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[mahiraya]

09 January 2020

A week into 2020 and I'm already given a reminder of my mediocrity. Mediocrity? I don't think that's the right word. Hmmm . . . Dispensability? Maybe I'm both of those things; mediocre and dispensable. I would say it sucks, but to be honest I'm not longer surprised. It would've been a blow to my self-esteem to find out that the management is offering the position I applied for to someone else, someone who didn't even apply. Yes, it would've been a blow to my self-esteem, but I seem to have none of that left.

[mahiraya]

Maybe

Him: Hey.

Her: Hey.

Him: How have you been?

Her: I'm doing good. You?

Him: Oh you know, same old, same old.

*awkward pause*

Him: Are you seeing someone?

Her: Not since we . . .

Him: . . . yeah, me too.

*heavy silence*

Him: Do you think we could . . . ?

Her: What, go back?

Him: *nervous chuckle* It's funny how you can still finish my sentences. But, yeah. Do you think we could?

*long contemplative silence.

Her: I don't know. Maybe.

Him: *trying not to smile* Really?

Her: I mean, we had it good didn't we? I used to think we're a perfect fit. THE perfect fit.

Him: Maybe we are . . .

Her: Maybe.

Him: Isn't it worth a try? Maybe this time would be different. I mean, we know better now, don't we? Maybe we could avoid the mistakes we've made in the past. Maybe this time we'd really work.

Her: Maybe.

*she sighs a heavy sigh*

Her: Maybe this time we won't let the little things get in the way. Maybe this time you'll finally express yourself instead of bottling it all up. And maybe I'm finally mature enough not to overreact all the time. Maybe we're finally ready.

Him: *beams* Yes! This time we'll do it right. Maybe we won't even fight anymore.

Her: Maybe you're right. Or maybe that's one too many maybes

*melancholy shrouds his face*

Him: What do you mean? I thought you said . . . you agreed we were good together that we're a perfect fit.

Her: I know. We had it so good. But we were only good at being good. We were the worst when it comes to the bad.

Him: But like you said, maybe this time it would be different.

*she scoffs*

Her: Maybe. There's that word again. Is that what we're basing this on? We'd get back together on the basis of probability? We're merely guessing. There's no certainty. We're relying on chance and an awful lot of maybes.

Him: So you're not even willing to try? Don't we owe it to ourselves? Don't we deserve to know?

Her: Yes, we owe it to ourselves. We deserve to know if our maybes can be. But we also deserve more than just maybes, more than probabilities, more than speculation, and wonderment. We already live in a world full of maybes. We deserve more, we deserve certainty.

*end*

[mahiraya]

Wow, my posts are so sad. Or maybe that's just me since I feel so sad all the time now. I still smile, but I never really feel it. I laugh but it's always hollow. It's actually quite scary.

I still remember what happy feels like, I can still remember. And I know that things lighten up eventually, they always do. But when you're feeling down in the present it's hard to look back or look forward and think that you were once and you will be happy again. Because this is now, and what you feel now is more real than a memory or a hope.

Maybe that's why it's so hard for depressed people to just 'snap out of it' like people tell them to. It's not easy. And I'm sure that I'm not depressed yet, I'm still only at the edge, but I'm very, very close.

Earlier today, I met up with a friend of mine and he told me about his ex boyfriend. They split up because his ex told my friend that he needed time on his own. A few days later my friend's ex tried to commit suicide. My friend had no idea that his ex even thought of doing such thing. You really never know what people are feeling, I guess. Some people would appear perfectly happy and content with their lives but inside they're full to bursting. There are people who look calm and in control but are actually ready to snap any minute.

If you're reading this, don't worry, I'm not planning to kill myself. I don't think I have the guts. But I do feel like I'm being folded in onto myself over and over. And I might something self-destructive one of these days. I'm hoping that it won't come to that.

[mahiraya]

Dear Future Self

I'm writing this in the hopes that the future is in fact bright and full of cupcakes and sunshine and butterflies, with unicorns on the side.

I'm writing this just in case this roller coaster I call life isn't just going down and will in fact go up and do several loop de loops before the last slope down that leads to eventual unavoidable death.

I want to remember how horrible I felt at this moment, how unimportant, unloved. And in the future, if it's better than today, I want to remember. Because it will remind me that bad things come to pass, and that silver linings are real, that there's a rainbow after the rain. If in the future I've become miraculously happy with my life, I want to remember how downtrodden I was, so I wouldn't take anything for granted.

