GAME OF THRONES SEASON 6 EPISODE 1
SPOILERS FOR THE STUFF THAT HAPPENS IN GAME OF THRONES THAT I CAN REMEMBER!!!!
Westeros is the name of the place where the Game of Thrones happens. And everyone is just DYING to play. Or are they? Maybe not. There was a guy that would come back to life from magic (or possibly majik). Another lady could walk right into fire and not burn. This other guy turned into a Frankenstein monster. So, who is to say who is really dead or not?
The Game of Thrones is a treacherous game where only the most cunning can get ahead. The prize for winning the Game of Thrones is that you get to sit in a terrible chair made of swords that for real has to be super uncomfortable. But it does look cool, and you would look cool sitting in it. I bet since you are the winner, they would make a cushion for you.
Thus we are brought to the sixth season of the GoT. The one everyone has been waiting for. The one where even book reading dorks don’t know what is going to happen. Everyone is excited and on the edge of their seat. George RR Martin, king of the book dorks, will be tuning in with everyone else. It’s double jeopardy, the Triple Dare Challenge, the last piece of the trivial pursuit pie thing. This round of the Game of Thrones is for all the marbles, and someone will be left holding an empty marble bag (cause they’ll be DEAD).
Jon Snow lay in a pool of blood. He had knife holes everywhere. Darnit he thought, guess I’m going to die and that’s that. But just then a shadowy figure appeared and dragged Jon Snow away. The mysteriousness was palpable.
“We did it,” said the Night’s Watch guy that you were on the fence about for a while but definitely don’t like at this point, “we killed the traitor.”
That little kid (Pip maybe? Or Rudy?) smiled an evil grin, “I’m a slimy little brat and nothing more. Please feed me raw livers and salt cubes. I’m disgusting.” And it was true. A Night’s Watch guy brought him livers and salt cubes and the kid (I do think it starts with a “P”) greedily gobbled them up.
The leader guy patted the boy on the head, “Good boy. Eat up. You’re a vile piece of filth.” Everyone cheered. “Now as for the rest of you, it’s time to become bad guys. We’re bad guys now and that’s final. Jon Snow is definitely dead and we don’t have to worry about him coming back and ruining our plans”
The Night’s Watch accepted their role as bad guys now and all cut scars over one of their eyes so you knew it. Scars over eyes are the mark of the bad guy.
Reek and Sansa jumped to their death. No two ways about it.
Arya Stark put her hands to her face. “Did you just make my eyes look weird? Why would you do this!?”
The leader of the Mask Pillars said, “Honestly, it looks really cool. I’m always doing riddle type stuff and saying weird things. Now the riddle is your weird eyes. What’s the deal with that? Why would I do that? That’s for you to figure out, girl.”
Then, the guy pulled his mask off and underneath was the exact same face, “See? Like that. You thought there’d be a different face but it was the same face. What does THAT mean?! Crazy, huh?”
Arya rubbed her eyes. She was blind. “This actually sucks bad. I’m not happy with what you’ve done to my eyes. How can I kill all the people in my slam book if I can’t see?”
The longhaired main mask guy threw a super sharp dagger at Arya. Arya caught it. It was then that she realized she had Daredevil powers.
“You see, girl,” the weirdo said, “I have taken something away, to make more what are the things you never had.”
“I have filled a void by making true the void that never was and now is and is filled with what only the void can hold.”
“I made empty what was once full and filled with not what you need but only to empty it out so that what was needed could rush into the vacuumous space”
“I legit don’t know what you are saying,” said Arya.
“I gave you Daredevil powers.”
Khaleesi, who is not actually named that, was in trouble. It turned out her dragon actually kind of sucks and had trouble killing less than a hundred guys. Then it flew her to a place where the Carl Drago dudes hung out and they don’t like her anymore. BAD NEWS!
“We are going to kill you because we don’t like you anymore,” said one of the Horse Guys.
Khaleesi was scared. There was no way her dragon (who I think is named actually named Dragon) could help because there were maybe a thousand guys here and it seriously almost died fighting maybe twenty or something.
“Please don’t kill me,” said DANERIS (that’s definitely her name! I don’t think I spelled it right, but I am almost positive that that would be pronounced about the same).
“We ARE going to kill you, and maybe pour gold on your head. That is a messed up way we kill people.”
