I'm not a good man;

Matthew Nelson. 31. Father. Husband. Biker. Criminal. Owner of the Sunset Garage.

[matthew--nelson]

brittbrittnelson:

“I just… I need you so much, Matty. I fucking hate that I do, because I’ve spent a lot of years without you or dad. I’m scared for you. I know you say that you’re out, but what if you get sucked in again? What if you get hurt or killed by your enemies? I know you don’t want a divorce. I don’t think even Sarah wants it. I think she’s doing it because of the boys. She wants them safe and away from the world we grew up in. You are amazing at a lot of things, Matt. You just have to see that and Sarah will see in time that you mean it.”

“i’m right here, Britt. I’m not goin’ anywhere anymore. I promise you this. You have no reason to be scared for me. I got this. I’m not going to get sucked back in, I promise. I’m not going to get hurt or killed. I promise and give you my word. I understand why she wants it, but I will not let the kboys grow up like how we did. I plan on protecting them from that. I’ll do my best to believe you on that one. Hopefully she does see it.”

[matthew--nelson]

jocelyn-markov:

“Everyone screws up and everyone makes mistakes. It’s a part of life. But I firmly believe that if you keep trying to fix your mistakes you’ll only make more. So don’t try to fix them, just make sure they don’t happen again. I’m almost positive Sarah will take notice of that.”

“But most people’s mistakes don’t end in jail time over and over again. I’m doin’ my best to make sure that they don’t happen again. I am, but thats all I can do. I really hope you are right about that.”

[matthew--nelson]

brooklyn-c-monroe:

Brooklyn pressed her lips together and suppressed a sigh, eyes falling to the table in front of her. She knew Sarah and Matthew were separated, but a big part of her always hoped and thought they would eventually work it out. “That’s okay. Maybe you can come on another day with the boys.” She said and smiled kindly. She loved the boys. Babysitting them was always fun and went by way too fast.

Matthew wanted to work things out with Sarah, he was out of the stuff that put him in jail and he just hoped that Sarah and everyone else could see that. He knew how people saw him in this town and it didn’t bother him at all actually. “Yeah, I’ll see what I can do. I know that they enjoy seeing you. They both are gettin’ so big.” 

[matthew--nelson]

lizzy-bethxchase:

“Isn’t everything?” Lizzy responded offhand. “But if you give up, what’s the point…?”

“Yeah it is.” Matthew listened to her next statement, knowing that she was right. “So we don’t give up. We fight instead. So enough about me, tell me about you.” 

[matthew--nelson]

sarxhcarter:

“I can’t do this again, Matt.”

“Your not going to have too, Sarah.” 

[matthew--nelson]

brittbrittnelson:

“You’re my brother. I know you wouldn’t lie to me about that. Especially that. I just can’t lose you like we lost dad. I would really love to see you there. I look pretty good in a cap and gown. As long as you two are getting along, I might. If you aren’t, I can only imagine that it might be a bit like hell for me. I know you’re trying to fix things, and I’m proud that you are. Just remember that sometimes, you have to make sacrifices in order for everyone to be happy.”

“I wouldn’t lie about that, anyone knows this. Just ask around, I’m out. You aren’t going to lose me, I promise you that. I’ll be there, I give you my word. And you know I always keep my word.  We seem to be gettin’ along, we fight about the divorce thing. But I just don’t want it. I want my family not a divorce.  I am really tryin’ the best that I can. I have made sacrifices, I’ve left the one thing that I’m good at besides working on cars.”

[matthew--nelson]

jocelyn-markov:

“I say just don’t give up trying to show her. It’s always about actions not words with us girls. If you keep doing what you’ve been doing she’ll never forgive you. But if you change as best you can, I believe she will. I mean she loves you, Matt.”

“I hope your right about that, Jo. Cause I plan on showing her, I am showing her that I’ve changed. Hopefully she does forgive me, because I can’t be without her or the boys. And I love her, I always have. Just sucks that I’ve screwed everything up big time this time.”

[matthew--nelson]

sarxhcarter:

“What if you break my heart again? I can’t risk taking another hit like that.”

“I’m not goin’ too. I promise you this and give you my word. I’m not goin’ to hurt you again, Sarah.”

[matthew--nelson]

sarxhcarter:

“I’m not saying that I don’t… I do love you, I love you so much –but it’s not a matter of love anymore, I don’t… I don’t know if I can trust you.”

“You can trust me, just believe in that. I’m willing too, if you just let me in. Thats all you gotta do, babe. Let me in and I can show you.”

[matthew--nelson]

sarxhcarter:

“Don’t –None of this means that I don’t love you anymore, Matthew, it just means that love is not enough.”

Matthew glanced down and then back at her. Not believing her words. “I don’t believe that--I know that you love me, Sarah.”

[matthew--nelson]

sarxhcarter:

“And all the other times were what? Wishful thinking? Can’t you just put yourself in my position for two seconds? Are you really going to tell me that if you were in my shoes you were going to give this a chance? To give us a chance?”

