ManMadeSeraphim

Trying to self actualize or reach apotheosis, using this blog to scream into the void and be dramatic about stuff that should be in a journal

[manmadeseraphim]

I am Angel

I am an angle

I am the angel

No

I'm no angel

But I wish I was

I wish I was so goddamn bad

I wish I was the creature

Some thing

Made of eyes and feathers and the scraps of the flesh that yet cling to my frame

Covered in the blood that once filled my insides, showing teeth that could devour theirs

I want to be this horrifying, sexy, disturbing, powerful creature

Something that when one looks, they don't see a man

They don't see this idea of self that was imposed unto me, the shitty implications of action that come with the way I just exist

I want them to see power

To see beauty

To see strength

To see something that is wholly different from themselves

Something desired by all kinds of people in all kinds of ways

Because power is sexy

Power is control

Control is security

Security is safety

And safety is an assurance of freedom

I can do what I want, when I want, however I want

I can dress as I like without fear of being judged or singled out

I can act a way that wouldn't immediately be off-putting because it wasn't what they thought when they saw me.

I want to be released from these shackless the Lord so cruelly imposed onto me.

This dead weight flesh, suffering amongst a collective of idiots that need me to look and act all different ways to be accepted and not alienated.

I'm tired of being alone

Not being wanted

Romantically, platonically, etcetera

I want to be that freak that draws their eyes to my own in envy and jealousy

I want to be enjoyed

I want to be Angel

[manmadeseraphim]

Stop talking to me

Stop telling me about my body

I don’t want to hear it

Your voice echos in my head

Disgusting words of objectification

Boiling away my soul, leaving only a husk of aesthetic

Stop praising my features

I am not you

I am not vain

I don’t want to be like you

I don’t want to think like you

I don’t want to hate myself when it all disappears

So why do you curse me so?

Wrap me in your generational turmoil

Plague me with the malediction of idealization

You have grown old

As we all shall

Do not imbed in me your seed of hate and despair

Of pride built to fall as the years wax on

So leave me be,

Oh Mother,

I yearn to grow my love of self alone

And be the happy architect of my own designs

[manmadeseraphim]

I wish I wasn't hungry

I wish I didn't desire to devour every fish I see

I just want to appreciate the world around me

and yet, these feelings always reflect on my face when I gaze in the water

cant I just leave myself alone

[manmadeseraphim]

I’m not allowed to love yet

Can’t happen just yet

Won’t work out here, not now

I’m too busy to love

Yet that still doesn’t stop my heart

So I wrapped my hands around it and stop its beating

Forward I march

Not like I care anymore, I’ve accepted how things go

Scars are reminders

Even if most arnt seen

Now I’m only left with lust

I honestly don’t know what it is

Could be my medication, it is a listed effect

But the label never would have prepaired me for The magnitude of sweltering heat trapped behind my eyes

My vision is hunger

But my mind finds it mad

That I can’t just focus on the task at hand

Too many people, too many possibilities

too many campaigns long fought to completion

just to feel something of the physical kind

I want it faster

Is it addiction pushing me?

Or is it just a vying to be shown that I’m “worthy”

Proof of the fact

I never did have that before

But now through my heart flows malediction of malice

I only want for me at this point

Because the only friends I can make are the ones that I take to bed

Everyone else is just to busy for a close and quality plutonic friendship

[manmadeseraphim]

I sit in my room listening to my amassed collection of emo music on my phone’s speaker.

On my computer I type away, writing Warhammer 40k fan fiction as if I were playing in a sand box with action figures.

Besides me sit several cans of a variety of different energy drinks which surely add up to a biologically harmful amount of caffeine.

I am content, and I am at peace.

Later I will go to the gym to walk on the treadmill and try to read The Solar War simultaneously.

Life is good

[manmadeseraphim]

What is the point of self betterment if you don’t commit to it?

What point is there to wallow in your own self pitty and spite for others

Why do I “need” to hold onto emotions such as these and still say that I want to improve myself?

I want to move, I want to change, I want to grow and become a better version of myself.

I want to move on with my life and persue something I desire to see done.

I want to put in the time now so I may persue my hobbies later, so I can do what I desire without needing to languish in busy work or feelings of insignificance.

I’m finally putting my foot down.

No matter how the wounds sting. If I pick them back open, they will fester, and I will rot.

To live is to learn. I’ve said that life is about experiences. I’ve said that I want to experience as much as I can. While some are grand, and sometimes those grandeurs collapse. These too are experiences. Not all are nice.

I’m moving on, I need to—for myself and for my future. Becoming content in my own identity without leaning on others to fill in the holes.

I’ve accepted all I’ve been through. Because it’s made me who I am in this very moment.

We meet people we will one day never see again. And that simply is that. Life it too finite to whine about these things.

