[mcalhenwrites]

left temp for archiving purposes, can be found elsewhere but only in writing-related ways (which all but maybe 3 of you don't care about anyway) goodbye

[mcalhenwrites]

I was never going to be okay with anything unless I was writing, which explains why - as time goes on - I'm less and less okay

[mcalhenwrites]

I don't want anything to do with my life anymore. I hate it here. I hate it so much. I'm never going to deserve or afford any happiness. The more I try, the more I realize it's impossible, and the only thing I have ever been allowed to do is sacrifice every part of myself, and what good does that even fucking do? I want to halt my existence and go into a permanent sleep with the thoughts of my stories on my mind, because while no one else cares about them, I love them, and I want them, and if they have to go, so do I

[mcalhenwrites]

A bit of an update: I'm mostly over at @mcalhen with my original writing rambles. I'm on a new antidepressant and things are a little better now, but I'll admit that so much keeps happening, and are any of us doing well? We're struggling to survive! So I owe myself (as much as others) grace on that subject. I'm trying to get back into writing/publishing/creating in general. It's hard with how much is going on, but if you're interested in anything I write/my original characters, you can follow that other tumblr account. That's where I'll be. :')

[mcalhenwrites]

Things have been pretty rough for me lately, but I do have a strictly writing-only space over at @mcalhen if anyone is interested in following that. (Not that you have to, btw, feel free to ignore this. I just needed a space where I could post nothing but writing, and only people interested in said writing could follow so that everyone else can continue to ignore it.)

[mcalhenwrites]

I left a lot of sites because I feel annoying for talking about my writing, trying to sell my books, post about my characters, etc. I've been overwhelmed with IRL as it is, and I'm having trouble with antidepressants - I've started avoiding things that are unpleasant, even if they're necessary, and the antidepressants are empowering me to give up on things I don't like. I wake up for work and think, "I could just not go." I'm skipping breakfast because it's less pleasant to eat than to be hungry later. I set aside a bill a couple of weeks ago, unopened, and just now opened and paid it several days late. I put off errands. I'm playing video games without really enjoying them because I just don't care anymore. So that's my life update. I need to change antidepressants, but life is overwhelming, so I just don't do things, like make appts I need. I'm barely writing/editing... and frankly, I would love to do that all day and give up everything else except my college/career goals. And I'll just keep talking about my stories sometimes over at my new tumblr account I made, since there I can't annoy you all with my writing rambles and writing shit, since even after months of disconnecting from online and trying to find medication to help my thoughts, and talking to my therapist, I'm still convinced by the way no one engages that you all think I suck at writing and my stories are garbage. And if that's the case, why would I want to be here? Writing is one of the only things I have that brings me joy, and it's something that I have to put away to be the Cal everyone actually likes? Eh. No Cal is better than Erasing-Parts-of-Himself-to-Please-Others Cal. I know that's not true of everyone, but... I feel like I can never escape the established crochet artist history. I just want to give up and fade off.

[mcalhenwrites]

An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works

Phineas turns to El. “Would you like to stay with me for a few weeks and learn more about spirits and magic?”

“A few weeks?” Vivian glowers at Phineas. “I think not. Can’t you arrange a visit to my home? We’ll provide lodgings and—”

“I didn’t ask you.” Phineas waves a dismissive hand in his direction. “El, what do you want to do?”

“Don’t put him on the spot like that in front of Vivian,” I plead. “He’ll be too intimidated to answer.”

“If you two would shut up and let him speak for himself, I’d appreciate it.” Phineas glowers at us both before he fixes his warm eyes on El again. “You won’t always get what you want, but if you never ask, you’ll never have the chance to obtain it.”

[mcalhenwrites]

does jacy ever find out about how vivian treated her siblings before she was born? it would probably be accidental if she did and idk how much she would know but yikes if she did

Thanks for the ask! Took a while to answer due to work and my mental health plunging haha

Jacy’s siblings would be very careful not to tell her until she was much older. Adulthood, likely, and I can’t imagine any of them telling her the full story.

Not to say she wouldn’t figure it out and ask questions from an early age. Sophie and Howie won’t talk to Vivian, her father is divorced from his spouse and the father of her other siblings, the math on how old El is compared to Howie and Bee yet they grew up together, some references in childhood stories from any of her siblings, them all being adamant to be present in her life despite how few of them are close to Vivian, etc.

