music library ♪ ⠂ playlists ⠂ volume settings ⠂ record label
ⓘ composer's notes: this is a sfw jujutsu kaisen + attack on titan blog. currently, taking song requests ⋮ check your volume settings before listening to my playlists. not spoiler free !
recently played ↺tears over beers, what you saw in me
when she isn't writing for gojo, she is always thinking about how she should be spending her time writing for gojo. @throughsixeyes sits down with @gyarujo ( mimi / mika ) to discuss a day in the life of a multi-fandom author, her unique writing process, and the rise of artificial intelligence in fandom spaces.
Tell us where do your ideas come from?
mika: sometimes i draw inspiration from scenes in shows / movies or tiktoks but more often than not my ideas come from my daydreams / fantasies.
i’ve always been a hopeless romantic ( because i grew up on disney movies && 2000s rom coms ) so i spend a lotttt of time thinking about scenarios. i mostly get inspired by interactions && aspects of my life. e.g my macbook stopped working mid ib art process portfolio + i drink a lot of energy drinks gulp && i ended up writing a drabble about those.
What inspired you to start writing?
mika: i got into fanfiction when i was 12 because i was obsessed with izuocha + kiribaku + seroroki and went down this rabbit hole of mha fanfics on wattpad. i read character x character fics for monthsss && then i stumbled across x readers ( shout out softbiscuit + sajnts + keikaminari ).
i didn’t really relate to most of the fanfics i read because they weren’t always poc inclusive. so i started writing x black reader oneshots && fics. i got really overwhelmed with school when i was 14 so i took a break from writing. then i got into blue lock + jjk when i was 15 && switched from wattpad to tumblr. the rest is history. long story short, i started writing because i wanted to create fics i could relate to :p
What is your writing schedule?
mika: i don’t really have one because i know having a writing schedule would result in me putting a lot of pressure on myself && hating the process + outcome. writing is very cathartic for me so i honestly just write what i want, when i want.
What kind of research do you usually do for your fics?
mika: for my summer isn’t over yet collection ( i swear i’ll resume writing for it soon ) && fics set in the canon jjk universe i do a lotttt of research about the jjk timeline just to make sure it’s all canon compliant and chronological.
i also typically do a lot of research about japanese customs, culture, and traditions because i’m not a huge fan of defaulting to western settings ( unless i absolutely have to ). so i read articles + wikipedia pages about night life in japan.
i don’t usually do research for blue lock because i’m a hugeee soccer fan + used to play soccer so i already know all there is to know about it.
if it’s my first time writing for a character in canon verse, i’ll read the character description on the fandom wiki pages just to make sure they aren’t too ooc && i’m not diverging from canon too much.
Do you draw inspiration from other authors, be it on Tumblr or traditional publishing authors?
mika: i draw inspiration from traditional publishing authors + media more often than other writers on tumblr. partially because i often see similar fics floating around && i’m not a fan of reheating other people’s nachos.
i’ve only been slightly inspired by someone else once — really just to create my own gojo collection — and then i got my first hate anon ^_^ so i’ve largely avoided drawing inspiration from other tumblr writers. if i do in future you’ll 100% see me crediting. ( get blatant plagiarism banned, we don’t do that here )
i read a lotttt of books in my free time so that does inspire some of my writing. particularly the drunk / angry love confessions, exes / friends to lovers dynamics.
Which tabs are mostly open while writing?
mika: i’m a believer in writing on my phone and proof reading + formatting on my mac so i only have tumblr, my notes app / google docs, apple music && snapchat open. sometimes safari when i’ve written something && i know there’s a word that works better but my brain is playing games && won’t remember what it is
i used to only write directly on tumblr drafts ( for all of my fics up until patience is a virtue ) but i’ve lost my writing one too many times because a notification popping up sometimes closes my draft without saving anything. so i started writing in my notes app / google docs this year — i prefer my notes app because i can write on the go ( i literally wrote my recent bakugou fic in my notes app while waiting for rides at universal ). although, the second a fic hits that 10k word count i force myself to use google docs
sometimes i listen to music while writing bc i don’t always like writing in silence + it kinda sets the tone for the genre i’m writing && my irls get sneak peeks to every fic i’ve written in our snapchat gc. shout out @mayaromii + @ad4ryu
How do you deal with writer's block or in any case, writing insecurity?
mika: sometimes i get writer’s block because i’m highkey a perfectionist && i start second guessing + overthinking my authorial choices. most of my recent gojo fics were drafts i’d started wayyy back in 2024 && abandoned because i didn’t like where they were going ( currently where i’m at with my nerdjo bet fic ).
when i do get writer’s block i start switching between drafts and fandoms —perks of being a multi-fandom blog — until i’m ready to tackle the fic. i also didn’t start writing drabbles until a few months ago, i only wrote longer oneshots. so now i have something to fall back on when i get writer’s block and can’t bring myself to write a fully fleshed out plot.
i used to get very insecure about my writing when my blog was wayyy smaller because i was starvinggg for traction && i was convinced my writing wasn’t good enough. but i’ve gotten to a point where i remember that i’m doing this for myself so as long as i’m happy with how a fic / drabble turns out i’m gucci.
How much does engagement affect your creative process?
mika: engagement affects my creative process to an extent, because i’d be lying if i said it doesn’t suck when i pour in my soul into a longer fic ( too young for nostalgia #shamelesspromo ) just for it to barely get any traction. so i’m more confident when it comes to writing + posting shorter fics ( <6k words ) because i know people are more inclined to read them.
also when i notice that an au is trending, like college aus with nerdjo / fratjo, if i have ideas i’ll write about them because i know people will most likely read them. but most of the time i just write what i want regardless of whether or not people will read it :)
What are your favorite genres to write besides romance?
mika: i mostly write romance buttt i like writing fantasy, young adult, thriller + i’m a huge history nerd so i love writing historical fiction. i’ll definitely explore more of these genres in the future.
What is your favorite work until now?
mika: i love writing for gojo so all my faves are about him ( especially in canon ). i’m very fond of liebstraume, japanese denim, too young for nostalgia && when it rains, it pours.
What trope is your favorite?
mika: it’s a tie between friends/enemies to lovers && fake dating!
Is there a genre/trope you'd like to see be explored more in the fandom?
mika: for genres, i’d love to see more fantasy / mythology fics because i eat those up.
What would you like to write more in the future? sfw/nsfw/angst/fluff?
mika: more angst for sure! angst is one of my fave things to write but i always end up writing a happy ending. some day i’ll write more hurt no comfort. i love having my blog be mostly sfw, but i would like to write a bit nsfw in the future because i’m just a girl
Do you outline your stories or not? If you do, how is said process?
mika: alwaysss. i find outlines to be very helpful with organization. i like knowing what’s going to happen. when it’s going to happen. who’s going to say what to whom. when they’re gonna say it. etc etc. my outlines run pretty long because i basically write most of the fic in the process
for my recent bakugou fic part of the outline looks like this:
hero gala and bakugou’s gotten so many awards. you got one for humanitarian stuff. catching up over wine with todoroki. because he’s the number 2 hero and he’s still as sweet as he was at ua. you guys have been talking for like 30 minutes and bakugou is jealous. you and bakugou were kinda childhood friends. you were the only one who stood up for deku so he had a lot of respect for you. only girl he actually cared about as a kid because you used to be very close and his mom always wanted a daughter so she really liked you. and you stayed close throughout your days at ua. he’s always had a soft spot for you. you haven’t spoken to him all night. you haven’t even said congratulations. you haven’t even looked at him. katsuki bakugou is jealous. bc he can hear you laughing and it’s not at him. bc all your attention is on fucking icy-hot. and he’ll be damned if that half and half bastard gets his girl. he’s in a foul mood all night and kirishima says maybe he should try talking about his feelings. so the gala’s coming to an end. deku and pink cheeks have left together and you’re talking to ponytail girl about getting a cab. fuck that. katsuki would rather die. and even if you’ve ignored him all fucking night he’ll be damned if he lets you take a taxi when he’s right there
because my outlines are like this ( some of them end up being 5k words && then i just cry ) they save me a lotttt of time when i start writing my fics anddd my drabbles are basically already finished. an outline a day keeps writer’s block away.
What has been the hardest fic you've written?
mika: definitely my nerdjo bet fic, how to lose a nerd in ten days, it’s the longest fic i’ve written so far and has the most intricate plot + it’s a two part fic so when i finally finish part one i can assure you the second part’s gonna be just as hard to write.
i also found it pretty hard to write my first smut fic ngl. i had to read sooo much smut before i figured out how to write it in my so patience is a virtue was pretty hard to write. in part because i hateeee a lot of words frequently used in smut fics like i don’t know why my brain just can’t use them so i have to search high && low to find words i like
How do you improve your writing?
mika: as much as i hated the ib, it made me a much better and faster writer because of all the essays we had to write. reading a lot of books + the dictionary + playing words games helps me improve my vocabulary and flow. so i would encourage newer writers to read more fanfics && think about why they like them, what works for them, what doesn’t etc. practice makes perfect. if you struggle with dialogue, try writing a drabble with no descriptions && just a few characters speaking to each other. if you struggle with writing prose && imagery then i’d say writing scenes with less dialogue would help you improve. i do these a lot, which helps me improve my writing
Do you set yourself personal deadlines?
mika: i don’t but i should el oh el. if i am taking a little longer than usual to finish up a fic then i’ll aim to finish it in two weeks. but other than that i’m a free spirit.
