A Personal Memoir

The thoughts I think, the words I write, the person I portray- this is the blog I boast. When one looks beyond the outer image, it's the individual's inner beauty that keeps the spark lit. So let me light your fire and read what gets mine goin'.

[marysunshinehacker]

Resilience

Bounce back Resilient

Knocked down Get back up again

Pushed to the side Back on track

Obstacle in my way Stay the course

Bad news Cry for a sec and keep it moving

Told no Find another way

Stop sign up Go around it

To be resilient, you keep it moving. To be resilient, you find roots and stay grounded. True to yourself

A wave crushes over and you get lost in the water, but resilience is what helps you find your breath again.

Knowing the bad doesn’t last long and what goes down can always come back up again.

You are your own light. Keep shining. Stay bright. Use the negativity as fuel to find your light.

[marysunshinehacker]

Clear Destiny

The sun shines on the morning sidewalk like daffodils blow in the wind. Effortless Owning it And doing what it was meant to do Shine. And go with the wind. Clear skies Open eyes The moon shines through the clouds like a spot light striking the stage for dancing dandelions.

[marysunshinehacker]

Pop Pop Pop

Pop pop pop Change of scenery From here to there to Where I need to be But how do I get there? The wheels go round and round More vivid when you are a Passerby on the Side of the road Slapped between the Sidewalk and The cars Whizzing passed Faster and faster Until we recognize This trip isn’t that bad. I’m with the one I love So whatever happens, it’s fine, Because he is by my side. Back tire goes flat As the clock ticks For Michael to go back To school On a Monday After Easter Sunday. Life on the road is a New world Filled with Everything you least expect.

[marysunshinehacker]

Morning Mirrors

Reflect on the reflections you see in the mirror...

This is what I have to do today: The list goes on and on As I brush my teeth And floss the thoughts out. I look into the mirror and tell myself, Swishing mouthwash around, I don’t want to worry in the morning About getting things done that I Haven’t even started yet; That’s a big task. So I splash water on my face, And my reflection tells me to: Stop thinking Start doing And keep living. I scrub Aveda face wash The soothing smells of their Selectively chosen scents Seeping into my pores. I remind myself that I’m washing my face. This is what I’m doing Right now And keep doing See what happens next. “Let your life lead the way And control it less,” Says my reflection in the mirror. And I look at myself One more time to say: “You can do it. Let’s go, Mary. You can do it.” So start doing And live right now.

[marysunshinehacker]

Reunion night out

Journal sentinel on my screen Words flash through My mind As it races back To last night. They are very selfish girls Who know how to Put on A good time So I thought I'd let go Of everything And enter into their warp Sucked in the lifestyle On the search for A Bars And more bars. White lines Different lives This is the part Where I'm supposed to die But I make it out alive Because I'm present In the moment In my mind Always aware of my body. It's during these times Life becomes so clear Because I let go of Everything I'm hanging on to Allowing time to take control And warming up to the open road With open arms To those I've driven by While saying goodbye And leaving that lifestyle behind. This is me at age 22 Celebrating a turn to 23 Now the news seems irrelevant to me Because I get it now. Reality.

[marysunshinehacker]

Flying Colors

The wind fills the city with color As a rainbow is dragged along By the tumbleweed of art. The air covers our bodies like a canvas Each individual standing out In their own beauty All different but together Making up the human race Like pieces of a Picasso face. I watch the tumbleweed roll by As I'm running after it Catching up with the busyness of life But always feeling like I'm falling behind. I stop to realize the beautiful colors This windstorm left me with. It's when I take that moment to recognize I'm truly human. And everyday matters. Not tomorrow, not yesterday, But right now. Because right now I just saw a Flying rainbow. And I'm running to fly with it.

[marysunshinehacker]

Dinner

The bill comes to the table And she opens it up Not being able to read It's a blur When you're two Martinis in Vodka on the rocks With a splash of water Twist of lemon And stuffed olives So she closes it shut And slides it away I open it up Grab her purse And take out the bills to pay for it all She tells me Oh honey you don't have to get it That's ok Grammy it's from your wallet I have officially stooped that low And it feels too low This battle is rough but I don't know how else to explain it When you ask me how's she's doin Do you see what I see? Or do you believe the game she plays Spend an entire day and a night Then you know Because this is real And it's a part of life But I'm finding it really hard to deal with So I closed the check book Sat patiently as she guzzled the rest of her drink And wrapped my arms around her and that red sweater Thank you Grammy For teaching me how to lifestyle.

[marysunshinehacker]

"Get Away From it All" DW 1/20

All that is, is being, but being is hard on its own. That being said it's the simplest of things yet on leaving, it's being no more. out the door being heads, towards the wild blue yonder, into nothing it bumps and with nothing it treads but the tread is left back by the door with inertia and friction and thought and what's more is that more was left with less way back there and that small hole they bored into being's very being- that abscess in organic tissue to see through, that prism-called-portal the doorway to sea, That border of all that could be here on land. Now the sails set as curiosity accompanies our crew with soaring skies and out from port we escape, out into the deep blue beyond blue, beyond light, with our crew of no me and no he and no you, all together we now get away from it all. - Robbie Love

[marysunshinehacker]

Relationships of the Modern Age

Social media Social suicide Stomping on our toes As the words leak through the screen What do they all mean? Social media Social anxiety Are you cheating on me? This wouldn't be a modern day relationship if social media wasn't some how involved Causing a ruckus For something that really doesn't matter It doesn't matter None of it matters Cus only you matter So stop this fight with me I'm on your team I feel like my social media is Suffocating But that's just me.

