It’s wild, because I feel absolutely crazy for knowing how to better combat my sadness over these things, but almost refusing to do so because I feel as if I’m grasping at straws. Like I’ll never be better. I know it’s not true, I want to be better more than anything on this Earth. But it just seems so unrealistic. Nothing in my life points in the direction of goodness, or happiness, or anything like that. So it’s hard for me to tell myself positive things when my life reflects pure turmoil and apathy. And despair and loneliness. Everywhere I look, every corner. It’s amazing how one person could make you feel this way for SO LONG. It’s permanently etched into my brain, it seems. The worst part, or I guess one of the main parts, is that I KNOW I’m the only one of us two that feels like this. Constantly. Everyday. When I see other couples, watch a movie with one, listen to music, eat, sleep, even masturbate lol. There she is, looming over me like a guillotine. It’s impossible to forget her, it feels. And if it’s impossible to forget her, how can I possibly recover? How can I get better? What do I have to do to care as little as she does? I’ll never meet anyone new because I’m so damaged. I was watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and I thought, “Well, Hell, what a fantastic idea. Voluntary amnesia!” Isn’t that grand? Just having the slate wiped clean? I know it’s a movie, but that’s a damn good idea. Id go into debt for it, surely. But it also reminded me that I’m not alone in feeling like this, and that’s comforting to some extent. Doesn’t fully alleviate how I feel, I don’t think anything can really, but at least I’m not the only one irreparably damaged by heartbreak. This shit is so fucking stupid, and I’m so tired of always being the weak one in any equation. I’m always the one who gets fucked over and drenched in emotional tides while the other person can casually go on living their life. As if I was never important to them; my feelings, my presence. It’s just so EASY for everyone else to forget me, or to use me then forget me. I wish I could be like that. I wish I could disengage like a robot. I’d be so much better. Stronger. But that’s not me, and frankly, I think it’s too late for me to try and change into something I’m not. So I am bound in torment. Perpetually, by the looks of it. Wouldn’t be so annoying if I didn’t feel like I deserved more out of life. But I suppose most people steeped in torment feel the same as well and are still very much tormented. I’m to join their ranks quite soon. I’d never attempt on my life again, but it’s times like these where turning it all off sounds so fucking lovely. Can’t do that though, I’d hurt too many people that I care about. So I trudge through this existence, apathetic and dismayed, in the hopes that someday soon things will turn around for me. I’ll be able to use my experiences as an armor, I’ll be able to not attach to someone or something so long, I’ll be strong. Brave. A fucking man. I will keep trying to move on, I’ll give it my all. But don’t be shocked if you see me here next year, spouting the same emotional nonsense. Not even sure why I write these things out anymore, it’s not like anyone even gives a shit anyway. Why would they? It’s easy to not care about me, apparently. Im here, alone, crying in my darkened room because I just feel so trapped. Like it’ll never end. What can I say though? You won; like you fucking win. You’re out here shining, living your best life, cuddled with your new beau, and here I am, wrapped in my sadness like a mummy. It’s no wonder you didn’t stay, I’m truly pathetic, lol. Why would you want to be with someone like me? Someone so...defunctive. It was selfish of me to even try and make you stay. So I guess I deserved it. Fuck, man. I’m going to go smoke, thanks for reading if you did.
