THIS IS MY LIFE

You can be anything you want but you need to specific on what do you want to be.

[matt10bth]

Park

I hope I learn to drive so I can park where your heart is. Maybe you can hop on to the front sit, and play songs that will string my heart and will resonate until next year. I can drive this car 200 miles per hour, just to be first in line to your list. No need to worry, I will wait for you patiently, patiently so I could be with you everytime if not now probabbly in the next life.

I drive this car wherever your heart is, but before that I need to learn to park so I can pass my driving test.

[matt10bth]

GOODBYE 2025, HELLO 2026!!!

I started writing this at 11:29 AM before New Year. I continued my writing at 2:17 PM, something happened before 1 PM the bus almost hit us.

I realize I'm not paranoid or anxious. I accepted whatever will happen to me.I have rested for a very long time, to the point that I can humour all the pains and bloods I shred through out the half of the decade. I resigned because I'm tired and I know I'm not belong there anymore. Sometimes I feel that I already I wasted too much time, but I shouldn't because I study a lot and give time myself to rest until my inner bones heal.

I have learned that even I want to push through a narrative in my life. It is always God who will always prevail, who will always write what should be the best for me.I study a lot this year, some of them I believe will benefit me but not, and some them I think will not benefit me but is really essential to my career path.

I have learned that I should never pursue for happiness but rather for maturity and growth. Pursuing happiness makes me weak and ill minded, asking and obliging the world to give me one. It makes me entitled. When I pursue maturity—it makes me feel that happiness is the one chasing after me, not the other way around.

My most favourite song of the year is Opalite by Taylor Swift. It has been a long time since I feel that a song will be my song of the year. It is very positive, to the point it makes me realize and apply my realisation on the spot that every trials and failure are just temporary, and I can make my own happiness.

My most favourite KDrama is When Life Gives You Tangerine. It is a statement that contradicts when life gives you lemon. It makes me count my blessings in life and weight it more compared to my misfortunes.

My most favourite game is Duo Lingo because it makes me learned languages in a more fun and stable way.My most favourite app is TikTok because it showed me different part of social media I have never tried before.

FOR 2026:

Next year, I hope I never lose hope.

I hope I will be strong for my dreams, and be passionate.

I hope I will nourish and prioritize my health.

I hope I will have more treasured moments with my family.

I hope I will still choose love despite the chaos that the world emits, to remain calm and keep giving kindness.

I hope I learn more and I never be afraid of the to exert a great amount of effort.

I hope I could travel to the places I've never been.

I hope I finish all the things that haunts me.

I hope God gives me wisdom and patience, so it scared me but I will be strong.

I hope I will meet new people that will bring joy and growth in my life.

#HappyNewYear2026

[matt10bth]

AFTER 27, BEFORE 28

I'm writing this at 1:12 AM on September 1, 2025. Today is my grandfather's birthday. I want to write this early as a sign of peace for me, to know that I can still write despite not using my talent to its full potential for so many months.

I lost a lot, I lost a lot of people, and maybe opportunities, but I gave myself time to reflect and heal. I realize all the mistakes, and failure to notice my surroundings that hindrance me to grow and become a better person.

I’m grateful to God for giving me an opportunity in this lifetime to realize my mistakes and try to renew them. I realize that I become happy because I let go, in a sense that I let God handle the problems and worries that I have.

I'm writing the continuation at 8:01 PM on September 9, 2025, 16 hours before my birthday.

I know I’m full of insecurities, worries, but not hatred. I understand that most of the time I push myself to be angry and distant to my surroundings, so I can protect myself. I’m tired of being hurt and taken advantage of by the same people.

I also understand that love is the only way to make peace for everything. Passion is also love but suffering to something that you love. If I want to live a life with fulfillment, I should not be afraid to succumb to my passion. By doing so, I know that I live a life that is full of color.

I promise myself that I will face all my fears and worries, and the circumstances that I don’t want to be involved in step by step. I don’t want to be afraid anymore.

TURNING 28 YEARS OLD

I want to highlight my best qualities in terms of emotions, values, and creativity. I want to be proud of myself, knowing that I accomplished so many things, and will still accomplish great things that will benefit the greater good.

I don’t want to hide my talent and my best authentic self, just because somebody cannot tolerate it or is ashamed of me. I want to stand proud, shout and sing without calculating a thousand times what will be the outcome. Waiting for the right time is the mistake that I have made in my life. I should be the one opening those doors, and I hope God will be always with me, facing those aliens in life.I should know that I should value my life, know that I'm enough, know that God will always lead me where I should go. I should follow my calling because deep inside I know he planted those dreams, ambitions and passion in me so I can accomplish greater things while I still can write in this world.

I should value myself and the concept of life, know that every word that I integrate will greatly affect the outcome.

Why should I be afraid of the perception of the people that surround me when all this time they are not here with me, and they are also busy living their life—not thinking about me.I should always be kind to myself. I can push myself to be a better person but not to the point I'm going to torture my well being and mental health.