They’ll try to protect her for as long as they can. All those details—the pausing of ages, the more horrific punishments—will all be secrets for years. I’m sure she’ll find out from retold events that her father spanked his kids, and that’s not something she has experienced. Vivian’s patience is much better this time around. He has a lot of help, they have the “village raises a child” experience. Jacy’s village is five older siblings, their spouses (Rhett and eventually Pierce—Howie’s up next for marriage but she’ll be fully grown by then), and I damn well expect Phineas will be far more present in Sparrow’s Creek during her upbringing as another precaution. (Mind, he’s probably already in Sparrow’s Creek more often to coo over Jasper. That’s his grandson, you hear?)

Jacy will ask what happened. Howie’s the one who tells her, but at first, he only promises he will someday—she’s too young, and he’d rather not taint her image of Vivian.

Then, around the time she’s nineteen, she asks him again. Howie agrees to give her some background, and they go out to the back gardens at the orchard, sit beneath the flowers, and drink a lot of apple cider together while he fills her in. Eventually, Shannon finds them, and he sits out there, too, and tells his own story. Some of the darker parts are omitted, however, because there really is no point in her knowing the worst of it.

She asks Vivian, too, growing up. He won’t tell her much. Just that he wasn’t a good father in the past, and he made mistakes he wishes he could undo.

Once her siblings fill her in on some of the backstory, Jacy will see Vivian a little differently, but her own relationship with Vivian will survive, even if she finds it complicated to imagine Vivian as that parent.

Not that she hasn’t seen it in glimpses: his occasional lapses in patience followed by his immediate response to reign it in/manage it better, for instance. And he may be a good father at this point, but is he perfect? No. He’ll have probably argued with her, because kids and parents will do that sort of thing, even when they’re close. There will be times he doesn’t think she’s ready to do something, only to take it back and let her go ahead with it anyway, because he fears he’s smothering her.

At least he’s making the effort this time around.

More importantly, he doesn’t get rewarded for it. Sophie and Howie may be civil with him, but they never forgive him or reach out to have a relationship with him. Graham never asks for another go as a couple. No one pats him on the back for not abusing Jacy. The reward is that Jacy doesn’t have to feel like shit, the way his other kids did. She’s healthy. She’s happy.

Luckily, I think 94 years is enough to make Vivian improve, and when he’s worried he’s under a lot of stress, he knows when the fuck to ask for help.

Jacy will see that, too, and know that he used that near-century of time to become a better person.

[mcalhenwrites]

Seasons Ask/Ramble:

I think my favourite character is Bee, which is apparently an unpopular choice. I do like all the Lidell kids, but I think there’s something so charming about the way Bee is written.

I love him! He’s such a cutie and is such a sweet kid. He has his moments of brattiness, sure, but he’s five. Forever, basically. And he’s been isolated his entire life, he doesn’t really have a lot of experience socializing.

I remember he gets intrigued by the idea of his older siblings being in trouble, but the moment he got an inkling that one of his father’s hurt his brothers, he gets serious. I really love when he defies Howie’s expectations during the chapter about El’s starvation and instead of being happy about getting a “treat”, he fixes Vivian with a stern look and demands to know if he hates El.

Finally, Bee has a fan! While he is sometimes a brat, he’s a complicated one.

He started of as one of the trickier characters to write, but as the story progressed, he came into his own pretty well. Only issue is that he cooperate if I try to write his POV…

Aw, well, can’t have everything.

Bee is a complicated, demanding kiddo. (I’m going to regret saying this, I’m sure, but… there’s no way he’s not a bossy bottom in his relationship with Pierce.)

Some part of him is fascinated and gleeful when his siblings get into trouble and he’s off the hook—particularly if that sibling happens to be Howie—but there’s a point where he realizes things have gone too far. As long as he’s not being punished for anything alongside them, it makes him feel a little bit better about himself for a short minute.

Which isn’t a very fulfilling way to validate your esteem.

Surprisingly, for being the youngest and spending almost the entire story stuck at the age of five, Bee is the one kid whose sexuality is probably touched upon the most, particularly in the final chapter when you meet his boyfriend and it turns out they forgot to hide all the evidence of their kinks.

Can I just say, it’s fucking hilarious that they invited Howie into that house, thinking he wouldn’t snoop around? Bee, you should know better. Make that nosy, curious little shit stay with Shannon or at the orchard. I ought to write more of that, not as part of the main story - I like the final chapter as-is and such scenes would spoil it—but I’m positive Bee called up Howie in a panic, invited him to stay in their spare room, and didn’t even once think about hiding anything until he ended the call.

