MY EXPERIENCE WITH GRIEF AND DEATH
I believe that knowing someone else's side of the story can be pretty relieving.
I had four grandparents (now three) my most favourite grandma died about seven years ago but it doesn't mean it is any easier. The day she died I knew I should cry my heart out so that everyone around me knows just how upset I am. In so-called modern, conservative families, like mine and many Indian teens nowadays, Talking about grief is not common so as soon as the rituals ended that terrible September ( F.Y.I in India these rituals last around for about 15 days) everyone started referring to her memories as happy memories only, but there is a painful memory left unsaid about and unsaid feelings can lead to harmful consequences. My story is however somewhat different from the harmful consequences part, but more or less the same. I always had my seven first cousins to talk to who felt mostly the same as me. Now on to the story.
I was around eight or nine when my grandma died it was never easy and it never did got any easy. Honestly speaking it never will get any easy for me. The date was 18th September 2015 my most important exams of the year had started and one or two exams had been completed and a whole bunch was left which were to be completed by end of the second last week of that September. My father and my maternal uncle got me home as soon the exam got finished that day and my parents never really told me the news so I was not sure that they had come to an understanding with the news. Moving on now that I look back I know they did not want me to know until it all got real. I live in different, neighbouring states as my pa's side of the family. About 300km away we rushed to depart from my house from about 11 a.m. Now we reached there at about seven in the evening. Remember I did not know what had happened yet. I reached there and it all got real. My grandma was dead. Now was the time to see how everyone else was doing. Everyone was more devastated than the other. No one really cried or my sister who was in standard seventh did not cry now I knew I had to deal with a lot of undealt emotions later on. Still pinches a nerve to write it all out. Looking back I think that It would be so good if she was here for at least some more years but on the other hand, it feels good that it happened while I was a kid. As long as I live I am never forgetting the memories I have associated with her as a child, festivals like Holi, Dussehra, and most importantly Chaath puja and enthusiasm and warrior spirit. After the completion of Chaath puja, I still go to the ghaat which is at our rooftop like an above ground swimming pool only much smaller, not movable and with a lesser height to touch the water and sing a secret song to her. It sounds so beautiful to say it out loud but it's just simply sad and awful.
Now in my family, only the eldest people do the fasting on Chaath puja and after my grandma, the responsibility to host went to my uncle and aunt which means my paternal uncle or my first cousins once removed. Due to health restrictions, my great aunt does the festival, just for your kind information.
It is the time I say how I fell about it now after about eight years of her death. Honestly speaking it is getting worse year after year but It will get better or I hope it gets better. You see everyone should know true love once in their lives and she was my as I have come to know my I remember her so much.
Now, I want to say whenever I feel lonely or sad in general I can always remember her and believe that she is out there somewhere.
Now for the newbies in the dead grandma club, it will get easier if you let it get easier do not stuff the grief away, just remember it is completely okay to feel sad or even devastated at more than two days a year. You can choose to feel that she is gone without a trace or you can choose to believe that you will reunite with her one day, however far away that reunion may be.
or if you just need a person to talk to about your mental health I am all in already. Follow me on Instagram at Marquessofbooks.
