Mark Meets Personal @markmeetspersonal-blog - Tumblr Blog

self

the past 4 weeks have been quite the journey for me, I mean, it was the usual.. pondering, making decisions, more discovery to self, and each time I'm given the time to do and experience these things, I slowly start to find myself, who am I, what I am, what I need, all these wonders. Through these experiences, I'm able to decide for myself, I'm able to build my independence and build my individuality.

these past 4 weeks, a recurring thought that has been the center of my thoughts for quite some time was somewhat.. answered. I was able to find an answer, but not a definite one. I tell myself one thing, but I think the other. I don't want to end up lying to myself and paying the consequences, so I'll give it time.

#self

light some ganja, play those beats. Whip out the MPC 500, and finish with some City and Colour.

#personal #conversation

- .. but before anything else, the feeling was nice while it lasted. Back to the drawing board to sort things out again. I definitely need to free myself more, goodness Mark.

#personal

- well, fuck, here we go again. Bad timing, oy, very bad timing. Back to "The Philosophy Book" to get my mind off things.

- this conversation was different. Never thought I would have the urge to cry, I mean, it's third period, physical education, I'm seated comfortably on the bleachers with a friend who too is injured, and I have the urge to cry? In gym class? Weird, but with good intentions.

"We knew each other since grade 3. We became bestfriends in grade 9. She messaged me and we became closer, I guess."

"What happened to her anyway?"

"Too much shit was going on for her. Her boyfriend was treating her like shit. Her parents were treating her like shit. She would work her ass off and even with an average above 80 her parents would still get mad at her for not being smarter. I was there for her, she was there for me. I understood what she was going through and she was the greatest friend for me. Her and I started to become closer and closer and we eventually liked each other a lot. Bestfriends and lovers. She even broke up with her boyfriend so that she could give us a chance. She messaged me one day on nexopia but I didn't answer it because I had to leave. I would answer it later when I got back home. I wish I never did that because if I did, this wouldn't have happened. When I got home, my friend _______ phoned me and asked me if I was friends with _______ and I said yeah. He told me she had hung herself. I thought he was joking. I checked the messaged she sent me and it said 'I really need to talk to you right'. I went to her nexopia page and checked her comments. They were all r.i.p comments. I couldn't believe this was happening. I went outside to take a breather. I was walking down my steps and after the fifth step I broke down, crying. I could have at least made her live a little longer. I lost my bestfriend. I liked her so much. She left a suicide note and she also left a note for me. It said " To:_______ thank you for being there for me. Thank you for being such a good friend. I hope that you have a great life. Don't follow my path. I love you so much".

"It's been three years hey?"

"yeah, since 2008. September 21 2008. I liked her so much. I already lost my mom, and I lost her."

He was faced slightly sideways but enough so that I could see both his eyes but he wasn't looking directly at me, instead, his eyes wandered into the distance. I looked into his eyes and I've never seen so much hurt in someone's eyes.. ever. He really misses her.

#personal #close friend #I'm here for you man

- I dislike being glued to a position where I start wishing that reality's just a dream and that a dream should become reality. It just goes to show that not everything can go your way. Reality and dreams are separated for a reason, reasons that I sometimes do not approve of, but sadly cannot do anything about. It is what it is.

some things are better left unsaid

- A bittersweet quote that's up for debate.

#relevant

- I just have so much to say that cannot be written down, but instead, need to be expressed verbally. I feel as if writing won't do me as much good as it usual does at a time like this. I kinda just want a select few to converse with.

- there are some days where I feel like crying, you know, releasing all my frustration through tiny droplets. Though it's not "manly", I think it's healthy to cry once in a while, I mean, it sure won't solve anything but personally, I think it makes a person feel better. Frustration has the potential to hit the core hard sometimes and during that time, crying is inevitable. To be honest, I feel as if I should take a moment within this week to just cry to the world, not heavy tears but light tears.

- You had me believe that you deserved a second chance, I mean, who doesn't deserve a second chance.. right? Well, so I thought. How could you do this to him? You go around telling people bullshit and making him look like the asshole when in reality, you fucked up. I thought you trusted me, and I thought I trusted you but fuck, you lied to my face. Do you know the consequence he's paying right now for YOUR actions? Not to be rude, but he doesn't deserve this right now. You've put my homie in a difficult position. Because of you, he has to go through this bullshit. Fuck you, honestly, fuck you. I thought I could trust you and he thought he could trust you. I'm here to help you, not take sides.

#fuck you

kinda heart-broken, but it's great

- Well, another lesson learned. Sometimes the answer lies directly perfect in your line of vision but we're too blind to realize it.. only when it's too late, we realize. This evening, I received a honest answer/thought that made me feel kinda horrible but great in a way. Though my expectations weren't high, it was natural to feel hurt. I'm just happy that I was able to say everything before it was too late.

- I dislike it when I can't explain a feeling well enough. Some feelings are too indescribable especially in the position I'm in.

- holy shit, thank goodness for a personal blog.

- I guess I can finally understand what you had to go through at the time, I mean, here I am probably feeling the exact same as you felt when you too was tied down to such a dilemma.

- who knew one of the greatest feelings in the world can also be the worst. It sucks being in this position. I have no direction and I have no plan. I'm a hopeless, lost, individual who is in fact creating a deeper hole for himself. Time's limited. I'm dying here. What do I do?

#that's hurt

Dear ____,

hey kiddo, how you holding up? When I found out that you were rushed to the hospital, my heart dropped. I heard your sickness was like no other, rare in fact.. that deepened the pang. Out of all the people, you? Doctors at the moment can't find a cure, low on blood, scratches on your lungs, bearing all this news is horrible no doubt but goodness, look at you. You have your family by your side, no doubt your friends, myself and most importantly God. You're staying as positive as you can and knowing that it's hard to stay positive, good on you kid, good on you for remaining strong. Keep fighting, you'll be better in no time. God will heal you, He will watch over you, He loves you. God knows best so hang in there. We're praying for you kiddo, we're praying for you.

#personal

- I see you as a brand new woman. A woman who.. a woman who finally breached through her bubble. A woman who took the risk to pain herself. A woman who loved. A woman who learned to fend and fight for herself when all odds were against her. She's a strong woman. She's learned plenty throughout the past three years of her life and I just want to give you recognition for doing so. You've been through a lot, but hell, you turned out to be even more beautiful than you already were from the start, friend.

#personal #close friend

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