im so bitter. im mad that i clearly couldnāt handle doing blow. i went on a month and some change binge. Then during my comedown i got really honest and made it very clear that i 100% am still an addict. i thought bc i could handle alcohol now i could handle the other stuff except my drugs of choice. but fuck man this shit is so addicting. and iām so mad that i KNOW better. deep down inside i know that iām a feind (fiend!?) idk a fuckin drug whore basically. what i would give to be that girl who does āfunā drugs at partyās and no one bats an eye, bc āoh she can handle herselfā but nah i got told that the way( how often i do it) is unattractive and it screams drug addict. which is so fuckin embarrassing. and the fucked up part is: im only going to try my best to quit bc i know that i need to, to live the life i want someday. im not quitting bc i truly want to stop. if the world was perfect iād do drugs all day. and thatās real. i would. and i donāt live with momma and daddy anymore. there is no going to rehab and escaping reality. i have responsibilities, a job, bills, apartment. im scared iām going to fuck up again and everyone look at me like they did when i was a junkie. āsheāll never get itā āsheās so far goneā āall she cares about is getting highā i really hate that reputation.