How often do you read your old works?
mika: all the time! because all my writing is self-indulgent i loveee reading my own fics. also i’m quite bad at proofreading so going back to read my fics helps me catch typos && mistakes
What do you think makes a good story?
mika: english lit nerd mimi lovesss this question! i think a good story has a hook. it doesn’t have to be anything elaborate, just something that lets the reader know what they’re about to get themselves into / piques their interest. i think a good story should also be immersive. i’m very big on imagery in my own fics because it’s great for making sure readers don’t get impostor syndrome. great stories appeal to the five senses with tactile, olfactory, auditory && visual imagery. another key thing is dialogue that flows + doesn’t feel clunky. && finally a strong concluding paragraph that either leaves the reader wanting more or satisfies them by wrapping things up with a pretty bow.
Which is your favorite character and why? (can be outside the jjk story or even outside anime)
mika: the love of my life satoru gojo. i don’t think i’ve ever liked a character as much as i like gojo. && yk i hate gege akutami with everything in me but i won’t deny that he cooked with gojo’s characterization. gojo’s that guy and he knows it. which is only just a fraction of his appeal. i mean who doesn’t love cocky characters? he has so much aura every time he’s on screen.
i mostly like gojo because of how much depth he has. his storyline is so tragic. i genuinely get sick to my stomach for every time i think about what he’s been through and how all he was valued for was his technique until the bitter end. i love writing for him because there’s so much to his character. i can write about the light-hearted satoru who’s a child at heart and then write about satoru who’s a lovesick freak and then satoru who’s avoidant and won’t let himself be loved wholly. he gets bonus points for being so freaking beautiful. i could look at him forever. i’m a gojo girly till i die i could write a whole thesis about how goated he is.
Do you write with music? If so, which songs get you pumped? or do you listen to ambience music or work in silence/outside noise type?
mika: on the rare occasions where i write during the day, i write with music because it keeps me locked in and helps me set the mood in my writing. when i’m writing at night i work in silence ( when i’m very drowsy && overstimulated from my meds ) or listen to one of my 26 playlists depending on the vibe of my fic. i love listening to beabadoobee + laufey + clairo etc when i’m writing fluff. conan gray && angst go hand in hand. && when i’m writing smut i listen to cigs after sex + the neighbourhood + chase atlantic
What is the inspiration behind your theme?
mika: my theme’s inspired by my love for summer + shopping / thrifting + picklegrl’s art style. pink, yellow, and blue ( shout out to the pan flag ) is one of my fave color combos too. my theme’s the embodiment of my vibe && it’s very girly && i’m probably never gonna change it :)
Does your culture play a huge part on how you write, and if so, why?
mika: unfortunately not. the nigerian jjk fandom is literally miniscule so i don’t weave a lot of nigerian culture / references into my fics. i would like to because i loveee when mars ( @heartkaji ) does it && it would probably help me build a nigerian audience. i’m thinking about writing x yoruba reader fics in the future. ( i wrote an ochaco x nigerian reader fic back in my wattpad era && people loved it ) i think writing drabbles about jjk characters trying my fave foods && teaching them nigerian dances + slang would be cool asf. i’m highkey gonna do it because i have sooo many ideas
What are your honest feelings or opinions on the rise of ai in writing spaces?
mika: i’m a firm believer that ai doesn’t belong in creative spaces. in part because it’s shitty for the environment && cognitive development and because i think it’s just rather silly to post ai generated writing. if you’re not going to curate your writing brick by brick, sentence by sentence, why post it? why pollute fanfic spaces with writing that’s not your own? there’s really no point + it’s nothing to be proud of because there are writers who spend hours, days, months, even years creating fanfics. && spending at most a couple seconds typing up a prompt — doing absolutely nothing creative — and sucking up engagement that you don’t deserve is just lame.
ai writing is slop. plain && simple. it’s becoming a lot more common in fanfic spaces and it’s honestly so disheartening to me. as ai gets more advanced it becomes increasingly difficult to differentiate between human writing and ai writing which leads to a lot of great authors getting allegations + decreased quality of fics.
while i do think it’s often quite easy to pick out ai writing — not just because of syntax but there’s really no feeling in it. it’s so devoid of human emotion and quite hard to connect with because it’s so, so vague — i don’t agree with the ai witch hunts. because it’s quite literally impossible to prove that someone is using ai as it literally mimics && regurgitates human writing styles. && these witch hunts lead to authentic writers losing their love for writing + are just plain disrespectful. i’ve thankfully never gotten any allegations but i would be so miffed if i poured my soul into something just to have someone accuse me of have a robot write it for me. ai in creative spaces fucking sucks. it’s dishonest and degenerative && i think fandom spaces will become a lot healthier once people stop posting ai slop :)
Do you believe it to be unethical to use ai in any step of the writing process? And if so, why?
mika: i think it’s extremely unethical. i’ve seen some blogs outrightly admit to using ai to assist them in writing && i mean i can appreciate the honesty but i still don’t agree with it.
as i said in my previous response, using ai is just so dishonest && lazy + i don’t understand how people can post writing that’s isn’t 100% theirs without being consumed by shame. if you post ai + use ai even in the slightest in your creative process you should be veryyy embarrassed ngl. especially because writing fanfiction is something you’re actively choosing to do. it’s not some school assignment ( i think it’s stupid to use ai for school work too ) but there’s literally no one forcing you to write anything so if you’re choosing to create fanfics you should do it all by yourself. in my humble opinion ofc!
What is something you had wished people told you while beginning to write?
mika: i wish someone had told me to take my time && put less pressure on myself. i’m a very anxious person so i get stressed out when i take too long to post a fic / update a collection or series which in turn makes it harder for me write. give yourself grace. life is hard && writing fanfiction is supposed to be a fun hobby. so if it starts feeling like a heavy chore, take a break and reconnect with why you started writing in the first place :)
Do you write for your favorite [JJK] character as much as you talk about/stan them?
mika: at the moment, unfortunately no. i talk about gojo like all the time irl. anyone who knows me knows i love gojo! being a gojo gagger is a core part of my identity imma be real + i glaze him as much as i breathe but i’ve highkey been a deadbeat on my blog for a while because i went from taking igcses straight into the ib && had barely any time to write. still, i do write for gojo more than i write for anyone. 95% of my drafts + wips are for him && i’ll definitely be able to write a lot more for dadaman now that i’m starting college
How is it like being a multi-fandom author? Does your audience get ‘mad’ at you for writing too much of a certain fandom at certain times?
mika: i’ve never had anyone complain directly to me about me writing too much for jjk. i mean i started off writing for blue lock && now i write for blue lock like once in a blue moon. i wouldn’t really consider myself that much of a multi-fandom blog because my writing for jjk vs other fandoms ratio is like 9:1. i only write for other fandoms when i’m very obsessed with a specific character at the moment or i have an idea that’s itching to be written.
What’s your favorite AU/trope to write for JJK/your favorite JJK character?
mika: i love a good exes to lovers with gojo because rekindling relationships is so buzzy and i’ve gotten back with all of my exes at least once el em ay oh ( call me mother goose /j ). on a real, there’s so much megumi ( potential ) with this trope! i like the jjk college au but i’ll always love writing for gojo in canon more.
