I need to explain some things to y’all. But first, let me start over about myself.
Hi! My name is Jenna. I’m 22 years old. I was born and raised in Connecticut, right next to Long Island Sound. I moved to Asheboro, North Carolina in December of 2013. It was a nightmare. I had fallen head over heels, madly in love with my best friend. And he lived in Connecticut. We went to high school together. We dealt with our emotional and mental traumas together. He was in Griffin Hospital in the pysch unit the same time I had barely, by the skin of my teeth, avoided being committed and ended up in IOP (intensive outpatient therapy) 3x a week for 4 hours a day. I went Monday, Wednesday and Friday from 9am to noon. I was suicidal. I was depressed. I was anxious. He was the only thing that kept me alive. He’s a paranoid schizophrenic and had been committed after he was hallucinating and tried to kill himself. He was doped up, I was doped up but we had each other. He’ll forever be my anchor. We ended up breaking up in April of 2014, after just a few months of dating. But I lost my virginity to him, and that’s one thing I’ll always be proud of myself for doing. I waited until I knew I was loved, and I loved him in return. I wanted kids, and he just wanted me to be happy. He never had a desire for kids, and I think that played a crucial part in our downfall. I found out he was cheating on me one night when he left his phone in the bathroom and his password was my birthday. As a woman, most of y’all know that when you have a feeling, you need to trust it. I don’t go through phones. I don’t invade privacy like that, but I knew something was going on. I was right.
I went into a downward spiral after that, fucking anything that wanted to fuck me. I didn’t care about myself, and I sure as hell didn’t care about anybody else. I began cutting again, and I had stopped. I worked my ass off to stop. I ruined it one night and I never got that time back. It was so bad, I had to wrap gauze around my entire thigh about 4 inches down. My mom began to notice how many band-aids and how much Bacitracin was starting to go missing. And the medical tape. So much medical tape. My sister had just had her spine fused so we had so much gauze, tape, the wound pads, anything you could need. I hated myself. I hated the world. I didn’t want to be around anymore. This went on into 2015 and a few months into 2016. I refused any sort of emotional connection with another human being. I knew they’d just end up leaving. Everybody always did. I had two major pregnancy scares during this time. One with a guy named Mike and the other with a guy named Damien (though Damien’s scare was more of my guilty conscience.) So I stopped having sex altogether.
Chris walked into my store where I worked in April of 2016. I was hooked on him instantly. There was something about him that I knew I shouldn’t be with. I kept doing it though. I kept flirting with him until one day I gave him my phone number (twice). He texted me from his store before I could even get back to mine. He came to my house that night, slept over (nothing happened) and went home the next day. He texted me all day and came back that night. And he pretty much moved in after that. During all of this, my mom was moving to Charlotte with my stepdad, my sister and my stepsiblings. Chris came in right at the time, and we were allowed to keep the apartment in Asheboro. We couldn’t afford it. Actually, we probably could, if we didn’t spend so much money on weed and alcohol. Then he got fired, and we were relying on my 30-hour max job and $7.75 pay rate. Obviously, that wasn’t going to work. So we left Asheboro and came to Charlotte. We lived with my mom and my stepdad for about 2 months before I got my settlement from my hurting my back when I was 17. I bought a 2015 Jetta, all registered and insured in my own name. We got an apartment. We got clothes. We got weed. We got food. We spent all of it, though I did give a lot of it to my mom. A lump sum of $17,000 plus other expenses. Chris never got over that. He felt as he was entitled to the money, when he never was. My family hated him. My stepdad ignored him, except for just telling him he needed to grow up. My mom lectured him. Chris was never one for authority, and whether he liked it or not, they were his authority. They’re my parents, and they’ve been around two decades longer than I have. It caused a lot of strife in my family and between me and Chris. The way I was raised was to remember who was there when everything crumbled, not just when everything was good. And that was my family. No one believed that Chris was good enough for me, but I ignored that and kept going. In March 2017, we were getting evicted. Chris never saved his money and we always ended up spending his plus mine. And I make a lot more than he did. He got frustrated with his job after he was written up and his hours were cut so he walked out of his job, no two week notice and in the middle of the week. Leaving me, again, as the only one with a job while we were being evicted, I’m in collections for m credit cards, my insurance and registration lapsed on my car, the internet got shut off, and the electric was next. He did nothing all day but smoke weed and complain. He’d been sick for weeks. And he couldn’t smoke, and he smokes a lot of nicotine. He became more of a nightmare than he had already been. He started yelling at me more which led to longer, more intense fights. My anxiety and depression went through the roof. All of the stress of our life had fallen onto my shoulders while he did nothing to help me. He called me a child for my anxiety. Told me I could “talk myself out of depression” and went on rants about exposure therapy being used for depression. No matter how many times I explained to him that exposure therapy is used for anxiety and phobias, not a god damn mood disorder. He didn’t care. He knew everything about everything, when in reality, he knew nothing. All that did was insult me. I was devastated.
I had a light though. There was a guy staying with his company in my hotel for nearly 7 weeks. I saw him everyday but we never spoke. On March 2nd, he talked to me. I’ve never seen another human being as perfect in my life before he said my name. I was addicted to him instantly. He said every perfect thing to me, but I was with Chris. I tried not to let myself get too attached, but I was. I fell so in love so quickly.
Chris and I broke up on April 1st. It was a long, drawn out process. And the first person I called was Richard. He saved me. He talks to me everyday. He loves me. He’s trying to take care of me.
I couldn’t be more thankful for him. He came to me in, arguably, the hardest time of my life. As soon as I saw him, I started to actually see Chris for who he was. He was mean, he was cold and he hurt me. I’m getting better.
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