Manners

A lighthearted attempt to encourage positive human interaction.

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Silly Sam’s Sign

So I go over to Sam's Club the other day in order to get some exercise. (I pay a membership fee there, so I figured it's like a gym.) Anyway, after pushing a big cart full of frozen turkeys around the store for awhile, I decide it's time to get a new view on life. I head for the tallest shelves I can spot and prepare my ascent. Then out of the corner of my eye I spot this sign. All I can say is it was lucky I found this because it offered a much better foothold than that box of Life Cereal.

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Music as Medicine

When a close friend loses a loved one, you should be there for them.  When an acquaintance loses a loved one, you should send a card. When a colleague or neighbor you know fairly well, but aren’t really close to, loses a loved one, what should you do?

Photo Credit: Mike Mozart

Give the gift of music.  

Music helps heal the soul better than any words you can utter.  But since you probably don’t know what type of music the lamenting individual enjoys or what specific songs will help them, my encouragement is for you to provide a handwritten note with a gift card allowing them to choose the music they want.  If you know they have an iPhone, an iTunes card is best.  If you know they have an Android phone, a Google Play card is probably a good choice. (Just be sure to include a gift receipt in case you are wrong)

The key point is that you want to offer something tangible, something that can help them heal.  Words of compassion are expected from the socially astute, a listening ear is provided by a friend, but the gift of music is the ministry of angels.

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Number Comes First

Ever listen to a voice message where the person leaving the message rattles on and on and then at the very end of the recording rushes through an undecipherable telephone number? Yes, I hate that too!  The problem is, even if your answering system has a fast forward button, it’s still going to be work to find, discern, and write down the caller’s 10-digit telephone number.

Photo Credit: Anthony Crider

I had a professor once who decided that if he couldn’t write down your call-back number after listening to your voice message one time he wasn’t going to bother calling you back. While I don’t have that harsh of a policy, I do get frustrated with some of the callers who leave me messages.

To avoid this frustration, here are three things everyone should do when leaving a voice message that includes a telephone number:  1) Start the message off by stating your name and providing your full telephone number.  Do this at the very beginning of the recording, don’t leave it until the end. 2) Speak your call-back number slowly and clearly. 3) Provide the number twice in a row.  In other words, repeat it.

When I receive a message where the caller follows the above three guidelines, I want to call them back just to thank them for being so considerate.

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Seat a Stranger

I was at the airport recently and realized a problem that doesn’t need to be. And since I choose to be an optimist, I would assume that most people don’t intend any malice by this.

(Photo by author)

Here’s the problem, at a crowded airport people will find a seat and then put their bag or purse in the chair next to them.

My concern here is obvious– this individual is blocking others from having a seat. Putting your bag on the chair beside you is no big deal when there are plenty of open seats available (as it was on this day), but when it gets crowded and we give our bag a chair we are screaming out one of two things, and both of these things are pretty sad. The first message this behavior sends is that we are fearful–we are too scared to have a stranger sit by us. We might have to talk to them. The second message this behavior sends is that we think our property is more important than a fellow human being. Either way, we can do better.

I am going to make it my practice to set my bag in front of me and give others the option to sit by me, even though I may be a scary stranger. I look forward to talking with you.

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Cords on Hand

We live in a technology driven culture, for better or for worse. I sometimes joke that in the future when a baby is born, we’ll not only issue the child a name and social security number, we’ll also assign a cell phone number.  According to a recent Pew Research Center Report 64% of Americans own a smartphone and 50% own an e-reader or tablet. Our idea of hospitality, therefore, needs to take this ubiquitous fact into consideration.

Photo Credit: CGP Grey

This is not to say that one needs to have every connector and charging cable known to humankind; it just means we should have the most common chargers on hand.  Perhaps the newer lightning bolt and the older 30-pin Apple cables, as well as micro and and mini USB cords should be part of our hospitality supplies.  This way when someone stops by our place and needs a quick charge, we’ll be ready to help them out.

