Me, so far

A collection of the witty things that have unintentionally come out of my pen. I have come so far from the places I have been. If you are struggling, please reach out to someone. It does get better. My inbox is always open if you need to talk. Suicide Hotline: [phone]; Crisis Text Line: 741741

[me-sofar]

10/26/2020

I love how everyone operates

Assuming the fact that nothing will change.

That the reality of today

Will continue to be the reality

In 2, 5, 10 years.

But is anything ever constant or certain.

The only thing that is constant

It that things will change.

~

The seasons cycle,

The calendar continues counting the days,

We all complain about the cold,

Then complain about the heat.

Every four years the country shows

Once again just how divided it is

And usually we get to watch the Olympics.

~

Every season is predictable,

Or so we like to think.

We like to comfort ourselves

With this idea of control.

Because it has always been,

Therefore it will always be.

But the very history we look to

For this reassurance

Proves us wrong.

~

Empires rise and fall,

People are born and die,

Things that were vital once

Are now worthless.

Entire nations can be created

And destroyed in days.

One person with an idea

Can revolutionize the world.

And right now

There are a lot of people

With a lot of ideas.

~

It is folly to believe the world

Won’t change.

Just look to the skies.

Glowing orange,

Reflecting the world on fire.

Look to the youth.

More visible than ever,

Passionate as they have always been.

The plague rages through humanity,

As fires rage through the trees.

The passion of justice burns in our hearts.

~

Let this be a declaration.

A manifesto.

A promise.

This world will change.

It will change for the better.

It will change for the worse.

Will anything remain?

What can we make

From the ashes of the world

We are so ready to burn to the ground?

Everything changes

And so will the ashes.

~

And still I believe,

The seasons will cycle

And the calendar will continue counting the days.

I wonder who will be watching.

[me-sofar]

10/25/2020

Trying to speak things that will not hurt the person we speak with is different from walking on eggshells around every interaction or conversation you have with someone.

[me-sofar]

10/12/2020

This is the first page of a new life.

A new beginning. A new start.

Even with half the house

Covered in cardboard

I feel like this might be home.

I have so many thoughts,

And yet none at all.

It’s like a fog

That can’t quite formulate

Itself into clouds.

Much less rain down

In any form of words.

So I’m left writing this…

Just words.

Letters on paper,

And hope they make sense.

[me-sofar]

10/7/2020

We’re so close to moving out.

She won’t hurt me like that again.

I’ll be safe.

~

I’ve been clean for so long.

I can stay clean.

This addiction is like a beast

Sitting on my chest,

Refusing to move.

I can fight and fight

But it just keeps getting heavier.

I can’t focus. I hate myself for it.

~

My brain is throwing a fit.

Playing me all the worst memories

I have of this house on repeat.

~

My brain is kicking and screaming.

I don’t know what safety will feel like.

And that terrifies me.

~

I’m so tired. So very tired.

Fighting this is hard.

It’s like having an itch in your brain.

I know I shouldn’t scratch

And that if I do it will only get worse.

[me-sofar]

10/2/2020

I’m afraid to let someone in,

To let them take care of me.

Because then they can leave, right?

Then I’ll be left with a void again.

A void I’ve tried so hard to fix.

But will it be better if I let someone in?

[me-sofar]

9/21/2020

Can you forget what a hug feels like?

No.

Not his.

I can still remember,

Six years later.

It was just four months.

Just four months

That feel like they

Have ruined my life.

No matter how hard I try

I can never seem to

Get him out of my head.

~

I still see him.

It still hurts to hear his name,

Even if it is someone

Completely unrelated.

But she was right.

I miss it all.

The friends, the jokes,

The hugs, the games.

The burning rubber

In the truck

With no seatbelt on.

Hoping I could save it

When I went to that party.

The hug I gave him

Where I accidentally

Choked myself on his shoulder

Because he was too tall.

Dragging him to dances

And teaching him the moves.

~

No, I cannot forget

What his hug felt like.

I don’t know if I ever will.

Because I tell myself that

He played me.

I tell myself that he wasn’t

As good as I make him out to be.

I try to believe it when she says it.

But I can’t forget.

I can’t forget texting into the night,

Every night.

I can’t forget having someone,

With the hugs, the trips to ice cream,

The dances, the jokes.

