marahismalaya

[marahismalaya]

#TwentyFiveTwentyOneFinale 

Two days after Twenty-Five-Twenty-One finale and my heart is still heavy. Man, that got me good! Mismo, Tsong! Solid. Tagos sa puso.

I’m still processing that finale as I write this. In hindsight, it was a realistic ending...for me at least. Perhaps that’s why we’re all struggling to accept how it unfolded, because reality slapped us hard in that episode. It reminded us that life isn’t a fairytale. Sometimes the third party in a relationship isn’t a person, it is life, and life can be a bitch at times. Not everything we thought would last, will last. Not everything we hoped for will be in our favour. But if there’s one more thing that finale has reminded me, it was this: Life is painful, yes, but it has always a way of healing us and leading us to the person we’re meant to become.

(photo credit to the owner)

[marahismalaya]

January

January was eventful. So many things unfolded—a few firsts and moments for the books. I think that was obviously seen on my instagram feed—there’s beach, mountain and the astounding sunset—all that instagram worthy shots that make people think you are living your best life. So I had to step back. I went off social media twice in a span of a month to reflect and ask myself if that was really my truth. I’ve always tried to be honest with what I feel, but recently I’ve been trying to runaway from my reality. I feel like I did things to escape. I mean, life was okay and there were actually so many things to be grateful about, but there’s this loneliness I feel.This sense of disconnect from the world, from God and ultimately from myself. Truth is, I haven’t been myself lately. And I have spent the month that was trying to reconnect to my core.

But if there’s one thing the past month has taught me that was to accept that being lost and restless are part of the process. Of course it didn’t happen overnight, but I eventually found comfort that there’s growth waiting at the end of this struggle. That I, like the moon, will also go through phases of emptiness to be full again. To quote the brilliant Michelle Obama: 

 “Becoming is never giving up on the idea that there’s more growing to be done.”

[marahismalaya]

Another Kobe Story 

This was an excerpt from a journal I wrote on January 2018. I was feeling uninspired and lost. I’m a big basketball fan. Basketball videos are my go-to whenever I need an extra push and inspiration, and out of the millions of basketball videos on YouTube, the universe led me to Kobe’s retirement speech. And these were his very words that saved me that night. I wrote them to remember. Excuse the messy penmanship. 

Years passed, and honestly, there were so many moments I failed to live by his words. Moments I settled for being safe and mediocre. Moments I allowed inefficiency and self-doubt got the best of me. Moments I didn’t carry on just because it’s hard.

On the day he died, I decided to revisit this journal entry and realised that people like Kobe don’t happen overnight. They go through a process like how diamonds are made-- exposed to a lot of heat, made under a lot of pressure, beaten and cut. Many times. And they embrace the process with their whole heart regardless of the pain they have to endure. 

Lately, I have been feeling sad because I have forgotten how to dream. I overwhelmed myself with obligations that I put things that make me feel alive on the backseat. But going back to this journal put a lot of things into perspective. I recalled the days I lost time for my passion yet I spent hours scrolling through instagram and wasting time doing things that don’t benefit my growth. It brought me back to the times I complained being tired that I have forgotten how to live for something greater than myself. 

But here’s Kobe, on the day of his death, reminding me to make the most of what is given to me simply because I can do more and I can be more. Mamba Mentality. And true enough, we are the limitations we create. That the gap between us and our dreams is actually us. 

Thank you, Kobe! May your life serves as a constant reminder for us to pursue greatness, not only in our craft but also in our every day lives as a human being. I hope I’d get to live my life the way you did and be able to inspire even a single soul out there to not give up, because that’s how you have inspired me. 

From this day forward, I will never look at early wake up calls and late night passion sessions as a hindrance, but an opportunity to go beyond my limitations and to live the dream. And just in case I forget, I’d write it here one more time:

"Those times when you get up early and you work hard. Those times you stay up late and you work hard. Those times when you don't feel like working. You're too tired. You don't want to push yourself, but you do it anyway. That is actually the dream."

- Kobe Bryant

♡,

M

[marahismalaya]

A Birthday Speech

“People will exhaust you and life will break your heart. But this I can promise, in this journey, you have me. 5 millimetres or 5 thousands miles apart, I will always be here for you.”

