant moment of feeling sexy and wanted, and it can also end in a shame spiral.  Both of which are fine, but if you want to avoid the shame spiral, consider what your typical response is to rejection.  Do you shame yourself, have one too many drinks at the bar, say yes to sex with people you aren’t interested in to boost your confidence, or run away to hide while swearing yourself off love forever?  Part of making life simpler is being real about the kinds of limitations you are navigating and the ways that you like to be supported by yourself and others.  If you know you are a shy person who is easily crushed - make a plan for how to care for yourself in case you get a “no.”  Good luck, darling!  - Mae Winters

[maewintersadvice]

Dear Mae, I am conflicted. I identify as pansexual. I've been dating my current partner (cis male) for almost a decade. I feel very secure and committed and yet there is a part of me that cannot be expressed - I miss having sex and intimacy with women and trans* people. Fantasy and porn can only take me so far. My partner is super monogamous and has no interest in threesomes. I don't want to leave my partner, but I also don't know how long I can continue to repress a part of my sexuality.

Let me start by saying, that sounds like a difficult dilemma, in which one or both of you will inherently have to make a compromise and/or experience some grief.  However, grief and compromise are a natural part of being connected to other humans, so you are right on point with your human experience. Going outside of the relationship can look so many different ways.  When we negotiate opening up our relationships, we are negotiating needs and feelings, some of which can change and some of which do not.  If your partner is open to it, I encourage you to discuss all the different ways that an open situation could look - like a brainstorm with *and this is key* no decisions being made. One of the biggest mistakes people make when they ask their partners to open up is coming in with a strong agenda and too little patience.  If you are going to collaborate on finding a solution to this issue, I encourage you to do it together.   You could agree that you are only open to other sexual relations at play parties, sex with another partner 3 times a year, or your partner needs to meet the other person, or your partner needs a full report back, etc.  You can get very creative about how you set things up.If your partner is absolutely not open to discussing this, I recommend couples therapy.  Closed and open relationships trigger attachment issues, but open ones amplify those issues to the point of being unbearable for many people and professional support can be critically important - even if you decide to keep it closed.  Many people come up against their core wounds in the face of poly-land: not being good enough, betrayal, shame, fear, etc.  In a sense, you may be addressing being open on the surface of the conversation, but underneath could be a child that is struggling to trust the safety of the world.  I know - it’s deep and weird, but true.I also want to remind you that when trying to open up a relationship, heteronormativity/the patriarchy can rear it’s ugly head and shame may come up for you or your partner.  If you seek out support, try to seek it out from people who can support you without contributing to the shame.  Some people may blame you for trying to open it up, others may try to blame him for being too rigid - there is no one to blame here and there is nothing wrong or right with monogamy or polyamory. I really hope you find a good solution to this situation, and I am sending you positive vibes of love and luck.  Exploring sexuality and living out the full expressions of ourselves is some trés important sh*t. 

[maewintersadvice]

Dear Mae Winters, I have always been a total extrovert, nourished by socializing. Currently I'm living alone in a small town without close friends or the built-in social time of a punk-house situation. Its making me sad. I'm thinking its good to try to push through this challenge and learn to enjoy being alone, but it really feels like swimming upstream. I admire hermits and introverts but am finding it hard to enjoy this kind of lifestyle myself. Thoughts?

This is a tricky thing - challenging our patterns versus embracing them.  The way I think about what needs challenging and healing versus what can stay the same is to consider the real impact said issue or behavior has on your life.  For example, were you finding that being extroverted and surrounding yourself with community was familiar, but also a struggle?  Perhaps you had a hard time knowing yourself or you were over exhausting yourself or you were unable to practice self-care?  If something like that is the case, then I can see how you are trying to work through something meaningful in this alone time.  However, if you love being around people and there wasn't really an issue with it - then why are you isolating right now?  In addition, even if you are needing to experience more alone time in order to build a deeper connection to yourself, you don't need to do that by completely separating yourself from any kind of community.  I'm gonna get real with you - that sounds terribly lonely.  I am hearing that you were "nourished by socializing" and now you are "without close friends or the built-in social time" of roommates.  No close friends is a really big deal.  Healing and transformation can be painful, but we don't need to torture ourselves.  I don't know what your religious background and heritage is, but something going on in the dominant cultural landscape of the US is a very Christian idea that healing comes through suffering.  Like, if you just feel super ashamed about having needs or being a human and then punish yourself enough you will find some kind of enlightenment (or connection to god) and be absolved of your sins/needs/humanity.  Even people who are raised in non-religious families often adopt this belief system through cultural practices and dissemination of ideas.  Be gentle with yourself as you make deep internal changes.  Community is a powerful force that we need to survive.  - Mae Winters

[maewintersadvice]

Hi Mae, Recently I have become friends with my ex. Is it okay to fantasize about him? We were not a good match as partners and chances are we will still not be. Also, I want to be single so its not a matter of wanting to get back together. However the fantasy is not just sexual, its emotional as well. Sometimes I wonder if I should give myself room to explore it but then I also sometimes wonder if I should reign it in and not indulge what could end up being troublesome. What do you think?

