nors

digital diary

[mahnomori]

rahhh round 4

age: 16

attempts on life:3

weight: 38.2

height:5°1

hoodie: sunmer :P

bag: black japanese school bag (tuition), small black bag(general stuff), black and pink backpack(school)

hair: i actually trimmed it! my fringe is shorter now cuz before it was too long to even be called a fringe, and i evened out the ends. also been using this heat protectant cream + blow drying it so it’s been looking rlly good lately!

piercings: 6 + one more input on for school

tattoo: 1

nails: i EATED them 💔💔

vape number: not counting i am lazy

meds: zoloft + qusel

relationship wirls: i officially have a total of ONE friend ! mashallah 🙏 (not counting school people cuz we’re barely friends yet)

super active online. cybersluts gone but i’ve been using my priv a lot

life rn: SCHOOL ????? 😨 tuition, cies, stephanie soo, uhhh that’s it ngl, also needy girl overdose

sleep schedule: pretty good !

[mahnomori]

i think it’s time for me to end this blog, i’ll be going private now . i’ve had it for this year, and i think i’m gonna switch over to another blog website . it feels like the right move. but this blog is still going to be up, just not available .

[mahnomori]

they know they know they all know

[mahnomori]

fucking americans . they’re so entitled . but can you blame them ? they were raised to believe that they’re the centre of the entire world . and they are , aren’t they ? so what i loathe is when they complain about their country .. how tone fucking deaf can you be ? just shut up and enjoy your freedom and stop tryna act like ur life is sooooo hard cuz there is way worse shit going on all over the world.

[mahnomori]

i think i’m gonna be okay. i just have a feeling everything will work out. things always work out for me, no matter what i do it how badly i fuck up it never really affects me. everything i’ve done i’ve managed to lie my way out of it.

[mahnomori]

i just want him to hold me and stroke me on the head and tell me i’m doing a good job. he says it online but i want it in real life! i need to make it real!!!!!

[mahnomori]

i need to remember why i’m doing this. i’m doing everything right now so i can see R! i need to succeed academically and prove to them that i’m mature and responsible. then they’ll let me go to america and i can be with him! i know he’s lying about his age! i know he’s grooming me! but i dont care cuz he’s the only guy who’s ever been nice to me! he knows exactly what to say and i know i’m being manipulated, but all i want is to be with him for ever and ever! nothing else matters, none of those worthless pakis matter. all that matters is him! and i need to do whatever it takes to get to him!

[mahnomori]

i wish i could go back to last summer. i want to experience it again. the cutting and the starving and the music and the neon lights and the blood stained tissues and late night calls. no matter how hard i try, i can’t get it back. my lights don’t hit the same, i’ve been clean from cutting for most of this year. i’ve been putting on some weight. and i haven’t spoken to H in ages. i feel sick thinking about it. i wish i wasn’t in school. i wish i could go back to isolating myself. i hate it!!! i hate it so much!!! cuz now i can’t pretend like i just don’t exist because people will see me and think oh she’s a weird loner. before no one could see me! and those for those who could, i could just become whatever they wanted me to be! i don’t want this. i really don’t want this anymore. i miss last summer. why can’t i go back. even if for just a day, i really cant do this. please just let me go back. when i die, i hope that summer is my purgatory.

[mahnomori]

today was the fec award ceremony. S asked why i was going, i told her it was because my whole family would be there, but that’s not true. i could’ve stayed home if i wanted to, but the truth is i wanted to bask in that environment. an environment where everyone knows and, to an extent, cares about each other. where each persons presence can be felt. i went there. S and her friends came and invited me to go hang out with them. then a group of other people came. they were all talking and laughing together, i felt so out of place. like an imposter who wasn’t meant to be there. and i was. i am. i silently left. i don’t know if they noticed i was gone. i hope not. i went and sat with my family for the rest of the ceremony. they wanted to present me with an award too. a graduation certificate. all it did was make me feel like a fraud. i told them not to give it to me on stage, and when i did receive it afterwards, i asked them to hide it in an envelope. i didn’t want anyone to see it. it felt shameful. i didn’t deserve it. i didn’t let them take any pictures of me with it. it felt wrong. like i’d used a cheat code in a video game. on the way home, as i held it in my hands, i wanted to tear it up. i hate it. i loathe that stupid piece of paper. i want to lock it up and hide it away so i don’t have to look at it. i know my grandma will be upset if i do that though. i wanna cut so bad again. why. whywhyshehjdehdhbedhjebehd nlehegdhwheh