Anyway, going back to Bee… He really did have complicated feelings about growing up. Spending about 183 years as a five-year-old is going to lead to some issues! Everything is new and fast once he no longer has his age paused. Expectations and responsibilities pile. Those are scary! But also? He loves playing. There’s so much joy in being carefree and playing most of your waking hours or being read to! Even if that means frequently getting in trouble for being naughty and not having any say in meals.

Even if that means putting up with Papa’s temper. :(

Which is one thing he’s aware of, in that sometimes Papa seems really mean and terrifying, and that’s why he wondered if he hated El. Made even clearer by the fact that Graham had concern for El, and Daddy is Bee’s favorite father. If everyone is concerned for El, but Papa is angry, maybe he doesn’t like El anymore!

And Bee is not dumb: he knows El is Papa’s favorite. I don’t think he lets that get him down, since it doesn’t affect him the way it affects Howie.

Bee demands attention. He’ll not go without it!

…Even if sometimes that means he gets a lot of negative attention. :( Thanks for the ask! :D

[mcalhenwrites]

I was reading the revised seasons and Vivian’s POV has me thinking about the ending in the original

more specifically on how he thinks about being able to redo it all. part of me wonders if time travel was thrown into the equation and Viv was thrown back to baby Shannon era how he’d change

Obviously he became a better father for jacy but it’s more in the sense of how clingy would he be regarding his kids? I remember in one of the side stories, he seems quite permissive with Bee in terms of money. I could just be rambling based on an insignificant detail i hyper focused on too 💀 but idk i rlly like thinking about hypotheticals for some reason

ANYWAYS sorry for the ramble, I guess my point overall is the shifting dynamics between Vivian and his kids. Viv doesn’t like to think about his faults but with knowing the endgame that they bring, im so curious to think about the changes he’d make in an effort to keep them close

Not sure if Vivian is smart enough to know this, but I know this: If Vivian could go back in time and fix things, he would have Shannon, but he would not have the other children.

He could have more children, certainly, but they would never be the exact ones. He would have to know exactly which location, day, and time he birthed them—which he likely has documentation of, but I still think it would be tricky to try to reenact those specific conditions.

Being even an hour off or standing in the wrong spot might change the melting snow and patch of flowers that birthed Sophronia. What if a few minutes too late means Howie’s last leaf blows away before he can be born from it?

I know that’s not what you’re asking about, I just can’t help but think of that detail in this equation.

So let’s say he could have the same kids, but he could go back in time and change all the damage he caused them. Maybe we can do some sort of “their births are a fixed part o time, it can’t be changed/undone” rule here, though I am not exactly good at understanding time travel stories well…! Let’s just roll with it anyway, it can be an AU!

Especially since Vivian is quite a big fan of do-overs. It usually means erasing huge chunks of his past, though. In this case, he’ll have to face the past!

Let’s say Vivian (from a little before the last chapter of Seasons) is taken back to the specific moment when a baby slipped out of a cicada shell and into his arms.

Their financial situation would still be precarious at first, but Vivian has 400 years of experience in life. He’s no longer using his own magic explosively. He has plenty job experience, his accent is not quite as strong, and he understands where he must go to find safety for his family.

The first time infant Shannon cries, he knows to give him nectar.

Past Graham would probably need some parenting tips from Vivian, but he’s far more adaptive/open-minded. (That’s another thing: Vivian can work on a better relationship with his husband.)

Graham might wonder what happened to the old Vivian at times, but… he’s going to infinitely prefer the new version.

Vivian would be able to help Shannon learn and understand his own magic before he is capable of it, and it’s something they both look forward to practicing. Nothing bad ever happens to Bailey. Vivian pauses her age, and Shannon says goodbye to her in his thirties when Bailey gets sick with something they can’t treat.

(Fun side note: it’s really weird now that I’ve worked with not just one, but two Baileys, and a Shannon, in a dog-related industry. I wrote Seasons at least 1.5 years before this happened. Shannon is aware I have a male character with the same name, but I can’t bring myself to mention the Bailey thing to her.)

Sophie grows up normally, and she stays, because El’s age is never paused.

El never is gaslit into believing he never had a sister. He grows up knowing he has an older brother, too.

Then Howie and Bee are years later. El is an adult, fully functional, who never had to worry about his magic going out of control, whose emotions and social experiences are regular and healthy. (He is still a monsterfucker, I will not take this joy away from him. El will always be an introvert and a heavy reader, but not to the degree that he is in canon.)

