An Introvert's Perspective

my inner thoughts on life as it is. My name is An. 9/4/94. SoCal. Gospel Believer. Imperfect. Negative,but Realistic. Fragile. Introverted. Random person. Weird. Obsessed with Korean music and Indie Rock. pan(s)

[mahpna]

It's been awhile...

I don't want to try to talk to people anymore, it feels like I'm always the one trying to make an effort. It's either that, or I keep befriending people who don't keep friendships. It's so hard to stay friends with someone when the other person isn't trying, I always say this..."It takes two to tango" and I can't see myself dancing all by myself. Sounds selfish, but in reality that's how I honestly feel when I befriend people. Then again, it could just be my depression talking...it's been awhile since it hit me. Just when things were turning up for me...

[mahpna]

Feeling so frustrated that you just cry.

[mahpna]

You're not ready for a relationship.

Usually I wouldn't care if people spoke to me this way, but the fact that these people are saying something about my friend without even knowing her pisses me off. I know I shouldn't be aggravated by this little thing, but it's really upsetting how immature some people can be especially when one of them is graduating. To call someone annoying and a whore, as well as a female dog just because a she is good friends with your boyfriend does not allow you to call her those names. If being obnoxiously jealous is what you think love is, you need to sort out your personal issues before being in a relationship in the first place. A relationship needs both people to be mentally and physically stable, and believe it or not financially as well. Obviously, you are not mentally stable enough to be with him because all you do is hate on my friend for being good friends with him and all you think is her wanting his "D"...seriously? She's not even interested in him that way and on top of that she said good things about you to him when you two were broken up, and now all your doing is saying stupid crap about her. If your boyfriend loved you and you love him enough to trust him, you shouldn't be jealous in the first place. Stop being so immature, "you annoying little elf". -_-

[mahpna]

Can you not?

If you aren't depressed but post something making it seem as though you are and you are going to harm yourself. Please don't, it's not funny and personally I find it rude because there are people out there that actually do that and it's their only cry for help and to have someone like you treat it as a joke makes it difficult for someone to believe another person is being serious. It also upsets people like me that do take these things seriously. So just don't do it.

[mahpna]

Think

If you are going to be a leader and you know there are people looking up to you, better act like a role model or step down. I can not stress enough how disappointing it is to see someone you looked up to, break your heart by their careless actions. Think before you act, please.

[mahpna]

It's The Thought That Counts

Before I even begin this, I want you all to know that I am pretty forgetful myself and tend to forget about others (not on purpose, of course). I also wanted to add that I don't want you to feel bad for me or feel pity or as if you should invite me to every event you have. Now, I will begin. haha "It's the thought that counts." This very quote applies a lot to me personally as I'm the type of person that doesn't expect extravagant gifts and I don't give extravagant gifts either, now being the shy AND introverted person I am I tend to keep to myself and prefer quality over quantity when it applies to friends. Knowing this, you may or may not relate to this post. I never had a big group of friends and growing up I wasn't invited to a lot of things either. I think it was because my family was too poor to afford nice gifts to give when it came to being invited to birthday parties and my mom never let me go out unless it was a birthday party. So I never had the chance to really experience what it was like to hang out with people until high school. I was given this chance because my brothers were "cool" and a lot of people knew them so I hung out with them and tagged along being the youngest person in the group of friends I was considered fairly mature for my age. (I would disagree, but that's not the point of this post!) If you noticed, I tagged along I was never really invited. I would always find out about it from my brothers but never was personally invited unless I really knew the person and most of the time my brothers had to ask if I could come too. It sucked sometimes because I felt like I shouldn't be there or didn't feel like I was wanted. Having this happen most of my life, I didn't actually have a person personally invite me to things until I was mmmm I'd say 16. I loved being invited to things but there were times where other people around me were invited to things that involved everyone else I knew and I had to find out myself and this made me sad. Not because I couldn't go, but the fact that I wasn't invited or they didn't think of me. I know, I could've been a nuisance or ruin their plans/carpooling or whatever but to be honest I still wanted to have the feeling that I was actually thought of or that I was invited to something even when I couldn't go and I didn't want to be that ignorant person that would always say "TFTI" because sometimes it might've been a date or something of that sort. It was just the thought that counted, y'know. 

[mahpna]

SADLYFE

Just to start off this post, this is not a meaningful one. This is going to be a vent because I am fairly frustrated at my mother. A couple weeks back I was planning on going to Japan, having been very excited I had advised my mom and she seemed extremely okay with it. (having her approval for something like this is crazy) I was so happy that I began to plan everything out, I hit up my friend's mom and she gave me all the info I needed to go to Japan with them and fly back and I was so ready. After I set everything out (which is today). This was how the conversation went... Me: Mom, I'm going to go to Japan on July 1st okay? Mom: No, you're not going anymore. Me: Whaaaaaat, why not? D: Mom: Because you're too young and it's dangerous. Me: But...I'm going with someone and I have a place to stay and everything is planned! Mom: No, sorry...but you're not going not until you're done with college.

