Life I guess.

--18. Just a girl who can't except reality--

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Forgive Me

  My shadow steps on a crack and I become a murderer

I think and then speak but my words are tainted by the air that surrounds me

Mistakes have been transformed into  strikes in a world where strikes are invisible

And people are left blind

please forgive me.

I am walking on glass

Where glass is laced with manipulative personalities

Looking for vulnerable souls. 

Insecurity can be bought 

By…

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I want to be Free

I want to be Free

Today I want to be free.

I want to be able to live through a day without my voice creating echoes on top of echoes of worst case scenarios and cup-half-empty perspectives and I want to be able to open my eyes in the morning with an empty mind, that is open to a new day of possibilities instead of being weighted down by yesterday’s potential mistakes or awkward encounters or last week’s joke that…

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My Head

For a long time I didn’t think mental health exists. Just neurons firing and chemicals sprouting in a ball inside our head, it’s just a brain. A brain doesn’t have feelings, it just makes them. A mental state is constant and everything I feel is normal, I’m just over-reacting, I tell myself.

But then my head, the chemicals, my brain, got disconnected from my mind and I found myself trying to justify the anger and confusion from the voice inside,  my head, screaming at me with my own voice.

I begin to ask my friends what it’s like inside their head, yearning for the words, “I don’t fucking know.”

If i’m in control of my head then I’m the reason that my thoughts don’t make sense, I just have to think harder, or not think at all. And not thinking at all turns to sleeping a lot, but with sleeping alot comes dreams and false thoughts, and these same dreams keep coming back, And I have to work to try and crack what was real and not, stuck in a spot where no matter what, im still lost.

I’m not in control when I’m asleep, but Im no better when I’m awake. Resulting in this lost, confused, mental state. And with this I say yea, maybe my head isn’t in the best place. Maybe mental health, isn’t really fake I look in the mirror and stare at this emotionless face, and ask myself will I be okay.

[maybe-this-will-make-sence]

Slam Poem

For a long time I didn’t think mental health exists. Just neurons firing and chemicals sprouting in a ball inside our head, it’s just a brain. A brain doesn’t have feelings, it just makes them. A mental state is constant and everything I feel is normal, I’m just over-reacting, I tell myself.

But then my head, the chemicals, my brain, got disconnected from my mind and I found myself trying to…

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Today, I thank the Earth

Today, I thank the Earth

I like the smell of wet soil and burning wood,

Moist air and clear skies that lets the rain shine.

Running, more like stumbling, sometimes up, and mostly down

I try to carry myself through a world with so much beauty yet still clouded with hate.

My legs hold my body as my friends hold my soul and my head is still lost waiting to be found by stragglers lost like me.

I am eager to meet myself when…

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Today I Witnessed a Sliver of Inequality, and Bias

Today I Witnessed a Sliver of Inequality, and Bias

Today I witnessed  what one may call inequality, racism, bias.

In a narrow alley way of San Fransisco, California, I admire the abstract walls, that speak to anyone who’s willing to listen. I follow my aunt, with which who’m i’m visiting, down the alley which was home to those who lacked one.

(Living in a very white city, back in Ontario, I was foreign to the concept, and very real issue of…

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Today I Inhaled the Ocean

Today I Inhaled the Ocean

Both literally, and metaphorically, I inhaled the ocean.

On the strip of land that calls itself the outer banks of North Carolina, I find myself.

On the reef that stretches miles, I let my legs dangle from my board as the sail ruffles beside me. As my fellow companions sail miles away, past the reef, I sit with my toes almost touching the sandy layer that lies below and I stare at the horizon,…

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Today I saw rain

Today I saw rain

In the literal sense, away from cheesy metaphors and over-used similes, I watched out the window as the skies cried. Skies peed? Skies melt? Skies shit? It was raining.

I saw rain. And no, this was no unique experience that brought me a euphoric feeling or brought me enlightenment. The sky was dark, the roads were asleep, and it simply rained like any other ordinary day.

I stayed up in my room,…

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Today I Love Him more than Ever

Today I Love Him more than Ever

Today, I love him more than ever

Maybe it’s the fact that you know me like the back of your hand, or that you scratch my head without me asking or that you blow me a kiss every time we go separate ways or the fact that you’re my best friend.

Maybe it’s the fact that somehow between the time I met you and now, I have become a better person, a more confident, kinder, mature person. Maybe its the…

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Today the sun kissed me

Today the sun kissed me

Today, the sun kissed me.

Light, tender, soft, perfect.

It was in early morning, with my bag over my shoulder and sweater tied around my waist, I pushed forward with my left foot and coasted down the street that only brought life of early risers.

My toes, perched over the side of the board, I balance myself, close my eyes, and let my head lean back to absorb the comfort of the breeze.

A morning…

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Today I saw the Future Present, yet distant, she stares at the sunset with envy. Jealous of such beauty and peace that lies in the distance, she fails to look within herself, and instead her surroundings consume her.

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This is Me

1995: My sister is born (sister 1)

1997: My other sister is born (sister 2)

1999: I am born.

2001: I finally grow hair.

2004: I break my leg in a cart.

2006: I break my arm falling down a hill. I remember being proud of being able to run down the hill.

2007: I remember writing this date down a lot. I guess of lot of notes in grade 3.

2010: I am best friends with sister 2.

2010: Sister 1 has a…

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Belonging

Today, I want you to read this knowing every word is real and every line is not rehearsed but poured from a place within me that speaks another language than that of a linear mind and I want you to share the same familiar feeling of being lost that every other reader has experienced, and knowing this, I hope you feel a sense of belonging.

I look in the mirror to see a face, young, with eyes that…

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Today I left Reality

Today I left Reality

Her voice floats over my thoughts

AS I try to pretend I feel normal.

My heart, racing

My eyes, tunnel vision

I try to focus, breathing in the air that seems to intoxicate my lungs.

One breath at a time, I tell myself

And reality will come back.

  –Lifeiguess

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Today I see a Stranger

Today I see a Stranger

My hair, pulled tightly into a high pony with stray strands carefully pinned down

My eyes, outlined with black and lifted from my tired bags hidden with superficial magic

And my smile, non expressive

I stare at the reflection I call my own.

  –Lifeiguess

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Today I feel blessed

Today I feel blessed

In the moment, everything is as if magnified

As if trying to find a daffodil when only focussed on the weeds that surround it.

Or sad the sun has disappeared, when it’s simply only hidden behind the clouds.

And it’s easy to stare at the weeds, or focus on the clouds

And it’s hard to see them as just visitors and not life companions

But today I found the sun on a rainy day

And today I smiled at…

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Today I'm lost, again

Today I’m lost, again

Between skin touches and cheek kisses, my mind wanders to every flaw and conflict that has arose in the past of our two year long relationship. After a moment of silence, and him repeatedly asking whats going on in my head, I finally give in. Lying to him is the hardest thing of all. I explain my lack of sexual desire and confusion of what this means and what this means on the relationship. He…

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