That’s an excerpt from a love letter I wrote to Mel when she turned 18. And I think I have been doing great in that aspect until a couple of weeks back. It was when Mel and I were both going through tough times as individuals. I knew that there's something up with her, but for the very first time, I stayed quiet and decided to ignore her pain. I just let her deal with it by herself simply because I, too, was running out of gas in my tank. 

And a week after, that’s when I decided to open up to Mel and told her that I wasn’t okay and I knew that she wasn’t too.I said sorry for not being there for her like I promised. And guess what my sister said: “It’s okay, ate. I understand.” When I was complaining about exhaustion was the only thing constant in my life, my sister gave me a hug and said: “I’ll be your constant, Ate.”

And just last week, I was reading a book written by most favourite writer, and there’s this paragraph which sums up everything I wanted to tell my sister when anxiety was getting the best of us. How I wished I have stumbled upon it earlier, so somehow I was able to comfort her with these words, but perhaps, I was meant to share this with her tonight.So I could also share it with everyone here, who may be going through some tough time and is fighting a battle silently. This is for you. This is for us.

I think it’s inevitable that I will not always be there for you, but for the times I will miss the chance to remind you the beauty of life, please remember this:

“Happiness is good, but it doesn’t change a person the way hurt does. It does not challenge a person the way pain will. We grow—my goodness, do we grow—from the bad stuff.

So the reality is this: The dark clouds are here to stay, not forever, but for now. But the silver lining? Well, it’s this: There is a part of us that can only be found in sadness, in anger, in despair, in defeat. And that part is precious. It is the place where courage is built.

And courage, my dear, is worth it.”

- Isa Garcia, Found

Happy Birthday, bunso! I love you more than words can say.

Love,

Ate

[marahismalaya]

#TributeThursday: Sheena

I get messages from people expressing their admiration for my recent trip back home. They think it’s brave to go for something that makes you feel alive. They see my photos--all smiles and full of life and freedom--in the beautiful island of Boracay, somewhere in Mindanao and in the province where I was born. It’s easier for them to assume that I’m living the best life. But as much as I am open to my adventures and misadventures in social media, they only see a percentage of the whole story. However, there’s one person who has seen it all--Sheena, my greatest friend.

Sheena has seen how I almost drowned in Cagayan River because of panic attack. She has seen me faced my fears in Boracay. And she has seen how my anxiety got the best of me in Clark Airport. While waiting for the rain to stop on a mountain somewhere in Bukidnon, we talked about life and everything in between. And while our barefeet kissed the Boracay white sand, I told her more about my journey. 

But my most favourite conversations of ours happened in our budget hotel rooms. There I opened up to her certain facets of my life that I often feel reluctant to share with others. For the first time, I was able to share my truth. I told her my real struggles, my greatest fears, my sadness and the reason why I had to make this trip happen.  And Sheena has seen how imperfect my life is.

But the most defining moment of our friendship happened in Bataan. A few  hours after we landed from Mindanao, I found out something that really hurt me and it resulted to a meltdown. My emotions were too overwhelming that I knew I needed to ask for help. After half an hour, Sheena came and saved the day. 

She picked me up from where I was staying, and the only thing she asked: “Anong nangyari, Mare?” and throughout the night she just listened to my story of anger and pain. And never for a single second I felt judged. For hours, my greatest friend on planet earth drove me around Balanga. I lost count how many times we went in circles, but she didn’t stop driving until she's certain that I was feeling better. That night, Sheena has seen it all.

She went through it all with me. So when people tell me I’m brave, I think of her, because really I wouldn’t be able to do it all. Aside from God’s grace, I owe it to her. Without her presence and her capacity to encourage people to believe in themselves, Philippines wouldn’t be the adventure story that it was.

So Mare, Thank you. 

Happy Birthday :)

Love,

M

[marahismalaya]

What Self-love Has Taught Me?

18th of September marks a celebration of self-love for me. And this year, self-love turned two!  

It’s been two years since I have said “no” to the person who didn’t see my worth. Two years since I finally said “enough” to the people who took advantage of my kindness. And two years since the day I finally chose myself.

It hasn’t been an easy journey. It was a long and painful process of learning and growing to be the woman that I am today. And I still am a work in progress. Still working on how I set boundaries, speak up, and embrace radical self-love. I still get lost and feel overwhelm by the changes that have been happening in me. Sometimes I feel like a stranger to my own self, but I know that these changes are all part of my growth. Of my own becoming. 

