*does the macarana*

[manly-sombero]

I'm lounging in the back seat of my 2012 model car

The round of the door handle pressing into my shoulder blade

I lean my head back, the glass from the window not going all the way down gnawing at the crown of my head. Its uncomfortable, yet comforting.

Looking out the window I can see the harshness of a fast food sigh contrasting against the darkness of the night, and I can see a light in the sky that I'm not sure is a star, a satellite or a figment of my forgotten imagination

I am tired, but I am content

[manly-sombero]

I bought new contacts for the first time in a month

and was shocked when it didn’t hurt

my old contacts had been my first contact, so when I placed the in my eyes and screwed them shut, tears dripping down my eyes.

I thought that was how it was supposed to be.

I’ve closed my ears now my dear.

turning them off to the romantic words not coming from your lips but from my mind. 

you were the nearest thing i had to perfect.

at least I thought.

love shouldn’t hurt this much.

[manly-sombero]

I dance is the hallways at midnight, 

my feet barely touching the cool hardwood as I twirl in the kitchen. 

the caffeine soaring through my body like the music through my brain. an endless mind numbing yet beautiful cycle of harps, piano and pain.

[manly-sombero]

My Dear, My Darling Dove

Oh my darling dove

the days are getting colder now

and we are not what we once were

like the leaves.

like the frost.

I still stir cinnamon in my coffee

its hot now, to warm my heart

I still have your licence plate memorized 

waiting to see you come home.

I saw you the other day my dear

that large travel mug I gave you clenched between your frozen fingers 

as you ran past me in the cold, your hair turning white from the falling of the flakes 

mocking me, showing me how I would’ve seen you far in the future

if only I hadn’t left.

Sometimes someones forever is only for a while

until the seasons change

until someone changes 

Will you cling to your travel mug, stir in the cinnamon

or will you leave, and regret.

[manly-sombero]

What do you make wishes on?

Times stamped on clocks, dandelion seeds falling to the ground like fresh powdered snow.

Eyelashes on fingertips, a murky stream bed flowing slow

The petals of sunflowers when I wonder if their love shows.

Wishes don't mean anything, except to the wisher, they're magic, held onto for dear life

So I'll ask you again, what do you wish on?

For if you don't wish on anything,

What are you holding on to?

[manly-sombero]

The world may turn to ashes

Our bones may turn to dust

But I will survive it

If I have only one thing

Trust.

I have often tried to find it

In the sentimental things

The people whom I thought as a child

Were mystical beings

I have come to cope with the fact

That magic is a lie

I have tried to stopped returning to my bed

When in need of a good cry.

That faith and trust Ive always sought

Has been a mystery

But I can promise that to you

true I'll always be

So take my hand my darling dear

we'll figure out how to cope

for all we have in this world

is each other hope

Our hope that will find happiness

peace with no fears

please know that I'll be here to dry your eyes after all the tears take

your hand in mine we'll drive out very far

we'll sit together and make wishes

on the second star

my childhood is over

my dreams have yet to come true and

yet I know where magic is

for magic is with you

[manly-sombero]

Easier to stay on the ground then it is to fly

Easier to say I can't then to try

Easier to not say hello than it is to say goodbye.

My wings, like iccarus were made of wax

I swore like Orpheus to not look back

I promised like Pandora I wouldn't open up

But like each of them, I melted, I turned

And tragedy emerged with me.

[manly-sombero]

I picked lilacs and thought of you.

They lived across my street, until I decided they needed to be in my room

I walked over the gravel on my driveway the pebbles pressed into my skin

I carried the clippers, solid but not heavy in my hand, slowly drawing them open as I slid them around their necks

Taking a deep inhale of their scent, before I snapped the sheers shut, and they fell to the earth

I collected them in my arms, their loose petals drooping and swaying in the breeze

They're in my room now, withered and drooping and dead

Like the perfect image I had of you in my head.