I should value the relationship and kindness of the people. Time cannot be bought—the most expensive accommodities that ever existed. It saddens me that I only have a small amount of time left with my loved ones, but I'm grateful that I have spent it with them.

Hey Let Us Find Some Aliens is ending now and I'm writing for “—” tomorrow on my birthday. New era, New legacy. I know that I can do this. This is new to me, I break all the plans I have and will create a new concept for an album. “—” signifies embossing of what is really important in life. It is also a ray of light to darkness. Growing up, I'm always fascinated by em dash, everytime I'm reading them because the writer wants to convey that there is something big and important that will be stated after a phrase or sentence.

Here's the top 10 IMPORTANT lessons, values, and things in life.10:52 PM

There are thousands of things to learn, and I'm dying to learn them all, but I also should not forget to be with the people that support me, and love me.

2. I gamble so much in terms of fate, I choose the risky things and not all the mundane circumstances that can lead me to a rich and luxurious life, but I don't regret it right now l, because deep inside I know I live a meaningful life.

3. I have been hurt a lot, but I should not wish my worst version to come out, instead I should learn to be patient and be forgiving. I hope God takes me back to the version where my heart is soft and not hard as a rock that it can build walls to surround me.

4. Always treasure the moments that you are currently in right now, they can never happen again. The time in this world is very limited, and we consume only ⅔ of the day.

5. Keep the focus, the distractions should be lessened. You can do this. You need to trust yourself more than anyone else. Don't let yourself suffer because of alcohol and other vices that will ruin your health.

6. Rest, if you can't do it—ask for help. There's nothing wrong with being fragile because we are still human, we can't do things all by ourselves. We are still emotional despite the harshness of the world that makes our hearts hardened.

7. Explore the world beyond your limitations. This could be physical, where you travel around the world, or emotional, where you meet new people beyond the characteristics of your circles.

8. Always trust God. He is the only one who can take away the pain and worries in life. I might be confused right now, and the water is raking so hard, I'm not standing up straight, but I know all his plans for me are for my better good.

9. Out all the noises that says you can't do it, there's only one you should listen to—you should listen to the faith and hope inside of you.

10. I already met God in the faces of people that I encountered. Now, it is the time to let go of the fears, and apply what I have learned from each individual. It is time to highlight my best version of myself. I should not worry that I can do this.

Happy Birthday to Myself, I'm planning to have an Introvert celebration after this, where I would watch my favourite movies. Finishing this at 11:20 PM.

[matt10bth]

GOODBYE 2024, HELLO 2025

I'm starting to write this at 8:33 PM. This is the 10th entry of what happened, realization, in my life that happens in the whole year.

I want to change, I want to make a decision that is different to other. I want change, I crave for the change. I don't want the same pattern.

God, I let you be. I don't know, so I'm just going to do my best, let you control my life at best.

Most Inspirational Song: Defying Gravity, leap of faith.

Game of the Year: League of Legends, even though I'm not playing that much anymore.

Anime of the Year: DanDaDan, it teaches me to connect with people.

I'm broken hearted, but I'm more resilient now, I know I can do it, I know I can survive. I just hope I can learn how to love properly. Let me heal, let me love, let me endure and my undying fire for hope will never instinguished.

For 2025:

I let you be, I let you be, I let you be, but I'm hopeful that I will grow resilient and a wonderful person for the whole year.

I won't be afraid, then someday these walls that have been created because of this world's harshness and my negative perspective would be wrecked by a wall breaker.

[matt10bth]

After 26, Before 27

This is my 10th entry of After and Before. Every time I read my entry I become much more aware of the things I need to improve, that are hard to improve, and the values that I let go and instill myself.

I wonder if what I'm doing is enough, or do I need to make a big step to change everything. Do I need to change everything? When everything is perfectly fine as it is.

Things I have learned so far in life.

1. Patience is the first definition of love in the bible because it is the first thing you need to learn and practice. The more I rush things, the more it will slip away from me.

2. To love is to let go, if you truly love someone you need to let go of them because they can never really reach their potential if you cage them.

3. Do not be afraid, it is okay to fail in life, to suffer in life. It is more important on how many times you stand up after you fall rather than how many times you win. Failures don't define you but should motivate you.

4. Do not compare yourself with other people, but compare yourself to what you are in your past. Be grateful also to your past because you cannot be who you are without the lessons along the journey.

5. Life cannot be fulfilling without giving. Do not count the things you provide and measure the things you are receiving.

6. Understand the people that surround you rather than judging them. Fill your with compassion, and I will tell you, you can sleep at night at peace without holding grudges.

7. Consistency is greater than doing things with a big impact. Things last longer and improve if you do it step by step. Take a little step so you can start things now.

8. When everything does not go in your way, do not be afraid, because you have God as compass. Let your compass direct you where to go, all you need to do is to follow it.

9. Do not let your hatred define and be the objectives of what you are going to do next. Even if the result is good, if the cause is not right, it does not justify it.

10 . Now you commit a hundred mistakes in life, be glad because you are still here and trying to correct and heal from them. It is time to make things right and stand up again.

