Gratitude
I feel all sorts of gratitude today, just in my first hour of being awake. I watched the sun rise today above modest suburban Lomita homes and the dark blue backdrop of the San Gabriel mountains. I cherished every bite of the deliciously sweet Honey Nut Cheerios I had chewed. I found peace in the cup of dark Colombian coffee I had just brewed, as it flowed down my throat and filled my body with warmth, signaling the start of a new day.
I felt a stronger connection to nature as I stepped outside of my apartment. I felt the cozy, crisp sun envelop the contours of my face, and I heard the cawing of black crows perched along the telephone wires adjacent to my apartment complex.
I am blessed with another day - another opportunity to pursue greatness.
I took my daily antidepressant, Fluoxetine. It has become a daily routine, and a regular signal for myself that today, I choose happiness. I choose life. I choose to embrace myself, for all my faults and for all my strengths as well.
I prayed today, not asking as much as I usually do, but recognizing what I'm grateful for having. A home. Food. Slightly stable income. A college degree. Family. Friends. My health. Being able to see and hear the beauty of the world.
Is this what true happiness - true inner peace - feels like? If so, I can get used to this.
I have felt heavy for years, with depression hovering over me like a relentless specter, obstructing me from my fullest potential. It has caused me to miss so many opportunities, to present a half-assed version of myself. It has caused me to become a shadow of my former self, causing me to just get by day-by-day rather than to truly thrive, to fully partake in the joys of life.
I’m tired of just getting by. I’m tired of waking up and feeling like life would feel better if I wasn’t here anymore. I’m tired of shying away from opportunities to grow because of this impostor syndrome I’ve developed due to the identities I have developed internalized hatred for.
I feel ready to pursue what I want. I recognize my challenges, but I also recognize what I have to offer to the world.


















