I Can’t Let You Go Again - Chapter 1: Max Caulfield
"I can't let you go again. I've been through hell and back to get you back and I...I can't watch you close your eyes again. I love you, Justin. I can't do this without you."
"You have to, Clay. I love you too, and it breaks my fucking heart that you have to do this again, but this is how things were meant to be. You have Jess, and Alex, and Zach, and Tony. You're strong, so fucking strong, Jensen, and I know you can do this. You have to go back and make everything the way it was before. You have to fix things. I love you so fucking much, don't you ever forget that, all right? You will always be my brother, Clay Jensen. Always."
It had been a year after I lost Justin. It's hard, but he - well, ghost Justin - told me to survive, to keep going. I wish he could be by my side right now. I miss his smile and his dorky jokes. Hell, I even miss those puppy dog eyes he used on me when he asked me to go somewhere and hang out with him when I was busy reading or doing homework. But things are getting better, slowly.
It hurt like hell when I said goodbye to Hannah, but I had to. I don't think I'll ever be able to let go of Justin, though. I admit, I was a little jealous of him when he lived with us. I mean, I did save him from the streets, for Jessica and to testify, but I eventually learned to love him, and he loved me. Who would've thought that he went from threatening to kill me, to jumping to my protection every time I was in trouble?
"Yo, you okay man?" Zach's voice startled me out of my thoughts.
It was the first summer after going to college and I got an unexpected call from Zach, asking me to go on a road trip with him to San Francisco. It was kind of sudden, but I haven't seen him since we graduated and it would be nice to hang out again. We're at an art exhibit, surprisingly. Zach Dempsey into photography? Tyler is going to be so jealous.
"What? Yeah, no, I'm fine, just thinking about stuff." I reply.
"Justy again?" I nod. "I know, I miss him too. But he'd want us to be happy. He wouldn't want us to be moping about all the time."
It takes me a minute to think of what to say, but before I can respond, Zach hugs me. He doesn't know it, but it makes me feel much better. Maybe he did know, or maybe he just needed one too. I hug him back and we hold it for a few moments.
"Thank you, Zachy. For everything. This trip was a surprise, but I'm glad you chose me to be your partner on the road."
"Eh, Alex was my first choice, but he's too busy smooching it up with Charlie in Cali."
"Wow, they're really good together. I did not see that coming with Alex. That kiss must've been something."
"Heh, yeah, I'm just glad he's happy. He...we've all been through a lot."
We're interrupted as someone bumps into us.
"I'm sorry, excuse me" a brunette girl says as she and a taller girl with green hair, tattooes and punk rock clothes squeeze past us. She reminds me of Skye.
"It's no problem. This place is a little crowded. Hey, do I know you?" I say to the shorter girl.
Before she can answer, the punk girl speaks up. "It would be hella surprising if you didn't. She's Max fucking Caulfield!"
"Chloe! Be nice!" the brunette scolded her.
I laugh. "Max Caulfield! Yes, you won the Everyday Heroes contest in 2013. My friend Tyler is a photographer and he won last year. Oh, I'm Clay, and this is my buddy, Zach."
"Sup." Zach says, which makes me roll my eyes.
"Hi, Zach!" Max says as she waves at him. "Would it be okay to look at your friend's work?" She says to me.
"Nosy, nosy Max". Chloe says, making me, Max and Zach laugh.
"Shut up, Chloe." Max says as she playfully punches the punk in the arm.
"Yeah, sure." I reply back. I take out my phone and go to Tyler's Instagram, swiping through his photos as Max watches. "He always had his camera out. Be it a normal day or something crazy was happening, he'd be...taking...pictures."
"Are you all right? Who's that?" Max asks, pointing at the picture on my phone.
I came across a photo of me and Justin that Tyler took. We're smiling. Happy.
"Wow, that was a good photo, you guys!" Tyler said, showing us the Polaroid photo.
"Thanks, man. But Justin, Tyler didn't tell us to make a stupid face" I teased.
"Oh fuck you, Jensen." Justin rolls his eyes and pinches me in the arm.
"Hey, Clay. Clay." I'm brought back to the present when I hear Max calling my name.
"Yeah? Oh, sorry. Uh, Justin. He was my brother. Well, enemy to acquaintance to best friend to adoptive brother. He um, had a difficult life growing up, and just when things were getting better for him, he...he got sick, and it was too late to save him. He died holding my hand."
"I'm so sorry, Clay. Chloe and I, we've dealt with loss too. We know how you feel, so if you ever need to talk to someone..."
"I don't need to talk, okay? I tried that, it doesn't help. I need some air." I lashed out at Max and start to walk away. I didn't mean to, but when I think of Justin, I think of how I could've saved him, and I get angry. I hope they know that I didn't mean it.
I found an empty room and sat down. I jumped as a I felt a hand on my shoulder.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you." It was Chloe. "Look, you don't have to talk right now, or fucking ever if you don't want to, we totally get that. But we are here for you. Max and I, we've seen some fucked up shit. Shit we can't even explain, but it brought us closer together. You're not alone in this, man."
"I loved him. So much." I felt tears start to roll down my face. "We hated each other in the beginning. Hell, he wanted to murder me." I look over and Chloe looks freaked out. "Long story. Anyway, he ended up being the person who I went to when I felt like my world was ending. He was my hero, and then the world took him away from me, and I can never get him back." I lose it and fall into Chloe.
"Hey, it'll be okay, man. I promise. He loved you, don't you ever forget that."
"Never" I said between tears.
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