So two years of self-love! What have I learned so far?

I have come to a realisation that self-love isn’t all about the glow, body positivity and celebrating all things that make you feel alive and free; because self-love, like any kind of love, is painful too. 

Self-love is allowing yourself to be vulnerable when your world crumbles down, it’s accepting defeat and the fact that you can’t have things figured out all the time. Self-love is letting yourself to look straight at your own reflection and stare at your own imperfections. It is embracing the darkest facet of your being, and loving it just the same way you love your most beautiful angle. Self-love is learning to be gentle to yourself even you feel otherwise. It is taking a step back to reconnect with your roots and allowing yourself to be more human—to feel the hurt, the chaos and the nothingness. 

And self-love, just like any kind of love, is a choice. 

It is deciding to wake up every single day with hope, even the world is giving you all the reasons to dim your light. And I hope you choose it every waking moment of your life, because guess what, it’s worth it. 

You are worth it.

Love,

M

[marahismalaya]

Ramen, Confetti and the Wind 

Two weekends ago, I decided to catch up with friends. We didn’t have a solid plan, well aside from them agreeing to my ramen craving. It was cold and raining, so it was perfect! In every slurp of ramen noodles, a story was told. One opened up about love, the other about work and one about family. One shed a tear or two, the other gave fair advice, and one was at a loss for words. We talked and laughed about our struggles. Then, it hit me: we’re no longer kids.

I have known these girls for more than ten years. I grew up with them. Yes, we don’t see each other often; but I’ve shared some of the most defining moments of my life with these two. And for that, I will forever be grateful for the friendship we have.

A spontaneous decision brought us to town. It rained. Hard. We ran as fast as we could, but we still ended up getting drenched. We just laughed about our wet hair and pants. We roamed around a museum that has been part of our youth. And again, we laughed at the memories we made in that art building. Then we found ourselves in the new exhibit on the fourth floor–thousands of confetti suspended in the air, like the world stood still for a moment–and again, we laughed at ourselves as we awkwardly posed for the photos.

We made it to the roof top, and stayed there for an hour or two. Not much talking happened up there. We just sat there, enjoyed each other’s silence and allowed the breeze to kiss our cold cheeks and perhaps silently wished for the world to stand still like that confetti exhibit…so we could just breathe. Then the wind blew gently, like it has a way of comforting our tired souls.

Next thing I knew, we’re already in our uber on the way home. One was half asleep, the other was on her phone and one was just looking out of the window. Then it hit me: yes, we’re no longer kids; but the child in us didn’t die. I smiled, closed my eyes again and tried to take a nap. 

Love, M

[marahismalaya]

From An Outsider’s Point of View

I stared at the Cagayan River, and for a moment, I felt like I was staring at my own death. Before I jumped onto the raft, I already imagined my own mortality that would unfold in that water. Like how I would fell off and drowned in the largest and longest river in the Philippines. 

There was tightness in my chest. Heart was racing faster that it should have. I couldn’t catch my breath. 

Exactly how I felt when I finally booked my flight to Cagayan de Oro. 

I've been discouraged to pursue this trip by friends and family for safety reason. I remember my best friend’s reaction upon exiting Laguindingan Airport, where we’re greeted by a group of soldiers in a checkpoint and found out that CDO is actually located in Misamis Oriental:"Diba, dito yung napapanood natin sa balita?!” I swear, I heard worry in her voice. I wouldn’t blame her. This is Mindanao. An island which often associated with adjectives that synonymous to danger. 

There was fear in my heart too, but I knew that I was here for a reason. I wanted to prove people (myself included) that Mindanao is not the dangerous place everyone perceived it to be. Despite my own apprehensions, I have always believed that there’s more to Mindanao than war and terrorism.

After an hour of land travel, we have finally reached CDO. To our surprise, we’re welcomed by billboards--left and right--it felt like we're transported to EDSA for a second. The familiar sight gave us a sense of comfort. 

The rain started pouring. My best friend trusted me the logistics of this trip, but I have a tendency to not do my research enough when I travel. I’m also not a big fan of itineraries. I’ve always liked the idea of being lost and surprised. Sometimes my love for spontaneity can be a liability. Thank God we’re in the City of Golden Friendship!