From most to least likely to be into gyaru, rank the following: Gojo, Geto, Shoko, Nanami, Haibara
mika: geto ( i mean js look at him ), gojo, haibara, shoko, nanami
What is an AU/trope you’d love to see more of being explored in JJKblr or otherwise?
mika: hmm for tropes i think i’d like to see more friends to lovers wlw ( let’s all get gayer! ) && brother’s best friend / best friend’s brother fics. && arrange marriages oh those are so buzzy. + emperor x fave concubine fics yum
What advice would you give new writers or people who are just starting?
mika: always write for yourself. don’t rush yourself. don’t compare yourself to other writers, it sucks out the joy of writing. also be yourself && try to be original! find your own writing style, make your own layouts. don’t take the easy way out by plagiarizing && using ai to enhance your writing. no one starts out perfect, so let your writing + blog improve && grow organically
synopsis. satoru is a bonafide genius. he’s got the perfect transcript and ten-year plan to prove it. he knows how to keep his head down and avoid the chaos his twin thrives in. so when the unofficial frat princess sets her sights on him, he knows there’s a catch. he just doesn’t figure out what it is until he’s already fallen for her
pairing. nerd! satoru gojo x popular! fem! reader. ✶ contents. sfw! fluff. eventual angst. college + gojo twins au ⇢ fratjo’s called souta. takes place during junior year. brief mentions of ex bf! toji. loosely inspired by ‘how to lose a guy in ten days’ and very romcom-esque with a lot of drama. reader is very flawed and lowkey insufferable + the bet is hella dumb ˖ ࣪ . ࿐
day zero ✶ day one ✶ day two ✶ day three ✶ day four ✶ day five
day six ✶ day seven ✶ day eight ✶ day nine ✶ day ten ✶ weekend
+ more days to come
thinking about growing old with yuuji, who confesses his love to you shortly before you graduate from jujutsu high. his words tumble out in a mess of emotions that makes your heart ache. he looks so vulnerable standing there, hands shoved in his pockets, amber eyes wide with fear of rejection.
you kiss him and he melts against you like he’s been waiting his whole life for this moment. your relationship makes all his suffering worth it. every battle, every near-death experience, every night spent haunted by the screams of those he couldn’t save.
all of it fades into nothing when you’re in his arms.
thinking about growing old with yuuji, who insists on you moving into an apartment in the city together.
you fall into the routine and rhythm of domesticity — cooking unhealthy portions of spicy ramen together, your laughter echoing off the kitchen walls. curling up on the sofa together and watching studio ghibli and horror movies, his arm wrapped around you as you bury your face in his chest during the scary parts. he traces patterns on your skin as you sleep, memorizing every inch of you like he’s afraid you’ll disappear if he looks away for even a second.
thinking about growing old with yuuji, who proposes on a random tuesday, down on one knee in your living room with a ring he’d clearly saved up for for months.
thinking about growing old with yuuji, who cries bittersweet tears at your wedding. it’s a small, very private affair, consisting of everyone who survived sukuna. when you kiss as husband and wife, yuuji holds you so tight you can barely breathe
thinking about growing old with yuuji, who isn’t really growing any older, any weaker. who watches you age until you look old enough to be his mother, his grandmother. your hair turns silver, your hands spotted with age, your movements slow.
thinking about growing old with yuuji, who traces your wrinkles and refuses to leave you despite how weird and disorienting it is for you to see your husband look like a teenager while you’re geriatric. who still thinks you’re just as beautiful as you were the day he met you.
thinking about growing old with yuuji, who hates how far you’ve grown apart. separate rooms. separate beds. separate lives. not because you don’t love him—you do, so much—but because it hurts too much to wake up next to someone who doesn’t age while your body fails you day by day.
thinking about growing old with yuuji, whose heart is beyond shattered when he realizes he’s going to be alone some day. so he leaves —because he thinks it’s easier for you, less confusing for your foggy brain — without saying goodbye. pressing a kiss to the wrinkled skin of your forehead. leaving a letter on your nightstand. gone with the moon.
thinking about growing old with yuuji, who only returns after you succumb to old age and a broken heart. whose grief is exacerbated when he sees his kids who look so much older than him.
thinking about yuuji, who leaves orchids by your grave every week. who sits in solitude, weeping. it’s the first time he experiences what the rest of his miserable life is going to be like. he’s going to be alone forever. your son and daughter will die eventually. and he’ll be left in solitude to mourn you forever. with the same face, year after year, like time has simply stopped considering him worth touching.
thinking about yuuji, who can’t bring himself to look at your children, with wrinkles of their own, with children of their own, and eyes full of pity so thick it chokes him.
thinking about yuuji, who watches his reflection in shop windows, in puddles after rain, in the polished surface of your headstone. forever fifteen. forever the boy who confessed with shaking hands and a voice that cracked on your name. he traces the faint scars on his face and wonders if this is his punishment. not the screaming in his head, not the blood on his hands, but this eternal youth where he’s forced to watch everything he loves turns to dust.
thinking about yuuji, who’s slowly starting to struggle to remember your face. to remember what your voice sounded like. to remember your touch. and finds himself wishing he’d never told you how he felt in the first place.
streamer!toji’s chat flames until his secret girlfriend appears on his live
ac: Zaradrawings77 (twt)
“Why’s your apartment the size of my bedroom?” Toji read the comment section in disbelief and huffed in annoyance.
“Worry about your damn self brokey.” He fired back, eyes darting back to his monitor.
bumjino1hater: boy who you calling broke with your overly due rent
Seconds later, an automated voice read out “chosopegger3000 sent $500. message: we know you been streaming more cus you bout to get evicted, keep the change.”
“Thank you chosopegger3000 for the donation and to answer you all, I am perfectly financially stable.” He defended himself through gritted teeth, beginning to click his mouse more aggressively.
His focus shifted back to the game he was playing, tomodachi life.
Jude Bellingham had rejected his heart for the third time in a row and kept following Lebron James around like a lost puppy.
The screen suddenly turned pitch black for a moment before the setting changed to a diner.
Jude was sitting at the end of a booth by himself at the back of the restaurant, silently eating his burger until Toji’s mii rushed through the door.
The avatar’s eyes animatedly searched around the room for the mysterious footballer, soon enough he was spotted.
He quickly moved his tiny legs over to the table. His character was hunched over, holding his knees as he caught his breath before grabbing Jude’s attention.
He slowly turned his head after taking notice of Toji beside the table.
His avatar used this opportunity to confess his love for the star player. “ . . . Bellingham-senpai, I need to tell you something important.”
The mii motioned for him to continue.
“Well.. I-I…really like you. I’ve had feelings for you ever since I first saw you, please go out with me!” His character nervously admitted, squinting his eyes and lowering his head in embarrassment.
There was a long pause before the footballer’s mii responded. “. .Sorry, I can’t reciprocate these feelings at the moment, I’m just trying to focus on my career with real madrid right now.”
The shock was evident on Toji’s mii who kept blinking profusely while standing still as a rock.
While the devastated mii was still recovering from the rejection, an unexpected character appeared out of nowhere.
t0jitoe: HELPPP is that flippin sasuke??😭
Just then, Sasuke Uchiha teleported into the building with a poof, standing close to the entrance doors waiting.
Unbeknownst to Toji, he started to creep up behind and stopped just to dramatically fling him off screen.
He stood before Jude Bellingham now on some nonchalant shit, “Hold it right there, I’m the one that truly loves Jude.”
There was another long pause as his avatar waited for Sasuke to continue.
“I can treat you way better than that bum, say yes?” He finished off, his eyes trained on him with determination.
Toji’s mii swiftly ran back to the table, eyes darting between the two for a moment. “No ! I can treat you better.” He argued back, attempting to shove sasuke but failing and tripping onto the floor in the process.
“Who will you choose?” Both of the miis demanded, glancing at the footballer expectantly.
He paused for a moment before responding, “…Well I…I’ve always thought sasuke was really cool.”
Immediately after his answer, a cutscene flashed across the screen of Jude Bellingham and Sasuke holding hands while skipping towards the sunset.
Then the camera panned backwards to Toji’s mii on his knees with his hands covering his face.
Scene cut.
“Yo why the FUCK did Sasuke steal my goat Bellingham, that wasn’t how it was supposed to go??” He slammed his palm on his desk and shoved his headphones off in irritation.
mahoragahelpmedude: why u getting this mad over another man, gay ash
He glanced at the comment, not even bothering to respond.
“Alright guys, that’s it for today’s stream-” He paused his sentence when he heard the door to his office creak open, his eyes darted behind him.
“Baby? you weren’t answering the door so I just used my key.” Your soft voice filled the room and immediately, his chat started overflowing with a barrage of questions.
t0jisevictionotice: hold up, who that in the back??? mahoragahelpmedude: wait so he’s not a bum?? infinitebands101: WHO is that?? cursedeater05: ???
“Oh sorry, didn’t realize you were still streaming, I’ll just come back later.” You swiftly apologized and tried to close the door.
“It’s alright, you can come in sweets.” He reassured you, motioning for you to come closer.
You padded inside hesitantly, opting to position yourself away from the camera’s view since his fans didn’t know of you two’s relationship yet.
“Wanna say hi to my chat?” He asked gently, silently searching for any hesitation on your face.
You nodded, slightly surprised. “Sure, if you don’t mind them finding out.”
“Nope, secret’s already out anyway.” He drawled before casually plopping you on his lap, catching you off guard and that elicited a pointed glare his way.
Your attention went back to the stream and you waved shyly, “Hi everyone, and yes I’m his girlfriend so please stop calling him a bum.” You confirmed as your pupils shifted across the incoming comments.
darealattacktitan: ouu shii👀👀👀 [replying to darealattacktitan] gumigumi: fym ouu shii✌🏼😭 infinitebands101: yall need a third? haha mahoragahelpmedude: this mf pulls??? cursedw0mb: I’m always here just incase he fumbles yk
He gripped your waist tighter, eyebrows furrowed as he read the chat. “I’m never fumbling her, trust me.”
You giggled as he placed a tender kiss to your cheek.