I should accept I would never be the same again. There are things I cannot change but can amend.

My message to the 27-year-old version:

Every step, and back step you make is essential to your journey. (MOVE ON)

Some pains would repeatedly try to break you, but just hold on because it will make you stronger. (YOU HAD JUST KILLED ME)

Do not be afraid to show yourself, the very best version of yourself. Stand up and fight for it. (DEFY)

Try again, no matter how many times, try and try until you achieve your goal. (THIS IS MY REWRITE)

Well, that's life. It is full of color, from the darkest and lightest shade. (LIKE AND DON'T)

Search the world, search the people, search the meaning of life and love in God's terms. (HEY! LET US FIND SOME ALIENS)

I have created so many poems, songs, stories, and other forms of literature, that they will never define me, because every piece of my writing would only be part of who I am. My intention is for them to become an inspiration, and comfort when someone needs it.

Every time I write it significantly helps me to accept things and grow from them. I hope God someday I can share the lessons and stories I'm writing so I can inspire other people too.

I finished writing at 6:47 PM.

[matt10bth]

2023Goodbye 2023, Hello 2024!

Goodbye 2023, Hello 2024!This year feels fast to me. Extreme emotions both the worst and best. I lost all the people and reputation but my faith has been restored. I learned that God will isolate you to realize that all you need is him.

Writing this makes me afraid, I became dependent on a writing application that helps to correct my grammar. I love writing, so I shouldn’t be afraid. 

I achieved the state of mind where I can rest because I trust God.

What I have learned:

I shouldn’t be afraid to love the people that surround me. I would be hurt, be full of joy, and I should treasure the memories with them.

Every moment and people I met would always serve the purpose.

My love for God would be boundless, I need to trust him.

I should be patient, because I don’t want to lose the people that love me. Just wait, and don’t rush things.

My reputation would not be the definition of me. I love my imperfections.

What is meant to be, is meant to be. That would be the rest in my chaos.

To face my fears, be excited about what is going to happen to me.

Giving should be limitless, should not be counted, and not asking for return.

God’s word should be the top priority of them all. The train that I should be grateful for.

Art should connect people, the one could touch the soul.

My Song of the Year: Your On Your Own Kid by Taylor Swift. - There is no reason to be afraid, my most favorite line on it.

My Anime of the Year: Frieren. It makes me realize the value of time with family and friends.

For 2024:

It is hard to follow my dreams, I don’t know what is going to happen to me if what I’m doing in the long run is the right thing. I don’t know if pursuing music is the right thing, but something is telling me that I need to follow it.

God, I would put my trust in you. Trust that you will guide me wherever I go.

I need to keep measure my life by the love I give

You will be hurt a lot of times but you need to be strong to start again. You will be given a thousand opportunities, and you need to be strong to accept them. Keep on surviving, be strong and trust God.

I need to be more humble, patient, and loving. To always choose love, no matter what. To do things with love.

#ThankYou2023 #Welcome2024

[matt10bth]

After 25, Before 26

I am writing this entry at the office at 1:30 PM. My heart is at peace, but there are still so many things I want to achieve in this lifetime. I play all the songs that have top in me every year since 2010. It brings back all the memories from the happiest to the saddest.

From every entry I have written since 2015, from things I have learned, but becoming 25 in the middle of my early and late 30s. Right now, I know I'm at the right place because I trust God.  

Somehow, the word learned metamorphose in practice. 

I put into practice letting go of things and the people surrounding me. I know that where they belong is where they can grow. I know I don't belong in a specific place because I'm not bound to this world.

I practice not being afraid to do the things I have not done before. I'm proud when I achieve something with my abilities. I might not become the best, but I will still be happy because my failure is not caused by fear.

I practice believing in God even though I don't know what will happen to me and my future, and all I want to say to him is "Thank You."

I practice patience even though it is the hardest of them all, so "Patience" is the first line in 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7. I'm patient that I can achieve all the things that are supposed to happen to me with the help of God. I still have a long way to go to be not affected by people's opinions about me and the circumstances that I'm going through. Well, I just need to chill.

I'm always inspired by the good people around me and how they dedicate their time to achieving their goals. The people who hurt me teach me how to become strong and wise, and the people I hurt teach me to be more careful so that next time, I will not commit the same mistakes. I know that every experience will teach me to become a better person.

I practiced not to compare anyone, and everyone has a strength on their own. I shouldn't be favoritism on the merit that this person can only do this. No one can be delighted to have unique talents or abilities without sharing them with others. Everyone has a purpose in life.

I shouldn't regret my mistakes, which teaches me to improve. 

I practice not blaming it on my circumstances but changing my perspective in life to become resourceful. It is like an artist who needs high-quality equipment but keeps striving to create an outstanding craft.

I practice to do things Practically. It is a trial and error; every back and forth teaches me to do the right things to step forward and stop the loop.

I practice not to force things until I feel burned out. I learned to settle down for a while and learn to fight or give my best to certain things in life.

