On my way to recovery
I got depressed.
I think havenāt recovered yet.
A week before my birthday everything just dawned on me and for four days Iād been crying. I was in front of my PC at work then suddenly I felt an extremely heavy feeling. I wasnāt thinking of anything sad. Iād actually came from a dinner with my two friends who were my previous workmates.
A month ago I was rolled off from my first project in Accenture. I was assigned to a new project in a new location basically at the other end of Metro Manila. I tried to endure the whole November and I quite did. During dinner breaks I was joined by a college friend, only if our schedule would meet. This December two of my previous workmates are assigned in my new location. They were with me during dinner breaks and at times when they would hang around to buy gifts. But the week of December 14 became my most devastating days.
The heavy feeling I felt in my heart is so much I canāt even stop myself from crying. I convince myself to not cry and do it later when I got home in our condo where Iām with nine friends. For each day of that week Iāve been blessed to talk to my friends. They listened to me. They asked me. They concluded I should resign because Iām really emotionally torn. Iām emotionally exhausted.
Night and day I cried. I just realized that if you cry a problem you usually wonāt cry until the next problem. But I seem to have lots of tears. My feeling isnāt better.
They said maybe the real reason I became thinner is the stress. Maybe the real reason I wonāt cut my hair is the depression.
I donāt know. Iām just not in the mood to get my hair cut. To spend for my meals. To buy a new book. To go out with family or friends. I donāt want to think of or plan a happy event.
I felt that temporary happiness wonāt change anything.
My friends told me that they canāt see me happy anymore. That they thought I am one of the strongest person they know. That Iāve been thinking negative thoughts lately.
I was having suicidal thoughts. I imagine myself if Iād cut my wrist with the knife beside me. Or if Iād be pushed from the bridge and get drowned. Or if I jump down the moving jeepney, if that would set me free from my misery. If I had an accident maybe. Not die really but accident that would disable me to work.
For four days I just cried and go to work.
And on Thursday it hit its extreme sad feeling.
Then, when I got home, two of my friends were still awake. They talked about their applications to new companies, to leave Accenture. They then asked me mine. Thatās when lots of tears poured. And they told me to resign. That itās very unhealthy for me. And they told me to tell it to my parents, or they will.
I canāt tell it to my parents because I donāt want them to have that burden. They have their own, specifically my mother. Sheās working in Singapore, overseas from us. I was telling myself maybe Iām just overacting with what Iām experiencing because my mother must be feeling worse. I was telling that to myself for weeks. But I just canāt carry it anymore. I even canāt let go of my work because Iām earning bigger than wherever I might work and Iām supporting my family I just canāt sacrifice that.
Every night of that week before Christmas, I keep on telling God that I just canāt carry the burden. Iām very weary. Iām weary of not knowing what this all means. That things seems not getting better. But I still have my faith. I still hold on to it. But Iām just weary.
I canāt explain the real reason to my feeling. Itās because in my new project, weāre just three in the team, and basically all of the people in that floor were there for months. They know everyone already. And most donāt even approach me. Donāt even invite me to eat dinner with them. One or three would offer me snacks. But I canāt blame them since weāre not teammates. They are happy people as I observe but they just donāt consider to include me in their chatter. Youād come to office wet due to heavy rains and no one would ask you if the rain is hard outside. Silly question but you donāt care if friends ask you this. Thatās one step to show you they care. Then they press the clothes to your skin so youād feel the coldness even more. Thatās how to have friends at work. Thatās how they do it in my previous project. Because imagine five days of work for ten hours. WTF about work-life balance! WTF!
Maybe I have sepanx with my previous teammates but I guess not that much. They should have the initiative to include me in their group of friends. Iām the newbie and Iām just one.
Then the work itself wonāt give me a career growth. Iām trying to earn ATA Developer Certification but Iām doing production support. I guess itās fine if Iām in a huge team and there are seniors to support me, but there are none. I feel helpless. And I donāt do developer tasks like how a new developer should have to grow in his a career. They might say that I should be independent, that I should adapt to changes but WTF! Iām not an entrepreneur.Ā If Iāll be doing production support in my previous project it would be just fine. I did QA testing in that project even though I should be a developer.
My senior donāt know how to code and I donāt even like him as a teammate. He just have a bad reputation even though heās nice to me. I just canāt trust him.
And so my feeling just wonāt lighten up. I donāt see my future in that project.
Then, the week following that is my birthday and Christmas. I felt more depressed thinking how Iād be happy, joyful, thankful on my birthday and on Christmas if Iād be thinking that the week after Iād go to that project, work again. No silver lining.
And with that encouragement on Thursday, I felt the urge to tell my senior what I wanted. That if I wonāt be rolled off, Iād resign. FOR THE FIRST TIME in my life I felt sure. I felt I have an ambition. For the first time, I knew what I wanted. And I want to grow in my career; developer career in that sense. I got a quite positive response from him. Then he told me that I can have a leave on 31Dec. It brought me to tears. I was already convinced that Iād celebrate my New Year in the office. With no friends even to celebrate with.
Then I told it to my parents on Saturday. They asked me maybe itās a challenge for me to overcome. But parents. they know and they supported me if I really canāt take it anymore.
Still I cry. Still I think of what happens when I go to work this Monday. I have this feeling that Iām very afraid to work; in my present work or in a new company. Iām afraid.Ā
But I want to recover. I really want.
Iām firm now that I want a work of 8 hours. With holidays. With sure career growth. Whether the salary is smaller than my previous, it doesnāt matter. Enjoy what you do, thatās the first most important in work. Then your work environment, your workmates because for most of the time theyāre who youāre with. Salary you can budget. Just donāt make it a priority. What about the money if itās not making you happy and growing. Career and interpersonal growth.
I pray to God that soon I recover from this misery. I want to enjoy life. I want to enjoy moments with my family and friends.
But you know what happened? During this hard time I felt the love of my family. I became open to my parents. We as a family, with my siblings and cousins and everyone, became closer. Also, I became closer to my friends. Like theyāre the best friends ever. They showed me and made me feel and sincerely supported me.
And God probably wants to show me that.
And maybe God wants to tell me to be humble to surrender and regard myself as a failure. But itās okay to fail. And through this I get to learn a lot about myself and feel a lot of love from my family and friends. And feeling that love is not a failure.
And finally, I can use the hashtag without any senselessness.
#blessed