“That’s it for today’s stream guys, same time tomorrow?” He ended the live, diverting his undivided attention back to his beautiful girlfriend.
呪術廻戦 › nerd!jo will always put you first
SFW. fem!reader. very self indulgent fluff. college au. ✶
it’s 2:34 in the morning, and the only light in your dorm room comes from your glowing laptop screen. your history paper, a fifteen-page monstrosity on the socioeconomic impact of the second world war, is due at 8:00 am. you’ve been surviving on a combination of caffeine and sour candy for the past six hours, and you can feel the exhaustion settling deep into your bones
you’re typing the topic sentence of your conclusion, when without warning, without so much as a flicker, your screen goes completely black and the low hum of the fan ceases. your heart hammers against your ribs, a beat of pure panic. no. no, no, no.
you spam the spacebar. nothing. you mash the power button, holding it down until your finger aches, then releasing it and pressing it again. nothing.
you try every combination of keys you can think of, hands trembling so badly you can barely type. nothing. the screen remains a void mirror that reflects your own, tear-streaked face back at you. the document. your sources. hours of work. . . gone.
a choked sob escapes your throat. tears spill over your waterline, blurring your vision until the dark screen is just a smear of nothingness. you can feel the panic building in your chest, squeezing the air from your lungs.
your roommate, shoko, is dead asleep across the room, her soft snores the only sound breaking the suffocating silence. you can’t wake her up. you can’t bother anyone with this. with the sole exception of satoru gojo, of course.
with trembling fingers, you grab your phone and pull up his contact. thumb hovering over your keyboard.
it’s almost three in the morning. satoru is meticulous about his sleep schedule. he needs his eight hours or he’s insufferable and cranky all day. and he has his biochem final today. you can’t. you shouldn’t.
but the thought of starting over from scratch, of facing this alone, is more than you can bear.
toru i’m gonna cry
[ 02:36 am ]
you stare at the words you’ve typed up, they’re so dramatic and unserious but you send them anyway.
i hate my fucking chungus life
[ 02:36 am ]
three little dots appear before you can even wipe the fresh tears from your cheeks.
toruuu ❤︎ :
What’s wrong baby?
[ 02:36 am ]
the simple text is enough to make another sob wrack your body. you type out a response, your fingers slipping on the screen.
my laptop isn’t working
i was working on my history paper
AND THE SCREEN WENT BLACK
[ 02:38 am ]
toruuu ❤︎ :
Everything’s going to be okay
Did you try restarting it?
[ 02:38 am ]
his calm, logical response is simultaneously comforting and annoying. of course you tried restarting it.
mhmm
i tried like six times it’s not working
idk what else to do
[ 02:40 am ]
toruuu ❤︎ :
Okay. I’ll come take a look at it
Give me a few minutes
[ 02:40 am ]
you’re sniffling quietly, trying to muffle the sound in your palm so you don’t wake shoko up. you feel so helpless, so stupid for not saving your work to the cloud more often.
ilysm you’re the best ❤︎
[ 02:40 am ]
toruuu ❤︎ :
I love you most Princess
Hang in there
[ 02:40 am ]
true to his word your phone buzzes again, eight minutes later
toruuu ❤︎ :
I’m here
[ 02:48 am ]
you slip out of bed, socked feet making little to no sound on the cold linoleum floor. you crack open the door just enough to see him standing in the dim hallway, a silhouette of messy white hair. he looks exhausted, eyes hazy with traces of sleep, hair sticking up at odd angles. his expression softens when he sees you
he steps inside, closing the door quietly behind him, and his arms are immediately around you, pulling you into a warm embrace. he smells like patchouli dreams and his clean laundry detergent. his large hand comes up to cup the back of your head, fingers smoothing over your hair as he presses a featherlight kiss to your forehead.
“shhh, hey, none of that,” he murmurs, wiping at the tears on your cheeks with his thumb. “it’s just a computer. we’ll figure it out.”
you nod into his chest, “i’m sorry i woke you up ‘toru.”
he just shakes his head, pulling back to look at you. “don’t be silly. you know i’d rather be awake with you than asleep without you.” he gestures with his chin towards your desk. “let me take a look at it”
you lead him to your desk, where your macbook sits. a 2017 pro with the glowy touchbar, decorated by a myriad of stickers from your favorite bands and cartoons. you can’t imagine parting with it.
satoru sets his own laptop bag down on your bed. the one he uses for gaming, a beast of a machine that he treats like his firstborn child. “here,” he says, unzipping it and pulling out the sleek laptop. “you can use mine to finish your paper. i’ll see what i can do.”
you want to protest, but he’s already booting it up. the screen lights up, and you can’t help but smile through your tears.
his lockscreen is a picture of you, fast asleep on his shoulder. he has dozens of widgets centered around you — your wishlist, your shared calendar, one that says ‘days since i last told my princess i love her: 0’. he types in the password ( your birthday, of course ) and hands it to you.
“try and finish your paper baby,” he says softly, already turning his attention to your dead laptop. “i’ve got this”
you settle on your bed, pulling the heavy laptop onto your thighs. you can hear satoru muttering quietly to himself as he gets to work. you sign into your microsoft account and pull up your most recent cloud backup to find that you’ve only lost the last few paragraphs. it’s salvageable.
you’re still sniffling occasionally and every time you do, satoru glances over at you, brows furrowed in concentration. “you okay over there?” he asks after a few minutes.
“yeah,” you murmur, not looking up from the screen. “i’m okay.”
he works in silence for a while longer. you can hear him humming to himself, technical nerdy stuff that flies completely over your head. “flex cable . . . backlight. . hinge.” he examines every port, every seam, long fingers moving delicately
finally, he lets out a long, heavy sigh. “oh, baby,” he exhales, and his tone is so full of pity your stomach drops. “i’m so sorry.”
“what?” you look up from his laptop, your heart starting to pound again. “can’t you fix it toru? you fix everything.”
he shakes his head slowly, “come here, look at this.”
you get up and move to stand behind him, peering over his shoulder at your laptop. he opens the lid just a tiny crack, a couple inches wide. for a split second, the screen flickers to life. you can see your desktop background, a picture of the two of you at the beach, and the thin sliver of light from the screen illuminates his face. then, as he slowly opens the lid further, the light sputters and dies, plunging the screen back into darkness.
“see?” he frowns quietly, closing it again. “your lcd cables are all shredded. they run through the hinge and over time they break. it’s a super common issue with this model.”
“no clue what any of that means,” your voice quavers, “can you replace it?”
“i mean, yeah, i can,” he says, leaning back in your desk chair and running a hand through his already messy hair. “it’s just . . it’s a risky repair. i’ll have to order the parts, and even then it’s a crapshoot. if i mess it up, i could damage the logic board, and then it’s really gone”
“so what do we do?” you whisper, feeling the panic start to creep back in.
he looks at you for a long moment, blue eyes heavy lidded and drowsy. “i can order the new cable and try the repair. if it doesn’t work. . .” he hums, trailing off as he considers the options, “i’ve backed up your macbook so i can transfer all your files to a new one.”
“i’m not buying a new one ‘toru,” you sigh, the thought of the expense makes your head spin even more than the lack of sleep.
a slow smile spreads across his face. the look he gets right before he does something completely unnecessary, all in the name of ‘taking care of you.’ “who said anything about you buying it?”
“you can’t just buy me a new macbook, satoru,” you scoff, your voice firm even as your heart does a little flip
“can’t i?” he raises a brow, leaning forward in the chair. “why not?”
“because it’s too much even for you! i can’t ask you to do that”
“it’s a good thing you didn’t ask then,” he shrugs, gently closing your broken laptop for good and setting it aside on the desk. he stretches as he clambers to his feet. padding over to the edge of your bed and patting his lap. “come here.”
you hesitate for a second before obliging. he wraps his arms around your waist, pulling you flush against his chest and burying his face in the crook of your neck. his breath is warm against your skin and you can feel the steady beat of his heart against your back.
“how much of your paper do you have left?” he murmurs against your skin.
“almost done writing my conclusion,” you sigh, leaning your head back against his shoulder. “it’s probably not even that good.”
“don’t say that,” satoru tuts, giving you a gentle squeeze. “none of that self-deprecating stuff tonight. you’re brilliant and you know it.”
“i guess” you sigh, skimming through your body paragraphs
he shifts, maneuvering you both until you’re situated more comfortably on your bed. he’s propped up against the headboard with you nestled between his legs, your back to his chest. he places a tender kiss on your shoulder.
“you’re on the dean’s list for a reason,” he says quietly “finish up your paper. i’ll stay up with you.”
with him soothing you like this, the panic in your veins finally subsides. you type the last few sentences of your conclusion. you proofread your essay once, twice, then format the bibliography.
when you finally hit ‘submit’ on the university portal at 3:29 you let your head fall back against satoru’s shoulder with a soft thud.
“done?” he asks, voice thick with sleep. “done,” you sigh.
