I feel a real internal battle between all of my selves right now and it’s truly making me unable to make key decisions in my life to move myself forward. If I’m being honest about my passions, it has always been clear to me that what I really am interested in and care about is academia and scholarship-- and pursuing a PhD has always been a very real interest of mine. I took steps in undergrad to prepare myself for that path, pursuing (and receiving) fellowships in undergrad to do research, and in general, concerning myself with my academic record and performance in a way that would position me as a competitive PhD applicant and ultimately, a compelling candidate for the professoriate. But, three years deep into the “real world,” I am more than ever concerned about the practicality of this pursuit-- and to be honest, I have always been concerned about the practicality of it, but I think that being an undergraduate, with my only mentors and experiences so steeped in academia it’s easy to delude yourself into thinking that you’ll actually be part of the 2% of Humanities/Social Sciences PhDs who secure tenure track positions.
For the better part of the past three years I have been working in the hospitality industry, specifically in for a fine dining restaurant group in New York as a Private Event sales manager. I also dabbled in business strategy and marketing. Ironically, marxist theory provided me with an acute understanding of business strategy, of how to be an exceptional employee (namely, not allowing myself to delude myself about whether my employer I worked for saw me as a human, and knowing that it was paramount that I quantify my work and worth to my team in revenue; in other words to not think of myself as a person but as a generator of profits) and I got promoted quickly and rewarded with an okay salary (not much by any means but more than I thought I was capable of making as a recent graduate. Despite being good at my job, I found it draining and infuriating. It can best be described as sucking the general public’s dick until they give you money. Honestly, if I actually WAS sucking dick it may have been more gratifying. At least as a sex worker, you have autonomy to enforce personal boundaries. I’m not an extrovert, but I can “turn it on” when I need to and understand that private event sales involves a high amount of client facing time. What I did enjoy about my job were some of the creative projects I managed and the instances in which I was allowed to own projects from start to finish. I realized I derive sincere pleasure out of completion-- this may feed a sick need of mine to feel productive, but let’s just say I’m not really a meetings person and I’m more task oriented. I hate talking about shit we’re going to do. I rather go do it. But, I’m self aware enough to know that the world runs on emotional labor-- so a lot of talking about shit was done.
One day one of my clients ended up offering me a job in higher ed, and I jumped at the chance of being back in an academic environment, even if it was in a more periphery role. I was hired to head up strategy for Alumni Relations at an art and design college in Brooklyn. Recently, I’ve realized though, that I have an acute need for using my brain in an analytical way-- and this just isn’t happening in my current position. I’m not where I want to be and I know I need to start taking steps to get to where I want to be, but I’m too practical and risk adverse to throw myself into a PhD program at this point in my life. I seem to be almost waiting for a sign from the universe that I should, despite all advice to the contrast, actually pursue this “passion” and since it’s “meant to be”. On the other hand, I know the very real danger of thinking this way-- and I’m unsurprisingly unwilling to risk living below the poverty line with no job prospects to pursue a “passion”. Who the fuck cares about what I’m passionate about?
And so after flip flopping numerous times I’m coming to this point where I am realizing I need to make a decision and I need to make it sooner than later, to stick to a career path and start climbing whatever ladder it is I choose-- because the frequent switches are not getting me anywhere, and I’m smarter than this. I’ve been contemplating law school as a happy middle ground where I can pursue a higher degree, study something that is intellectually stimulating and applicable to my original academic interest, but that has a practical application and a job market that is less abysmal (albeit, not a fantastic one). But, at the same time-- am I cut out for a world of more dick sucking? No one sucks more dicks than attorneys. That’s an indisputable fact.
I’m fuckin tired-- I’m tired of having this debate in my mind, I’m tired of being a cliche twenty something who doesn’t have their shit together and also can’t get their shit together depsite having access to a plethora of resources and being a graduate of a “good school”.
I need a fire lit under my ass.
