mal

i’m not happy or sad just up or down - thursday girl, mitski - 🪻🪻

[maladaptv]

everything is for you. reserved. i don’t want to keep moving. i can’t do this

[maladaptv]

another step, another breath, another song - i cannot live anymore. it chases me into other people’s homes. it will not be drowned by a new love, a new life, a new drug. time isn’t healing. it’s crushing, it’s berating. is this the beating that i asked for ? is this the horror i deserve ? i haven’t earned this, but oh, don’t i take it well? you tell me you couldn’t breathe and i tell you i still can’t. you scream “how could i?” and i ask you how you still can.

[maladaptv]

i’m afraid.

[maladaptv]

we could do dishes. you could read dostoevsky. it’s the first time i’ve ever thought of you in this light. it’s the first time i’m thinking of your hair between my fingers. golden boy ? i’m screwed.

[maladaptv]

“i used to be more honest - more open,” i tell him. “i used to… say whatever. but now, i have to figure out what serves me. i’ve learned, and you can’t unlearn, unfortunately. it’s a much worse existence.”

[maladaptv]

july 5th, 2025

i remain

covered in your sweat

it sinks into my skin as you do

i am one with your filth, and you are mine.

we stew in the mess of ourselves

under covers

under stars

under the weight of it ending

under your observation.

your critique

another story to tell

another picture to paint.

you are everything.

to me, you are it all.

i am a piece and you are the board

you makes the rules

you run the game

i always lose.

i scream your name.

[maladaptv]

i know i had a poem to write

replayed it in my head on the drive home but found nothing when the car powered down.

i know i had a love for you

felt it in myself with every passing moment but found nothing when the going got tough.

[maladaptv]

the urge to fix every collar of every boys shirt, and the fear of knowing it could mean anything more to them

[maladaptv]

you can substitute certainty with fleeting passion. you can substitute connection with reused phrases. you can substitute vulnerability with movie scenes.

[maladaptv]

i could go to starbucks, and call myself babe in the driveway. tomato and mozzarella on focaccia bread. strawberry acai lemonade refresher.

a lemonade at the friendly fox. a burger in a culver’s parking lot.

complete disorientation.

i could hit up that mediterranean place and eat less than half of the bowl.

an argument about intention. it lasts three days.

fried sushi that burns my tongue.

accusation. the way it felt to meet her.

thai food i keep in the fridge and eat the next day. taro tea and strawberry popping boba.

rising every morning into tears.

the pit in my stomach when i don’t say it back.

mcdonald’s, and wine.

rebirth.

lucky strikes.

[maladaptv]

i don’t know where you’ve gone. don’t know how you could hate yourself into the position you’re in. let’s be three, holding hands in the creek. find bugs, and snakes, and scrape our knees. you’re afraid. i’m right here. unmoving.

[maladaptv]

in youth cowboy boots, i think there’s a life i could live. she wouldn’t look like you, because she isn’t. maybe we babysit, and i find someone to read my favorite bedtime stories to. maybe we leave hand in hand, and we wonder, but we know it’s enough for us. we’ll go home and pretend to try for one anyway.

[maladaptv]

he wasn’t anything to fit into. it was walking into a house. it was sitting down in the low lamp light. chet baker, or maybe frank ocean on a record player. it was 70°. rug under my feet, shoes off at the door. there was no key needed. no puzzle to solve, no riddles. it was coming home.

it’s the warmest, softest embrace. it was the easiest thing i’ve ever done, loving him.

[maladaptv]

i think it’s him. i wonder how long i could pretend it’s you. wonder if i could ever rebrand the poetry, slip the letters into another envelope. i wonder if i could beat myself blue until i fit your shape, but it’s him. it’s always going to be him.

[maladaptv]

i make pasta, open the window and light a candle. i take another hit. stare into Greek & Roman Myths and wonder how long it /should/ take me to turn a page. i wish you’d take me out.

i wish a lot of things.

[maladaptv]

i love you cowboy, i love you sailor.

[maladaptv]

i couldn’t pay her off. i don’t try to talk. decades teach me it’s too late. how does she apologize? could i mirror it? i’d have to disappear.