“so proud of you” he smiles, pressing another kiss to your shoulder. “time for bed, then.”
he gently takes the computer from your lap and sets it on the floor, then shifts you both down until you’re lying properly under the sheets. he doesn’t even try to walk back to his own dorm. he just pulls you into his arms, tucking your head under his chin to keep you close.
“toru?” you whisper into the darkness. “hm?” he murmurs sleepily
“thank you. for everything.” he just holds you tighter, his hand rubbing soothing circles on your back. “any time, princess.”
you know he’ll probably scold you for staying up so late in the morning but he’ll also make you matcha and help you look for a new macbook. one with the same specs as your now useless one.
you fall asleep knowing that this is just one of many nights. that there will be other disasters that feel like the end of the world. but you also know that satoru will always be a text away.
synopsis: eren's communication skills (or the lack thereof) might cause him to lose the one person he cares about most.
contents: fratboy!eren x reader, college au, bestfriends to lovers, drunk love confessions, angst (i think)
“IF YOU’RE NOT A BROTHER, OR FUCKING A BROTHER, GET OUTTT” eren screamed, from the top of the drinks table.
“guess im out then,” you sigh.
“hey, not you,” he says, hopping down from the table, “you agreed to help clean up.”
“you didn’t tell me half the college will be in attendance,” you roll your eyes.
“did you forget every party i’ve held, lady? when are they not?”
“why do you have to clean up tonight? can’t this wait?”
“the RA has been on our asses about our messes, just help me out, please?” he says while making the worst attempt at puppy dog eyes you’ve ever seen.
“fine,” you switch on the lights as the room clears out.
“uh the guys left too,” you say, grabbing a trash bag “everyone did actually.”
“well i said brothers, and if you’re fucking a brother so..” picking up the crushed up red plastic cups, “its not too hard to infer what they might be up to.”
“how come you’re still here then? i swear i saw juliana somewhere around.”
“juliana and i broke up ages ago,” he scoffs, you give him a look, “well about two hours ago.”
“how come?” you say, trying to identify the mysterious slimy substance on the sofa
“i dunno, she got mad out of nowhere,” you give him another look, “okay fine, i made a pass at this other chick in front of her.”
“EREN?”
“its not like we were official or anything, she's taking it too personally,”
“no she isn’t, even if you guys are just casual that's a shitty thing to do,”
“i don’t need shit from you right now too. plus, it’s not like i hooked up with her,”
“and why is that?”
“..her boyfriend showed up,” he admitted sheepishly
“EREN.” hitting him with your trash bag
“whattt? she didn’t mention,” he said, laughing it off.
── .✦
you slump down on the couch, as eren throws out the last trash bag.
“are you staying the night or heading back?” he says, joining you on the couch
“i should probably go,”
“its 4am, you sure you don’t want to stay the night?”
“where are the rest of the guys?” you ask, just realising no one has walked through that door yet.
“i don’t know actually,” he responds, laying further back on the couch, “most of them are probably staying over at their girls’, but i swear connie said he’d be back,” his eyes are now closed, already half asleep.
“i dont really know how i feel about spending the night in a frat house,” you push yourself to your feet, covering your mouth as you yawn. you feel a hand grab yours.
“don’t gooo, i mean it, its really late, and i really dont feel like walking you back.” he gets whiny when he’s sleepy.
“you don’t need to, i got it,” you say, releasing yourself from his grip. next thing you know, you feel his arms wrap around your waist, pulling you back onto the couch. “don’t go,” his eyes are still closed, as he holds on to you just a bit tighter, “i mean it.” he nuzzles his head on your shoulder, and before you know it, the room is filled with his quiet snores. he looked calm, soft even. he didn’t look like the rowdy party machine people saw him as, and with that thought, you finally call it a night.
── .✦
things were not the same anymore, almost like the air had changed
the first thing you noticed was the random favours.
ping
Jeager💣: wya
You: why?
Jeager💣: i stopped by the cafe and got you that new pastry you wanted to try
You: oh shit you remembered?
Jeager💣: yea the chocolate one
you stared at your phone a second longer than necessary.
You: wow. is this growth
You: should i alert the frat?
the typing bubble popped up immediately. disappeared. came back.
Jeager💣: shut up
Jeager💣: just answer the question
the two of you spent the next hour on a random park bench, while you talked about how good the pastry was.
── .✦
which leads to the next thing you noticed; he started showing up. unannounced and uninvited
you were sprawled across your bed, half-focused on an assignment, when your door swung open like he owned the place.
“you left it unlocked,” eren said, already kicking off his shoes.
he dropped onto your bed beside you like it was routine, which at this point, it was.
“you working?” he asked, leaning over to glance at your laptop.
“unfortunately.”
“looks boring.”
“it is.”
he didn’t leave, which was new. usually, eren had the attention span of a goldfish, he’d pop in, say something annoying, steal your snacks, and disappear back into whatever chaos he came from.
but now he just… stayed.
scrolling through his phone, nudging your foot with his. existing in your space like it was the most natural thing in the world.
“you’re being weird,” you muttered after a while.
“i’m literally not doing anything.”
“exactly.” you say, finally closing your laptop.
he let out a quiet laugh, but when you glanced at him, he was already looking at you. not in the usual quick, careless way. something heavier, lingering.
you frowned. “what?”
“nothing.” he replied a beat too quick.
you held his gaze for a second longer, like you were trying to figure something out. he looked away first.
also new.
── .✦
he also started finding any excuse to have your attention
“hey.”
you looked up from your phone. “what?”
eren was leaning against the kitchen counter at some random get-together, red cup in hand, watching you from across the room.
“c’mere.” a relatively innocent smile on his face.
you raised a brow. “you’re five feet away.”
“yeah,” he said, not moving. “still. come here.”
there was something in his tone. you walked over anyway.
“what?” you asked again.
for a second, he didn’t answer. just looked at you like he was checking something, like he needed to make sure you were actually there.
then he handed you his drink.
“try this. it’s not terrible.”
you took it slowly. “that’s a horrible review, especially because i know you can’t make cocktails to save your life”
“just drink it.”
you did. it was, in fact, terrible. you made a face. “EREN”
he laughed, quick and genuine, eyes crinkling slightly at the corners, and before you could think too hard about it, his hand came up, brief, almost absentminded, and brushed against your wrist. not enough to be obvious, but too intentional to be nothing.
“how do you know jean?” eren asked, too casually.
you glanced over your shoulder, looking back at jean who was smiling at you, “he’s in my design class.”
“you guys talking or something?”
“who wants to know?”
eren hummed. “he’s annoying.”
“you barely talk to him.”
“don’t need to.”
you narrowed your eyes. “why are you being like this?”
“like what?”
“like…” you gestured vaguely at him. “this.”
he scoffed. “you’re imagining things.”
“am i?”
“yeah.” but his jaw tightened slightly.
does eren jeager like you? it was weird, you couldn’t think of him like that, you know how he was with girls, but this felt different.
it started becoming a problem when you realized how aware you were of him. not just when he walked into a room but when he was close
like now.
“hold still,” you said, trying to keep your voice normal.
eren was sitting on the edge of your bed, leaning forward slightly while you stood between his knees, dabbing at the cut on his lip with a cotton pad. he managed to fall down the stairs on his way to a class he was late for
“it’s not that bad,” he muttered.
“the last time you said that, it was about your ankle, and you couldn’t walk for two days.”
“that was different.”
“you fell down a staircase.”
“i slipped.”
“you were drunk.”
he huffed, but didn’t argue further.
your fingers tilted his chin up a little, more out of habit than anything, and that’s when it hit you.
how comfortable you two had gotten with eachother. you’d always been close to eren. that wasn’t new. but this felt different.
his hands rested on either side of him on the mattress, but you could feel the tension in them, like he didn’t know where to put them.
like he was thinking about it too.
“stop moving,” you murmured, softer this time.
“i’m not moving.”
“you just did.”
“i breathed.”
you roll your eyes, but your grip on his chin tightened slightly to steady him, and suddenly you were hyper-aware of everything. the way his eyes weren’t on your hands anymore. they were on your face. your lips to be specific
you swallowed. “you’re staring.”
“so are you.”
“i’m literally cleaning your injury.”
“yeah,” he said quietly. “and?”
your hand stilled for half a second too long.
you pulled back first.
“okay. you’re done.”
“that’s it?” he asked, almost disappointed.
“what, you want a bandage and a sticker too?”
“maybe.”
you snorted, turning away to toss the cotton pad. “you’re insufferable.”
but when you moved, he caught your wrist again.
not rough. not joking. just… there. you froze.
“eren”
“wait.”
your heart picked up for no good reason. he didn’t let go immediately. his thumb shifted slightly against your wrist, like he didn’t even realize he was doing it. or like he realized it too much.
“you didn’t answer me earlier,” he said.
“about what?”
“jean.”
you exhaled, half annoyed, half something else. “why do you care?”
his grip tightened just a little. “i don’t.”
you raised a brow. “then let go.” he didn’t.
for a second, neither of you moved, the air felt heavier, like the room had shrunk around you.
