Late 30s homo. I live in Massachusetts in the USA. Mostly I reblog random stuff and absurd nonsense because that's how I cope. I generally keep my queue at 2 posts a day so you won't see that much output. I like other fat beardy types, dorks, mythology, cartoons, video-games. I am in a long term relationship but we're open . This blog is probably going to disappoint you. I will probably not be following you back because you post a lot and I can't keep up. He/him pronouns. Pictures of me in tagged/gpoy
I'm remembering when I cut Josh off. Yeah, it must've been Fall of 2014. After I came to the realization that I wanted nothing to do with him, I texted him. He called immediately, crying and babbling, the Adult Baby mode part of ABDL.
That's where things went really wrong. I react poorly to people crying at me. Unless somebody is grieving or in pain, my gut reaction is to feel like I'm being manipulated. Andy and I lived with and cared for his half-demented mother for over a decade and she'd cry when she didn't get her way - and we'd have to appease her because her brain was legitimately cooked. (Hey, remember that time at Chelo's restaurant where we were seated next to a family with a baby that wouldn't stop wailing? I think I joked about going over and yelling back at that kid.)
So yeah. My gut said he was trying to manipulate me with crocodile tears, and I refused to let him have power over me. I got angry. I didn't want to placate, appease him, or change course, so the only thing I could think was to (metaphorically) throw rocks at him like he's a stray dog that I don't want to follow me home. 'I want nothing to do with you or your clownshow life. Go away. Don't talk to me. Leave me alone. Fuck you. Fuck off. Also, I fucked your ex at TBRU, BYE.' I remember Joshua's responses to these were incredulous no no no WAIT WHAT WAIT WHATs - He must be used to extracting sympathy. So yeah, that's why he held that grudge for 11 years.
You should look up Vulnerable Narcissism. See if that shoe fits him. I suspect he was testing that waters on how easy it would be to manipulate you early on - like how he got you to tell (ex) Jo to delete a post mentioning that "I'm Blue" song that allegedly triggers him.
Fisher, you've been a good friend over the past few years, and are always welcome company. I'll cherish our many nights watching movies, your turns of phrase, gaming, hanging out, going to movies, and I'll always have our day-trip to Bear Week in P-Town and you'll be there while I'm remembering the eclipse. I will always root for you. Yes, even in this economy.
It's taken me many sleepless nights to piece together my memories. Joshua Lore aka Pete and I talked on-and-off-again for like 5-6 years ('07?-'13? I'm 26-32?). We were personal, vulnerable, and intimate. Talking about this and that, some ribaldry, being awkward. A lewd photo for his birthday. There was a lot of Diablo 2. There was talk about visiting him someday, but that never happened. He was deeply kinky (I'm barely, if at all, as you know) and I found him anthropologically fascinating (I can send you what AIM logs I kept, if you like). What it came to towards the end, is that he said his acquired chosen "Family" was up to like a dozen people? and I was just thinking, man, I can't imagine having a crew that big. I like my peace and my steady rock Andy. Wanting other felt alien, how different were we?
I pondered the question, "What am I doing here?" and found I was tired of him and his vibe (the oinking, the volatility, the proximity to violence). I didn't relate to his life. I came to the conclusion I never wanted to meet him - it would be like, a Culmination, and being put in a spotlight to make promises. I didn't want to be in his crew or 'collected'. I didn't want to have sex with him (I knew too much baggage, and also, the 1990s nugget of wisdom "don't stick your dick in crazy" kept surfacing in my mind). I never loved him (had feelings yes, but not love), never /said/ I loved him. Never even met him. I don't think it was a case of familiarity breeding contempt, I was justā¦ done. I believed I owed him nothing. I allowed myself to leave. I'm not beholden to his abandonment issues.
The circumstances of when, where, or how I told him I was done are still fuzzy. A warm day in 2013-2014? I can't picture it lasting beyond an afternoon of texting (did he call me?). I have no idea if I was cruel or just abrupt or what words I used. It was a surprise and he took it poorly. He pleaded. I thought he had enough "Family" to fall back on that I would not be missed. I was somebody that knew the Lore but rejected him/got away. I will never know whether his polyamorous nature is that of a bubbling fountain where many could drink, or, whether he's a greedy gaping hungry void, needing more and more to adore him. He would be somebody's else's problem. A decade passes with no contact, where I go on to disappoint people more meaningful than Josh.
When you broke up with your ex and Pete (his current name, I guess) immediately swooped in to became your "owner", I felt doom. Since you're (KINK PRIVACY RESPECTED), I thought it could be a good fit. He'd managed to hold onto at least two of his long-term partners and a network of others in "The Family", so he's probably doing something right. I'd hoped he'd mellowed over time. You knew about the bad blood between us and assured me you wouldn't pick a side (Nope). You made plans to go to Texas to see him for a few months - I thought you'd get your consensual kink on, put on 10+ pounds, get a tattoo, make new friends, discover more about yourself. I can't blame you for not wanting to winter in lonely New England at all. It could work out, or it could not. I'd even been resigned that you could move out there for good. You've got kink needs and if you're happy there, good.
Then I got that emotionally charged and very oddly phrased message from you saying I had hurt Josh/Pete deeply and you need to cut me off because you don't want to cause him painā¦ block.
So it's one of two scenarios:
I profoundly hurt this guy eleven years ago.
or
Controlling head games are part of his kink. That forty-year-old is experienced at crying to get what he wants (a crybaby). You'd just been put through an emotionally manipulative power play, and I've become the non-consenting backdrop to a domination/submission scene. He gets to tit-for-tat punish me. He convinces you his scarred-over heart can still bleed and that you're capable of soothing his pain (which matters much more than yours and mine) merely by sacrificing a friendship (+ my Andy as collateral damage), thus proving your devotion. Untempered cult leader brainwashing sociopathy.
