Lately I've just been stuck in the same place mentally and it sucks. I usually go a day or two feeling like this, then I'm better. But lately it just keeps going on and on.
I feel like shit because I don't have self control when I eat so I have it whenever/whatever but I feel so damn guilty doing it and yet I still do it. Then I know people who barely eat at all during the day and I sit here wondering how they can do it, when I can't. I'm honestly so disgusted/ashamed of myself. I hate myself, I hate my body. I hate everything about me.
I know I should probably talk to someone about how I feel, but I can't. I'm too much of a person who rather keep it inside then let it out. I don't want to put this on anyone else, I don't want people worrying about me, that isn't their job. It's gotten to a point where I weigh myself everyday hoping for good results, but it just makes everything worse. I do it every morning, and since the scale is in the bathroom connected to my parent's room, I go in there, talk to my mom for a bit, say I have to go to the bathroom, and then I flush the toilet and step on the scale so my mom can't hear it. I'm ashamed of doing this and yet I still do it, everyday! And no one knows it's how I feel because when I'm with other people I act as if nothing is wrong, and if they suspect something is I just tell them I'm tired.
I think what's made this worse is the fact is that I gained like 7ish pounds is like such a short time, so I'm trying to lose them and more but it just isn't happening. I need to keep going on runs, but I hate when my family knows I'm going because I feel like they're judging me. But I need to get over that and just go.
To be honest, I don't know how I'm gonna wear a bathing suit this summer when I consistently feel like this.
Anyway, point is, I hate myself. I obsess over my weight too much and that's probably never going to change. People think when they lose weight it'll make them happier, truth is, it doesn't. If you were a bigger size for most of your life, that is who you will always see and there's no changing that.
blakekathryn
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