Howie and Bee have three adult siblings. I’ve got to be honest, I think those two would still fight like cats and dogs. Vivian would absolutely turn to Phineas—there’s no way he wouldn’t reach out for contact with Phineas and search for him once he went back in time—for advice on how to handle it, because I do think that would bother him a bit. Howie and Bee also aren’t obligated to make up as quickly because there’s no other people to talk to if they cut each other off; this time, they can be free to give each other the silent treatment…

Not to say they’d never get along! The bickering would die down as they reached their late teens/early twenties, and Howie is the kind of person who would always have Bee’s back, even when he’s annoyed with him. The two do love one another, and their love of the outdoors will always connect them. I think a lot of the structures that make them fight in the original story will also dissolve. Graham doesn’t have to perpetually babysit a five-year-old, which gives him time to focus on Howie, not just on Bee.

(I won’t pretend the favoritism on Vivian’s part will 100% disappear, but it will be lessened with great effort, and Howie will never feel unloved. Vivian is desperate not to lose him now that he’s had a second chance. He will be at every graduation, clapping hard with tears in his eyes, because he missed all those university graduations Howie refused to invite him to.)

Howie won’t have middle child syndrome here, either: he’s aware of his two older siblings’ existences. He probably gets up to all sorts of fun with Sophie, who probably has a bit of adventurer in her as well. I can just see her or Shannon taking their siblings on outings.

Random, but I just imagined Tristan if it could’ve been an allowed trip with Shannon for Howie to take, because he wants some time away from Bee and Shannon has just the thing to give him some fresh air. Meanwhile, Sophie takes Bee for the week, and they go to museums and participate in crafts together.

I really like the siblings doing all they can for each other, no matter the universe… Thank you so much for the ask, and never worry about rambling here! I have been very distracted with IRL being an absolute mess, but these asks truly do give me life and make me wanna find more time to work on my writing!

[mcalhenwrites]

El's parentification is so interesting. Because of how overbearing the parents are, he never had any of the responsibilities or authority that come with parentification. So, in that sense, it was less "rewarding" because there were technically adults present. He wasn't allowed to have that heavy hand in shaping Bee that parentified siblings can sometimes take pride in. But he's also not playing human shield or hero like others. He just spends years desperately running interference. And failing half the time. It must feel so exhausting and futile. No wonder he's so over it by the time he gets to the orchard.

Thank you for the ask!

I think a lot about El’s parentification, to the point I wasn’t even sure his situation qualified. He really is burned out from always trying to keep peace and occupying Bee’s time simply to keep him from upsetting their fathers. At the end of the day, he still ends up tasked with parenting a sibling. Graham and Vivian aren’t literally hovering over their children by the minute, after all.

Which gives El just enough of a gap to step in, read or play with Bee, and even clean up some of his messes.

It’s rough on him, trying to keep his younger siblings out of trouble, and as you said, he doesn’t really succeed all that often. That peace maintaining in itself really does become a form of parentification, in that it’s a task he has been given that is well beyond his capability to handle.

Between all that, finding out just how much Vivian assaulted Howie with the assistance of magic, and Sophie appearing to let El know he’s been gaslit for a long time… Yeah, the kid is well fed up by the time the orchard arc starts.

[mcalhenwrites]

Oh, shit. I knew that El had a really unhealthy attachment to Howie, but I kinda just thought it was regular separation anxiety and clinging. Not more. It tracks though, given how they grew up. Still, it has to suck. Poor El. Fuck Vivian. I wonder if Phineas, Shannon, and Sophie can tell how bad the attachment issues are, since they're a tad more observant than the two ''fathers''.

It seems to be pretty missable in the original version, or at least no one ever pointed it out, so I set out to make it a bit more obvious in the revision. I know it was always there early on, though not when I first set out to write the story.

I have always been vague about when Sophie left the house and their parents started gaslighting El about her existence, because I never really specified an age (or I did and can’t remember). She was around until about the time he started reaching his mid teens and still appeared twelve. Sophie argued with them about letting him grow, Vivian wouldn’t budge, and she left because she was starting to see how their life of isolation was equally toxic for her.

Then El was alone until he was chronologically 63—nearly 64, given that winter follows autumn, and Howie was born in autumn.

That means he spent at least 40 years with only his parents for company.

He’s close with Howie, who often tries to live his life to the beat of his own drum. He’s a caged bird whose health withers more obviously within the confines of his cage, although the other two are taking more unseen damage.