Ten hours to go, and I will be 26 years old. Life teaches me to measure life by giving love, not by the minutes and years I still have. I created the foundation of my values and morals for the past years of my life, and I need to practice the things I know that are good and great.

I want to excel in my craft for the next 365 days of being 26 years old. I want to become much more resilient. 

Honestly, I want to say to my 26-year-old version, relax. You become better; somehow, all you ever need to do is trust God.

It is time to find yourself amid millions of sounds. Good luck, and enjoy the playlist that is worthwhile. 

Finishing this part around 2:57 PM

[matt10bth]

GOODBYE 2022, WELCOME 2023 !!!

There are so many ways, roads a head of me. Sometimes I will be afraid to take that route but in the end I am strong enough to face them because I know God and the people that loves me always have my back.

This new year is special because I am with my whole family, along with my cousins. I am not locked inside the room but with them. It is much better than before because right now I'm open to all oppurtunities and changes that will happen. I might be afraid, but I'm strong enough to face them all.

For 2022:

You might be one of the best year of my life. You taught me so much from letting go, and holding on. Living on the momment. From hating God, so I can be humble, to loving God, so I can give my full trust on him.

PEOPLE: Everyone is fickle, and weak, don't rely your happiness on them. Learn to love them without asking on return. They will hurt you, love you, change you, but in the end you will learn to grow from them.

EXPERIENCE: You will never know if you can do it until you try it. Try, eventhough failure is inevitable.

GOD: You can runaway from him, but the truth is all ever you need is him.

I met the possibly the best people I want to stay in my life.

Maybe the reason this post is much shorter than the my other post because I learned to be calm and contented.

Best Game: Mobile Legends One of the reasons because I have an oppurtunity to watch the event live.

Best Songs: Stonger, Seasons of Love, Talk that Talk.

Best Creative Writing: Pure Love

For 2023:

Please be gentle with me. I want and to live my life at present.

What I want to accomplish.

To finish the outline of "Living Paradox".

To master After Effects and Premeire.

To finish the lyrics of "DEFY".

To get my Diploma and OTR.

For Myself: Do not be afraid you got this.

[matt10bth]

After 24, Before 25

I got this, I’m truly fine -  Lee Ji-eun I have learned that every decision leads to another, every simple gesture, every simple effort will change the course your life.

To move on, leaving the past behind, having a courage to take a step again, to stand up every time I take the fall, repeat the steps all over again even though its is mundane.

I like it, I’m TWENTY-FIVE

1. I like things that warms my heart, that helps me to stay on ground, sit down and be humble. 

2. I like writing the feelings that is hard to decipher. The feelings that is hard to understand even has been written on paper.

3. I like music, especially the one who resonates my core and trembles my inner being so I will wake up from my slumber, and start being alive again.

4. I love the people that doesn’t leave me at my worst, and when I needed them the most.

5. I’m grateful to every opportunities that I encounter or grab. I’m grateful that I have known the people that hurt me the most, so I will learn to stand up, and be stronger than ever.

6. I’m grateful to the moments that will never be the same. Those moments that makes me the happiest. This line is for the people and my God that complete my day, every-day.  

7. I like it when I gave my all, all my effort, even though I failed I will be proud to myself because I have done it. I get through pass my fears and have courage to face them.

8. I like it that I’m starting to be hopeful again and believing that every breath that I take is a chance to be a better person.

9. I like it knowing that I will survive no matter how big the explosion or storms, maybe. 

10. I like it when I sacrifice my self to the things that I love and the people that matters the most in my life.

11.  I like it when I respect the boundaries of the people that surrounds me. When I learn not to exhaust them because they also have a limit like me.  

12.  I like it when I can stand on my own, knowing that I can do it even when there is no support because I already done it.

13.  I like it when I'm not bound by people, things or memories. I can freely do the things I love.

14.  I like it when I'm not afraid to show my true self to other people. I love it when they accept me for who I am, and helps me to be a better person.

15.  I like it when I find value or positivity on the things that almost wrecks me.

16.  I like it when I learn to be patience, that someday the things that I love will be achieved. I learn that through patience you can preserve relationships.

17.  I like it when I learn to control my emotions, and to analyze the situations that surrounds me instead of acting immediately.

18.  I like it when I value relationships, and not just throw them away when they are inconvenient to me.

19.  I like it when I always try new things, it might scare me, but I won't be afraid again.

20.  I like it when I let my God, straightened me, lead me. I trust him that there is nothing I could do as long I'm with him.

21.  I don't like it when I'm trying to divide people because of not liking the other party or liking the other party too much.

22.  like it when I don't let other people decide for my future, and taking the accountability of what is going to happen to me.

23. I like it when I'm creative, and create things I haven't done before.

24. I like when I drop everything when it is necessary.

25. I love it, knowing that I let myself define by the things I love, not the things that makes me in fear. I love it when I value relationships instead of fame, money, and power. For being twenty-five, Its 9:25 PM - 09/09/22, I know you can do it, now that you have found.

