Coming out has a lot of struggles… before you even think about telling anyone you have a lot of internal struggles you have to deal with. It comes with a lot of denial and hatred for yourself, guilt embarrassment, hiding who you really are, looking back I knew I was gay in 5th grade, I knew something was different. Middle school and beginning of high school I would date guys and talk about them because that’s what all my friends would do, but I never was really happy, or ever got that spark or anything close to that. My whole life changed my sophomore year, I met this girl in a class we had together and I just knew we had to be friends. She had her wall up and would not tell me much and I always wanted to know more about her. We first hung out outside of school a couple months after we met, that’s when I knew we would be good friend. We would hang out more and more. At the end of my sophomore year I knew there was something about her but I couldn’t quit distinguish the feelings I had for her yet. That summer we didn’t hang out much at the start; I went to camp for a month. While I was at camp (without a phone or anything) I had a lot of time to think. That is when I realized I really really liked this girl. I caught myself thinking about her all the time. Then when I came back I had my license and we hung out all the time, everything I did I wanted it to be with her. The school year came around, and she still had no idea I had any feelings for her, sometimes I would catch myself flirting with her or just being very touchy and always hugging her. Finally December came around, because we both knew we were gay but didn’t have enough strength to tell the other. We would act like everything was normal, in January things got even rockier, her parents read some of our texts and her and I both told them that we were messing around with each other so she would not have to come out yet, especially in that way. Then February came around, and that’s when we were talking and we both realized how much we liked each other and came out to each other how we have really been feeling. That day was a huge relief at this point I’ve liked her for around six months and I could finally be honest with her. Then in April, probably the worst thing that could possibly happen happened. My parents randomly took up my phone for no reason at all, and read some of our text. I thought I was doing a great job hiding I was gay to my parents, but they figured it out on their own.. I was devastated and she helped me through all of this telling me everything was going to be okay, and on my rough days she would make me feel better and tell me we could make it through this. Her and I would write notes to each other and swap them every day and one of my last letter from her on one of the last days of school talked about how she would wait for me. We met up a coupe times through the summer and the first time I was beyond nervous, all the thoughts went through my head, what if we see each other and things are awkward?, what if she sees me and decides she doesn’t like me anymore?, every single negative thought was coming into my head. Then when I saw her I knew. I sat next to her and we just picked up, and talked. Then we kissed, and those fireworks were still there and I have never been happier. She is my rock, my first love, high school sweetheart, and my everything. Even when we fight I still love her as much as I always do. She is my world.