Me: Why? Mom: You can go to Canada with me on the 4th. Me: But I'm going somewhere with (my cousins, not going to put their name) to Mexico on the 11th. Mom: It was cancelled. Me: Whaaaaaaat.... *in my head* Now my summer is ruined. -crying inside-

Mom: Sorry.  Mother, you are such a tease. I love you, but if you change your mind...at least tell me before I'm done planning everything out! 

Update: My Mexico trip is not cancelled, HUZZAH! Still bummed about Japan tho...OTL

[mahpna]

The Dating Double Standard

Something that has made me wonder a lot, being as much of an independent person I can be I always wondered why guys feel the need to pay for women. Personally, I enjoy paying for myself or someone because I don't want a person to feel a burden in paying for me. Also, it makes me feel weird to have someone pay for me because I grew up feeling like I owe people things because they are my friend or someone special to me and they deserve that much from me. Now I'm not saying I don't appreciate it, I totally do! I just feel like guys should let their girls pay for them from time to time so it's fair? I'm not trying to sound like a feminist, but I feel like girls should have a chance to feel like a "gentleman". LOL Although that sounds really weird, but I like to open doors and paying but that's just the bit of me that just does it out of instinct. I can't see someone opening the door for me, pulling out a chair for me, or even paying for me. Other than my family and friends, of course. Anyway this is already getting longer than I intend, so pretty much...even though I don't let you pay for me it doesn't mean I don't appreciate the thought. It's the thought that counts, right?

[mahpna]

I'm Getting There.

Partial touchy subject and heads up might make you get feels, but it's the truth about me. Grew up being a pretty happy kid, but through my life I did face a lot of negative things such as bullying. Now those of you that have grown up around me or knew me when I was little probably never knew but it affected me...a lot.  I grew up being bullied and ignored, which led to my depression and pessimism. Even though I never showed it to anyone which is probably why it kept going until middle school. I gradually grew into a deep depression in middle school because my grandfather passed away and I never really knew myself and was trying to find a group that I felt like I truly belonged in. I did find someone who was very similar to me and was my really good friend. Her name will be kept anonymous, I don't want to put her on blast but she moved when I went to high school. Of course, I had faced drama in a group of friends and decided to transfer to a different high school. I then faced a very bad friendship which was pretty traumatic for me because I never had to deal with this EVER, I then felt alone...abandoned and felt like no one cared about me. I truly felt like I had no friends, even when I did. It was difficult for me and I even had thoughts of suicide, but the thing that kept me from doing so was...I don't want to be religious but it truly was God that kept me alive. If it wasn't for Him I wouldn't be alive right now and I think I want to thank Him because if it wasn't for Him I wouldn't have met so many great people that are in my life right now. Even though I am still struggling with my relationships with people and God I am trying, I truly am. I posted a blog about my depression awhile back and I personally would say it has gotten a lot better as well as my pessimism. I don't want to just thank God, but I want to thank all my friends and family that have been there for me through my good times and bad and I want you to know that just because I don't talk to you often does not mean I do not care about you.      If you've read this far, I just want you to know that I don't want you to feel bad or try to make me better I just want you to know that I'm trying even though it doesn't seem like it and that I love you guys (if you are reading this). I used to be that quiet, shy, pessimistic girl but now I wouldn't say I'm happy but I am getting there. Again, thank you.

[mahpna]

Are you doing the right thing?

After watching one of my favorite shows "What Would You Do?", it got me wondering why we were taught all our lives to never tell on each other. I mean, why is that? Shouldn't we be telling the truth and speaking up than keeping it to ourselves? I feel like it's so difficult on finding out whether something is right or wrong, but truthfully I find that having someone actually speaking up even when it's considered "wrong" can sometimes be the right thing to do. Especially if someone or something is going to get hurt or in trouble. I remember a while back a friend of time was talking about how a couple helped a person that was getting injured and they had to go to a court sentence to speak up and it became a huge ordeal, but I find that pretty heroic...who cares if it means you have to go to court. If something is going wrong and that person tells you not to say anything, but you feel like you should speak up you should do it. I don't care if I won't be involved with that person again, they need to learn their lesson whether they like it or not.

[mahpna]

April Fools...