[mahnomori]

okay so yesterday was my first day of school! honestly it wasn’t that bad. i think the orientation just freaked me out cuz the whole point was to socialise, but i barely spoke to anyone and was fine! the only annoying part was that i got there @ 8am and had no classes till 1:30… rn it’s 9 am i’m probs gonna leave for school at like 12. the vibes were really nice though, it was pretty relaxing. since most people had classes first thing in the morning there were lots of places to sit and stuff. i sat on this bench on the side of the school and there weren’t that many people around which was great! my psych teacher seems pretty cool, and so does the media teacher, though he mostly speaks in urdu which may cause some problems for me. i think i’ll be fine though. people are too caught up in their own stuff to really pay attention to me. i just need to focus on grades. going to a school like nixor will look good when i apply to colleges, it’s just a means to an end. i dont need to focus on the people (most of the people there r pretty mela anyways 💀) i don’t wanna socialise unless i have to. i think this’ll be good for me! i also like the uniform. it has this pocket which fits my vape perfectly :3

[mahnomori]

hihi. so as i’m typing this it’s 11:49pm. tomorrow is my first day of school. it’s pretty wild. i haven’t properly gone to school since 2019. i went to fec for a bit in the beginning of 2020 but then lockdown happened pretty early on so i dont count it. then i went to fec again for a bit in 2021 but i spent most of the day bunking classes so i don’t really count that either. this is gonna be my first time going in person to a school which isn’t owned by my family. i’m gonna be treated like a regular student there! i don’t wanna get my hopes up too high, so all i’m gonna hope for is that i can make it through the day without any incidents like at the orientation. miss R told me all first days of school suck, and she’s probably right. i can’t really remember my first day at kgs since it was in 3rd grade, but i rem two girls making fun of me a bit for my height. they both then went on to be my best friends for a good 7 years. one thing i am kinda annoyed about is my schedule. i have to get to school at 8 am. my first class is at fucking 1:15 pm?? so i’m just gonna sit around for a long ass time bleh. hopefully it’ll be kinda empty during classes though. maybe i can find somewhere to just use my phone or read or something. i’m gonna start taking a power bank. blehghh. 11:55 pm rn. i don’t wanna wake up all groggy so i think i’m gonna try to sleep now. hopefully it goes okay!

[mahnomori]

i’m now around 39 kgs.. atp i think i’m gonna let myself get to 40 so that i can be put on adhd meds. they make you lose appetite and it’ll be better if i can cuz then i’ll actually be able to study.

[mahnomori]

hi. so the overnight orientation happened .. i got there at 6 pm. we sat around for a little while, i was pretty early so there was one group of boys and one group of girls. i talked a bit cuz they started talking to me. one girl told me i looked really shy. after a few hours of that i was kinda in a group of like 5 people, but they were all talking and it felt like i had nothing to say, so i just stayed quiet. i know i should’ve spoken more but i just couldnt ! it was like my voice had disappeared. then they took us upstairs (we’d been in the basement) and they lined us up. it was pitch black there. then we were led outside and they made us sit down. the dean did this thing where he’d call out a school and the people who came from that school had to stand up. i thought i’d be fine since i wasnt from any school but then he said oh and private candidates! so i had to stand up too. the house captains did their intros, then we were told to move to the square which our houses were in. 2 of the girls in that group were in my house, so i had some people to talk to. we didn’t really talk tho. then suddenly they were like ong we’re having a dance battle! which was like what the fuck??? maybe if i’d joined i would’ve gotten to know more people but i didn’t. i saw *a**y. he said hi but kinda ignored me. i was kinda relieved ngl. the dance thing happened and our house won. that was kinda cool, but it’s not like i can take any credit for it, right? then they came around with food. they had these plates full of white bread and i gen thought that they were just giving us white bread. apparently they were sandwiches though. i wouldn’t know, i didn’t eat them. at that point i was just following those girls around. then *ff** turned around and saw me, and was like what’re you doing here? i made a joke about stalking him. then he said he was about to make a joke about me being there to stalk *a**y, but now *a**y was right next to me. i turned around and he was there. he started talking about how i should join some engineering thing. i was just like sure. i told him i was considering just ditching the whole school thing anyways cuz at that point i was just sitting there quietly. silent spectator, right? he looked shocked and started talking about how fun it was. like sure??? of course it’s fun for you. i was fucking miserable. then i went downstairs cuz i needed a hit of my vape. couldn’t find my bag. some teacher came and asked what i needed and i told her i was looking for my meds. she let me stay but i still couldn’t find my bag. i went back up. there was a ton of people there. i guess i looked kinda off and some other teacher came and asked if i was okay, and that kinda broke me. i couldn’t speak because i felt like if i did i’d start crying. so i gestured for her to follow me to get away from everyone. when we got to the room downstairs she sat me down and i started sobbing. at that point i was feeling the actual withdrawal symptoms from my meds and i had no one to talk to and i just felt like shit and i was sweating a lot (probs withdrawal) and then they called mama. they took me to some conference room where the teachers had been sitting. they got my phone back too, which was a relief. i just sat there for 20 minutes until mama and nini came to pick me up. at that point it was like 12:30. me and mama picked up some more zoloft(though we couldn’t find any so we went for the generic form called selt or sometbing. i finally got home. ordered kfc and watched stephanie soo. then i fell asleep. woke up at like 12. bleh.