When we’re clueless how to get to our hostel, locals, despite the rain and language barrier, helped us to find the right motorela to catch. Moterela is their version of tricycle, but a lot bigger. I enjoyed riding them while going around the city. Not only it was cheap, the drivers were polite too! 

The culinary scene in CDO is also something to be praised! I love how you can afford a decent Chicken Inasal (with unli rice) with Php 100! But my most favourite pick: Itlog Ni Migz from Kanto matched with a Peach Fruit Tea from Chingkeetea! Solid.

But the best gift of this city is this: my friendship with Alve. Alve is one of my favourite writers, and her works have inspired me in many ways. We have been online friends for five years, but this was our first time meeting in person. It felt like a reunion with a high school friend--no awkwardness, just good laugh and talk about life and everything in between. Of course, I have to mention that she’s lucky to call CDO home! 

As days passed, I have heard my best friend said this on repeat: “Hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala na nasa Misamis Oriental tayo!” But this time, there’s less worry in her voice. I could finally hear the enthusiasm!

We also had interesting conversations with other locals, and they didn’t hesitate to open up about their lives under martial law and how they feel when an outsider thinks that Mindanao is nothing but a dangerous place. Contrary to popular belief, they’re actually more grateful that martial law happened in Mindanao. They said it’s a lot more peaceful after it has been declared. Although one of them didn’t deny the killings that still happen in the city, it’s great to hear different perspectives. Maybe, it’s not always what it seems. 

Our last day fell on the 12th of June. It was intentional.I wanted to welcome Philippine’s Independence Day in Mindanao. I was there. I witnessed gentlemen in military uniforms gathered in Plaza Divisoria, not for a war, but to pay respect to the Philippine flag. In that moment, I wanted to cry joyful tears. I whispered a prayer that only God could hear: “Bless this land. May it finally be freed from whatever it’s keeping it in limbo.” On the way back to the airport, my best friend mentioned it again how she couldn’t believe that she has visited Misamis Oriental in this lifetime. This time, I didn’t hear any sign of worry; because finally there’s nothing but gratitude and joy in her voice. 

I kept walking towards the water. One foot in front of the other. Next thing I knew, I was already on the raft. We paddled our way through the rapids. This is it. No turning back.There was tightness in my chest. Heart was racing faster than it should have. I couldn’t catch my breath. Locked your feet! Paddle forward! 1, 2, stop. Bugsay! We surpassed the first rapid, and there was peace. 

On the river that divides Bukidnon and Cagayan de Oro, I was left in awe by discovering the beauty that is Mindanao.

I didn’t fall nor did I die. 

I lived. 

Exactly how I felt throughout this trip. 

Love,

M

[marahismalaya]

Facing Fears in Boracay

There’s a saying that goes: 

“If you can’t beat fear, do it scared.”

This sums up Boracay for me.

Honestly, Boracay like La Union, was not a part of my itinerary. I just wanted to go somewhere in Visayas and I couldn’t decide which place to visit until one of my best friends sold Boracay to me. For someone who loves going off the beaten path, Boracay is never a dream destination. I avoided it for two reasons: 1.) its recent bad press; and  2.) the crowd. 

But my love for spontaneity brought me here, and just like La Union, I’m glad it did. 

An unfathomable joy enveloped my whole being. I felt like a kid, so careless and free, as I basked in the sun and the beauty that surrounded me. I felt so alive. This feeling came as a surprise, like a love that grew from somewhere unexpected. You see, crowd is my main anxiety trigger; thus Boracay was never in my dream destinations' list. But as soon as I stepped on the famous Boracay white sand, everything has changed. Who would've thought that the island I was first reluctant to set foot in, is where I could find the gift of bliss I have long prayed for? The universe indeed knows how to plot surprises.

But Boracay is where I also found myself scared. Scared because here is where I have faced most of my greatest fears: the crowd, the deep water, and the thought of falling.

On our second day, I was told by my best friend that we’re going to parasail after I just had woken up from a nap. My eyes widened and my heart raced faster than it should have. It was my idea to do it initially, but after hearing her first parasailing experience, I thought of my life. I started to make excuses, but she said it was finally set. So I had no choice but to go. 