And one of those unseen things is that nearly two centuries of isolation has resulted in El becoming abnormally close with Bee and Howie. The issue with Bee is that he has had to step in as a parent to distract Bee from getting into trouble. With Howie, however, they’re closer to equals. Despite El being well-read, Howie is the smarter and sharper kid between the two of them. So they can hold meaningful conversations together.

(I feel like adding that El favors fiction, whereas Howie favors non-fiction.)

Howie is also like the fictional stories El consumes, in that he makes the days interesting. He’s also far more active and curious, whereas El can… stagnate, and that makes his brain foggy. Toss in that whole “being gaslit” thing, and there’s just this cocktail for mental illness being mixed up in that poor boy’s head.

So he attaches to Howie in a way he knows is not healthy.

As for if anyone can pick up on it? El might be a terrible liar, but he is a practiced secret-keeper, and in this case, he’s so ashamed of it that he’ll keep that buried deep. To Phineas or Sophie or Shay, all three of the boys have an unhealthy connection due to their isolation, but none of them ever suspect El is in love.

This is especially easy to hide because once they stop having their ages paused and grow up into physical adults finally, Howie is ready to leave. He has a world to see. Universities to attend. Bugs to discover!

And El’s love for him means wanting Howie to thrive. Only issue is that he deals with his feelings by doing the opposite of what he wants: doesn’t reach out to Howie much, is kind of quiet around him when they do have time to meet up and get some breakfast or lunch together, and does a bit of self-isolation.

El knows it’s wrong to feel the way he does, but he’ll do very little to fix it. Instead, he consumes monsterfucking fiction on the regular, and one can hope that in a world of monsters, maybe he’ll find one someday…?

[mcalhenwrites]

Seasons arguably doesn't have much romantic content, and most of it surrounds a married couple that the story takes a crowbar to. :) Rhett and Sophie don't get much attention, but they are very sweet! From there, it gets vague and... extremely problematic.

El has feelings for Howie that are unhealthy. No dynamic between the youngest three children is actually all that healthy, due to their isolation from society for 188+ years, but the affection El has for Howie is one-sided. (He'll never act on it or ever let Howie know, because Howie would probably be kind about it, and that would kill El more than rejection.) I think a lot about how much Bee and Howie fight, and many times, they make up hastily because Bee realizes that he would be alone if he stayed mad at either of his brothers. (He's rarely mad at El, but it happens occasionally.) Then El has some weird resentment/parental feelings, because he spends so much time occupying Bee. Like a babysitter. To keep him out of trouble with their parents, which... obviously, that happens a lot. Howie has a canon crush on Cole. Think of it as a little kid having a crush on an actor or a handsome teacher. It's nothing serious, Howie just likes his company and flits around him a lot. So it might be kind of mean to Howie that I ship his older sister and her husband with Cole... (Cole would be dtf tho, but he's not interested in being a parent, so those two are on their own...) Meanwhile, Cole is closer to Vivian's age. Haha. Then again, the age difference between Cole and Sophie is so much smaller than Sophie and Rhett. Rhett's like 29 (honestly I forgot his age lmao), meanwhile he's married to a woman whose first (and later ex) wife died of old age before his parents were even born. 😂

[mcalhenwrites]

idk if you’ve drawn her before but I would love to see Sophie 🪻❄️ maybe with Rhett 👀?? they’re such a lovely couple to read about! (Sophie’s also my favourite character in seasons so im biased)

I ended up doodling them anyway, trying not to think too hard about making art perfect since I'm so rusty, but Sophie is taller than Rhett, and he's got black hair and the kindest, prettiest eyes 🧡

In another universe, they flirt with Cole and end up polyam

[mcalhenwrites]

An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works

“This reminds me of the first time we went to this festival together,” says Subaru, chuckling at the memory of Cuilang inviting him.

He never could have predicted this would be his future. Not back then. Screenshot that loosely inspired it:

[mcalhenwrites]

Geckos, Automata has been put back on sale for now. You can buy it digitally or in paperback here. Here is the side story, Don't, which goes into some of Julian's background. Other ways you can support me: Patreon KoFi And spreading this post around. Leaving reviews if you have read Geckos before. Spreading the art I share around. Thank you for supporting a trans and disabled author by sharing this and/or supporting me in the ways mentioned above 🧡

[mcalhenwrites]

Why do I have so many terrible father OCs?

Listen, for every 5, I put in 1 terrible mom OC! I know how to balance! 😤