“eren.” your voice came out quieter than you intended.
his eyes flicked down to your lips again. that same look. slowly, like it took actual effort, he let your wrist go.
“whatever,” he muttered, leaning back like nothing had happened, almost dismissive.
you stared at him.
“you’re unbelievable.”
“yeah?” he said, running a hand through his hair, not meeting your eyes. “i know.”
── .✦
later, you’d tell yourself it didn’t mean anything. that this was just eren being eren. but that didn’t explain why your wrist still felt warm, or why, when you laid in bed that night, all you could think about was how easily he could’ve pulled you closer, but didn’t. why does it even bother you so much?
have you fallen for eren jeager?
you always thought you were immune of his ‘charm’ that had all the girls wrapped around his fingers, but suddenly every moment was replaying in your head. you’d seen how he was with other girls, this wasn’t it.
the next time you caught your own reflection, it was on its way to one of his parties. you hadn’t really talked to him much in the past few days. in fact, you didn’t even hear about the party from him, but you chalked it up to him being busy.
all that optimism drained away the second you walked into the function. the first thing you noticed was eren standing by the drinks table, talking to someone, with his hand on the small of juliana’s back like it was the most natural thing in the world. suddenly, the music felt too loud, overlapping with everyone’s voices. the lights felt weirdly bright; you swore you could feel them on your skin. despite your better judgment, you made your way to the drinks table. you saw eren glance over at you in your peripheral vision, but he kept talking like he didn’t notice you, his hand still on juliana’s back. if anything, you thought he pulled her a bit closer.
was he mad at you? but why? because of jean? whatever it was, you weren’t going to let it bother you. the last thing a boy like eren was going to do was ruin your night.
oh, but bother you it did. you weren’t even done with your first drink, and the lights were already too colourful for your liking. you couldn’t tell what ticked you off more: the shitty playlist playing, or the ever-growing pit in your stomach. but it wasn’t all bad, the frat had quite the collection of drinks. if anything, this was all a wake-up call. you knew how eren was; could you really blame him? you can’t just expect the boy to change overnight, especially not because of you. you got to experience what it’s like to be “one of his girls” (just without the physical part); you were nothing but a distraction. you decided that tonight, you were going to let yourself be reckless.
you spent the night dancing and playing eye tag with the rest of the frat. with the exception of the occasional distasteful eye contact with eren, parties are a lot more fun when you know you’re not cleaning up after.
jean found you back at the drinks table. not because you wanted your fifth drink of the night, but because that was the first place you could navigate yourself to after checking the time on your phone while giving out your instagram to, like, the sixth guy.
“yea you’re messed up,” he says, leaning on the closest wall.
“i know.”
he watches as you try to recall where you kept your phone
“it’s in your hand by the way,” he points out as he finally walks up to you.
“oh thanks,” you laugh too, as you raise your phone to check the time “oh shit i should really get going.”
“hope you’re not planning to walk back in your condition.”
you look back at him, slightly offended by the comment, but realise he’s not really wrong
“i guess i should probably call my uber,” squinting at your phone screen again.
“i can drop you hope if you want. my car’s parked outside, and i didn’t drink at all tonight,” smiling like he just won something
“nah its alright, i’ll just book an uber,”
“are you sure, i-” he stepped closer, but before he could finish his sentence, an arm came up from behind you pushing his shoulder. you look back, and it’s none other than eren.
“i believe she said she’s fine,” he said coldly.
“yo eren what the fuck,” you look back at him
“i’m trying to get him to leave you alone”
“did i say i want to be left alone? he was just looking out for me”
“looking out for you?” he scoffed “he’s been following you around like a damn dog.”
“he’s not following me,” you snap, words coming out quicker than you can filter them. “maybe you’re just finally noticing other people for the first time tonight.”
his jaw tightens. “what’s that supposed to mean?”
you let out a short, breathy laugh, the alcohol making everything feel sharper, louder. “don’t play dumb, eren. you’ve been glued to juliana all night.”
“and?” he shrugs.
“and nothing,” you say, even though it’s obviously not nothing. “you can do whatever you want, right? that’s kind of your thing.”
jean shifts awkwardly beside you, glancing between the two of you. “alright, i’m just gonna..”
“stay,” eren cuts in, eyes still locked on yours. “since you care so much about her.”
“eren, seriously”
“no, i wanna hear this,” he says, voice low, controlled in a way that only makes it worse. “you’ve been acting weird all night.”
“i’m acting weird?” you laugh again, louder this time. people are looking, some even have their phones out. “you didn’t even tell me about this party.”
“i didn’t think i had to invite you to something you already show up to,”
“wow,” you blink at him. “that’s actually insane.”
“what’s insane is you acting like you care,” he says. “weren’t you just handing out your instagram to, what, half the guys here?”
“at least i’m honest about it,” you fire back, stepping closer to him. “i’m not the one pretending like any of this means something. you and julianna have been on and off for literal months because you’ve been too much of a coward to put a label on it.”
his expression flickers, something angry and ugly surfacing. “and how the fuck does that effect you?”
“maybe it doesn’t,” you say, even though your chest feels tight. “maybe i’m just having fun.”
there’s a beat of silence. the music pounds around you, bass vibrating through your ribs. who even made this playlist?
eren lets out a harsh laugh, shaking his head. “right. so that’s what this is?”
“what?”
“you acting out,” he gestures vaguely at you. “getting wasted, flirting with everyone, trying to prove a point?”
“i’m not trying to prove anything,” you say, voice rising. “i’m just doing what you do.”
“don’t compare yourself to me,” he snaps.
“why not?” you challenge. “because i’m supposed to sit around and keep you in check? because only eren jeager is allowed to act like this?”
his eyes darken. “no, because i don’t go around throwing myself at anyone who looks at me for two seconds.”
you glare at him, the noise around you suddenly dull, like everything’s underwater. “what did you just say?”
but he’s already too far gone, too angry to pull it back. “you heard me,” voice sharp. “you’re acting like a fucking slut.”
that was it, the final straw. that was all you needed to hear to really let go.
“you know what, fuck you eren, enjoy your night,” you say, pushing through the crowd of people that had surrounded the two of you, jean holding the door open as you grabbed your jacket.
── .✦
the following weeks felt weird, eren tried talking to you a few times after that night, catching you after class, texting you half-assed apologies that never really sounded like him. every conversation turned into an argument anyway, circling back to the same thing, over and over. you weren’t even that mad about him shoving jean, it was more about what he said, or more importantly how easily he said it. after a while, you stopped replying. stopped looking for him in rooms. eventually, he stopped trying too. you hadn’t heard from eren in days. not from jean either, which almost felt weirder.
unfortunately, everyone else had plenty to say.
what started as a messy argument at a party turned into a full-blown story, passed around in fragments and exaggerations. people stared a little too long, whispered a little too loudly. you started skipping parties altogether, keeping your head down, waiting for it to blow over.
but eren?
eren didn’t slow down. if anything, he got worse.
you barely saw him in class anymore. what you did see were pictures. him at some frat party almost every night. different girls, different rooms, same careless grin. juliana seemed to be pretty active too actually, just not in the same spots as eren, maybe she finally left him for good.
you told yourself it didn’t bother you. you got pretty good at pretending.
but it wasn’t just the fact that he seemed fine without you. it was the way he was acting like none of it mattered, like he didn’t care about anything he used to complain about. he’d told you, more than once, how much he hated being seen as some reckless, spoiled party guy. and now he was leaning into it.
one friday night, you were up on your phone scrolling through people's stories when you got a call from connie. you didn’t even know he had your number, but you picked up anyway. he sounded frantic, too loud, too rushed, like he was pacing. asking if you’d seen eren, if you’d heard from him.
“he just, he disappeared,” connie said. “like, one minute he was here and then, i don’t know, he’s gone.”
you frowned, sitting up a little straighter. he wasn’t the type to just wander off when he was drunk, at first you just assumed he was at juliana’s but then you got another call. and another. and a few texts too, one notification after the other.
just then you heard something at the door. a thump. once, then again, louder this time, like someone missed the handle completely. something inside you just knows it’s him.
and just as if it was on queue, “h-hey, open up.”
confirmation.
his voice is rough, slurred around the edges, like the words are tripping over each other on the way out. you hesitate for half a second too long, hand hovering over the knob, because you already know this isn’t going to be simple, but you open the door anyway.
he’s leaning against the frame like it’s the only thing keeping him upright. hair a mess, jacket half off one shoulder, eyes glassy and too bright. there’s a faint smear on his jeans, and he reeks of alcohol.
for a second, neither of you say anything.
his gaze locks onto you like he’s been looking for you for weeks.
“...there you are,” he smiles, like it’s a relief. like you’re something he almost lost.
“eren, you’re drunk.”
“yeah,” he says immediately, nodding once like that settles everything. “yeah, i know.”
he doesn’t move. just stands there, staring at you like he’s trying to memorize your face.