I'm writing this for my future self, because right now I feel like giving up. Right now, I feel like I don't and won't have the strength to get up in the morning. Right now, I just want it all to be over. So I'm writing this to my future self. And in the future, when I read this, I'd now that I made it, that I pushed through, that I had the strength not to give up after all.

I'm writing this to my future self so I could thank my past self for being strong, for holding on.

[mahiraya]

Okay, so everyone I know have jobs and making friends at work. I on the other hand am unemployed and losing friends. Tell me again why I shouldn't succumb to depression? Seems easier to just let it get to me . . .

[mahiraya]

Can the universe just give me superpowers and make me fight supernatural evil forces because I can't seem to find a productive way to contribute to the society anyway . . .

[mahiraya]

Broke, Broken, and Unemployed

Do you remember the time when people, or at least your family, looked at you like you’re actually special? Yeah, me neither. No one looked at me that way. I was the second born, so everything that was there to do had already been done by my sister. Five years earlier. 

But still, there was a time when they didn’t expect so much from me. Now that I’ve finally graduated though, their expectations skyrocketed. I feel so useless, I’m wondering everyday if I’m already depressed or just on the verge of falling down into it. Either scenario is depressing to me.

I was a bright student. A little above average compared to my peers. I’m not trying to brag here, or trying to inflate my ego. I really was smart, or am. At the moment I’m not entirely sure. But I was good, in a lazy sort of way. And I always got good grades. Maybe that’s why my mom never worried about me and my studies, maybe that’s why she never had expectations. Or maybe she just expected me to get good grades.

But I graduated already. I’m no longer in school. Being bright just doesn’t cut it anymore. It’s time for me to join the real world. And the first step is to get a job. Or at least that’s what I’m told. But it’s hard to find a decent job and I feel like everyone’s expecting me to still do great things in my chosen profession like I did back in school and in college, and it’s terrifying.

Everyday I look for job postings. And every time I get a call asking me to come in for an interview, I make sure that I go. But a lot of times I can hear my mom and my sister talking about me and they make it seem like I’m not trying at all. It’s been months since my graduation and I haven’t found a job and my family thinks I’m a failure. At least I think that’s what they think.

My sister keeps giving me advice on how to behave during interview, how to answer the questions. But it’s irritating because she doesn’t have a job herself. She never had one. It’s not her fault, I know. She got sick which made it difficult for her to move around. Still, it’s annoying to hear tips on how to land a job from someone who never had one.

They also keep on telling me that it’s okay to start small, and I know that it is but every time they say it I don’t feel like they mean it. I feel like they’re only saying to get me to work already. It’s frustrating and sometimes I just want to cry it all out. Sometimes I just want to scream at them and tell them how I feel but they’ll only twist it around and make it seem like I’m the one with the problem. And maybe I am. But that’s not what I need right now. I don’t need people telling that I have a problem or that I’m the problem. I need someone to tell me that it’s okay. I need someone to tell me that it’s okay and I need them to mean it. I don’t need advice on how to ace an interview, or where to look for a job. I just need someone to talk to me, not talk down one me.

[mahiraya]

Do you realize that a lot of planned murders do not happen because the person who taught of them are too lazy to get off their ass and actually commit it?

[mahiraya]

Daenerys: Do you know the common tongue?

Drogo: No.

Daenerys: Is ‘no’ the only word that you know?

Drogo: Nah to the ah to the no-no-no!

[mahiraya]

Okay, so let's say you're bald, right? Just for instance. Where does your forehead end? Like, is your whole head your forehead now? Does it extend all the way to the back of your head and end at your nape? And if that's the case where does your nape start? This is so confusing help me out here.

[mahiraya]

It sucks to have a crush on a pornstar because you can't tell your friends about them because your friends are too ‘prude’ for that shit.

[mahiraya]

I have no one to bean here on tumblr. And I have no one to bean me. It sucks because I don't even know what it beans . . . Oops, I meant ‘means’

[mahiraya]

See my middle finger? That's the only fuck I'm ever gonna give you.

thedoldrummer

[mahiraya]

[mahiraya]

[mahiraya]

[mahiraya]

Just like that perfect shot you missed, there are things in life that won't come around again

laram