Mysterious Figs. @mauxc - Tumblr Blog

Self Care. Pep Talks. The Things We Do For Ourselves.

The Hairpin is doing a wonderful series about self-care. I've thought a lot about/lightly obsessed over grooming over the years, and generally strive to be emotionally kind to myself and try to help my friends do the same. But most of the time I make mental lists about where I'm falling short in life, and shame myself for not doing better. I don't think I've ever considered self-care in a holistic sense, how necessary it is to take care of ourselves not only physically--in grooming and in health--but emotionally, mentally, etc blah. This interview with Jodie Layne and Kara Haupt is worth checking out for tons of reasons, but Kara's description of her 45 Days of Pep Talks during an emotionally turbulent time just blew up my synapses.

Because I love pep talks. I've been able to come through and give some friends some pep talks when they've really needed to be reminded of what they're capable of, and I've been lucky enough to have some friends that can do the same for me. Kara's project had her write out a daily pep talk for herself, and I really love the idea of taking something that can be such a crucial gift for a friend, and making it something you give yourself. Like the Jodie/Kara interview notes, we don't do that for ourselves. We shame and react to our weaknesses and efforts with disgust and feel as if everything else should come before our needs.

I haven't felt as happy as I want to be. I've felt unmoored, and I've been angry at what feels like my inability to take control of my situation and make things different.

Writing that feels terrifying. I'm finally admitting it, and until now I haven't been able to. Maybe because it means I have work to do, and sitting back and letting things happen isn't enough.

I want to feel stronger. I want to feel in control--as much as anyone can. At least capable of controlling what I can, and managing the effects of what I can't.

SO. I think a pep talk is a good way to start.

Pep Talk #1.

In 2011, you realized you had gained some weight. A fair amount of weight. And it concentrated in your stomach, and it was noticeable on your face and upper arms, and it made you really unhappy and sad because you had been so lucky to have never had to worry about that. Out of everything, you were spared the weight worry, and that is a GIFT. You were upset enough about it to worry, and even get teary and emotional that one drunk time in Rhode Island. It was tied to a lot of other shit, and this went on for three more years.

But in the past 6 months you've made a change. You're running regularly. Prioritizing fitness. Somehow it was a combo of friend pressure and reading seeing Ask Polly tell someone that sweating every day was so important for self care. You're eating better. Good food. Home-cooked, nourishing food. You haven't abandoned the mac and cheese because you're always going to love it and need it from time to time, but it's balanced by a lot of other good stuff. And maybe the drinking a little less is helping, too.

You're doing good things for your body, and now people are noticing a bit. But you're doing it in a way where you have this whole new routine that makes it feel really good to take care of your body. You were never able to do that before now. Good for you. <3

#thehairpin #selfcare #peptalks #ladies #writing #firstpeptalk

On Being Understood

"Being understood is not the most essential thing in life."

-Jodie Foster

This feels very important to me. I need to think through why.

#quotes #jodiefoster

The League of Imaginary Boyfriends.

All of these men are real people. But not a single one has ever been, or will be, my boyfriend.

The ginger athlete. You’re already a tall, handsome man, but that ginger mop you’re sporting is really what leads to me making awkward eye contact. Your standard athletic man uniform--basketball shorts and a tshirt--tell me you’re athletic, athletic enough to get up and get your athleticism in before work. Maybe you were teased about that red hair as a kid, and it took a few years for that height to kick in. But now the height + the hair + that post-athletic endeavour strut makes for a stud I can’t resist. I daydream about you for a whole lot longer than our approximately 3 second encounter, all the way down into the train station. In my daydream you go for a run while i lounge at your apartment. I don't go because even in fantasies the idea of me having the endurance to keep up with you is absurd. But there’s none of the shame I typically feel in real life when I refuse to participate in healthful activities, because you understand that EVERYONE HAS DIFFERENT TALENTS AND INTERESTS.