[matt10bth]

Thank You, 2021; Welcome, 2022

GOODBYE, 2021

December 24 11:14 PM

December 31 12:58 AM

December 31 5:52 PM

I’m starting to write this early because this year is so impactful to me that it really bends me and molds me to a different kind version of myself.

I accepted that I’m disappointed to myself because I give up to my church, but I still trust my God that he will never leave me on my journey, and whatever happens to me he will always be there.

I remember last year I’m just listening to “August” and “Willow” by Taylor Swift, and it is so good to me. I went vacation on Batangas I stay there for about almost 3 months. I have learned so much, how to deal with pain. I also composed so many songs in April. I met new friends online until I have known the church that teaches me how to serve and worship God. In September, God teaches me to be humble by losing my faith and hope and slowly gaining my faith again until November. In December my anxiety got worst again, and I decided to leave the church.

This year is a journey to know my values and morals if they are aligning to the teachings of my God. I feel the pain again, the pain that I don’t want to feel, the pain that makes me want to die, but in the end I survive.

I break down a lot, cry in front of my loved ones. I have learned their pain and understand more what I’m going through. I realize that I needed to change and to revert to my old self. I realize that there is no perfect human, they will have their limitations, and, in the end, they will give up on you. Only God is the one who can tolerate you and always brings you back to the right path.

I’m very sad right now because it feels that I’m leaving all behind the moments and happenings in 2021, and I’m very happy that I met those people in life but at the same time I’m sad because I’m leaving them all behind and I need to move on, to start again, to be strong again.

 Artist of the Year

My artist of the year is still Taylor Swift. I love her mentality, every time somebody puts her down, she just keeps on rising, defeating herself. I relieve my 14 – 16 years old experience and memories after she releases “RED” and relieve what happened to me Grade 5 - 6 after she release “Fearless”. I’m just tired of listening on too many songs because I’m still not over to “evermore” and “folklore”, but still grateful that I will anticipate new album and songs of her after every 5 – 6 months.

 Game of the Year

League of Legends, peaks at the highest. I’m playing this game since 2014 but it really changes my life after meeting so many people that influence and change my life.

 Creative Fiction of the Year

“Girl that can see it” teach me to endure the nightmares that I have encountering in life. Even though I’m experiencing difficulties, I still need to be a light to other people. I also learned to be not judgmental because, we need to learn the full circumstances first, and in the end to show love, mercy, and forgiveness to other people.

 Song of the Year

My most played song of the year is “Willow” by Taylor Swift, there are two favorite lines on the song. “Wreck my plans” and “Comeback stronger than the 90’s trend”. The interpret the first line, we can have so many plans in our life, but until the moment we met the love of our life, all our plans will be shattered and will makes us realize that is not the important as we think it is. The second line, I interpret it as the moment Taylor Swift’s reputation died, and the moment she came back stronger after that, is a proof that she is stronger than any trends.

 Movie of The Year

“Tick, Tick... Boom!”, this movie teaches me to be patient, to not give up when every circumstance is telling me to give up.

 HELLO, 2022

I really don’t know what is going to happen to me. If my plans will continue to be a plan. I just want to trust God until the end of my life. I just want my anxiety and worrying to be lesser. I know my journey will be so hard, now that I’m not with the church anymore but I know that everything will be alright because God is so patience and kind to me that every time I went down, he lifts me up.

God give me more patience to myself, and to other people that surrounds me. I want to be humble and accepts my mistakes.

Things I want to accomplish this year.

1.      Finish the chords and lyrics of “Like and don’t”.

2.      To upload more videos on YouTube.

3.      To finish my resume.

4.      To finish my portfolio.

5.      To finish the outline of “Living Paradox”.

6.      To lose 10 Kilograms.

7.      To be intermediate in Piano

8.      To have a job.

My list is much shorter compared last year because I want to be a realist, lower my expectations to myself, so I will not be pressured and disappointed if I don’t finish my list.

I plan to wake up very early in the morning, to start to work on myself at least 5 – 8 hours a day.

I really don’t know what to say anymore, because I plan to give everything to God my “2022” and let him control what happened to me. I don’t want to be in despair anymore of controlling everything that is happening to me. I don’t want to be obsesses ingenuine perfection but rather to what is good, real, and beneficial. I love you God, and I lay all the rest on you.

December 31, 2021 5:50 PM I finished writing this entry.

[matt10bth]

After 23 Before 24

I started writing this post 11:03 PM, and I’m editing a video to upload in my YouTube channel at the same time.

Top 3 Things I have learned being 23.

1. God will stop you from doing wrong things, because he knows if you will commit to them your life will be destroyed.

2. Just trust God, no matter what. Life is all about leap of faith, you will don’t know if you can do it or not until you try.

3. Choose to love even though it is hard, choose to give even there is no one giving love back to you, choose to forgive even though it is the hardest thing to do then move on your life, without regret learn to love again.

Choosing God is the best thing that I accomplished in my life, despite it is hard, because it is hard to deny one self from the worldly materials. I just hope my faith will not waver and collapsed until the end, and in the end I will choose you.