I’m back in my arc of self, I’m back to embracing my passions, my silliness, and my “head in the clouds” desire to be something impossibly grand.

I’ve changed myself for others before and diluted what is my own with theirs. But at the same time—it’s let me find more of who I am and who I want to be.

So I’m carrying on.

[manmadeseraphim]

My dreams are nightmares

They arnt nightmares

They’re rather pleasant

Only when I wake

Do they torment me

I saw faces

I felt sensations

I heard voices

Of people whose paths were severed from mine

People who I once lied with intertwined

And it hurts

Burns my soul

I was sold a lie in wonderland

And now Im forced to see the past from the present

With hindsight that I wish would leave me blind

Relive what I have taught myself to get over

This has been happening for almost a week now

I don’t know why

I just want to have a good morning

Because after all,

They’ve all been good nights sleeps

[sandmandaddy69]

[manmadeseraphim]

I miss who I could have been

I miss what I could have had

I mourn a me that never was and never will be

Some vapid idea of grandeur made up of “ifs” and “buts”

Get on your feet

You still have time

After all,

You’re not dead yet.

And when something is alive,

It doesn’t die easy

[manmadeseraphim]

Hate

Let me tell you how much I’ve come to hate

Toxicity—poisoning my blood

What I let others do

What my desperation for attention and affection carried me towards

Hate—call it revisionist history,

But I’ve been looking over the past—

And they were always a bit of a cunt,

Someone I saw through rose tinted glasses.

I’ve taken them off so I can spit at their feet with 20-20 vision

Because I want to see it clear

And know how much of a sad joke they really are

[manmadeseraphim]

A beast of inheritance

Of what is the child of medusa called?

Is it too, a monster?

Am I what my mother has made of me?

Am I damned to be a gorgon born from her loins?

What else could a man like me become?

Of that I have no clue

And I tire of wondering

[manmadeseraphim]

Changing my major,

Let’s do another semester

Why the fuck not

UUUhhhgghhg

[manmadeseraphim]

I fr got like 7 song prototypes all set up, I am so excited to re learn the guitar, learn that shit, and try to record

I’m so happy with how the songs have turned out, an the guy I’m seeing is so good w guitar—he’s helping me with guitar stuff, his knowledge is like magic to me

So awsome

[manmadeseraphim]

Deleted all the pictures he’s in

Moving past it

Instagram too

I don’t wanna bother

It feels good

Some part doesn’t

But that is the part I am yet to heal

I’m working on myself

Moving forward and past

Finally

Getting the cobwebs out of every corner

I’m new

I’m different

I’m not that person who was stuck

I’m not a doll

That isn’t me

I exist

I’m learning to live better

[manmadeseraphim]

Lakehouse boy

Prince I fumbled

Man I scarred

You probably threw away my hoodie

I wouldn’t be surprised if you burned it.

I still wear yours

I still have the bobble head on my shelf

I still have that drawing in my car

I miss you

I’m sorry

I wasn’t ready then

I couldn’t handle it

I really don’t think it would’ve worked out.

Honestly

I wanted to save us both some portion of pain

I don’t know if I actually did.

I’m just saddened at having hurt you more than anything

I think of that more than I need to

Having burned a soul so innocent and radiant

I miss your dogs

Your inside jokes

Your silly smile,

Fuzzy facial hair,

Big glasses

I miss you—sweet prince

I hope you are well.

I hope I can reconnect with you in the future

I hope we can be in terms to talk again

With care—

[manmadeseraphim]

Killing the past is hard

Detaching yourself from something undesirable—

It poses difficulty,

Because its corpse rots,

Festers, swells.

Makes itself impossible to avoid.

Despite how badly you just want it gone.

How bad you want away from it all.

It takes time, and energy to clean up that mess

Effort—bringing yourself to finally remove it.

It is messy, you need to break it down into bits.

Even the , it’s juices spill across the carpet—staining your floors

There will always be stains after such a thing

Something you’ll never forget.

But room is still made

So use this present of time

To invite in a future you wish to forever stay.

[manmadeseraphim]

In truth

I have never been casual

Never been nonchalant

I am a lover

I am passionate

An unsmotherable blaze burning up my insides

I am coming to terms with who I am yet to be

My soul, an ugly Frankenstein patchwork of those I loved in true

Because that’s what it was, the emotion strongest in our ever human hearts

Love

Feelings that linger in the back of my soul, locked in the bottom of my mind

I don’t think I will ever be able to kill them all

These feelings

That which fan the embers of resentment, anger, frustration

For none of man, but the circumstances of life

These yet alight coals of love

That continue to keep my heart burning

That keep me pushing uphill

I am all of me

And I’m starting to not want it any other way

This love of mine