My anxiety level was high as we walked to meet the people who would bring us to the boat. My stomach was rumbling like it would explode anytime. I wanted to run away and hide in the toilet! But as soon as we got into the boat, my anxiety was replaced by calmness. And next thing I knew, I was hanging in the air, singing A Whole New World with my best friend, while savouring the beauty that is Boracay. We’re both scared, but we did it anyway. Andit was another moment alive indeed.

We had helmet diving the following morning. Although it has always been my dream to see the world under water, I was actually more anxious about this one. I was scared with the thought of my helmet triggering my claustrophobia and being not able to breathe well. Also,I can't swim to save my life! But I guess, nature (or perhaps God) has a way of comforting a troubled heart. As soon as I got into the water, my eyes were filled with wonder. I was just a bit saddened by the fact that most corals were already dead and there were not a lot of fishes around. Nonetheless, it was still an experience. A first for me! While my eyes revelled in the beauty of the underwater world and my bare feet touched the ocean floor, I was reminded that this world is beautiful regardless of its flaws. And the world is too big, and that it has so much to offer, and so do our lives. So let's not take for granted the chance that's given to us to live a life we will remember.

The adrenaline rush after overcoming a fear greeted me as I got up to our boat. And I have to say, it was addicting. I wanted more. I wanted to jump off the boat and just swim freely, but of course, that would be too reckless for a non-swimmer like me. So I just settled for a swim by the shore alone and challenge myself to go as deep as my tiny body could afford. It’s just me, the sea, and God. 

And there was bliss.

Nelson Mandela was right: “Courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it.”  Of course, I wouldn’t be able to do all these things alone. My best friend’s presence and her innate ability to encourage people were integral to this amazing trip. And for that, I'm grateful. 

And on our last night, we rewarded ourselves with some Chori Burger, which was another highlight of this trip. IT WAS TOO DAMN GOOD. 

Boracay made me realise that I am not invincible, that I still have so many fears despite everything I went through in life; but Boracay also reminded me that I am capable to rise above my adversity. That even though I can’t beat fear, I can do it scared.

Love,

M

[marahismalaya]

#STORIESBYMARAH: Ben&Ben

I don’t know where to begin. This band has pretty much saved my life. For some strange reason, Ben&Ben has a song for every season of my life—from the moment I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorder, to when I had my heart broken, to the moment I was grieving from a loss of a loved one, and to the time I have found hope and healing again in my life. Heck, even right now that I’m starting to open up my heart again.

 It seems like Ben&Ben always know what I’m going through, and each song they produced is like a song written for me. Their music is like a friend who always seems to know the right words to say, the one who understands more than judge. So to finally see them performed live was truly a dream come true. An experience. It’s a contender to one of best nights of my life. I just felt so genuinely happy, free and alive. And after a long day, just like what a true friend does, each of their song has comforted me and embraced me to make me realise that life is still beautiful regardless of its flaws.

In an interview Ben&Ben was asked about their song writing process, and Miguel and Paolo answered: “It starts with experiencing life in all of its joys and heartbreaks. Mabuhay ka, masaktan ka, umibig ka.” And that spoke to me. And maybe that’s what I want to leave here as well. Often times, we’re scared of many things life offer: love, dream, and even life itself. We’re so scared that sometimes we miss to experience the beauty of it, but life is here to be lived. So I hope you find the courage to allow yourself to embrace everything life has to offer: the joy, the pain and everything in between. Live. Just live.

Love,

M

[marahismalaya]

I left my heart in Elyu

I was still in grade school when I first visited La Union. La Union or Elyu as others fondly call it is a province in Northern Philippines.It's an 8-hour bus ride from Bataan, but if you're lucky, 7. My only memory of it was me, a kid, standing in front of my auntie’s beachfront office while revelling in the sight of the big waves as it kissed the shore and the beauty of the sunset as it reflected on the water.It’s been more than a decade since. 

I couldn’t tell if there have been drastic changes that unfolded here in the last ten years, but I’m certain for one thing: there were a lot of big changes that happened in me. I am no longer a kid, I grew up an inch or two, and I went through a lot of growing up, at some point, I was forced to grow up faster than I should have, I migrated to New Zealand,became a working student, got my diploma, fell in love, got my heart broken, I lost my auntie, went through one misadventure after the other, then eventually learned to come back stronger. 

