jocko🪐 @marshmellowmadness926 - Tumblr Blog

please

oh my god

manacled in chronological order

i’m really dumb and was confused that people would be able to figure out the order to read manacled in and then i figured it out. this is for everyone who is as dumb as me, but also a helper for anyone who chooses to re-read manacled this way… @senlinyu

chapter 26 (flashback 1)

chapter 27 (flashback 2)

chapter 28 (flashback 3)

chapter 29 (flashback 4)

chapter 30 (flashback 5)

chapter 31 (flashback 6)

chapter 32 (flashback 7)

chapter 33 (flashback 8)

chapter 34 (flashback 9)

chapter 35 (flashback 10)

chapter 36 (flashback 11)

chapter 37 (flashback 12)

chapter 38 (flashback 13)

chapter 39 (flashback 14)

chapter 40 (flashback 15)

chapter 41 (flashback 16)

chapter 42 (flashback 17)

chapter 43 (flashback 18)

chapter 44 (flashback 19)

chapter 45 (flashback 20)

chapter 46 (flashback 21)

chapter 47 (flashback 22)

chapter 48 (flashback 23)

chapter 49 (flashback 24)

chapter 50 (flashback 25)

chapter 51 (flashback 26)

chapter 52 (flashback 27)

chapter 53 (flashback 28)

chapter 54 (flashback 29)

chapter 55 (flashback 30)

chapter 56 (flashback 31)

chapter 57 (flashback 32)

chapter 58 (flashback 33)

chapter 59 (flashback 34)

chapter 60 (flashback 35)

chapter 61 (flashback 36)

chapter 62 (flashback 37)

chapter 63 (flashback 38)

chapter 1

chapter 2

chapter 3

chapter 4

chapter 5

chapter 6

chapter 7

chapter 8

chapter 9

chapter 10

chapter 11

chapter 12

chapter 13

chapter 14

chapter 15

chapter 16

chapter 17

chapter 18

chapter 19

chapter 20

chapter 21

chapter 22

chapter 23

chapter 24

chapter 25

chapter 64

chapter 65

chapter 66

chapter 67

chapter 68

chapter 69

chapter 70

chapter 71

chapter 72

chapter 73

chapter 74

epilogue 1

epilogue 2

epilogue 3

senlinyu

Fun fact: I actually wrote Manacled so that it could be read in either chronological or published order. It was an intentional part of how I planned it. I initially was going to publish the story in three separate parts, so that readers could choose which order they wanted to read it in. Ultimately I decided against that because I was concerned it would be too confusing, and I didn’t want readers to invest in the flashback aspect of the relationship without being prepared for what was going to happen after the war.

However, the story is indeed written to be read interchangeably in either order, and I’m told that it is actually even sadder when read chronologically. I do recommend reading it in published order the first time, both because it lets the mystery unfold naturally, but also because Manacled is very dark and triggering and it’s better to cut and run within the first six chapters than to have invested in 38 chapters of Flashbacks and then discover that the second half of the story is too dark for you.

I’m being swallowed up whole.

From my feet to my neck I’m getting swallowed up. My head gasping for air as I quickly engulfed into a wave that thrashes me around. What happens when no one can save me, not even myself?

Do I find harmony and virtue like everyone speaks about? Will I finally have peace? What does peace feel like? A warm summer evening, a night out with friends, making cookies with my family, what is this peace everyone is talking about!

Is peace knowing your cat doesn’t pee outside the litter box anymore, or maybe peace is in the barista who put a heart by your name, maybe it was the face you hit every green light on your drive home?

What is your peace? What is our peace? Will we ever find it?

Hunting, yearning and scavenging for peace feels counterintuitive. Feels like rain with heavy winds, winds to fast and heavy you get swept up in them, while feeling the beating droplets on your face you can’t breath, the wind stole your breath and you cannot have it back. It feels like choking, the first time you were ever choked in that room with those eyes. The eyes on you made you want to rip your skin off, pealing at the hand around your neck begging for breaths, begging to be freed to world you don’t desire.

But why, what brings you back, is something supposed to?

Please know that it hurts. I wish I could truly articulate what I mean. Like the tight chest feeling when you’re swallowing not just your pride, but your feelings, your tears, you. Swallowing down and hiding you doesn’t allow you to be who you truly want to be. But instead you make yourself suffer don’t you? They always do that. Blame the host verse the virus. How can I not want to fight when everyone is telling me it’s my fault, I want to make sure you meet your maker when I’m done with you.

I truly feel lost and spiraling but what can you do

I have to admit, every year I play a game with everyone in my life, & they don’t know this.

It happens the same time every year. If you haven’t guessed it yet - I’m talking about my birthday.

Birthdays growing up were never really fun due to the stress of my bio parents. That being said I’ve never liked celebrating my birthday due to mental health issues, and the strange relationship I’ve had with it.

As I aged I’d get a card or maybe a gift, but after a while especially with everyone around me it just didn’t feel special. So it never was.

I still struggle with this as an adult bc now I want to be celebrated more, yet I feel I’m not worthy and that’s a whole other can of worms.

This game I play is something I’m curious if anyone else does with those who are “loved ones” in their life.

“Who remembers my birthday?”

This is a favorite of mine because it makes me sad really fast. And it truly is my birthday and I will cry if I want to. And I will. Usually my BIO parents & people who get messages on my old Facebook I don’t use. But who in my day to day life wishes me one, and when do they wish it to me? do they not realize right away? Or do they forget completely?

Sometimes I hide my birthday from people bc I feel like it’s a trust thing to know that, recently I’ve been playing the game differently.

This year I decided to talk about my birthday MONTHS before it’s happened, and now we play the waiting game.

I’m curious who will remember and what will be said, not expecting gifts or anything at all.

If anyone would ask me what I wanted for my birthday?

I’d say I’d want to spend time with those who love me and i love them,

But if you asked me what I’d wish for on my birthday?

I’d have to say….

to feel seen, I’ve felt so isolated and alone my entire life, these years feels like im drowning, drowning in the ocean but everyone keeps telling me to tread when they have room to save me-but choose not to.

I’d wish to be saved, for once someone pick me and choose to be with me and love me, I know everyone is going to posts memes of this, I just really do. Once in my life to be chosen, to be saved, to be seen, and to beheld. I can’t help but look at the movies and yearn for that kind of love, I know it’s not all healthy & that’s why I’m in therapy so I can love and give my heart out to people like I want to without… hurt? Fear? I don’t know yet,