as you probably have figured it out - i am the anon
idk why i thought anonymous could protect me from the consequences. i really don't.
the "call out post" was beas and coucous idea. i have nothing to do with their personal issue with lena. this will be about my side and i'll only be speaking for myself.
for some time in may, i was friends with lena. but then they and george (also very sorry for them misgendering you) started interacting with me less and less. i reached out to lena and the situation was cleared. it was alright and all talked out. yet, i was overthinking and probably over-interpreting the messages.
then, a week ago, i posted a post where i was mad at my moms boyfriend and said something very insensitive and horrible about him being a drug addict. lena rightfully called me out. i tried to explain my situation, tired to apologize for it. i also tried to apologize on tumblr, by making a post. i'm very sorry for what i said. i'm in a very bad place mentally and getting my thoughts out helps me (as you probably know by seeing me on your dash all the time), but there are thoughts that shouldn't be said or even be thought - that one being one of them. i should've never even thought that, since the main post had nothing to do with it. it was wrong and unforgivable, that was my first mistake.
then i posted that i want to be friends with everyone on 75blr and someone said that maybe there's a reason why i'm not. it made me anxious and overthink, jumping to conclusions, thinking it had to be lena.
i talked to coucous, telling them about my assumption. they told me that they had problems with lena in the past and told me about the situation with bea. i remembered lena and george talking about it once when we were in a groupchat together. and i told bea and coucous. another mistake. i should've just kept my mouth shut. i should've never said anything. i'm sorry for telling them, it was none of my business. i wasn't part of the situation, i had nothing to do with it all, so why did i say anything? honestly, because my brain kept telling me that lena hates me. yet lena said they DON'T, i just didn't believe them. why? insecurities.
now, the post. they planned it, typed it out and before it got posted, i read it and approved it. i can't apologize for the misgendering, since i'm trans* myself. i didn't think of george using other pronouns now. i'm really sorry for that, but i understand if you don't forgive me. if we do a call out post, we could've at least fact checked your pronouns. embarrassment at its finest.
it was so indescribably wrong to even create this post. i didn't think of the consequences it could have on lena, george or jj. i thought i could get away with it. i don't even wanna imagine how you felt when you read it, i already felt terrible finding out you figured out i'm the anon.
it was an impulsive decision, made from insecurity and my terrible mental health. i mean, it just shows that i have no balls - i was too scared to reach out to lena again, so what do i do? i hurt them? why the fuck did i do that?
i was so scared of getting cancelled for the shitty ass thing i said, that i tried cancelling someone else. i was trying so hard to protect myself that i hurt other people. it was selfish, probably even narcissistic.
i'm sorry, i should've kept my mouth shut. it was a situation between lena and me, not for all of 75blr. if you hate me now, i get that. it was the wrong way to handle a situation that was not that deep. i take all the blame for my behavior.
finally, i gotta face my consequences. if you want to unfollow or even block me, do that. i'll be taking some time off tumblr and focus on my mental health.
lena, i hope you can forgive me. i understand if you don't wanna talk to me ever again, this was so wrong and unethical from me. i sorry for how i treated this, it really wasn't that deep and if i had reached out to you before ever thinking of this post, we could've possibly talked it through. but i get if you don't ever wanna talk it out, and i'll live with that.
george, i'm sorry for the misgendering. i'm also sorry for telling them about what you and lena had said in the groupchat. that was none of their business. the whole situation between you all was none of my business.
i hope you can forgive me one day. and maybe, when i'm in a better place mentally and when i have worked on my flaws, we can at least get along again. i'm already in therapy and believe me i would love to see my therapist rn but she's on holiday, i'll see her in 2 weeks. i realized that my behavior hurts others. maybe it's just my anxiety, maybe i just really am selfish. i mean, my dad is a narcissist, maybe i actually am too.
well, i guess that's it. i'll delete tumblr for now
i'm sorry that i hurt you.
- kimi (man-im-so-high // lukeslights4ber)