The salesman. I have seen you many times. I think we’ve even casually chatted in the kitchen. You’re certainly cute, but, well--there’s plenty of potential contenders for Imaginary Boyfriend in the office. But then you go ahead and start speaking French on some sales call one day and that’s it. It’s time to start planning our trip to the Pyrenees. I whip my head in your direction so fast that my coworker looks a bit startled and I need to explain my behavior. ”I think someone said there’s pizza in the kitchen.”

The twinkly-eyed designer. When your new boss sent around your portfolio I thought your plaid shirt, weird bangs, and tourist-in-Europe posing were all standard dweeb variety. But pictures don't do you justice. Wow I don't think I'm photogenic either pretty cool how we have that in common! You have a beautiful smile, framed by adorable dimples. But your eyes are better: bright green. Green enough that when i ask if you want to play in a ping-pong tournament I start getting a little frazzled after you make such sincere eye contact for so long, and back away rapidly. If you winked at me, I’d be done. After that I struggle to make normal conversation with you because when you're that desperate for someone to think you're cool, it's proven to be about 9209348090 times harder to make sure your jokes land. But that’s fine! Because you are completely unavailable. You live with your girlfriend. You throw out "we’s" all the time and it's clear you're not talking about your best bud. I still delude myself, though, and in my rare moments of remembering that it's not going to happen I think maybe you’ve got a pal. Or brother.

The coy commuter. You’re in typical office-guy suit. Your shirt is pale pink. You have a conservative haircut, and you’re fairly tall. This means you look like every other white dude on the train right now. But then you go ahead and coyly roll up your shirtsleeves, I see the tattoos covering your arms, and you are suddenly Boyfriend Material. You’re so full of surprises! What else is up your sleeve?

The Uber driver. My friends and I went to three bars one beautiful September day, and once we saw your picture in the Uber app,we knew we were in for a attractive-man treat. You told us about your vaporizer in your Subaru, and how you were working on your PhD in Neuroscience, and I realized you were intelligent AND resourceful. That’s really the whole package, isn’ it? You were so nice, even while we loudly planned our snack purchases and movie viewing for the evening. My friend sent you a text about me to you via your Uber number, but (incredibly shockingly) there’s been radio silence. Think about dating me, my Subaru sweet. I need rides and you might as well make a little extra cash while you hang with your lady.

#imaginaryboyfriends #writing #prose #lonelygurl #igetlostinthoughtalot

5 words to describe yourself.

Liked the 5 words challenge <a href="therewm.com">Rachel</a> featured the other day, via <a href="http://joannagoddard.blogspot.com/2014/09/what-are-five-words-that-describe.html">A Cup of Jo</a> and Nora Ephron. I don't know about anyone else, but as obsessed with I am about creating a certain perception of myself for other people, I don't really consider how I truly identify or consider myself.

What a simple (and lovely) way to map how your self-perception shifts over the course of your lifetime.

Here are mine:

Searching, single, dissatisfied, cube monkey, ambiguous.

Maybe I'll come back and evaluate how I feel about these some other day. In all honesty, I feel a little sad/guilty/embarassed that these words aren't very positive at all. I think it points to an incongruity in how I feel vs how I present my feelings to the world.

#5wordstodescribeyou

australiansanta

some of you are so shallow basing who you want to date purely off looks, you have to consider other qualities about the person too like do they have lots of money, do they drive a nice car etc

Could I

Could I ever?

Be enough for you

#could i ever

The Memory Project begins.

Everyone in my little high school group had a LiveJournal, and it was great because you could write your little angsty posts AND show off the cool emo music you were listening to at the same time.

I can't lie, I'm filled with pride when I look back and note that I was leaning a little less on the angst than some of my pals. I was probably early into the formation of my current-day emotionless self, so allowing myself to admit that people had any power to upset me caused too much discomfort to be allowed. So, my LiveJournal featured a lot of recaps of the idiot adventures we got up to, which my friends loved to comment on and dissect, making me feel cool. Everyone's natural ego wins when they get to read about themselves!

Eventually I realized LiveJournal was really fucking embarrassing and I deleted it, probably sometime during my senior year of high school, if not earlier. Just a few years later, when I realized that all those little details I had copiously recorded were now foggy, I wanted the LiveJournal back. Just so we wouldn't forget. But I had deleted it and the email address tied to it (HOTMAIL) was long dormant and there was no bringing it back.