[marysunshinehacker]

Dinner and a Movie

The traditional date that will never become Outdated Italian with a true Sicilian and a Scott. This is a night with the girls and boy The three M's: Mary Mike and Mary. Molding the generation gap with a timeless tradition But nothing comes out planned. I have this idea of what exactly I want to do. And it all sounds great. But "Into the Woods" was sold out. "Is Inherent Vice Grammy appropriate?" The clerk laughs and says "if you want to see good acting and an ok story." We never understood the story. Through the sex, guns, and drugs, This was for sure an inappropriate film for geriatrics. But Alzheimer's has its bright side. She will never remember what that film was about She'll just always know she had a "grand time with Mary Catherine" "He's a nice young fellow you have." A date for three.

[marysunshinehacker]

Moving Out and Moving On

Heated as the snow freezes across my windshield. Tense as I press on the breaks. Relieved when I bump into a snow bank and not the car in front of me. Blessed to have a passerby push my car back to control. Parked. In front of the apartment I've been trying to avoid all winter. And now I'm finally getting out. The weather is just one barricade blocking me from freedom. But I, myself, am the only barrier to live a life without any.

[marysunshinehacker]

Nightmare 11.17.14

I was walking. Hiking. Around a house overlooking a cliff. A cliff as steep as the eye can see. Was there water below or just rocks? I made a plan if I fell. And then I took one more step.  My friend climbed higher than me on this lawn chair above. I was struggling finding my balance to sit on the lawn chair below her. By the time I got to the lawn chair, I was off balance and falling backwards with the unsteadiness and rocking of the chair. I told her to "hey hey grab it grab it grab the chair!" But it was too late.  I was falling falling and falling more. Imagining of what was to come. Will it hurt? Please let there be water. Will I make it out alive? I forced my arms upon my head to protect whatever I could of myself. Then boom. Everything went black. It was a strange out of body experience to be walking around town with Ekko by my side. He wouldn't leave. We are together forever. It was even weirder that some people could see me. I was a living ghost and I said what I wanted to say to my friends and family. I went back to the group that I was hiking with. They were a bunch of lakefront people. And they were glad to see me. And then we went to the shed aquarium where even the clerk could see me. He asked for my ID and told me Ekko was strictly not allowed to be at the aquarium. But he didn't do much to stop him. Some other people from the group was heading out so I hopped on a bus with them to my dad's. And we talked. A lot. He was crying when I saw him. He had a picture of the Cadillac he was going to get me. I could only imagine his thoughts. Of his little girl gone. I felt so horrible. To be so reckless and careless. To die because I fell. Leaving all of this behind. Letting my life go. I'm sorry. I wish I could retrace my steps and do it over again. I would not have tried to sit on that lawn chair. I just wanted a good view. I didn't mean to hurt you. I didn't know there wasn't water. And he hugged me. We hugged for a long time. I could feel him. We were one. I'm not sure how I ended up walking out of a building to find my lakefront crew by my side. But we sat on my ottoman overlooking the edge of another cliff, waiting. I wanted to grab my sweatshirt out of my purse because I could still feel temperature. So I dumped my things onto the ottoman. But slowly the ottoman started to separate and detach from the edge. It was the chair situation all over again. My Chapstick slipped off the stool and fell away. I grabbed what I could, frantically, watching my sweatshirt almost slip through the cracks when my friend told me to get over there. So I did. And I made it. Tears flew down my face. I couldn't take it anymore. I died because I fell. And here I am picking up the missing pieces. The last of them. Hoping they don't go too. I still had Ekko with me. And there was an elevator this time. The easy way out. I woke up. 

[marysunshinehacker]

To the mornings I wake up with a friend by my side, Thank you. And to the nights that leave me passed out on this couch, Til next time.

[marysunshinehacker]

Make Time to Stop Time

No noise, just silence. Cars buzz past. People jibber jabber nonsense On their phones. I'm left with that feeling of Loneliness Emptiness Nothingness Surrounded by everything Wishing I had it all But I'm slapped in the face by Bits & pieces Hitting me hard But I don't feel a thing. I keep moving forward. Pushing on Running faster & faster & soon the sounds catch up with me. Hitting like a wave Going off like a spaceship I'm left in the dust of my own destination & here I am trying to piece it all together When I need to be the one on that shuttle & fly away To not catch up with the sounds But be one with the present.

[marysunshinehacker]

My first documentary. Short, sweet, and damn good beer.

[marysunshinehacker]

812 forever, this is the house that transformed me and these are the people who I call home.

[marysunshinehacker]

Time Warped

Sometimes I wish I could just stop time, even for a minute. To hang on to what I have in front of me. To continue doing what I wanted to do. And to never have to say "There's not enough time."

We have all the time in the world to do anything and everything. It's how I manage my time, prioritize what is important, and get that done first that troubles me.

I'm one for the experience, the adventure, the connections I have with people...not my computer or my homework. But I have to remember that I am given these opportunities because I am here for school...and school is what needs to be my main focus.

Easier said than done but one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time, because I cannot stop time, so I have to just move along with it.