m. palanca

Sometimes Life is an asshole. That's when you decide to show it what you're capable of. I'll do my best to explain. I'll fight you and love you. All in one go. -m.pala

[martinnepalanca]

It's nice when someone asks you, "How was your day?" Especially when the question doesn't come from your parent or sibling. Or from the barista who takes your usual order. When it comes from the person whose day you're most interested in. I know I haven't been asked that question, in that context in some time. It's upsetting and painful. It's makes me crave for something more.

[martinnepalanca]

1:25 am

When it's 1:25 am, and you wish you could just roll over and press your body onto that person. Hear them breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. And breathe out. Match your breathing to theirs. Feel warm and comfortable. At ease. But it's 1:27 am and instead, you're scrolling through Instagram, Facebook, Tumblr. Letting your thumb flick up. Double tap. Swipe right.

[lordofdubai-deactivated20211205]

[martinnepalanca]

Afraid To Make Noise

If someone asked me to be honest about my feelings, 80% of the time, I am 100% unsure of how to articulate, explain, and/or even feel those feelings. A lot of the time, I feel as if my feelings are unjustified, debatable, uncalled for, and even sometimes, not my own.

In the last few years, I’ve begun to realise that I find it difficult to feel the feelings and am afraid to make any noise. 

Even as I type this post and try to flush out my thoughts, into a coherent piece, I find myself editing and revising my own thoughts and ideas. Not in the usual sense, when someone writes, and they breathe out a sentence and later go back to correct a typo, or replace words to better let an idea come across on text. No. This post even has me questioning, if what I have to say is something that’s worth typing.  

Let me start with how this whole reflection came to be. 

I recently rejoined Facebook, after almost a 5 year hiatus. Why did I take the break? Why did I come back? Well, I took a break because it made sense. I was in school and working 40+ hour weeks, and I didn’t think it was the best use of my free time. And I figured, if my friends and family wanted to keep in touch, they knew how to reach me. It made sense. Now, coming back to Facebook was entirely for the purpose of online dating. And apparently, Facebook is the only way to be verified as a real human being. 

After letting one of my sisters know that I was back on FB, she decided to creep my profile and have a read through. Her comment, was that 2010 Martinne, was very emo. When she said it, I didn’t think it was completely true, but I also knew where she was coming from. Everything I did, thought, “felt”, and dreamt was posted for people to like or comment on. And I remember, even those “Martinne is feeling...” posts where so edited and filtered, they weren’t my feelings. I was posting it because it was something to do, it was to get that reaction. 

Reading through those statuses and messages, brings me to this state of feeling so unsure. And it’s not just in that moment when I’m reading it, but almost constantly that I feel like my feelings, my thoughts, my ideas, are unjustified, debatable, uncalled for, and even sometimes, not my own. I’ve just done a better job in the last 5 years of not having to share my feelings. 

Having three older sisters who are such powerhouses in their own right, along with parents who had such strict rules on how to be, really restricted my ability to feel my own feelings and sometimes, even speak up when I know I’m right, or have a better solution. 

It’s difficult to express the emotion or the feeling you have towards something or the state you’re in, when there are four, maybe five other peoples’ opinions and thoughts running through your own head. If I think I’m mad about something that happened, I immediately start this dialogue, which echoes the voices of my sisters and how they would react, from one extreme to another. And how they would feel. If I’m in some kind of disagreement with one out of the three, right away, I can already imagine and play out the conversation that the other two will have with me or to me, about how that one sister is feeling, and how I should see it differently or understand it. Even justify how that sister is feeling. And it makes me question the validity of my own thoughts and feelings. Instead of feeling something genuine, I feel right away like I’m echoing what they’re feeling, because, my first instinct isn’t to acknowledge my own feelings, but instead, agree with how someone else is feeling. 

When you ask me how I feel towards something, and I say I don’t know, it really means I don’t know. I’ve prepared both sides of the argument, and not because I feel one way or another. But because I am waiting for you to tell me how you feel, so I know how I feel. I know it’s not the best way to go about life. And someone out there, is going to call it pack mentality and unoriginal. But right now, I couldn’t care less. It’s taken me almost 25 years to even realise that I don’t know how to feel those feelings. Maybe in a few years, I will. 

So when I say, I feel like my feelings, my thoughts, my ideas, are unjustified, debatable, uncalled for and even sometimes, not my own, let me tell you, how big of a deal it is that I can even acknowledge how true and real that statement is. 

[martinnepalanca]

You forgive a lot when you think you're in love

[martinnepalanca]

Leading Up To 25

Why has becoming an adult been such a hard thing to do? When in your early stages of adulthood, do you really feel like, "Oh yes, I am an adult!"? I'm approaching that half way point and it doesn't feel like I've got the reigns on this whole situation.

[elesq]

6.19.15 - journal “Our heads are round so thought can change direction” - Allen Ginsberg One before work.

[intensefoodcravings]

Julia Child’s Potato Dauphinois Gratin | RecipeTin Eats

[martinnepalanca]

Let me try diiiiis

[intensefoodcravings]

Matcha Eclairs | Erin Made This

[foodiebliss]

Very Useful Cheat Sheets Everyone Should Have:

Making Super Easy Marinades

Bigger chart here.

Baking Conversions

Chart right here.

Slow Cooker Conversions

Chart right here.

How To Store Food

More information right here

Healthy Last Minute Dinner Ideas

Source: Women’s Health

Wine And Food Pairing

More information here

Ideal Cup Of Espresso

Bigger image here

Veggies Cooking Cheat Sheet

Source: KidSpot

DIY Spice Blends

Clearer image here

How To Boil Eggs

More information here

[martinnepalanca]

Those eggs thooooooooooooo

[foodiebliss]

21 Cookies You Need To Make For The Holidays Source: Buzzfeed

Don’t get your tinsel in a tangle, Come in from the cold and, Visit Foodie Bliss, For the delights of Christmas and winter.

[slopeslopeslope]

[martinnepalanca]

Pet Peeves

Does it ever feel like there are days when there’s just that one person that manages to embody/posses all of your pet peeves? 

I’m never sure if the things I classify as pet peeves or annoyances are just things that I don’t like in people and have no real justification to be classified as such, and/or I’m just being suuuuuper picky. It makes me wonder how I tolerate people and have “friends” or how people tolerate me, for being so particular.

I feel like a lot of my pet peeves are things that my parents told me not to do or do while growing up. Things like, closing your mouth while you eat and not smacking your food, showing up to places on time (if not at least 10 minutes early), arranging yourself in a single file line when in a group and walking on a sidewalk, or using your indoor voice when speaking. 

Who knows, maybe I’m just picky as fuck and my expectations of others are just way up there. 

[quotethat]

You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.

Friedrich Nietzsche (via quotethat)

[martinnepalanca]

When you let your best friend know the serious truth that you just learned. Not about yourself, but the person you call your father.

[martinnepalanca]

Building furniture has always made me super happy. Just using my hands to create something is always a good time.

[martinnepalanca]

Why my hand looks robotic and my nails like they're fake, I have no idea.