La Union wasn’t actually a part of my itinerary in the Philippines, but there’s something about it that calls me. The calling was too strong that I had to drop Sagada .My feet were itching to go here for some strange reason. Perhaps, it’s the excitement of revisiting a place from my childhood. Or it's the chance to feel closer to a late loved one for one more time.I don't know. It seemed like there's something for me to discover. Something I need to know, and La Union is the only place where I could find it.And I’m just glad I trusted my gut.

Honestly, it wasn’t the best trip I’ve had. This was meant to be a quick getaway from all our responsibilities, but they have their way of haunting us. We ended up on our phones to deal with them unfortunately.One emergency call to another. Nothing was going right in our respective lives, which gave us the reason not to enjoy this trip. But to my surprise, the complete opposite happened: I fell in love with Elyu.I left my heart here 

It’s not the kind of love that captured my heart at first sight, but it’s the kind of love that was patient. A gradual process of learning to embrace the good and the bad, and before I knew, it had turned into love. Accepting every imperfection with open arms, and being grateful for every small detail that made this trip worth remembering: the good food, the free-spirited locals, the grace in my heart, the calmness of the sea, and a good company. 

This province was named La Union for a reason. It means the union or coming together. And in this place is where I have completely united all my troubles and hopes in my heart, and learned to make peace with both. And there, there I have fully experienced what true freedom meant.Something I haven't encountered from my previous travels. Although there were a lot of noises in my head, La Union was the inner peace I’ve found in the midst of the storm that gave me a sense of comfort that everything...everything is going to be okay. 

And maybe, that's what I am meant to find.

Love,

M

[marahismalaya]

I have an obsession with moon, with waning crescent moon in particular. Today, I stumbled upon its meaning and the internet said: 

“Recuperate and rest. It is okay to feel empty sometimes.”  

How timely, because that sums up what I have been feeling for the past three weeks. Empty. Feeling everything and nothing all at once. I have been trying hard to fill that void, and honestly, it’s been exhausting. However today I was also reminded that “just like the moon, sometimes we MUST go through phases of emptiness to feel full again.”

It feels so strange writing about sadness and vulnerability. I’m not used to it anymore--is that something I should be happy about? because I couldn’t remember the last time I did. But this, this is good. Perhaps, I just needed to be reminded that life is not perfect and it will never be. And that’s okay. Maybe I’m not really meant to fill the empty space, because I’m meant to embrace it. Wholeheartedly. 

Love M

[marahismalaya]

TWO SECONDS

I saw him. I saw them. The people who have hurt me in one table. I saw them again. For two seconds. 

I wanted to avoid them at first, but in my head I thought: “What for? It’s been years.” So I stood up from where I was sitting and just carried on, careless if they would take notice of me or not. One foot in front of the other. And the more I stepped forward, the more I realised how much I have come far from the hurt person I was before. To my surprise, there was nothing but gratefulness in my heart. Yes, nothing but gratitude. Finally. 

On the same night, I was telling my best friend that if there’s one thing I’d tell him or them that would be: thank you. I would thank him for breaking my heart, because I needed that pain in order to grow. I would thank him for letting me go, because I needed that time and freedom to work on myself. In a span of two seconds, everything made sense why I went through what I went through--the heartbreak, the rejection and betrayal. Indeed, everything happens for a reason.

Sometimes life has its own way of moulding us to become the person we’re meant to be, and more often than not it’s painful and difficult beyond words. But sometimes you just have to trust the process. Trust that ALL THINGS WORK FOR GOOD. I swear within those two seconds, I have seen how God worked on my life in the past two years. And I am just grateful. So grateful for everything.

So trust your hurt, trust your struggles, and trust that everything will make sense in its own time. 

Love, Marah 

[marahismalaya]

