SOMBRA A SOL: Pulling out the silla for your Shadow Self
(Disclaimer for non-bilingual friends: some words en espaƱol.)
Last night I had a dream that I had been given the diagnosis of being terminally ill and Ā given the option then and there to die by injection. I didnāt feel ill. I initially said yes, that I didnāt want to even begin to experience what dying slowly was like. It sounded like pain, even though I wasnāt feeling pain. Getting this injection would have just put me to sleep and cannonballed my alma right back into the sparkly fluidity of cosmos, flying free of the enredos of my human incarnation.
But right before they were going to do it, I panicked and told them to stop. I changed my mind. I said I wanted to live. I wanted to spend every last second with my family. If dying slowly, and maybe painfully, meant I could spend more time, having more carcajadas, giving more abrazos, then it was fine to die slow. No, ya no me piquen!
I woke up reflecting not on that sweet and easy realization at the end. I wanted to know what made me say yes initially, and what led me to feel comfortable with that for a while. I was wanting algo to end, something about being in this body to stop, that made me forget the beauty of it all for a second. This morning Iāve been sorting through it, and I think I have recognized lo queĀ es.
The Shadow Self
It was, as Dexter would have called it, my āDark Passengerā, the Id and Egoās baby, the unconscious, the hooded Kermit, and what I like to callāthe Shadow Self. For some of us, the Shadow Self is the part of us that tells us that some expressions and emotions (fear, heartbreak, mental exhaustion, fill in the blank), are not survivable. Theyāre too threatening, too heavy, weāre too weak, theyāre too ugly, weāre losers, desgraciados.
I first learned about Shadow Work through Debbie Fordās conversations with Michael Bernard Beckwith on his radio show, the Sound of Transformation, in early 2010. I remember taking notes furiously and wanting to absorb the information mĆ”s profundo.Ā Our Shadow Self is this aspect of darkness found in us all. Itās kept, like its name, in the sombras of our whole being because itās attached to shame. She shared that our Shadow Self is often feared, neglected, even actively pushed away because it requires for us to have the vulnerability to face it and bring it to light. That vulnerability, reasonably, hasnāt felt very protective for most of us throughout our lives, so weād rather side step in in favor of keeping our Shadow Self away from the general public if we can. Itās possible that many of us havenāt yet discovered we have one, and that itās manejando the car more often than weād like to admit.
Debbie wrote: āIt contains all the parts of ourselves that we have tried to hide or deny. It contains those dark aspects that we believe are not acceptable to our family, friends, and most important, ourselves. The dark side is stuffed deeply within our consciousness, hidden from ourselves and others. The message we get from this hidden place is simple: there is something wrong with me. Iām not okay. Iām not lovable. Iām not deserving. Iām not worthy.ā
How the Shadow Self Appears
When our shadow appears, usually unexpectedly and around those we feel safest with or by ourselves, it can express itself in confusing ways. If weāre not conscious of what is happening, as itās happening, it can be destructive to our relationships, our mental health, and to our potential for giving and receiving Love.
One way Iāve noticed it appear for me is as absolutes in my vocabulary and as labels. For example: āYou ALWAYS prioritize other things over my needsā; āIām NEVER able to follow throughā. These words are judgments and evaluations that are inaccurate and make us or another person feel inadequate instantly. Really, they arenāt true. Really, theyāre hurtful. Lastimanfeo.
We know it hurts to hear judgments made about us. We might speak up then, in defense of any given part of ourselves we want to preserve. But who is speaking up for us when our Shadow places Self-judgment on ourselves? Recently I called myself a Bitch. Iāve always fought to not label myself lazy. Being āhuevonaā is only the worst thing one can be has been the cultural and family imprint. Iāve had the urge to self-harm when I hear something inside calling me useless, unloved, ungrateful, better off gone. There is no one saying this to me. I repeat, no one is saying this to me but my Shadow Self. It fuels itself. It seeks reinforcement for these toxic affirmations, and it can easily get it when weāre slipping.
When these words are erupting, either causing us to implode or explode, they are usually paired with an inflection that gives it away and some kind of tense body language. Our body reacts as if thereās a finger pointed at our nariz. Noticing this signal can help us to see that weāve retreated somewhere within and let our sombra take over for a bit. If this happens frequently in a partnership, it can begin to erode in subtle ways initially, and then larger and more stormy ones later. Similarly, and quizĆ”s more dangerously, if this happens frequently in our relationship with ourselves, it can chisel away at our capacity for resilience. We can feel like theĀ bad pecadores we were told not to be. That is why Shadow Work is so needed.Ā
Shadow Work is Hard AND Important Ā
Shadow Work to me feels like Iām diving into a puddle of lodo. But it can also feel extremely freeing and opening, if Iām aware Iām about to jump off, and if Iām aware that when I turn my sombra towards the sun, my eyes may want to close. I may want that injection to end it again because.. well, it isnāt a magnificent glowing light at first. It could be the absolutes or labels, or maybe we catch ourselves lying, or accusing, or deflecting, Ā gossiping, not living within integrity, not practicing our intentions. Our āsinsā, our flaws and imperfections, our Shadow Selves are only as influencing as we help them to be, but we may need some guidance in reframing and redirecting, translating andĀ transforming, our sombras. This is where the tools at our disposal need to be considered, like maybe therapy or... maybe even.. therapy. The choice is ours.
I was struggling to remember this morning the ways in which Debbie, and Carl Jung who initiated understanding of Shadow Work, suggested integrating the Shadow Self. It isnāt so much about not making any evaluations about the Shadow at all, because those evaluations done self-compassionately can be useful, but rather looking at what it is here to teach us. We all have programming to rewire, layers to shed, cocoons to crack. We all must have to face the devil in the desert, so to speak, at one point or another. Some of us can take 40 days, some of us can take 40 years. Our sombras are trying to alert us, not destroy us.
Even if it sounds counterintuitive, the sombra a sol processĀ wants to be a healing experience, because it wants us to experience the warmth of our verdadera verdad, yes our truest truth!, on our faces. Blockages have the ability to clear with this effort and integration. We donāt have to feel vergĆ¼enza in taking responsibility for our Shadow, it comes with helpful mensajes and further instructions about where we can grow, how we can grow, and where we have already grown.
Debbie writes: āFind the gifts of your shadow and you will finally revel in all the glory of your true self.ā
So no, I donāt want the injection from having to feel the discomfort of growth, I donāt want to be saved from the struggle, I donāt believe that Iām too weak to take ownership of how I show up. I can work to translate the messaging of the Shadow, even in the moments when I want to hide, when I get urges to wallow, when I feel pulled to shove it down, jump over it, agree with it that Iām just too dĆ©bil to continue. It isnāt an easy choice for some of us to continue. But choosing to live means committing to do the Shadow Work that needs to be done in order to be able to make that choice first, not second, more frequently and con ganas.