My most favorite emerging artist so far is Olivia Rodrigo because she keeps working hard. I also like “All I Want” and “good 4 you”. I like how fearless her song is. Taylor Swift is still my favorite artist because of “folklore” and “evermore”, and “Fearless (Taylor Swift Version)”. She is very hard working. I cannot imagine she is sleeping anymore.

My worst mistakes is depending to much my happiness to other people instead depending my happiness to my God. That is why there are so many times that I feel lonely and feel unaccepted because their love is not perfect as God.

I want to be more hopeful. I want to expect more things. Expecting means that you becoming happy because you are living for something.

My expectations now, that I’m becoming 24 is to keep up what I’m doing. To be emotionally strong so that I will not stop doing the good things that I’m already accomplishing. To be dependent with God, so I cannot do things that is not acceptable to him.

Right now, I just feel drain and lost, but I’m hopeful that everything is going to be alright. Here are the 10 things that I should do turning 24.

1. Eat more vegetables. 2. Drink more water. 3. Exercise at least 15 minutes a day. 4. Study the bible 30 minutes a day. 5. Study things related to my job. 6. Communicate more to my God. 7. Communicate more to my Family and Friends. 8. To compose more songs. 9. To Finish my List. 10. To be strong, no matter what.

I will be someone who will choose to love, to forgive, to give a chance, to take a chance, not a afraid to show what I can do, to initiate, to be boundless, to strive, to work hard, to be boundless, to be closer to God.

For my 23 year old self: Thank You for trying and choosing God as your priority, you will be always my model in life knowing that no matter what happen I will choose God.

For my 24 year old self: Welcome, a great life is a head of you, fill your life with hope, love and faith.

Your love on art and writing will never be a hindrance for you to love God. Just trust him.

Happy Birthday to Myself, and I’m glad I’m alive.

[matt10bth]

B R A V E

                        I was born to be brave.

                          I’m growing to be brave.

                            I’m emotionally weak but I know I’m brave 

                               and I can make through any storms.

   Negative                           What to do.                              COUNTER

Trials,                gulp it out.                                                OPPURTUNITY

Loneliness,       boil it under 3600 degrees.                      INDEPENDENCE

Anxiety,            shake it off.                                               COURAGE

Insecurities,     what they are again?                                CONFIDENCE

Doubt,               why? Just why?                                        ASK WHY?

Mistakes,          gaining exp.-leading to maximum level.   LEARNING

Lost,                 I like to wonder by the way.                       TRAVELLING

Anger,              you know you are better than that.            SELF CONTROL

Weird,              I’m proud to be cause it sounds unique.    ONE OF A KIND

Broken,            but shining in million pieces.                      MULTYPLYING

[matt10bth]

YEAR OF OX

I was born to be strong and to be brave.

This is my year, when my skin is made of metal.

Pride, that I make it on my own.

Nothing can make me bow down.

I wait this year for about 12 years, since 2009. So I know this will be great, I will expect too high and much because I'm not afraid to crash down, because once in my life I could say that I'm so close to sun and other stars.

I was born to do it on my own, the race of life, chilling on my own way.

Festives and fireworks, and even dragons dance for me, I'm not red but white and blue, the hottest flame you could ever touch.

Happy Chinese New Year. Be strong and be brave through out the year.

11:59 pm I done my writing.

#HappyChineseNewYear #YearOfOx

[matt10bth]

THANK YOU 2020!!!, WELCOME 2021

I start typing these words on my cellphone which will be transferred tomorrow at my laptop (estimated 12:30 pm of 12/30/20).

I start to transfer this to laptop and edit (estimated time 2:20 pm of 12/31/20)

For the last decade this becomes my tradition listing the things that I have learned, be grateful, source of my fun through out the year. 

This year makes me realize that I need to step up, to endure the painful things and learned from it rather than to feel defeated in order for me to grow. This pandemic makes me alone, makes me learn again how to be happy when I'm alone, to learn to be contented on the things I have, to be more productive.

I'm starting the new year with the weight of 80 kilograms, nearly obese. I want to take care of myself so I promise I will lose at least 1 kilogram each year until I reach 68 kilogram which still over weight because of my height. I just want to physically healthy. I also want to take care my mental health by meditating at least 3 times a week.

Here are the things that I have learned so far in 2020 which I value the most. 

1. I learned to stay focus on the things that really matters the most.  2. I learned to always do things that makes me inspired and can enhance my talent.  3. I learned not to give up.  4. Worrying is my biggest enemy.  5. Stay calm and think positive. 

 Starting next year I will list all my favorites songs and I will rank them. My top 100 list (23 year old version). I make my first list when I was 13 years old. My top 

Artist for the year. 

Still, Taylor Swift, after she release folklore. A transition to country to pop to folk which is such a great journey that I also want to travel. 

My top Game for the year.

I think it is Among Us or Pokemon Go. I like that I knew different people after I played this game. It is more than a month since I played those games because currently I'm playing Zooba. 

My top Creative Fiction for the year.