“you shouldn’t be here,” you add.
“yeah,” he smiles, looking down “i know, but where should i be?” he gestures vaguely behind him, almost losing his balance in the process. “at some party? with people i don’t even fuck with?” a pause, “did that. been doing that.”
“then go back.”
“don’t say that. i didn’t know where else to go,” he’s quieter now, “i tried not to come here, you know? i really did.” he huffs out a breath, shaking his head. “but you’re always the place i end up at.”
there’s an awkward silence
“you’ve been avoiding me,” he says finally.
you cross your arms. “we just haven’t talked.”
“that’s not the same thing.”
“it kinda is.”
“no,” he shakes his head, slow and stubborn. “it’s not. you’ve been..” he stops, frustrated, dragging a hand through his hair. “different.”
“people get busy.”
“yeah?” he mutters. “that’s what this is?”
you don’t answer.
“and this had nothing to do with jean?”
“that too, but that wasn’t the only thing that happened that night.”
“…i messed up,” he admits. “i keep doing that lately, saying the wrong shit. not saying anything when i really, really should.” he huffs out a breath. “i didn’t think it’d end up like this, though.”
“like what?” you ask
“you not talking to me at all.”
you look away. “it’s whatever,”
“don’t do that,” he whines “don’t act like this doesn’t matter.” his voice tightens just a little. “it matters to me.”
you stay quiet as he exhales, slower this time, like he’s trying to keep himself steady.
“i thought you were into him, and int he midst of the alcohol, and juliana and everything else, i got carried away and said something i shouldn’t have.” he admits after a moment, words slurring slightly at the edges. “not because they hurt you, but because they weren’t true.”
your stomach twists, you consider shutting the door on him. “It’s okay, i know you don’t mean it.” your face stays composed. “and as far as jean and i go, we’re friends.”
“yeah,” he mutters. “that’s what it looked like.” there’s something bitter there, but it fades quickly.
“i didn’t know what to do with that,” he continues. “you weren’t… you weren’t looking at me the same way anymore. so i just..” he shrugs, sloppy. “did whatever. didn’t think.”
you don’t comment, because you did look at him differently, just not in the way he thought.
“when i saw you with him,” he’s rambling now, but you weren’t complaining “it just.. got under my skin” another pause “more than it should’ve.”
“you overreacted,” you say
“i know i did,” he says, matching your gaze “i was pissed and i didn’t even know why. not really.”
he took a step closer, careful, like he’s testing how far he can go before you shut him out completely.
“i think i do now, though.”
you glance at him, wary. “oh yeah?”
“yeah.” another pause “i love you.”
everything in you goes still. he doesn’t laugh it off, and he doesn’t take it back.
if anything, he looks more certain the longer the silence stretches.
“I didn’t get it at first,” he continues, voice lower now, steadier despite the alcohol. “i just knew i didn’t like seeing you with him. or… not talking to me. or not looking at me.” he swallows. “felt like i was losing something i didn’t even realize i had.”
your heart is pounding.
“you don’t get to just show up drunk and say that,” you manage.
“i know,” he says immediately. “i know it sounds like bullshit right now.”
“it does.”
“that’s fair, especially considering how i usually am with girls”
the honesty throws you off. he drags a hand down his face, frustrated with himself. “i just- if i waited until i was sober, i probably wouldn’t say it at all.” his gaze flicks back to yours. “at least like this, it’s… real.”
it does feel real. that’s the problem.
you swallow hard. “why are you telling me this?”
“because i can’t stand this,” he says, almost sharply. “us not talking. you acting like i’m just some guy you used to know.” his voice drops. “i’d rather you cuss me out than this.”
you shake your head slightly. “you made things weird, eren.”
“i know.”
“and you don’t get to fix it in one night.”
“i’m not trying to,” he says quickly. “i just needed you to know.” his eyes soften, just a little.
“even if nothing changes,” he adds. there’s a pause for a moment, he’s studying your face again “but i sure as hell hope this does the trick”
he pulls you into a kiss, like he’s been holding it back for too long. your breath catches, but you don’t pull away. if anything, you lean closer, and for a second the world narrows to just that feeling, until he finally eases back.
the two of you just stand there in the silence for a moment, letting yourself revel in the feeling, while he has the dumbest smile on his face
“…you’re and idiot,” you mutter.
“so you’ve mentioned”
you hesitate, then sigh, stepping back from the doorway.
“you can come in. you look like you’re about to fall over.”
relief flickers across his face “i think i am,” he walks past you, slumping onto your couch as you walk over behind him, taking a seat right beside
“and for the record, i’d do it sober,” he says, wrapping his hands around you once more, leaning on you in a familiar way you hope you never forget.
synopsis: suguru has his mind made up, but you can't let him go down this path, or at least not without saying goodbye .ᐟ
contents: hidden inventory arc suguru x reader, angst!, angry love confession (ish). sashisu dynamics, canon adjacent
the first sign they’re back is the noise.
“you’re exaggerating,” satoru says, voice carrying long before he does.
“i’m not,” suguru replies, “you didn’t need to bring the entire wall down.”
“it was already falling.”
“it wasn’t.”
you don’t look up from where you’re sitting. across from you, shoko doesn’t bother hiding her sigh.
“sixty-seven minutes,” shoko mutters. “that’s how long it’s been quiet.”
you let out a small smile, as they round the corner. satoru looks exactly how you’d expect. uniform slightly out of place, expression bright, like whatever just happened was more entertaining than exhausting. suguru emerges from behind him, composed as always.
“you’re late,” you call.
“awww, what’s wrong, ladies? missed us?” satoru teases, as shoko rolls her eyes, “blame him,” jerking a thumb toward suguru. “he wanted to ‘handle it properly.’”
“i did handle it properly,” he snapped back
you try focusing on your work while the two bicker in the background.
soon, the bickering stopped, and suguru quietly took a seat beside you.
you tilt your head slightly. “bad one?”
he pauses, “not particularly,”
satoru butts in “it was easy.”
shoko snorts. “for you, everything’s easy.”
“exactly,” he replies. “glad you’re catching on.”
you barely hear him, you’re watching suguru.
there’s a brief moment where his gaze shifts not to you, not to any of you, but somewhere past, like he’s still half in it.
and just like that, it’s gone.
“did we miss anything?” he asks instead.
“nothing exciting,” you say. “shoko threatened to leave if you didn’t come back soon.”
“ah so nothing new,” he exhales softly, something closer to a real smile finally settling in. he shifts to sit closer to you, close enough that it feels familiar.
“you should’ve come,” he adds. “would’ve made it faster.” as shoko and satoru start arguing about something again, you tune them out as they fall back into it, leaning your head on suguru’s shoulder as their voices overlap in a weirdly comforting way.
“fine whatever, i’m not arguing with someone that looks like a genderbent elsa” shoko says,
“WHAT’S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN??” satoru snaps back, riling up a whole new argument
you let out a snort, glancing over at suguru.
he’s quiet again. not withdrawn, not distant, just… thinking.
“sure it was easy?” you ask, low enough that only he hears.
he looks at you.
for a second, you think he might say something real. something honest.
but then he smiled, small, practiced, “of course,” he says.
and because it’s him,
you let it go.
“alright,” you sigh, pushing yourself to your feet. “how about you two continue this over lunch, before satoru starts complaining again?”
“he already started,” shoko points out, heading to the door already.
suguru lingers for half a step before falling in beside you.
and by the time the four of you start walking, the moment has passed. ── .✦
by the time you’re outside, the air feels different.
satoru had peeled off halfway down the hall, still talking about food like he hadn’t just eaten, dragging shoko along with him despite her very clear lack of interest. their voices fade soon after, leaving you alone.
it had always been the four of you. the three of them were your getaway, your rock, your sanctuary. it always felt so easy with them.
more importantly, it had always been suguru. there is definitely something there, though neither of you would ever admit it, and between the lingering touches, and the comfortable silence, you really don’t have to, or at least that’s what you tell yourself.
you don’t slow down when you hear the footsteps catching up behind you; you don’t need to. a second later, he’s there, right beside you, like it’s something long decided. neither of you say anything at first, which wasn’t new between the two of you, but today, your thoughts are too loud.
you keep replaying it. small things, stupid things. subtle ways he looks at you, talks to you. it can’t be all in your head, right? It shouldn’t matter, but it does anyway.
“…you’re walking faster.”
you blink, glancing sideways at him.
“i’m not.”
“you are.”
“you’re imagining things.”
“i’m not.”
there’s no bite to it, just certainty.
“…even if i was, so what?”
suguru hums softly, like he’s considering that.
“nothing,” he says. “just means something’s bothering you.”
you let out a small sigh. “you don’t miss anything, do you?”
“not when it comes to you.”
the words land too easily. like they didn’t cost him anything to say. it can’t be all in your head, right?
you shake your head lightly, like you can brush it off. “it’s nothing serious.”