This Time Last Year 

After I went through a break-up, I have decided to fly to Nelson with no plans in mind. No to-do-list to check and itinerary to follow. As in NOTHING. I just flew because I wanted to getaway from everything.To clear my head, and hopefully to find signs from heaven. I have reached Nelson at almost 1pm. The receptionist at the hostel handed me a map. Since I had nothing planned, I didn’t know where to go. But somehow my feet brought me to the Centre of New Zealand. It was a twenty-minute walk from where I was staying and half-an-hour uphill hike from the base. I am terrible at climbing. So I reached the base, and no one was there. It’s just me, my cross-body bag and a journal on my hand. I was alone. I could’ve encountered an accident and died there, and no one would know. I was scared, but I have tried to overcome my fears by having a conversation with God. Each step I took was equivalent to a prayer. I told Him everything my heart wanted to scream to the world. Everything—all my pain, questions, fears and prayers. One foot in front of the other, and next I knew I was half way through my climb. And that’s when I decided to “take five”. And before I carried on to my climb, I saw this pile of tree trunks and a mark written on one of them that read: “Love Thy Self”. Coincidence? I don’t think so. That was it. I knew in my heart that it was the sign I've been praying for. I could’ve spent my day somewhere else, but fate brought me in that mountain for a reason. I was overwhelmed. I was smiling. I wanted to cry. It was mixed emotions, but I was certain for one thing: I wasn’t alone from the very beginning of this trip. God was there and has always been there for me. And as I type this, I was just reminded by Isaiah 41:10: “Do not fear, for I am with you.”

I AM WITH YOU.

Wow. Grabe si Lord, no? I am not trying to be preachy here nor I consider myself religious. Dahil hindi naman talaga. Hindi nga ako nagsisimba eh. Pero tsong, ibang klase si Lord magparamdam. Solid. Mismo. Kaya kung pakiramdam mo mag-isa ka. Hindi ka mag-isa, tsong! At never kang mag-iisa. Kasama mo Siya. Palagi. Minsan hinihintay ka lang Niya na tawagin mo Siya.

Love, M

[marahismalaya]

This time last year, I surrendered my heart to God. And it was the best decision I have made in the midst of brokenness. A year has passed when I asked in prayer: “If I have to lose him, so I could see YOU in my life again, so be it. SO BE IT.” And God answered. I lost the man I thought I would marry one day, but I reconnected with Him. 

If God was my greatest gain in losing him, then I wouldn’t want to change a thing about the past. It was all worth it. A year has passed and it started to make more sense why some chapters in our lives had to end. Albeit painful, God made me realise the beauty in letting go and letting Him takeover. I’m where I’m supposed to be now, and I know he is too. 

It’s been a year of walking with You, Lord! Thank You for everything that You are, and ultimately, thank You for keeping my heart safe the last year. Take care of my heart until the man of my prayers ask for it from You. There were days I couldn’t wait to meet him, but I know You have made everything beautiful in Your own time. So if I have to wait longer, so be it. SO BE IT. Your time and will, not mine.❤️ 

[marahismalaya]

One Step At A Time

Guess what, mga beshiecakes! Your girl just got home from her first job interview after getting cleared from counselling! Wohoo! 

It’s funny how fate works. I decided to withdraw from this interview last month, because I had to fly back to the Philippines for Mame’s wake. Although it’s a wonderful opportunity, of course I had to be with Mame. I thought maybe it’s not for me and God had better plans in mind. But while I was in the Philippines, I received an email from the company asking if I’m still keen to do the interview when I get back HUHU They waited for me, and today I caught up with them! I think it went well, but regardless of the outcome, I’m already proud of myself for taking this huge step! 

After going through the most life-changing events the past months—battling depression, panic attacks, and a loved one’s death—I couldn’t be any happier to see myself rising above my own adversities! But of course, everything becomes possible because of His grace!

I leave the result up to God. If this is His will, then I’d be happy to embrace it. And if not, He sure does have better plans for my life! We just gotta keep the faith!

Tuloy ang laban, mga beshies!! M

[marahismalaya]

Life Update: Winning & Losing

I have been terribly failing at the aspect of self-love lately; and that also means failing at other aspects of my life. You know when the self-love tank isn’t enough, it actually does a domino effect where everything seems to fall apart. Well, that’s life in a nutshell.

I have been battling with sadness and emotional overeating since Mame died, but a part of me wants to overcome this setback so badly. Half of me is trying to convince myself that this is normal and this, like any storm, shall pass. Perhaps, I am allowed to experience depression all over again. I mean, how could someone cope with two losses in a year?

How?

There are days where I would wake up feeling empty and clueless about where my life is heading. Days where I would sulk in my own loneliness and let vulnerability envelope my skin. But there are also days like today, where I would force myself to get off bed earlier than usual, say yes to a film about self-love first thing in the morning and make myself a smoothie bowl.  

I guess, I’m still figuring out grief and all its facets. Perhaps, this is what grief is about--winning and losing. No in betweens. You just have to embrace both.

I hope all is well on your end,

M