The thing is, I can't be sure which is 100% true. I've never met the devil and looked into his piggy eyes. Maybe I'm cruel and uncharitable to him in particular, but if he can't follow The Spice Girls Rule ("If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends") why the hell should I believe he follows The Campground Rule ("Leave it better than you found it")? I could easily round up a half-dozen people from the Livejournal days that interacted with him and clocked him as crazy as a soup sandwich or worse. Is your tender heart in good hands? Is he celebrating you or molding you into something? Were you vibing in a soft chaotic good way while kicking Andy to the curb?
I can't really fault you for your decision, though. Practically, he's got more to offer you for your life goals. How much agency does somebody even have when it comes to their "owner"? You're a silly goose in the honeymoon phase. You'd be stuck in his home for another month at least, rocking the boat/pushing back on the program could sour things. My response was curt because there was nothing for me to argue and getting you wound up served no-one (well, unless it was a d/s scene - the more pain, the more bonding after). I am hurt but still wish you were a regular part of my life.
And as for Pete, man, I can hold a grudge for over a decade too, but I can admit I'm being a petty bitch about it (Matt, fuck you, still). There's something about Pete where he relishes them. I think it's a witch thing, or maybe an evil fairy thing. Maybe he thinks being 'wronged' vindicates anything he does. I look forward to forgetting him again.
You should know that there are plenty of pretty boys with better attitudes out there who'd (KINK) you and slavā¦ "ownership" is something you can walk away from at any moment. Any ties you think he has on you are as thin as his skin. If he turns on you or you realize you want something different, you have the power to walk away like I did.
Finally, I have an uncharitable opinion on the notion of you eating from a dog bowl (you posted about it). It horrifies me that's an option in that home. I can't forget that harrowing story from the Joshua I used to talk to in Virginia. He told me [REDACTED, ask]
Oh, and by-the-by, Andy's perspective is, 'Wait, you never even met this guy?' You see, the secret is that we're olds and don't think internet relationships are all that valid until the in-person meet up.
Let me know if you'll allow yourself to speak to me again.
Warm regards,
E
"He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man."
I was laying in bed next to the bf and the cat saunters over and latched onto my nipple for a solid 0.25 seconds. Iām both flattered and weirded out.
I realized I should inform the public of this, but like, I donāt have a shitposting twitter.
Every post on reddit is like āmy wife left me, so i spent 100000 on a new man caveā and thereās always a storm trooper of some kind in the room. Ive seen this happen so often on reddit that now i associate storm troopers and the entire star wars universe with divorce.
Well hello there. An anonymous fear submitted to Deep Dark Fears - thanks! You can find both Deep Dark Fears books online and wherever books are sold! Ask your local comic book shop about them!
I need, like, an adult to sit me down and give me a skin care routine b/c my regular shower w/ tone bar soap doesnāt give me the moist torso skin I deserve.
Night 0 and Iām house sitting/cat sitting for my parents for a week in my childhood home. Iāve been flirting on GROWLr with the locals and itās nice having the power to host unlike when Iām here at Christmas and stuck with family obligations. I do not have to be self conscious of the decor or messiness because it was like this when I got here. I brought lube, four condoms, a rude boy, and a douching bulb -just in case-. I should know this, but is there a secret code phrase to politely ask if this is the kind of meetup I should douche for?
In entirely unrelated news my mother discovered a ābookā Iād written when I was a kid. It looks like I was pretty much just telling the story of a dream I had with illustrations.... and I know reading somebodyās dreams is bad internet content so I wonāt go further. However younger me had the same kind of dream logic I still experience and itās nice to be able to relate to my younger self like that. The image of a castle in winter is something that Iāve dreamed a few years ago and something Iāve taken to picturing in my mind in an attempt to get back to a restful state. Younger me apparently gave it a name and Iām greatful to know what it is now. (I blame C.S. Lewis)
I was at this street art festival on Sunday, and the bf was off talking to this actor he did community theatre a year or two back so I walked off to give him room to talk shop. I figure that I can fake being interested in beeswax candles for a few minutes. So Iām walking and two booths down I pass the booth for a local jazz radio station (WICN) and this dude is standing in front of it approaches me. Heās talking and pushing this pamphlet at me about a program thatās going to air about some 1920s jazz singer and Iām desperately hoping through body language heāll recognize my discomfort. I expect heās thinking he can tailor his pitch to me how jazz history is important and fundamental to all modern American music, he asks,Ā āWhat genre of music do you like?ā
Time slows as panic brain sinks in. I have no idea. I know itād be overly evasive, uncool, and possibly rude to say,Ā āItās kind of complicated I donāt really go out and look for stuff and what I like comes piecemeal through circumstanceā. My second thought string goes,Ā āYour favorite band is Nine Inch Nails - since youāve been into them since you first heard the Quake Soundtrack in the mid 90s and know pretty much all the lyrics to multiple albums. But he said genre- they started as industrial but they evolved into electronica. Is electronica even a word? Do people seriously say electronica at people who work for jazz radio stations? Also, hey, you only listened to the last few releases once as like youtube videos and what kind of fan does thatĀ and then my third thought decided that rabbit hole went too deep and went, 'Whatās your backup band?āĀ IAMX, that weird mostly European EBM sound with the funny genre title called FuturePop/Synthpop thatās like 3 bands total (Is that still a thing?).ā
āFuturePopā. Iām 100% certain he never expected that response. It sounds ridiculous. I may as well have stated that I only listened to music that comes out of Iceland. Even if he knows what the word I just said means, itās so many layers removed from 1920s jazz (which is neither future nor pop) that I truly am a lost soul. The exchange concludes and I am not burdened by a pamphlet.
