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It’s so humbling to have to interact with an estranged friend in the company of mutual friends.

Ever since I’ve visited my best friend after he and his partner moved to this house, I’ve found peace in their backyard. There’s something about the trees, the chirping of birds, and the open skies above that I’ve found comforting. I can breathe a little easier out here. My mind doesn’t race as much. I’m calmer.

Yesterday, I spent the morning and the better part of the afternoon out here, lost in conversation with others. Now, I’m out here drinking my morning coffee and reading a few chapters. It’s not even 8am yet.

My mind began to wander. Why do I feel different here? Do I even really feel so centered or am I, as I am wont to do, romanticizing the feeling into something grander than it is? And if I am, why? Maybe it’s because I left the things that keep me up at night some 900 miles behind me. And now, I get to enjoy the company of those who I don’t see often enough.

Or maybe I’m romanticizing a place to feel like a home because I don’t remember what that feels like anymore and I’m tired of endlessly floating and searching for a place to belong.

Sometimes, it really does feel like an uphill battle, and every obstacle just reinforces the voice of self-doubt. Some days, it’s quiet and slumbering. But on the days it chooses to stir, mercy, is it loud.

And while I know I just have to keep pushing to get through, it’s also easy to feel discouraged.

—

Today, I came across this video of a TT personality I follow giving her viewers words of wisdom. And after my emotional breakdown yesterday, what she said really stuck with me.

“You’re not failing because your life hasn’t started yet. Some seasons are about surviving long enough to meet the version of yourself you’ve always wanted to be. You just have to keep pushing. Something will break in your favor. Something will shift quietly and then all at once. You just have to keep pushing.”

I needed to hear that.

Forever chasing some missing thing I’m not even sure exists for me.

eldergoblin

SHE-

oathofwhimsy

[ID: a digital drawing of Beau from Critical Role facing the right side with a serious expression. End ID]

One thing about me is that when it comes to my friends, I’m loyal. But the moment I can’t feel safe around you, that my peace is at risk around you, then you can lose my number. Miss me with that. I will cut ties so quick and forget you.