Amanda Angela

thoughts & wanderings of the mind

[mandaaalim]

Virtual reality

Is both real and unreal. I can't believe anyone would want a committed relationship in SL, much less someone who I can only know through IM chats and virtual sex. How valid are our feelings for someone whom we like online? Despite the risks of inauthentic persons, the risks of trusting what we see through a mediated platform, can real relationships be formed in SL? So last night Toby asked me to be committed to him, and said that he was falling in love with me. I admitted to him that I enjoyed my time with him ( he's the best love-maker I've met) and other men have fallen short. While I really like spending time with him in SL, it's funny how we don't do such things in real life. Can SL, where I can feel safe from bodily harm, enagage in risky activities freely, reveal our true selves in a safe space? Im pretty sure im not acting, even as much as I am behaving more promiscuously than in real life. If i had a partner like Toby in real life, i'm pretty sure i will still be me. And that is the compromise i will not make even in SL. Still undecided about the ethics behind online dating, roleplay and chastity... It probably requires more thought and reflection. And so i guess it's official: me are Toby are dating in SL 💏 (hell im screwed in rl now)

[mandaaalim]

Unsatisfactory

So apparently second life is the same as real life and it's hard to find someone who can meet your needs. Wondering where i can find that same satisfaction.

[mandaaalim]

Well that escalated quickly

So I installed and played second life for the past few days and got a crash course on human psychology and sexuality. Being scorned by someone I liked, realising that I misjudged him from his appearances, made me sad. But like one other stranger said, it's a good school for that. And so I learn. I learn that some men are self centered, some men are less so. I learn that I enjoy men who lead and who also let me decide, I like men who respect me, and I much prefer kissing to actual sex. I do like being stimulated but not roughly or through my ass. I learn that friendship isn't that easy, just like in real life. It's a bloody utilitarian world after all. Perhaps that's the reason why ppl use sl: to use others to fulfil their needs. I admit I must have been like that too. So with the exception of that 1 guy who took the role play seriously and romantically, im done with the game. It's as shallow as before, just better animated now.

[mandaaalim]

Be grateful

of what you have, and not wistful for what you do not have.

Be wary of jealousy, envy, competitiveness and pride. Why can you not celebrate other people’s successful firings? Why are you determined to do better? What is freaking wrong with you??!!

Why do you desire certain ppl’s attention and affirmation??? Do not let her be an idol you worship! Do not desire for what is not good for you. There is nothing to compare; friendship is not comparable from person to person. BE GRATEFUL for ALL the friendships you ALREADY HAVE!

As Gavin says:” You’re part of the family now.” What else can I ask for??!!!!

[mandaaalim]

More reminders

You cannot force other people to like you, and there is no point in replaying how conversations should have turned out. or expecting ppl to thank you for giving them something they may not want. OR, expect them to publicly declare their love for the object you gave.

From the desire of being preferred over others, Deliver me O Lord!

[mandaaalim]

REMINDER TO SELF

YOUR VALUE IS NOT DETERMINED BY ONE PERSON’S OPINION OF YOU / YOUR WORK.

TRUST AND BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!  There are plenty others who love what you do.

The competition is within you.

[mandaaalim]

Still fangurling

omg I can’t believe I am still affected by one woman’s acceptance and actions. She said Bye to me today while I was having dinner in the student lounge. Apparently she asked about me because she hadn’t seen me in a few days... and she didn’t get upset with me even though I broke the pins on the 3D printer. O.O

Perhaps I am thinking too much, or assuming too much significance when there may not be, but I feel like I’ve crossed some boundary because she invited me for drinks last Friday, and then tagged me on her Instagram and gave me her personal phone number. I’m not really used to this new dynamic yet, and I still treat her as per normal, but I think she is increasingly nice to me. which is not a bad thing, I just don’t know how to navigate this relationship yet... how to be a friend and a student at the same time.. meh.

[mandaaalim]

way back when I was testing the effect of high teMperatures on aluminum and found clay objects. Pre-firing.

[mandaaalim]

Been doing a little bit of experimenting with saggar firing and glass melts. Not too bad so far, results are promising. Really liking the saggar reduction results, similar to wood firing surfaces. Next batch emerges on Monday! Can't wait :)

[mandaaalim]

Randomly

My teacher for the digital tech class is as awkwardly nerdy as Spencer from Criminal minds

[mandaaalim]

Results

In a strange twist of events, i managed to score a 75 n scraped through to a distinction average for the one module i thought i was going to get credit for, but disappointingly missed HD by a couple of marks for 2 modules. I guess, give n take. And i missed 'excellence' by 0.75% with a weighted avg of 79.25 instead of 80. Meh. I shall work very hard next sem to pull up my avg. And also, my submission for the woollahra sculpture prize didn't make it to the finals. Sigh. I wonder which is more disappointing. Or if i should just be grateful that i scored that unexpected distinction after all.

[mandaaalim]

Inner conflict

I struggle with my desire to be recognized and affirmed publicly, and hearing about other ppl being offered commissions makes me realise my pride and ego is in the way. O grant that I may be free from the desire to be esteemed, to be better than others, and that others may be preferred over myself.

[mandaaalim]

slip casting

today I popped by the ceramics studio to check on my slip cast bowl, and it was magic. It popped out nice and smooth and was soft leather hard, and I thought to myself, “nobody ever needs to learn how to throw any vessel anymore! we just need to learn slip casting! and mould making! “ it was truly amazing to know that I can make a perfect bowl within a week, without even touching the wheel. Just get some plaster, make moulds, wait for them to dry, pour slip and wait for that to dry. WHY DIDN’T MY TEACHERS TEACH THIS!!

I am officially a slip casting convert now. **)

[mandaaalim]

Affirmations

There is nothing better than posting good-looking pics on social media to gain 'likes' and nursing that self-doubt back into confidence. Strange but useful phenomena.

[mandaaalim]

Meh.

A bit disappointed that my final project only got a credit grade. Haiz. Cos it’s 50% n even though it was a high credit mark of 73 -74% it’s still not a distinction. (Distin is 75%) Now my confidence is affected :(

I guess, life is a balance of good surprises and disappointments. I must remember not to let my grades determine who i am as an artist. And i must remember that I had considered my options, and these were the best I could think of at that time without any guidance from my teachers, and that with every endeavour there is a risk, and that perhaps my learning point from this disappointment is that i should have taken more risks? I could have pushed my ideas further into the outrageous and unexpected? And be more experimental?

[mandaaalim]

Unexpected good thing

Was affirmed of my singing today at mass... by Caro's mum Anne. Similar feeling to being recognised for my hand building skills. Thank you God!

[mandaaalim]

on “popular voting”

I find it incredibly interesting that something I thought was simple and non-assuming garnered likes from some unexpected people...the non-groupies... Social media is truly an interesting gauge of potential sale-able interest. Perhaps I should just keep my ideas / vessels simple. Maybe people prefer that. hmmm.

Speaking of which, I have more than half-convinced myself that I should spend money to take part in sculpture competitions just so that my work can be seen and judged by other professionals in the field. I tell myself that it’s cheaper than renting a stall at the markets, and there is a chance of a sale or some kind of reputation to build. And so I am going to send in an entry for Woollahra Small Sculpture prize, and the Marine Ross artist Little Things prize. that’s $45 each. o.O  *crosses my fingers*