bEAuTy is what's on the inside.

My name is Amanda. I am 20 years old. I am planning on majoring in psychology and art once I go back to school. I'm in recovery from a Mood Disorder, Anxiety, Anorexia/EDNOS, and Self-Harm. (I believe I have BPD, but my psychiatrist doesn't believe in personality disorders.) Twitter: L1ttleblueb1rd9 Instagram: Mandas_recovery

[mindy-fit]

[mandas-recovery]

Mental illness doesn’t just cause emotional symptoms; it causes physical symptoms as well, such as being tired. My mom doesn’t understand when I say I’m tired; I’m tired because I just am, most likely from feeling depressed. She asks are you tired because of this, that? No mom, I’m just tired, stop trying to search for a reason for my tiredness because you aren’t going to find one besides dealing with what I deal with from day-to-day. My mom even has to find a reason for my anxiety. It’s just like mom, I’m anxious just because I am, there doesn’t have to be a reason, it’s just that way.

[eden-flowers-deactivated2018121]

[ingridreginav]

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[chronicallyalive]

I don’t talk about my illness so that you will feel sorry for me. I talk about it so you will know what I’m going through, why I am the way I am. I don’t want your pity. I want your understanding. And sometimes, I talk about it because I had a bad day and just like you, talking about the bad thing makes me feel better. I just so happens I have a lot of bad days and my illness is usually at the core of it.

(via suchvodka)

[mandas-recovery]

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist. It went alright I guess. It's always so hard to sum up a month and tell her how I'm doing. I showed her a page of my journal when I was really suicidal and she wants me to share more how I'm feeling when I talk to her. I believe her exact words were, "I want more of this," while pointing at the page. I responded, "It's easier for me to write." When I asked her about my diagnosis again, she said she really didn't know until she treated me, but for now, it's a mood disorder, anxiety, and BPD is a way of coping. She said to taper off the trileptal and call her after I've been off of it for a week, but stay on the abilify. She gave me a sample for pristiq, but said to wait until I call her.

[mandas-recovery]

I have an appointment with my psychiatrist soon. I hope she gives me an answer as to what my diagnosis is.

[mandas-recovery]

My appointment with my counselor went really well too!

[mandas-recovery]

My appointment went extremely well this morning with my nutritionist and I have an appointment with my counselor soon-hopefully it goes well as my other appointment.

[mandas-recovery]

Letter to my "counseling self"- Sunday, July 27, 2014:

Ms. F,

                I wish I could go back to PHP to work on stabilizing my food intake. My food intake isn’t that bad, but it’s not that great, and I want to be able to eat three meals and three snacks a day; I just can’t do that by myself. I need a “jump start.” I just want to move the recovery process along. How am I supposed to do so if I’m still in out-patient at a slow rate? I’ve asked my nutritionist about it, but she just said to follow out-patient bases for now. I need to know whether I can go back to PHP or not because I just do. I’m just frustrated. I don’t want to have to be worse for a higher level of care; I want to fix the situation now at a higher level of care.                 Any advice is greatly appreciated.                 Thanks for your time.                 Amanda

Amanda,

I’m pleased to hear how recovery focused you are. You seem exponentially ready to receive treatment at this point in time. I hope you can keep ahold of such readiness.                 I know you would rather have all the answers to every unanswered unknown, but that’s unrealistic. You will have answers in the right moment. You have to be patient. I know it may be hard to be patient after four years of struggling and still not reaching where you want to be, but I know you have the strength to have patience just a bit longer.               Your nutritionist has her best interest in all her actions, although I know you may not always think she takes the right actions when she needs to. Right now, Her best interest is to keep you in out-patient probably for a good reason; why not ask her why she doesn’t think PHP is what you need at this time?               I think the best you can do for yourself at this moment is to follow your nutritionists recommendations. Try to do the best you can with eating, showing up at appointment, following through with STIRS, taking you medicine, and make it to support group. If you are trying and out-patient is not working, maybe she will send you back to PHP, but you have to follow her recommendations or your nutritionist will not even think about PHP because if you aren’t cooperating now, what makes her think you will cooperate in PHP?             Take it one day at a time. You see her Tuesday correct? Let me know how the appointment works out.             Hope I have helped in one way, shape, or form.             Take Care! Stay Strong!             Ms. F

[mandas-recovery]

aconstantcanvas said: This is awesome!

Thanks! :)

[mandas-recovery]

Letter to my "counseling self"-Saturday, July 26, 2014:

This is a letter writing to my “counseling self” and my “counseling self” responding back.

Ms. F,

                There has been a lot of talk in my household about my sister attending college in the fall. I haven’t been self-harming or restricting my food intake because of the conversations, but it does bother me to some degree that my sister is attending college before me. It’s supposed to be the other way around.                 Any advice is greatly appreciated.                 Thanks for your time.                 Amanda

Amanda,

                You should applaud yourself for not using harmful behaviors over a topic that I know is much of an importance to you. You are planning on attending college in January, correct? Maybe try to use that goal as a motivator to continue to not use harmful behaviors so you are able to reach such goal when you want to reach it.                 I know it’s bothersome that your sister is attending before you, but should order really matter? Many people don’t start college right out of high school and many don’t even attend. You should credit yourself for even wanting to still attend school. Plus, even though you may not have done well at CCC and only went for a year, you technically attended college before your sister, you just have a gap between going back, that’s all. And yes, I know you want to pretend as if you never attended CCC, but you can’t erase a part of your life because you feel like it or it was just too hurtful; it happened whether you admit it or not.                 I know you wish you were almost done with college or already graduated so you can be helping other now, but there is always a time and place for everything. Maybe you go back in January, maybe you don’t go until next fall or a couple more years from now, just remember God has a plan for you and it’s all set in place, you just have to trust Him.                 Hope I’ve helped in one way, shape, or form.                 Take Care! Stay Strong!                 Ms. F

[mandas-recovery]

"Blank" has Taken Away "Blank"

My depression and anxiety had taken away my senior year of high school, which should be the best school year. My depression keeps me away from hanging out with friends sometimes. My depression keeps me away from interests I enjoy, such as art, crocheting, baking, writing, making jewelry, etc. My anxiety holds me back from answering the phone sometimes or calling people. My anxiety keeps me back from going places by myself sometimes. Most of all, my anxiety keeps me away from playing my clarinet, which I love so very much, and I miss it deeply. My anxiety holds me back from recovery. My eating disorder and anxiety keeps me away from attending parties. My eating disorder has kept me away from bowling, which I love very much too because I have lost a lot of muscle. My eating disorder has resulted in ending up in treatment. My eating disorder has resulted in physical problems. One last thing my mental illnesses have kept me from...going back to school. My mental illnesses keep me away from so much, and I never know from day to day what my emotions will be like because each day is up and down millions of times a day. It’s stressful and tiring to have so many different emotions in one day. It’s tiring dealing with mental illness. Mental illness should be taken more seriously; it’s not something someone can just “get over.” The recovery process is a long and hard road. 

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[nokrista]