“The other times, I know I fucked that all up. I know that I did. If I was in your shoes, yes I would still give us a chance. And you want to know why? Because I love you and I always will and I think I always have.” 

[matthew--nelson]

sarxhcarter:

“This is all too nice of you to say, but I can’t… I can’t let myself believe in you again… there’s only so much heartbreak my heart can stand and it pains me that you’re not being the source of my happiness, but what did you expect? What did you really expect, Matt? After seven years together, I should win a prize for not having a drinking problem and for not having asked for this divorce sooner. I’m not asking you to agree with me, I’m not asking you to prove shit to me anymore… I am asking you to sign the papers, I can’t take much of this anymore.”

“Well its true..I mean this time..I just really wish that you did believe in me. I’m not tryin’ to break your heart here, Sarah. Its the last thing that I want. I can be the source if you just let me, my love. I expected us to work this out. Go to fuckin’ couples therapy or some shit. Somethin’ to make this work. I’m not signing those papers and you can’t force me too. You can, you just need to help me make this work.”

[matthew--nelson]

brittbrittnelson:

“Matt, you can’t fix a past you weren’t around for. All you can do is do better for the future. Don’t worry about making it up to me. Worry about not missing anything more, okay? I’d love to celebrate with you. I think I have an advantage the other residents won’t have. Thanks, Matthew. It means a lot to me that you think that. I might do that. I just… they need someone to play with them. I’m not surprised about that. Remember how mom and dad were?”

“Thats actually what I’m tryin’ to do here, Britt. I’m out of everything. And I mean that. I’m not goin’ to miss out on anymore. I’ll be at your graduation and we can celebrate that night. I think you might just because your her sister in law. Anytime, sis. Well I mean it and you are going to do great and amazing. Yeah that they do and I get that.  Yeah, that I do. But I’m tryin’ to fix things here.”

[matthew--nelson]

sarxhcarter:

“You can’t sell this to me, after one time, after one good deed, it always starts like this before you get neck deep in shit and I am opening up my door to police officers again. I can’t be at our place, because the memories there are tainted and… don’t ask me, don’t ask me to let you make it up for me, I am tired… I just want to be happy and for the longest time, I just wanted that with you… what if we’re not meant to be? What if we shouldn’t be together and we’re just post poning the inevitable?”

“I’m not going to get neck deep into shit again. I told you I was out and I meant that, Sarah. I’m out. You can ask anyone and they’ll tell you. I need to make it up to you. If you want, we can sell this place and get a new one together. I want you happy, and I want to be the cause of that happiness. I can still make you happy, all you have to do is let me. You can’t think like that because we are more than meant to be. All this shit that we have been through proves that much. Your my forever, Sarah.” 

[matthew--nelson]

sarxhcarter:

“Your words stop having meaning once you’ve said them so much. It is exhausting to love you, Matthew, exhausting, because while you were in there, being away from us, I was here, having to hold everything together and make sure that our sons are not going to hate their father when they grow up. How many months of Theo’s pregnancy were you actually around? Do you realize how many things you missed? How many things we missed? I’m at my breaking point and it’s starting to affect everywhere else. I can’t stop living to be married to you, Matt and I am terrified to believe in you.”

“I know that I’ve said them before. But this time you can check yourself, I haven’t done anything wrong since I’ve been out. I’ve been doin’ what my probation officer has told me. I even did security for that damn Fourth of July nightmare. Usually I would find the guy that did that and beat the shit out of him but I haven’t done one thing. I’m leavin’ that up to the cops. I know that I’ve missed out of a shitload. But I want to make up for that. You aren’t lettin’ me though and that fuckin’ hurts like hell, Sarah. I need you, don’t you get that? I need you believe me in.”

[matthew--nelson]

brittbrittnelson:

“That, you do. I feel like we’ve missed out on a lot with each other. Just until January. Then I start my residency and Sarah will officially be my boss. You are? I sure hope so. If I wasn’t so set on being a peditrician, I’d be a vet. I don’t mind babysitting, Matt. For you and Sarah, I’d do anything for you two. And the boys.”

“Exactly. I feel the same way, but we’ll make up for it. Wow, thats going to be really soon. We’ll have to celebrate. Careful she’s a hardass on residents. Yeah I am. You will be amazing at both or either. Maybe you should volunteer there whenever you get a chance. Well Sarah and I are going through some shit.”

[matthew--nelson]

sarxhcarter:

“You can’t do this, Matthew, you can’t keep me in this, just because you had a fucking epiphany after seven years. Seven whole fucking years. Do you even know what I’ve been through half the time you were away? I don’t want to go through it again… I don’t want our children to go through it again, I am sick and tired of making up excuses for your shit.”

“A fucking epiphany? Is that what you are calling it? No I don’t and I can only imagine what you have been through. Just like you have no idea what it was like for me on the inside. Being away from my wife and family. Worried if I’m going to make it home to them or not. Its not going to happen again! I’ve told you this. I just need you to believe it and trust me.”