mafia incorrect quotes

iconic incorrect quotes for the sake of the fandom

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Sarah: If anything happens to you, guys, I will literally kill you.

Tommy: But won’t we be already dead?

Sam: I have a feeling that won’t stop her.

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Sam: Why are you two here?

Tommy: I’m here to help.

Paulie: And I’m here to make things worse!

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Mafia TCoLH Tommy: We don’t need directions. We’ll just follow that compass inside every wise guy’s brain!

Mafia DE Tommy: Um, no, I think we need directions.

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Tommy: Thank you for getting us donuts, Paulie.

Sam: Yeah, thank you.

Paulie: Bold of you assume I was going to share.

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Tommy: Are you checking out my ass?

Sam: No?

Tommy: Well, why aren’t you?

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Tommy: *sends a meme to the group chat*

Paulie: AHSGDFAJHJAHSAHAHHAHA

Sam: What was that?

Paulie: A key smash.

Sam: How do you even do that?

Tommy: Just press anything.

Sam: *five minutes later* 7.

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Sarah: If I have to clean one more bloodstain from this carpet, I’m going to murder someone.

Tommy: Sounds a little counterproductive.

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Sarah: How was the honeymoon?

Sam: Paulie got drunk and tried to burn our marriage certificate.

Sam: He said “Good luck trying to return me without the receipt”

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Sarah: I’m going to get coffee. Anybody wants anything?

Paulie: I’ll have a latte.

Sam: I’ll have a blueberry muffin, with decaf.

Tommy: I’ll have a bagel with a little-

Sarah: You know, I was just being polite.

[sam-trapani]

Tommy: *humming* what’s for breakfast this time?

Sarah: *puts the raw meat on the table* 

Tommy: ?

Sarah: You promised to fix the fucking stove last night!

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Tommy: I bet I could fit the whole world in my hands!

Sam: That’s physically impossible.

Tommy: *cups Sam’s face* Are you sure?

Sam: *blushing* Stop it, I have a reputation.

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Sam: I will now torture you.

Paulie: *smirking* Kinky.

Sam: I think you are sweet and beautiful.

Paulie: Wait-

Sam: You deserve to be cared for as much as you care for others.

Paulie: *backing away* No-

Sam: *leaning forward and trapping him against a wall* Your feelings and needs are valid and deserve to be heard.

Paulie: I NEED A SAFE WORD-

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Paulie: We can’t let you do that!

Tommy: And how exactly are you going to stop me?

Sam: We’ll call your wife.

Tommy: *gasp*

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Sarah: *about Tommy, Paulie and Sam* My friends are absolute fucking brats, but they are my fucking brats and I love them to hell and back.

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Tommy: You need a hobby!

Paulie: I have a hobby!

Tommy: Being drunk isn’t a hobby!

Paulie: It isn’t?

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Tommy: You need to, like, react when people cry.

Sam: I do react.

Tommy: Let me rephrase.

Tommy: You need to, like, not roll your eyes when people cry.

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Sam: You may hug me for four to five seconds.

Paulie: FORTY FIVE SECONDS?!

Sam: NO, four TO five seconds!

Paulie: Too late!