But then a figure appeared on the hill. It was the same shadowy figure that had dragged Jon Snow away. The hooded figure was atop a dragon. But this time it was an actually cool dragon like something from World of Warcraft. It would have been a raid boss and not some trash mob like Daynahress’s (this seems more wrong than the last time, this actually probably wouldn’t be pronounced the same way) dragon. It’s scales were made of an unbreakable metal infused with dragon magic called Unbreakobtainum. It made adamantium look like a joke, or that metal that they actually have in the Game of Thrones universe (Valarious Steel?).
The figure pulled back its hood. It was Matt Basler.
With one swing of his sword he cut off twenty of the Carl Drago’s heads. Then, he kicked the severed heads with one of those cool upside down soccer kicks and the heads flew into other guy’s heads knocking their heads clean off their shoulders.
Matt Basler’s dragon went into action. The Carls tried to cut it, but unlike those lame baby dragons that Daenaris (this is very close!) had, Matt Basler’s dragon was actually cool and the swords and spears just bounced off. Matt Basler’s dragon bit all their heads off. Then it looked into the camera and said, “Ever hear of shampoo? Yuck!”
Matt Basler and his dragon cut off more and more heads. Daenayers cheered, “Thank you my handsome savior!”
One of the Carls threw a spear at Dunayrus, and Matt Basler caught it out of midair. Then he did a cool Sonic the Hedgehog finger waggle and said “Ah ah ah, I don’t think so.” Matt Basler threw the spear up into the air. The Carl was confused. He scratched his head while Matt Basler pretended to check his watch (they don’t have watches in Game of Thrones so this hilarious bit of pantomime was lost on most of the Carls).
“Any minute now.” Matt Basler said. “Three, two, one…”
Then the spear came down and went right through the top of the bad guy’s head. It was cool.
Finally all of the Carldragons were dead.
“I killed 465, I’m the winner” said Matt Basler’s dragon.
Matt Basler killed 8000 but didn’t say anything because he was humble and loved his dragon and didn’t want to make him feel bad.
“Thank you so much,” said Khaleesi, “you saved my life and for that I will kiss you all you want.”
Matt was flattered but said, “Actually, I’m a really good guy and don’t see women as trophies, but if we develop a relationship and you want to kiss then that would be cool. But also, I understand that women are in control of their sexuality so if kissing is something you want to do just because and not because you think you owe me that would be fine. I’m in a committed relationship with my wife Jessica Alba but it’s also an open relationship even though she is never with anyone else because she says nothing compares to me but I just want to put all the cards on the table before we kiss because I believe in being honest and upfront.”
“Shut up and kiss me,” said Kalsees.
Matt Basler adjusted his sunglasses. “There’s someone I’d like you to meet.”
Remember the Stark kid that couldn’t walk? Is he still around? I feel like he is but can’t remember where they left off with him. He became Hodor or something? Or like, lives in a tree now? Is that right?
Matt Basler, Jon Snow, and Danielle flew back to where Tyrion was hanging out. The desert place. I think it’s maybe part of Westeros but maybe not. Is the world called Westeros or just that one continent? Whatever, you know what I’m talking about. The desert place. The place where Daeneris has been that hasn’t really had anything to do with anything else for five seasons.
“Tyrion, this is…” Danielle began.
“Matt Basler, I know. I thought you to be just a legend, but I guess the legends are true.” Tyrion drank some wine.
“I’m real alright, and I’m hear to set some things straight. Everyone thought Jon Snow was dead, and he was. But I made a potion and put magic in it and now he is back alive.”
“I want to kill the bad guys.”
“Super cool,” said Tyrion. He drank some wine. “But why bring back Jon Snow? Surely you could easily do this yourself?”
“Honestly, that was just fan service. Everyone likes him so you know. Keep them happy I guess.”
Just then, in walked that really pretty lady that hangs out with Daneerus. She’s got like, the curly dark hair. You know the one I’m talking about. Anyway, she wanted to kiss Matt Basler, too.
The lid of the coffin slid off and fell to the ground with a crash. Out stepped Joffrey. He was back and better than ever.
“I’m back, and better than ever.” Said Joffrey.
“King Joffrey” said a badguy, “you’re back!”
“That’s right! I’m back and better than ever.”
“But sire, there is bad news! The amazing handsome legend Matt Basler has appeared and has sworn to take out all the badguys which is us!”
Joffrey’s grin widened, “I have a little trick up my sleeve.”
A convoy of tanks, stealth bombers, and mech suits roared to life. That’s right! That’s the big twist! Game of Thrones actually takes place in modern day or even kind of in the future!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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