Thuri help. How do I stop caring what other people think of me and stop feel insignificant?
*hugs* Those are really rough things to deal with, and I don’t know if my approach will work for you. But here’s the advice I can give. (warning, it got a little rambly and REALLY LONG)
I don’t think you can ever completely stop caring about what other people think. From a purely sociological perspective, the opinions of the group matter hugely to us, as they teach what is and what isn’t acceptable in society. But the dangers of going against the rest of the group are no longer being trampled by a mammoth or left to freeze on your own, and the world is a huge, diverse, amazing place with people who I guarantee will like you for who you are, and not who you’re forcing yourself to pretend to be.
Emotions happen, whether we want them to or not, and you can’t control the feelings that you have. However, you can control what you do with them, and how you choose to view them.
Emotions are a little like physical sensations. Pain exists to let you know something’s wrong, to draw your attention so you can address that issue. Emotions can act the same way. If you find yourself envious of someone who has a close relationship with their partner, your attention is drawn to the fact that you likely want the same thing, and this is a signal to take the steps to achieve it.
If you find yourself angry because someone hasn’t done their fair share in a project, your attention is being drawn to the fact that you don’t have complete control over all people/situations, and this is a signal to look deeper into why you need to feel you have that control.
And if someone thinks something of you that’s hurtful, untrue, or upsetting, you can feel sad, upset, ashamed, angry, a huge variety of emotions. And there’s nothing wrong with that. How you feel is always okay, it’s just information.
But here’s how I deal with knowing someone doesn’t like me, or thinks I’m silly for being 37 and liking Thomas Sanders, Dan and Phil, and still loving The Backstreet Boys.
One, I let myself feel the emotion. For a long time, that was shame, or embarrassment,or humiliation. Whatever it is, I give myself permission to feel it, because that reaction is information I can use. After I’ve let myself feel it, I think about why I’m feeling it, and what I can do.
If I’m feeling ashamed because someone’s told me my interests are dumb, I can look at that and say, “All right. They think this is silly. But this is something that brings me joy, that doesn’t hurt anyone else, and that is making my life better. Therefore, this is something that’s important to me, and I don’t want to lose it. I know I’m not the only one who doesn’t think this is dumb, I have friends who like it just as much. So not all people think this is dumb, even if this person does. And how does it affect me if they do think that? It’s an opinion they have, and it’s an opinion I can prove is not universal, and as it doesn’t hurt anyone, it doesn’t create pain and suffering, it doesn’t actually matter on a large scale, their opinion on my interests is no more real than my own opinion and experience. And I have to live with me for my entire life, I have to be in my head, and really, their opinions are none of my business. They’re allowed to have them, but that doesn’t mean they’re immutable fact, and I can keep my own without hurting anyone and with bringing myself joy.”
You can’t control what other people think, no matter what you do, what you wear, how you act, and that’s really scary. But it helps me to remember that I can control me, and I can take the reactions I have to other people as information to better my own life. It takes work, I wish I could say it doesn’t, but it’s worth it. These days, if someone thinks my interests are dumb, I can shrug and say “Maybe they are to you, but they’re not to me!” If someone doesn’t ship something I do, and tells me my pairing is wrong, I can say “You don’t have to ship them, and I’ll keep liking what I like.”
Basically, the best way I’ve found to stop trying to live up to some mainstream ideal of what I should be doing is to listen to myself, and to find people in my life who like me as I am, not an idea of me they’ve created.
As for feeling insignificant, well. We all are. We are tiny dots on a tiny dot in an infinitely huge universe, and the entire existence of our species is hardly a blip in time. In the end, it’s likely nothing we do on an individual level matters in the grand scheme of things.
And I think that’s wonderful. Because if it doesn’t matter, if there’s no greater purpose, no overreaching plan, there’s only us. And that means there’s only what we choose to do with our lives. So if there’s nothing watching, and no consequences, why wouldn’t you be kind? If there’s no destiny awaiting you and you can’t impact the galaxy, why wouldn’t you spend all your time trying to be happy and make others the same?
If there is nothing but us, why wouldn’t you make the time we have together as amazing as possible? If this is all we have, then this is EVERYTHING. And keeping your heart open, caring about everyone you can, reaching out, taking care of yourself, being kind in a world that doesn’t always reward it…that’s a choice you get to make.
And it’s scary, and sometimes it’s SO HARD, and you’ll probably cry a lot, and feel ashamed, and feel like you aren’t living up to your own goals, and feel alone, and feel feel feel. Because you can feel, it’s part of being human, and you can experience that, and you can use it and realize everyone around you is feeling, too.
And then you realize you maybe can’t change the entire universe, but you can change one person’s universe, a new person’s every day, just by existing, by being you, by being kind. Not because someone told you to, but because you’ve chosen to, because it makes our small, insignificant lives better. Makes them worth living.
What more significant purpose is there?