Fantasy can be healing and it can also be dissociative and change your relationships to the people you fantasize about, among other things.  My intuitive hit with you, is to suggest mindfully going deeper into the fantasy as a means to explore the underlying message.  When we think about someone and imagine them saying certain things, or doing certain things, we are actually allowing a part of ourselves to be represented through the other person's image - in this case your ex (cuz you're the one coming up with all these lines and actions this character is playing out).  So, my question to you is, what is that part of yourself that for some reason cannot currently be engaged with directly and must be represented by someone else?  Is it a sensitive part, that loves you unconditionally?  Or treats you with respect?  Or hurts you and then you get to triumph over it?  What emotions or needs get taken care of through this fantasy?  You are engaging with you. And ultimately, can you take the answers to these questions and cultivate this in your real life, in your relationship with yourself and your relationships with others? 

-

My only other suggestion is to pay attention to how this impacts your real life dynamic with your ex.  If you are trying to play out the fantasy in real life, you need to get some consent on that one. 

- Mae Winters, promoter of fantasies

[maewintersadvice]

Recently I've developed high anxiety about going into public, but I have a job I really enjoy in a busy downtown office. For a lot of reasons the only thing that takes away the fear when I leave the house is dress up and impersonate early 20th century British political powerhouse Winston Churchill. However, my coworkers find it weird, and my friends think I'm ruining my career and that I should work from home until "this phase passes." What should I do?

These clothes we adorn ourselves with are all costumes.  It doesn't matter whether you are wearing a forever-21 costume, an I'm-a-normal-person costume, an I'm-slightly-alternative-but-I-really-vote-Republican costume, an I'm-a-wealthy-person-costume, a garage-attendant costume, a lawyer costume, a waitress costume - they are all costumes in service of supporting your performance of life.  You, my friend, happen to be wearing a costume that is tailored to your unique emotional sensitivities. 

-I think you should continue costuming any way you want for the rest of your life (as long as it isn't culturally appropriative because that is just a major FAUX PAS and it actually hurts real people!).  Your co-workers need to chillax, and in ways your presence probably gives them more internal permission to be themselves, so they can also thank you for being a true weirdo/trickster and disrupting the fabric of normalcy.  


-Your friends may have a point.  Is this actually impacting your career?  Like, would you not be able to achieve your dreams by dressing this way (because other people may be judging you/limiting your ability to achieve your goals).  And I mean Your Dreams, not someone else's or the prescribed ladder climbing American Dream.  Only you can answer this question.  If you think it will impact you, I suggest creating a magical device out of one, carefully concealed item, that you can carry with you always, that stores all the powerhouse energy you need to be in the world.  Might I suggest a small watch, cuff link, or tie pin?  You can touch it whenever you feel afraid and visualize its energy empowering you.  


-I also suggest seeking out some therapy or other form of support since it is hard on your system to have that much anxiety/cortisol/adrenaline pumping through your system everyday (seriously stress is not good for you over the long term).    
-And finally, Churchill himself has something to say to you: 



[maewintersadvice]

How do I know if I'm stilll punk?

There is a myth in punk culture that you can only be punk if you are dressing, smelling, and acting in a certain way.  But once you are truly a punk, it is in your heart.  It is beyond the appearance and living in a house with a million 40s on the porch.  It is about a deep commitment to critical thinking and decolonizing your mind/heart/body.  If you go all the way with punk, your politics will expand to the point that it doesn't even make sense to be a punk anymore.  Early punk development is about rejecting things, saying "I don't fucking need you or your shitty system," but later punk development is about embracing that you do have needs.  It is about the radical act of loving, defying, creating, and surviving in a system that is terrible and finding something beautiful despite the terribleness of a white supremacist patriarchal capitalist landscape.  And it comes out in your actions everyday of your life. So, is it still in your heart?  Or are you watching your politics slowly plateau and fade away as you justify the exploitation of others?  Only you can answer this question.  - Mae Winters, ex-punk/still a punk