“no c’mon, lay it on me,” he said, genuine interest in his eyes.
that’s how it was with you two. genuine.
you consider telling him, really going off at him, but eventually decide to let it just fall silent.
“can i ask you something?” he finally says, realising you aren’t going to talk.
“mhm”
“is all of this worth it?” he finally said
“what?”
“you know,” he waves his hands around, “all of this. the exhaustion, the injuries, the weird hours, not to mention the taste.”
“i mean, yea i do think it’s worth it, we’re saving lives.”
“lives of people that don't even notice”
“lives of people that can’t even notice,” you correct him. this wasn’t the first time he was questioning it all; the two of you had spent hours late at night talking about anything, and everything, but this was the first time he seemed this riled up.
“that doesn’t justify it though,” he continues, “just because they can’t, we have to?”
“yes actually, you can protect yourself; they can’t.”
“they are the reason the curse exists, though? and what about the sorcerers that have died because of all of this?”
“is this about haibara?” you say without thinking, realising as it was coming out of your mouth.
he takes a moment,
“i can name countless.”
it fell silent again. the two of you had been walking circles around campus, but it was obvious it was time to go now.
“i’m tired of all this,” he said finally
“suguru, you don’t mean that, you just had a rough day,”
“i don’t say things i don’t mean.”
and that you belive, is the problem.
.' ── .✦
the following months, he was what you could only describe as off.
he’d still hang out with you guys, just quieter than usual, less bickering. suddenly, it was all different, moving away his hand if yours grazed it, avoiding eye contact when you’re laughing about something shoko said to satoru, getting up just a moment earlier to avoid walking with you.
at first you thought he was acting like this with everyone, but then you realised it was different with you.
it always was.
sure he was a bit more distant than usual with everyone, but it was almost like he was avoiding you.
you’ve had arguments before, and you’ve definitely said worse things to him, but you’d be fine within a week, there’s something else.
if there's one thing you know about suguru, it’s that he doesn’t open up easily. there’s nobody he’d easily vent to, with the sole exception of satoru gojo, of course. so when you got to the park bench you usually meet at, and didn’t see suguru, you saw your opportunity and took it.
“has he mentioned me?” you say, glaring at satoru for an answer, “like at all.”
“who?” he asks, not looking up from the caterpillar that he found,
“suguru.”
he finally looks up, “no, i dont think so. anything wrong?”
“i knew there was something off between you two,” shoko butts in
off.
“so he’s completely normal with you guys?” your attention now directed to shoko more than satoru
“i mean, he’s a bit more distant than usual, but it’s nothing new, you just don’t notice because,” she thinks for a moment, trying to pick the right word “well,” she didn’t find it, but you got what she meant, you were never really someone he’d ignore. “though i would say, he’s quieter than his usual, even for him.”
“did something happen?” satoru asks, finally losing interest in the caterpillar now that there’s potential drama. “trouble in paradise?” he grins.
you hesitate.
“it’s weird. we were talking the day you two went on that mission, the one i sat out. he said he feels like this isn’t worth it anymore. we were going back and forth and,” you pause, throat tightening slightly. “i brought up haibara.”
“oh.” they say, almost in unison. everybody knew how haibara’s death affected him, how long he spent resenting the superiors for their negligence.
“i know it was shitty of me, i want to apologise but this is the longest he’s given me the silent treatment. he has every right to be mad at me but i know this has to be more than just that.”
there’s silence again, and not a comfortable one.
“there’s no getting suguru to talk,” satoru says finally. “when he’s like this, even i cant get him to talk.”
“you might just have to wait it out,” shoko adds, “where is he right now anyway?”
“think i heard someone mention he was with tsukumo,” satoru replied, now looking for the caterpillar again.
“yuki tsukumo? do you know where?” maybe you can corner him.
“I know what you're thinking. forcing him to talk isn’t going to do you any good,” shoko says, almost as if she read your mind. “just be patient, he’ll come talk to you on his own eventually.”
you sigh, figuring she’s probably right. you take a seat right between them, trying to focus more on the moment than on the thoughts in your head.
── .✦
over two weeks later, and nothing had changed. in fact, they might have just gotten worse. he had stopped hanging out with the group altogether. running into him became a near-impossible feat. even missions he was assigned to, radio silence, leading to satoru, shoko, and you having to cover for him in front of the superiors. the whole situation had you fucked up in a way you couldn’t explain, like a chronic daze you couldn’t get out of.
it was a plain saturday morning, and you had just gotten to your ritual of wallowing in self-pity, something you had gotten quite good at, when you got a text.
‘we’re going to town, around shinjuku.’
it was from shoko. she wasn’t the most lively texter, but this wasn’t her usual tone either. just by looking at it, you knew this wasn’t just her informing you; it wasn’t an invite either, it was an order.
you get there a bit late, and are met with shoko lighting up a cigarette, pocketing the lighter as she watches you walk up to her.
“i talked to suguru,” she started, you just quietly stood beside her, “well, more like he talked to me.”
“where is he right now? and satoru, too.”
and as if you called it into existence, you saw satoru walking up to the two of you, except he wasn’t smiling like usual; he looked distraught. if you didn’t know any better, you’d say he looked angry.
he stormed up, completely ignoring your presence.
“how long have you known?” he said, in a tone you've never heard from him.
shoko took another drag of her cigarette, just for satoru to snatch it right off her, throwing it aside.
“answer the question, dammit,” he said through gritted teeth.
“not long,” she said finally
“and you're okay with this?? you didn't try to talk him out or ANYTHING?” you had never seen him talk to anyone like this.
“does it seem like anyone could talk him out?”
“and you didn't try? didn’t even bother telling ANY of us?”
“like i said, i haven’t known that long. i wanted him to say goodbye in his own time-”
“what is going on???” you finally interrupt.
satoru turns his attention to you, just realising you're here. “that suguru of yours,” pointing into the crowd, “is leaving. he wants to kill all the non-sorcerers, and shoko here couldn’t care less,”
“that's not what i said!” she snaps back,
“where is he right now?” you ask, before this escalates.
“i don’t know. somewhere in the crowd. he just left,” gojo replies “shoko probably knows.”
“i don’t. and you know i don’t. you’re misdirecting your anger.”
you can tell this argument is going to blow, but you don’t have time for that; you’ve heard enough. without putting much thought into it, you run straight into the crowd, the sound of them shouting drowning out behind you more and more.
“how come everyone else got a goodbye?” you say in between pants, finally catching up to him,
he slowly turned around, “it’s nothing personal,” he said, composed, as always.
“that’s the problem.”
he sighs, “look-”
“no,” you cut him off, “don’t do that, don’t give me a half-assed excuse. i deserve more than that.”
he stared back at you.
“i don’t stand with your stupid, self-righteous philosophy, but clearly your mind is made up,” you started again, “but it seems like everybody got a proper see-off except me.”
“i see why you're mad,”
“i’m not mad,” you can’t help but cut him off again, “i’m insulted.”
he goes quiet again.
“it slipped my mind i-” he paused, like he expected you to butt in, “it’s quite hard to keep track of shit like that when i have bigger matters to attend to.” he wouldn’t even look you in the eye.
“slipped your mind? so that’s it? if i hadn’t chased you down right now, that would’ve been the end of our... friendship?” you pause, “or whatever we were, like what the hell were we? tell me we weren't just friends.”
“i don’t know what you want me to say,” he says finally, “and if you're so against me, and my ‘stupid philosophy’ then why do you even care so much?”
“because i worry about you, you know i do, and i have been trying to figure out what we were for a while now.”
“well do you care about me? because it sure as hell didn’t feel that way for the past few months. but theres no point now, is there? i guess i’m doing you a favour.”
“a favour?” you scoff, “you don’t think i wanted to check up on you? wanted to snap you back into reality? but you made it seem like you hate every fibre of my being, and right now, that doesn’t seem too far from the truth.”
“you’re taking this too personally,” he steps closer, “my decisions have nothing to do with you, so lay off.”
“so why have you been avoiding me? why have you grown so distant? why didn’t you tell me what was on your mind? and why didn't i get a goodbye?” your voice softened at that last part, but it doesn’t do much because you’ve been shouting for long enough to gather a crowd
“you’re reiterating, and quite frankly, i don’t have the time.”
“then just tell me why”
“because i love you,” he snapped “i didn’t want to say goodbye because i have loved you for such a painfully long time, that i knew i couldn’t handle seeing you disappointed in me. i don’t care about anyone else’s thoughts on the matter, but the thought of admitting to you that i can’t take this anymore..” he lets himself trail off, “but just because i couldn’t say it to you, doesn’t mean it isn’t true.”
there is silence again. you finally heard what you wanted to hear, but what was even the point?
“there has to be a better way to go about this,” you say finally.
“probably,” he shrugged, “but this is the way i chose. i didn’t expect it to go like this between us, but maybe when you talk about me, you can tell them what you saw in me, and not how i turned out to be.”
with that, he turned his back, and walked away. gone before his footsteps ever fully faded.
