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+ BITTERSWEET POEMS +

[masoda]

White T-Shirt | POEM 7

To the guy in the white T-shirt

Who I’m curious about

Do u love me or was it just flirt

There’s so much I want to find out

I can’t see your face

I can’t hear your voice

But I fell in love in that maze

I guess I had no choice

The way u hugged me

All my worries flew away

The way u kissed me

My world stopped being grey

It hurts so much

My feelings were real

U got me with one touch

Is there a remedy so I can heal

I want to touch u more

Did we ever met before

I’m going crazy

Your shirt white like a daisy

Why in my dream

Why are u not real

Why can’t I have u

Why did u even appear

Why did u hug me

Why did u kiss me

Why

Why

Why

I want u so bad

[masoda]

POEM 14 | Lucifer

Your the devil himself

I’m addicted to your poison

I lost myself

In your sweet temptation

Your eyes are hypnotizing

Controlling my soul

Your voice is seductive

Stealing my body

My heart is in heaven

My mind in hell

I’m on cloud seven

Under a spell

So blind me with your lies

So heavenly and dreamy

So make me float to the skies

So i’ll fall for you…

…for eternity

[masoda]

Poem 13 | First born

I hate u mom

You say you love me

I hate you mom

You never belonged to me

I was a child too

Why did i have to act like an adult

I was hurt too

You should have acted like an adult

Why did I have to suffer

They were your decisions

Why did I need to be tougher

You asked me to protect them

But what about me

It’s always about them

What’s different in me

I’m tired

I’m hurt

I’m lonely

And again you need me

You repeat your mistakes

You didn’t believe me

My heart aches

You want me to protect her

But I did break

You want me to help her

But I’m still broken

Watching you care

Felt like a knife in my chest

It’s hard to bare

I’m trying my best

It’s unfair

I was your first

Are you not aware

You treat me the worst

Oldest doesn’t mean the strongest

I’m vulnerable

Oldest doesn’t mean the toughest

I’m breakable

I want to be protected too

I want to be loved too

I want to be cared about too

Because after all,

I am your daughter too.

[masoda]

Poem 12 | Accident

Trying to catch my breath

Tears falling down

Seeking out for death

Just on my own

A thousand thoughts in my mind

And a million questions

Here I am trying to find,

The answers in those lessons

I still can’t believe it

That it happened to me

Did I deserve it

Just let me be free

The pain follows me everywhere

Is a break too much to ask ?

Take me to anywhere,

Where I don’t have to carry this mask

The fake smile I wear

Everyday and every minute

To hide my fear

Slowly reaching my limit

My ache being invisible

Making people forget

I continue being miserable

This makes me upset

So I cry every night

And wish to go back

My screams are quiet

And my tears are black

Maybe I should end it once for all

I was already broken before

It’s hopeless to heal this scar

I can’t do this anymore

So I close my eyes

Wishing to never wake up again

In the dark I share my last goodbyes

[masoda]

Poem 11 | In l?ve

I’m in love with an illusion

My mind is in a state of confusion

Wondering why my heart beats so fast

Wondering how long this will last

Your eyes shine like stars

Your lips look like candy

You smile like a bunny

I love you even your scars

I see you through a screen

I think I’m obsessed

It makes me wanna scream

Like my body got possessed

I don’t even know you

You exist in my mind

So sweet and kind

But that isn’t you

It makes me sad

I know it’s bad

But I need you

Even if it’s not true

Your fluffy hair

Your tattoos

Your voice

You

[masoda]

POEM 10 | Ghost

I feel my body giving up

Even breathing is exhausting

Every day I don’t wanna wake up

I just want to ignore life sleeping

A weight on my chest

It’s suffocating me

Everything feels like a test

When will I be free

Thoughts of killing myself

Calm me down

While I drown myself

I’m all on my own

I see no future

I suffer in the present

I forget and regret my past

I feel like I’m in a hell of a circle

Running around

Searching for purple

That will never be found

I’m stuck there’s no way out

I feel so useless

I want to die without a doubt

Like a ghost

I just keep walking through life with no goals, passion or warmth…just pain, regret and cold

[masoda]

POEM 9 | Alone

How to define loneliness

Do I have to be alone

Is it a blessing or an illness

I ask my phone

I want to go out but also not

I want to meet but also not

I want to share but also not

I crave social interaction

But also fear it like hell

Am I crazy?

I can’t tell

I know I’m lost

But I can help it

My heart is covered by frost

There’s nothing who can melt it

I fear my fear

I can’t see clear

Blinded by my thoughts

Like drunk by shots

I keep living and breathing

While everything is blurry

Like a deaf person who keeps singing

And a sociopath that feels sorry

I know it’s hard to understand

But that’s the point

I don’t expect u to comprehend

Or even to help

I’ll just stay in my « comfort «  zone

[masoda]

POEM 8 | Tired.