[mahnomori]

*m***a called me.

she was like omg are you going to fyp and i was like .. no? then she started going on about how she missed me and stuff like… no you don’t ! god just let sleeping dogs lie and leave me alone jesus.. i’m proud that i didn’t immediately cave in the same way i usually do. i didnt tell her about nixor or anything! i don’t want anyone to be so in on what i’m up to, yk? gotta keep some mystery LOL.

[mahnomori]

i’ve been eating a lot more lately, it feels like my hunger has just gone up. i used to be able to go days without eating, but now i feel this insatiable hunger all the time. it’s not like i’ve been eating healthy either. i’ve spent so much money on my dads card just ordering fast food. i don’t know what to do.

on the way to buy ramen right now. it’s way cheaper than ordering everyday, plus it’s less cala. bleh ..

[mahnomori]

i think i’ve finally left that mindset where i think liking someone is shameful. it’s okay to admit that i did like H at one point. looking back at it makes me kinda sad though. i remember one night last year i was super excited because i’d just bought needy girl overdose, which i’d been super excited to play! i was on a call with him when i first started playing. i was trying to tell him about it but he’d always find some way to bring it back to me sending him nudes. i didn’t deserve that, right? but that’s what he saw our relationship as, and i really can’t blame him. i have the right to feel hurt, but i don’t have the right to blame him. i’ve finally come to a point where i can safely say those feelings are gone now! and i am proud of myself! if it was so easy for him to leave me, then clearly he’s not the love of my life or whatever i thought back then. the time when we started the whole nudes thing was also one of the lowest points in my life. like that entire summer i’d been completely isolated and being able to feel desired by a group of people who weren’t creeps online was a pretty new feeling for me. i’ll admit i was pretty blind to any red flags, but i was just so happy, yk? and i cant hate myself for doing something that made me happy. i was just chasing the seratonin boost i got whenever we spoke. i really do think i’ve changed. i’m not the person i was then. we’re all changing and growing constantly, and i’m proud of myself for it! i wont let myself and my happiness ever become that dependent on someone again. honestly, at that time, i couldn’t see a future without him in it. i thought that my whole world had ended just because he ghosted me. but that’s not true! because i’ve done so much his year, and it’s made me realise, no person ever REALLY matters that much! i mean, i’ve lost my virginity! i’ve gone out and done stuff i never would’ve been able to do before, all because i took chances! i met others, i tried to get over my fear of other people, and even if some of those times weren’t perfect, they never went completely awfully either, right? i think i’m really maturing! and i’m so proud of myself for that. i’m so proud of you for that M! you’re gonna go to school and socialise with people and make friends! even if you don’t find anyone you really connect with, that’s okay! cuz u wont be in this country for that much longer anyways! school is just a means to an end, practice talking to others so you’ll be better at it when you leave! because really, who cares about what they think of you! i am the person i am, and if they don’t like it, then i dont like them either! you can do this! i believe in you ! love forever 💗💗💗💗

[mahnomori]

about me round 3 :3

age: 16

attempts on life:3

weight:38.7 .. tryna lose but not doing well lol

height:5°1

hoodie: none, summer :P

bag: black japanese school bad or small black handbag from thailand

hair: long, messy, blackish brown, fringe

piercings: 7 (i put on two more for special occasions)

tattoo: 1

nails: nonexistent

vape number: no idea and too lazy to count :P

meds: zoloft + qusel

relationship wirls: only S but i’m getting irritated with her too

not been as active online

life rn: S, tuition, persona, school starting, emma, nagatoro

sleep schedule: pretty good