I think I will go to "How to Fight", it makes me learn things that I constantly avoided that is hard for me to accept but in the end I realize that in order for me to succeed I need to adapt as well. 

My top Film for the year.

I think I don't know because nothing really sticks with me or make a big impact with me. 

My top Anime for the year.

I will choose Jujutsu Kaisen because the concept is somehow unique and meticulously detailed in my opinion. 

I'm just happy that I have some time on my own which I don't get for the past 3 year because I'm always surrounded by people which somehow is also tiring but still I'm grateful by it.

Next year. I want to post videos my YouTube Channel.  To change my DP on my Facebook.  To master guitar. To become intermediate on piano.  To finish my story line on my novel and start writing it and finish it by 2022.  To finish all my songs that I barely composed.  To improve art style and design solutions.  To keep on learning.  To sleep every 11:00 pm to 6:00 am.  To eat 2 times a day, fasting of 12 - 16 hours a day.  To be always thankful to my God, people who loves me, blessings and for the fact that I'm still alive.  To my God, whatever it is, I trust it in you. Thank you.  To myself, whatever it is, be patience and never give up. 

Note to myself:  learn to slow down things and not to worry too much, everything is gonna be alright, you can do it, the only way to succeed is to keep on trying and have fun through out the journey.

edited (2:37 pm)

Whatever trials that you may face, remember all the demons that you have slayed so far and be a constant reminder to yourself that you definitely can do it and survive it with flying colors.

[matt10bth]

ANOTHER FAILURE

Pain is inevitable, every time there will be another failure, but the adrenaline it gives makes you want to do best, want something more, want something bigger than yourself. Knowing that all of your hard work for past years is not enough, so you will work harder. 

I will be better, not to give up, but be better. if you reading this please don’t give up, just be better and if you are tired, rest for a while and give your best shot.

This pain that can erase all the pain that I’m feeling right now, it is so incredibly paradox, because it makes me heal the wounds that I haven’t seen and wake me up to endless nightmares every night. It is a realization that my fantasy and reality is a polar opposite that I want them both to disappear and just get the best out of them. 

I will be better.

[matt10bth]

AFTER 22 AND BEFORE 23

I started writing this at 11:39 am (September 9,2020)

There will be thousand of pains to be felt to be alive again, and that is a paradox. Why do we need pain to grow? Why do we need pain in order to live?

last year was my best and worst year at the same time. I could never do it again because I don’t think I can survive on what happened to me. I take a break on creating music and focus more on my daily life. I’m afraid of coming back to music because it makes me feel that I'm only using it when I feel sad and I don’t want to be sad anymore, ironically, music is the top 1 on my list that can save me.

WHAT I HAVE LEARNED

1. I used to run by avoiding and forgetting but right now I will change slowly, so my improvement will not be wasted. that it takes time to change.

2. To never use someone in order to be somebody, don’t change yourself for them but change yourself for you, because once they leave you, you will comeback to your low grade version of yourself.

3. To never look at the past as it is a mistake rather than that, A lesson that will teach you to be a better person. The past can have some pain but still it has a joy. I learned this in a hard way, right now, after moving on to someone else, I see all the problem to myself. It is very easy to love someone else but hard to love oneself.

4. Time and dedication is what you need in order to build yourself up. Dedication is needed to be much patience in life.

5. Life is full of pain and failures but it is up to us on how we handle it and how can they affect our daily life.

6. Once you have accepted your flaws, once you have been in love with them, nobody can use it to you in order for them to bring you down.

7. Everything, even though it is normal. Once you put your ideas and thought to it. It can be unique beyond someone’s comprehension.

8. If your life is a mess, try to fix the visual first. Fist clean your room and be healthy. Try to fix things you can do, rather the things you can’t.

9. You don’t have the control of the emotions of other people, but you have the control of your emotions. You have the control to everything as long it involves you, so don’t blame the misfortune that is happening to you. Happiness will be always a choice.

10. Don’t lose hope, it will change, everything will change, again and again but I hope I become a better person when the change is come.

11. Don’t let your worry controls your decision in life. Don’t think too much on what other people will say if you do certain thing.

12. Do things that you can do now, you can only see their full potential if you give them full attention and time more than what they needed

13. Don’t put expectation to other people because if they disappoint you tend to hate them, just learn to be more understanding to them.

14. There are things that is hard now but eventually through time they become much more easier through practice and attentive learning.

15. You will stuck on never ending loop if you keep committing on the same mistakes.

16. To never to be stuck with someone who makes you feel alone. Doing this means you doesn’t value the people giving importance to you.

17. Don’t force yourself to people who doesn’t care about you. There are tons of people to know and to love.

18. To never care to the things that are pathetic. You will lose important things if you keep focusing on them instead give your care to the things that can uplift you.

19. To never to be hurt by the same people again.  Doing this it means you are the fool one and it is your fault why you are hurting.

20. To value everything that is good to you. To never take for granted the things that your are experiencing right now because you will regret once they lose and that lose, the payment for it will almost cost a lifetime.