Just tried to find hotmail so I could try one last symbolic time to log in. GONE!

I'm going to try to bring that back here. Write down some things that happen, things I don't want to forget, whatever. Doesn't have to be recent, doesn't have to tie into anything particular. I like writing this kind of thing down because it forces you to consider these little life happenings in a more thoughtful way than when they just randomly flit across your brain.

and....GO

#memoryproject

This day on G chat.

This day on G chat A. and I discussed my imaginary boyfriend, Rudolph. In conversation he's both a leading reindeer on Santa's team and a young man deeply committed to our relationship.

me: rudolph is an open book, though

gainfully employed

by a world-renowned philanthropist

and that is what is getting us through the day on this Thursday in April.

#thursday #rudolph #gchat

Looking for order.

I just finished re-organizing my closet. It's after 11 so usually I would be doing the half-doze thing with my laptop on my chest, my neck at such an awkward angle that it feels like my chins are keeping me from being able to breathe properly. But tonight all the hangers were out of order and the clothes were mixed up. Since I was trying to pick out an outfit for work that was bright yet fun and had just a hint of unrealized who-me sexy I got aggravated about my clothes not being in any good order.

This is not interesting, and it's not the point. But I started thinking that this is the first time in my life that feeling like I had chosen just the right outfit had taken on this weird outsized importance. I felt like I wouldn't have a good day, a productive day, a worthwhile day where people noticed me with approval unless I was wearing the right thing.I realized that somewhere in my head I had decided to focus on clothes as a means to feeling in control of my life and getting what I want.

Enough to the point that I needed to get organized to accomplish this Important Task.

I think there is fear and anxiety in here somewhere.

#anxiety #lookingfororder #thoughts

Haikus for work boyfriend.

Oh, my work boyfriend. How I long to talk with you About more than tea.

Hey there, work boyfriend. My hair is better than this. It’s just windy out.

Sorry you saw this. The machine just broke itself. Would you still date me?

#workboyfriend #officelife #haikus

but im alone.

i can't wait to recap my psychic visit.

#psychic

Polly is right.

"Decide what you want, and then own it without shame. Knowing what you want, even if you might never get it, doesn’t make you a loser. Owning what you want, and sticking your neck out for it: That’s what separates happy people from unhappy people. Standing up for your dreams and politely declining to ‘be cool’ and ‘hang’ and play along with the status quo? These actions are crucial. They shape your whole life. Without them, you are merely a spectator."

#inspirational #askpolly #the awl

2013.

I really want to have and then achieve GOALS for 2014. It occurred to me that taking a good look at 2013 and identifying where I fell short might be helpful.

That sounds very negative.

But being honest about where I can do better is the only way I can actually do better.

PROFESSIONALLY

-Got the raise, but not the promotion. Still seeking a title change. Could've better handled the situation around the job offer, instead of failing to make what I wanted known one way or the other.

ROMANTICALLY

-Went on two dates. Neither successful. Embarked on a disastrous entanglement with the neighbor. still allowing him to pretty much use me in 2014. much to work on there. but after leaving a shoe and my mom's earrings there for 6 months, i got them back new year's day. That feels like some deep symbolic meaning, right?

PHYSICALLY

-fitness rapidly decreased, haha. THAT CAN ONLY GO UP.join a gym?! RUN? NO?

-i HAVE succeeded in cooling it with the compulsive face picking that led to lots of unnecessary little zits. and my skin seems much happier.

MENTALLY

I second-guessed myself a lot. I second-guessed what I should do next professionally, whether I was smart enough to bring up that point in a meeting, what my next move was when it was time to decide what I wanted to do with my living situatio . whether I was cute or fun enough to talk to that person, whether someone could or should be interested. I think it took a long time to quell the insecurity that rose very suddenly in middle school and rolled through high school. But in college it felt like i had left it behind, until i look back now and notice it as this constant kind of backdrop to every experience i had this year. i think i got in the habit of waiting for people to give me that push to get something i wanted. and now i need to do it for myself.

#newyear #failures #2013