[manly-sombero]

Got perfect grades

With a decaying mental health

Wish I could go a day

Without stressing bout my welth

Feel like I take up too much space

When I'm sitting here alone

Hope one day I find a place

I could consider my home

Cuz right now I'm in my room

Wishing that I can have a lock

For the stress, depress and gloom

Inside my head my mind could block

I'm all done with my sadness

It keeps me awake at night

Wish people could mind their business

Stop asking if I'm alright

Of course I'm not alright

Look at my face my eyes my tears

I've kept my sorrow to myself

Been pushing it down for years

Promising myself one day I'll hopefully see a shrink

Telling myself that I'm alright

Cuz I don't have the time to think

About my grief social anxiety

The things that make me cry

I can't wait till I get old enough

To tell my dad goodbye

I was always second place to him

His job was always first

And whenever I got mad

He just said that bible verse

"Children obey you parents"

As if we had a choice

I would never hear the end of it

If I tried to have a voice

I should sit up straight and be polite

That's what he would say to me

I don't think that I belong here

I just wanna be free

Free from him, free from me

Free from my anxiety

I just want to leave here

Please just let me be

[manly-sombero]

I want to have a home made of starlight

A place to keep away my fears

A place where I feel safe enough I might

Not break down in tears

I want a home made of sand

A castle with a shore

A place with someone to hold my hand

When my pain I could no longer bore

I want a home made of candy

Gingerbread and the like

It would have all the things that I fancy

In all those things I take delight

I want a home.

[manly-sombero]

I have killed myself again and again and again

"Don't talk like that, smile more, change your laugh, don't be a bore"

I have strived for perfection, which I now realize was an illusion.

I scream at the image in the mirror

Why are you becoming what you are not?

I am angry at myself

For believing that the lifeless reflecting fraction of me was so much better then what I am

But she is not alive, she has no personally, no soul.

And maybe that's what perfection really is

An soulless image, with a smiling face

[manly-sombero]

Onward I stare at the empty field,

It's dry bitterness a catastrophe,

But then I from the distance, belittled in my vision,

A beauty beyond all that I see.

Her sweetness a veil, hidden beneath is a surging wave of fierce, hidden emotion,

Her tone is apathetic, lightly draped across a powerful devotion,

To those she loves, and those she chooses.

She has a wildfire within her soul,

A passion for what is right,

When life descends into darkness

She's the one who brings back the light.

The rosebud of april,

[manly-sombero]

I am an overflowing cup,

It varies from day to day what's inside it,

Joy, grief, anger, hate.

Some days there's nothing in it,

And the only thing inside is the reflection of the sunlight,

And the glow of the sunshine is what gets me through.

[manly-sombero]

Would you risk getting sick to dance with me in the rain?

Would you listen to my vinyls, knowing nothing will be the same?

Would you kiss me, realizing you're the one to blame.

I tie up the laces on my sneakers, knowing you're by the door,

I smile looking at you, knowing I'll never need more.

No matter what happens in my life,

I'll know you'll aways be,

The apple of my eye,

The sunshine to my sea.

[manly-sombero]

Wish my mind would go to sleep

When I close my eyes I cry

Kinda wish I got Corona

So that I could fucking die

Cuz what's the point of living

If I can't even go outside

When I think about it for a minute

Can't even tell if I'm alive.

I've lost my motivation

Who cares if I past this grade

If all of creation

Decides to fade away

The airs polluted, the trees are all aflame

When I close my eyes

I wish I could quit this game.

I'm all done with this horror film

Can't get my eyes to open

I start screaming in my head

Yet everyday I'm hopin

That some miracle will come

To take us all away

Or at least everyone else

If I had to fucking stay

Cuz id do that

Lose my life for those who don't deserve this

It's better then living

A life that's worthless.

[manly-sombero]

If I am allowed to love you,

I will love you fiercely.

Every part of my soul,

Will come alive to let you know.

If I am allowed to love you,

Every fiber of my being,

Will stop at nothing,

To keep you safe.

I care far to deeply,

Go everyone around me,

If I am allowed to love you,

I will be there for you.

But,

If I am not allowed to love you?

I will forget you,

The fire in my soul will continue raging,

But the forest fire that will burn for others,

Will miss you completely.

If I am not allowed to love you,

I will move forward,

And leave you to protect yourself.

My love is fierce, and deep, and strong.

But I cannot love everyone,

I, am not strong enough for that.

So if I am not allowed to love you?

I'll say,

au revoir, mon amour pas

[manly-sombero]

I don't know

When you'll appear

I keep thinking that I see you

Scattered throughout the faces of a thousand people

Shining bright in the neon signs

He likes you

But I read the signs wrong,

It was not an advertisement

But a warning.

I mistook the brightness of the lettering for a truth that can never be know unless it is spoken from the lips of the one you truly want to hear it from.

I thought that each opportunity I got to talk with someone would be the start of my happily ever after

But there is no longer any hope of true love or fairytales.

I broke my back like the spine of a storybook trying to carry my impossible idea of love.

Love is a lie we tell ourselves so we can live through the night alone.