You know I’ve tried

And I’m tired of lying

Even when I smiled

In the inside I was crying

Maybe u don’t know

I don’t really show it

I just put on a show

And go through it

But I wish it would actually disappear

But there’s anything that I most fear

Is Numbness, so I follow

My pain, sadness and sorrow

Why is it comforting

To have it by my side

Like someone’s hugging

My heart deep inside

I’m confused

I shouldn’t like it

But I got used

But I also hate it

Life isn’t simple

or anything at all

Just a big question mark

In the middle of nothing at all

I don’t wanna be saved

I don’t wanna exist

I just wanna leave

[masoda]

Na Bi | POEM 6 (2021)

They’re so beautiful and free

Flying from one flower to another

Vibrant colors are all they see

Kissing each flower like a lover

Butterflies

Following the sweet scent

Tasting each one

Living in the present

Leaving the flower once done

Butterflies

They don’t belong to anyone

So sweet and beautiful

A color brighter than the sun

Not the same as usual

Butterflies

They get trapped in a prison of glass

Even after knowing they won’t leave

But it’s already too late to pass

So many beautiful lies and they still believe

Butterflies

Their wings on their back

But their freedom won’t come back

[masoda]

POEM 5 (2021)

How should I even begin

It’s true that dreaming is not a sin

Ah I wish those fantasies would come true

Instead reality gives me this disappointing view

Things I watch on a tiny screen

Sweet hot romantic scene

Butterflies appear in my tummy

Can’t stop smiling like a dummy

The way he touches her

The way he kisses her

Jealousy, jealousy

She’s having fun with her friends

I’m in my solitude that never ends

She’s beautiful and sweet

I’m whatever and haven’t showered in a week

It makes me laugh bc he isn’t even real

But I’m still making this a big deal

Oh I wish I didn’t care

But reality is hard to bear

I feel ridiculous and ashamed

But this is nothing someone should be blamed

It’s not like I choose to feel like this

I’m emotionally unavailable

But I crave love and touch it’s unbelievable

I wish I could trap myself in my own little world

[masoda]

POEM 3 (2021)

Time after time

The time I met u was long ago

I miss the excitement

I felt when I saw u

Like wanting Christmas in July

Time after time

Listening to it brings memories

It hurts that it isn’t real

I wish u were here

Time after time

Seeing you cry broke my heart

Seeing you smile made my heart melt

Seeing you mad made my heartbeat accelerate

Time after time

I hope you’re happy now

We won’t be able to meet

besides in my dreams

I wish u were in this dimension

I wish u were real

[masoda]

POEM 2 (2021)

I blame movies for my sadness

Love, friendship, dreams

Why does reality feel fake

Since i was born

Since the first Disney movie

My mind created a second world

From that moment the real world became the imagination

Creating a thousand different stories in my mind

Losing touch to reality

The real world lost value

Anxiety, depression, stress

That’s what reality gave me

Instead of friends that stay forever

Instead of parents that would love each other

Instead of motivation and passion

Reality gave me pain

People that come and go

Parents who work but don’t love

School, work ...?

Where are the colors?

Everything is blue and grey

Is there a way to change reality

To a parallel world

Where dreams aren’t just dreams

Where Love isn’t just a word

Where friend is spelt without the end

...next movie...

[masoda]

POEM 1 (2021)

My mind likes to wander through different dimensions

Questioning existence and fantasie

A monochrome world is what i see

My thoughts are my books and thinking are my lessons

I believe what I dream and not what I see

So much to discover and so much i haven’t learned

Why does illusion and reality sound the same to me

Knowledge is not given, it has to be earned

Eyes that are so precious still make us blind

That’s why the truth is hard to find

Believing or be living

Overthinking or over thinking

[masoda]

Why was I born?

Is a question I often ask myself

Full of horns

That’s life itself

Are we actually alone

Why do we exist

Made of flesh and bone

It doesn’t make any sens

Born to suffer

Observing de world through a lens

Studying or working

You have no choice

All I do is overthinking

I can’t do that

It’s not for me

I want to runaway

Far away

Where no one knows me

Dancing in the rain

Singing in the night

Looking at the sky

Walking on clouds

Head empty

Heart warm

Finally breathing

Finally living

[masoda]

I feel disgusting

Feeling like throwing up

Why are u still living

Am I making this shit up

I want to cut your throat

Dreaming about your blood flooding

Everyone thinks your the goat

But they speak without knowing

Your head is empty but full at the same time

It is killing u and u wish it was all a lie

Like the dessert it’s all dry

Got so numb I forgot how to cry

Maybe if you would treat your mind

You know, talk to a psy

I’m not trying to be kind

I don’t care if u die

But living with you it’s really exhausting

And no one gives a shit

Not even I give shit

But your brain can’t stop thinking

Sinking into sweet loneliness

You love to be alone

Now that they’re all gone

Your left behind in this crazy mess

You’re wasting oxygen

U can’t even choose a fucking job

You’re the same now and then

It’s just a decision, gosh

You’re fucking blind, don’t u see

Your mind is paralyzed

And You haven’t realized

“you” was all this time “me”

[masoda]

Why is life so confusing?

Or at least for me... when I was young, I didn’t fear the future. I had dreams... big dreams and a planned future. But the more I grew the scarier the future appeared. My life changed at some point a lot. I was young at kinda ignored everything. I kept it all in. I cried several nights bc i missed my old life. I hated to wake up I hated my daily life. I was lonely. Since then some people came in my life and brightened it for some time till they left. Two of them were really close to me... I can’t understand why those people can’t stay longer . Why do they have to leave me at the end ... why do I end up alone again... I fall again into that dark place. I’m lonely again... and scared. But now another big change in my life comes across and I’m not ready. I’m lost and don’t know what way to chose. I feel sick. I hate my life. I hate to live. I have no goals, no dreams, no passion... I wake up bc I have to, I eat bc I have to and I live bc I’m to scared to kill myself. At this point I feel useless... even for myself since I can’t move on or end this. I wonder if this never ending pain will leave me. Will I ever be able to say that I’m truthfully happy?...

[masoda]

_________________DREAM__________________

I feel tired

As if my soul left my body

Every decision seems so deadly

It makes me sick

I lost myself in a forgotten place that can’t be found

Even if I scream or cry

I am on my own

When I fall or fly

It doesn’t matter, I am all alone

Sometimes I wish I could drown in my own tears

I would leave this place silently

With a smile and no fears

To somewhere pain can’t bother me