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Friends Before Flights

A friend lets you know that they just purchased their plane ticket to visit you.  You are excited to see them.  Then they let you know their return flight leaves at 6 a.m. and the airport they chose is over an hour from your home. Now you are not so sure!

Photo credit: Luis Alves

The point is simple, don't be the friend that tries to save a few bucks by buying a ticket that requires your loved one to get up at 3 a.m. or travel two hours to the old air force base you got a cheap deal for using.  Respect your friend's schedule. Pay a bit more and get a reasonable flight time, rent a car if you need to, or at the very least ask them honestly if the flight that saves you $40 would be inconvenient for them to get to.

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Offer Social Praise

Most people enjoy trying a new coffee shop, local diner, or intriguing breakfast place when they travel. Some of these new discoveries are unpleasant eating experiences, most are okay, and a few are pleasant surprises. When you find one of these good places- "Spend your Money and Spread the Word."

Use your favorite ratings site and write a positive, informative review.  For example, my wife and I visited the Coffee House restaurant in Newport, Oregon this summer and we ordered breakfast there.  The food was delicious, my pancake was massive, and the staff was friendly.  I would definitely go there again; however, I would recommend avoiding regular meal times as there isn't a lot of seating and the place is popular. (And no, I didn't try their coffee, so I don't know what to say about that.)

On a related note, if you go to a place that isn't very good, I recommend that you don't post anything. Let the haters post the negative stuff, only use your precious time to promote and praise.

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Cleaning the Microwave

If you share a common kitchen at work or in your apartment, invariably the microwave is going to get dirty.  So you clean it, because you are a nice person (of course you are, you read this blog).  But that is not enough.

Photo Credit: Megan Morris

You need to let go of the anger as well.  Don't depreciate your noble act of service by leaving a demanding note indicating that you are never going to do this again, or one that says, "Please clean up after using."  Such notes don't work. If you want to influence the behavior of others, model it yourself.

If someone notices you cleaning the microwave, don't gripe about how dirty it is, just clean it.  If they thank you for cleaning it, don't reply, "Well it was just so filthy, I couldn't stand it anymore."  Such comments always come across angry and they do not encourage others to lend a hand.  Instead, simply respond, "Thanks, I just want to make this kitchen a place everyone can enjoy."  Your listener will get the point and you will make one small step forward in improving the world.

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The Texting Tool

Texting is great.  I'm a big fan and I use it every day.  But I've come to realize something recently.

Photo Credit: woodleywonderworks

Text Messaging is like Duct Tape. It has so many applications; but you can't use it for everything.  When you need to tighten a screw it's best to use a screwdriver.  Likewise when you really want to connect with a loved one, it's best to meet in person or at least make a call.  It's fine to send a friend a quick text message saying, "I heard your cat died, I'm thinking of you." But if you really want to show care, inconvenience yourself.  Give the person some of your undivided time and attention when they need it.  Text them and ask when you can drop by or when you can give them a call.

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Everyday Trash Collecting

Summer brings warm weather and more outdoor activities, at least up North.  It also gives us better opportunities to do this kind act.

Photo credit: Michael Pereckas

As you are out and about look for litter.  Spot it, grab it, and throw it in the nearest trashcan. Not only will you feel better about what you've done to improve the environment, other people will see you and perhaps be inspired to follow suit.

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Outta the Way

How many times have you gone to get a drink from the pop machine or get creamer for your coffee only to find a fellow customer standing in the way, taking their own sweet time? Now ask yourself this, how many times was that customer you?

(photo by the author)

It’s not that we don’t have a right to put the plastic lid on our drink cup, it’s just that it’s a whole lot more considerate to do so in a way that lets others get what they need as well. So rather than standing right in front of the pop machine while you unwrap your straw and put it into your cup, think about how you can get what you need and get out of the way. Perhaps this means you step to the side. Perhaps it means you pour in your creamer, and return to your table before you stir your coffee.

And when you are in line to get your drink or condiments and discover a customer ahead of you is oblivious to those around him or her, be patient.  Use the few seconds of delay to be thankful that we live in a society that has such luxuries as pure cane sugar crystals and a variety of drink options.