21. To trust God. Whatever it is, Whatever had been it is, Whatever it might be it is, I trust in you Lord. Give me patience, love, hope, peace for the rest of the day and faith to trust in you and change me for a better person.

22. Set your standard and values, so you will know or predict on how you will act on a certain situation. Learn to know yourself much more better before other people.

FOR THE THEME OF LIKE AND DON’T

- MY 23 THINGS THAT I LIKE -

1. YouTube 2. Music 3. Writing 4. Reading 5. Leaning 6.League of Legend 7. FL Studio 8. Notebook 9. Guitar 10. Earphone 11. Netflix 12. Spotify 13. Sound Design 14. Motion Graphics 15. Politics and Debate 16. Songwriting 17. Anime 18. Cooking 19. Concept Development 20. Movies 21. Series 22. Sleeping 23. Recording

Welcome to my new self, it is a new me. Happy Birthday to myself.

Edited 9:18 pm

For my future self if you will ever gonna read this, always choose the right thing. Never be disappointed in life, just keep on trying no matter how hard it is. You can achieve your dreams if you just keep trying and improving. 

Always remember to be happy walking in the rain. Every drop of it will help you to grow until you see the sun and with your shades that helps you to never be blinded.

Thank You, I’m still alive.

Until 23, I never wrote a single line of lies (revise) - Twenty-three by IU

Finishing this at 9:36 pm

[matt10bth]

THANK YOU 2019, WELCOME 2020!!!!

I put additional exclamation marks, instead of 3, I make it 4 because tomorrow will be the start of new decade, start of great things, start of new me, a better version of myself.

For 2019.

I know it has been a roller coaster ride, ups and downs with a little side of it, such a thrill that I enjoy and at the same time wanting to give up but thanks God I make it through. I knew he just wants me to put me in the right direction.

MISSES

I miss all those people who are with me before I just don’t know if I can afford to be with them, somehow I feel betrayed and I knew they also feel that I betrayed because of the choices that I made. I choose the right thing to do and I know I will never regret it.

CHANCES

All the chance, all the connections, all the relationships that I have with the people I care about makes me grow and inspires me to become a better person, not living for the past but for the the present and the future that I know will always be brighter than now.

WOUNDS

Every time I heal there will be always be a scar but that scar I will never be ashamed of it because that is the proof that I make it through, that I survive. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

GROWS

There will be things that will scare you to death but what I have know is that you just need to them in order for you to grow, to know your limits then breaking them. Sometimes its up to you if you can do it or not.

EMOTIONS

Sometimes you will be happy, sometimes you will be sad. Just let it be, because being human is like that feeling the emotions but never let your emotions put you in the negativity be brave and you know you can do it.

STRONGER

I wish I am strong for the people I love, to understand them, to not be able to hurt them because sometimes when I’m weak I feel that nobody wants around me, sometimes when negativity eats me it puts me in WOUNDS, that makes in spiral of over thinking.

MELODY

Through music I find the tune, the harmony that brings joy and accepting the sorrows in me. Knowing that even I’m alone I know I can do it.

ACCEPTANCE

The first thing to do before anything else is to be able to accept yourself, the people that surrounds you then reevaluate if they have the rights to be in the space of your life.

MOVING ON

Always, I feel guilty because I can move on faster than the people that surround me, that I feel sorry for them, so I changed. I stay until I hurt so badly then the answer will come in move on will be always needed to be able to start a new life.

FAITH

After all this time I know I cannot do it without my God. I’m just thanking him foe unlimited mercy that he is giving to me.

LITERATURE

I want to excel in writing, to show what I can. I want to be something greater than what I used to be. I don’t want  to be afraid anymore and I don’t want to procrastinate anymore.

Top Songs 1. Crush by Avril Lavigne 2. Starving by Hailee Steinfield

Top Game 1. Pokemon Go 2. Horror Field 3. Archero

Top Shows 1. The Killer Bride 2. Hotel de Luna

New Adventure

I compete in Lazer tag arena and also I able to eat in different restaurants.

The only novel that I had read is “To all the boys I’ve love before”.

Welcome 2020!!!!

Whatever it is, Whatever it might be it is, Whatever had been it is.

Bring it on because God is by my side, so help me God. :).

New Years Resolution

1. To accept change. 2. To be not afraid on being alone. 3. To love myself more 4. To be not selfish. 5. To appreciate the things that surround me. 6. To worry less. 7. To be hopeful. 8. To be stronger. 9. To be positive. 10. To be wise. 11. To be always pray. 12. To love unconditionally. 13. To trust God. 14. To finish what I have started. 15. To be industrious. 16.To exercise more. 17. To eat less. 18. To sleep early. 19. To compose more songs. 20. To finish a novel and an artwork.

I hope I never lose faith and be positive that I can pass through all the problem that I’m encountering right now. I hope that I can be free from worrying and being anxious. I hope I can become a better person that is not easy on giving up. I hope Lord you bring me abundant peace each day with your help in guiding me in every decision I’m making in my life.

First Draft: 12:32  pm Second Draft 10:04 pm to 10:15 pm