Now, I am not a very big fan of April Fool's day because people CAN get hurt from the jokes people pull on one another. One of my friends had posted a status on how they thought someone truly cared about them, but it ended up being all fake. I have to say that truly made me feel some empathy, because I know how it feels and it didn't even happen to me in April! Let alone April Fool's day. If you have been following me since the beginning, you may or may not be aware that I was in a really terrible friendship that ended on pretty bad terms and I have to say it sucked...a lot. After truly thinking about it many times I came to the realization that the person that was my "friend" only used me for venting and never even cared about what I was going through or how I felt about...anything really. I was really hurt by it and that is totally besides the point in what I was trying to bring across. Back to the topic, I feel as if people who joke around with someone else's feelings are, pretty messed up. I have to say that even if it's just "a joke" it really isn't...especially if the other person isn't laughing and was really hurt by it. What makes me even more upset is the fact that when people pull a prank or joke on another person, they don't even apologize for doing it. They just say dude, it was a joke...I don't need to say sorry! It's as if everything is okay now, but in reality it isn't. So I guess what I'm trying to say is if you are going to joke around about something and the other person gets hurt, the least you could do is apologize. Even if it was a joke. 

[mahpna]

Be you. Be Derp.

I'm known to be derpy, crazy, weird, and wild. I would have to agree, but I'm only known this way around my close friends that have been around me most of my life so they know the real me. After all those years of being an introverted person and keeping to myself from others I don't know that well, I'm learning to be my true self around others...even strangers. I'm starting to get out of my bubble and begin my uncomfortable journey of embracing myself and others. When I'm my crazy self, others feel more comfortable around me. For example, I don't have any younger sisters but I do have young spiritual sisters that I have known since they were almost babies and I love them to death and when I'm my true self they become more open to me and I love it. I can't express how much I enjoy their company and being my derpy self it makes me feel like I should be this way towards others as well. So when you feel like you are just going to embarrass yourself, think about it this way. You're showing them that you aren't a person that will judge them because if you were that type of person you wouldn't be acting in a way others could judge you. So be derpy! Be weird, it makes the world a better place...plus it's more fun. (:

[mahpna]

Stop being led on

Being a girl we are known to lead boys on and are known to hurt them, etc. I would like to speak on behalf of those group of girls, as I have to state that I try my very best and hardest to not hurt another person from my actions and think about what I say. Not because I have to, but because of my past and how I never really thought of situations in a broader perspective. Having to go through a situation where I have to confess things never really occurred in my life until this year and personally, I feel like God is trying to teach me something. Now you don't have to be religious to listen to the rest of the things I have to say, but you may continue reading anyway. I feel as though majority of the reasons on why girls lead guys on is not because they purposely do it, but because they have no idea they are doing it in the first place. Even then, girls should get the hint and guys need to stop mistaking pure kindness as a lovely gesture...I know, it's tough. Finally I learned a great analogy that on which the situation with the boy is like a bandage on a wound and the slower you peel it, the more it hurts and the longer it takes to heal. But on the brighter side the faster you peel it, the faster it heals and of course it will hurt a lot but it becomes easier to let go. I finally have taken this to heart and have learned to just be blunt and get to the point of things, but being my introverted self it is difficult and not only this but it'll only hurt someone in the process. I've learned and dealt with a lot of things in life but what I'm trying to get across here is that we need to start to grasp the fact that if you want what's best for the both of you then someone needs to say something before it's too late even if it means getting hurt. So girls, tell him how you feel even if it means getting your friendship ruined especially when you know he likes you. And guys, if you like her...you need to let her know so you don't get hurt in the long run. Also, I'd like to say on behalf of all the women/girls/ladies out there that have hurt you by leading you on I am sorry. Now let her go, but if you can't stay friends with her you need to let her know or then it's as if she is left in the dust and you are just getting back at her for something she didn't know she did in the first place.

[mahpna]

college in a nutshell.

College is a pain in the butt. Been staying up super late, going to class, AND having work. I understand people's pain, but I think being out of school would be a tad bit easier then having to deal with bills, work, and money. You guys don't even have to do hw or study. My social life is decaying in a dark abyss.

[my-teen-quote]

Are you a teen? This blog is just for you!

[mahpna]

Whenever my mom cleans my room and I need to look for something important I have no idea where it is and have a fear that my mom threw it away...man, I should really learn to clean my own room. LOL

[mahpna]

Just because I have more than two ear piercings does not mean I'm in a gang, party, do drugs, or any of that rebellious kid crap. I just don't understand why you have to assume those things, it's not even that bad. You say I don't respect you, you say I don't listen to you...did you forget, I'm 18 now and I listen to you and respect you. This is the only time I have done something wrong, but it isn't even that wrong! You say people will judge me? Did you forget this is 2012...ALMOST 2013 do you really think people will assume I'm in a gang just because of a piercing? I don't have even have a tattoo. I don't even care what people think of me, you even stated God knows me inside and you know me too. So what is the problem? You're even willing to kick me out of the house and not speak to me ever again because of a piercing? Wow.