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Got a Minute

This one is super easy, and it only involves eight simple words.  The next time you call a friend start the conversation with the following phrase.

Photo Credit: John Morgan

"Do you have time to talk right now?"  This question is powerful because it checks to make sure that you aren't interrupting the person you are calling.  Sometimes people answer the phone when they really should have taken a message.  This question acknowledges that they may be in the middle of something or may need to go soon. 

If you get asked this question, respond by telling the caller how long you have to talk.  That way if you only have ten minutes available, they won't feel bad when you interrupt them 10 minutes into their conversation that you need to go.

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Seat Your Audience

Ever arrive at a meeting and discover there are no empty chairs left?  Unless the chairs were carted off to this room, there's actually another problem. Here's how to avoid it.

Photo Credit: Martin Deutsch

If you are the organizer of a meeting, make sure that the room you are going to meet in has at least two more chairs than the number of people scheduled to attend the meeting. This is a simple courtesy to your invitees. Don't make them go on a search.

And if more people come to the meeting than you have chairs for, give up your chair and go looking for some extras. This shows that you care about every person in the room and it provides a model for others to follow. If you can't find any more chairs, then stand. You won't make this mistake again.

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Curiosity Kills Kindness

We live in a broken world.  If suffering doesn't strike us personally, it invariably hits our friends and coworkers.  Too often we forget to show them love and instead we ask questions that don't help.

Photo Credit: Ben Sutherland

For example, the next time someone tells you that their elderly parent or grandparent is in the hospital don't ask them how old their parent or grandparent is.  While we may simply be curious, the message that we are indirectly sending is, "Haven't they lived a long life already?  Should I even care; aren't they going to die soon anyway?"

Instead of a cold, quantitative inquiry, it would be better to offer a warm, compassionate show of support.  For example, we could state, "I'm so sorry to hear that your grandmother is in the hospital.  How are you holding up during this difficult time? Has it been very stressful for you?" 

Notice that this question is not trying to get data about the elderly person in the hospital.  In these types of conversations, we need to show love and empathy to the person we are talking to. They want to feel that they are cared for. Satisfying our curiosity about grandma's chances does not offer them love.

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Make the Call

It's great to have instant access to friends and family through our mobile phones. But sadly, no system is perfect and sooner or later your phone call is going to get dropped.  Now what do you do?

Photo Credit: Stefan Klauke

Whenever a phone conversation gets disconnected, the person who initiated the call should call the other person back. This will simplify the confusion of who should call who, where both parties are waiting expectantly for the other person to call. Or worse still, where each party tries to call the other person at the same time and only end up reaching the other person's voice mail.

Stop playing phone tag! The person who originally called, should call back and the callee should wait for the call. It's that simple.  And one other thing, don't try to figure out who was responsible for the disconnection, just reengage the conversation.

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A Friendly Tip

Sooner or later someone is going to buy you a meal at a nice restaurant. First thing to do is thank them for the kind gesture. Then, make them this sincere offer.

Photo Credit: Anne Petersen

Tell them that you would like to take care of the tip. They will decline your offer but you should insist, because this is a tangible way to show your appreciation.

Just be sure to do two things. 1) Try to make a good estimate of the cost of the meal, then tip generously. 2) Leave cash on the table don’t try to pay the tip with a credit card. For both of these points to occur you need to plan ahead. Pay attention when items are being ordered and secretly add up the prices from the menu. And bring a variety of paper currency with you to the restaurant so that it's easy to cover the tip.

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The Thankfulness Journal

I haven't added an idea to this blog recently.  Truth is, I allowed myself to get too busy doing work.  

Photo credit: Ray Dumas

But the work I've done no one will really remember. Alas, I don't fully recall exactly what's been keeping me busy these past five weeks. I could scan through my work calendar and my to-do lists, but why waste the present on the chores of the past?  Rather, what I've learned these past five weeks is that I need to stop and periodically review the kind things that others have done for me. I need to start keeping a thankfulness journal.  And today's entry would be that you took the time to read my blog; thank you.