Was it really all just my fantasy?

~

But when he was gone,

He took it all.

The friends, the parties,

The texts and conversations.

It was so hard to make myself

Join a group and then it was gone

Just like that.

~

And why can’t I let it go?

Why do I still miss him?

It’s not like I want to date him now.

But I still can’t get him

Out of my head.

[me-sofar]

9/6/2020

At some point the poetry books

Have stopped telling my story.

I can’t decide if that’s good or bad.

I don’t obsess over him so much anymore

It doesn’t always hurt to say his name.

He’s become merely

A ghost from my past.

Eighteen feels so young

And immature.

I have new people, new goals,

New perspectives in life now.

I am a very different person

Than the one I was six years ago.

And I couldn’t be happier.

I know that six years from now

I will look back at the decisions

I made and the things

I stressed about and just shake my head.

But I can’t live my life

Comparing myself to the future.

All I have is today,

And I intend to make the most of it.

[me-sofar]

9/1/2020

I have a million stories stuck in my head,

But only one pen and two hands.

[me-sofar]

8/25/2020

Does my life always have to be

a fucking tragedy?

When will I actually

follow the course I set

without making a new one halfway.

The stones are too easy to move,

But they crumble in my hands.

Sands flow between my fingers,

I am left grasping at the air.

Do I have to go looking for tragedy?

Scratching at scars almost forgotten.

I scratch and scratch until they bleed again,

Willing the past to come

and explain itself. Explain me.

What is this thing you have created?

This monster without a name.

I have no place, no home, no family.

There is no one like me. The shadows

Come as quickly as they go.

I am the only author in this story.

So why do I write so much pain.

Is that really all I know?

How to punish and be cruel?

Sprinkle in the shallow fairytale love

And call it a day. I don’t know how

To get from point A to point B.

How to go from meeting someone

To loving them. I don’t understand

How to understand people, but

I’m desperate to understand me.

I want to tear me apart,

Tag all the pieces,

Put them in a row and

Finally read my story.

I can’t trust my mind.

My memories deceive me.

I cannot tell dream

From memory. I’m tired

Of feeling like I know myself

Secondhand.

Like I am reading someone else’s story.

What is this person and

Why doesn’t she feel like me?

Have I really changed that much?

What has changed?

(Everything) Nothing.

I don’t know anymore.

That little girl is gone.

Now only the monster remains.

[me-sofar]

8/25/2020

I feel like I’m waiting.

I don’t know what I’m waiting for

But I’m waiting.

Drifting, in the dark.

Waiting for even the tiniest ripple,

But expecting a tidal wave.

What am I waiting for?

[me-sofar]

8/23/2020

(part 3)

How do I “relationship”?

How do I return affection given to me?

How do I overcome my fear and paranoia

And let myself fall in love again?

At least with myself.

I need to love myself enough

To give myself permission to like someone again.

It might not work out.

It might fall apart.

I might decide I don’t like him anymore.

But I could also find a friend.

A confidante.

Someone I can go to when I am sad or afraid.

But I need to give it time.

There is not pretty edit or synopsis I can read.

I need to go day by day,

Episode by episode

And slowly build this thing

I’ve decided to start.

[me-sofar]

8/23/2020

(part 2)

How do you deal with the monotony of getting to know another being?

Asking the right questions and weighing the answers.

I know I think too much. I can’t help it.

My brain is full of cogs and wheels

Each spinning a new scenario.

What if this? What if that?

I hold the happenings and the non-happenings

In my two hands.

They slip through my fingers

Leaving nothing there.

These are matters of the heart, not the mind.

I cannot go through a relationship

Weighing pros and cons at every turn.

I cannot think of other possibilities,

Comparing reality to a dream.

This is my now, my reality.

I should make the most of it, right?

[me-sofar]

8/23/2020

I’m lost in the jungle of my mind.

I’m pulling all the threads

Out of this tapestry I’ve found.

The colors pool at my feet,

All together and yet

Still singly apart.

I can pick each one out.

Each doubt.

Each confusion.

Each hesitation.

I’m in unfamiliar waters.

I never thought I’d get this far.

My mind is television static,

Not prepared for what happens next.

[me-sofar]

8/13/2020

Every exchange

We have,

Every conversation,

Every confusion moment,

Every panic moment;

They are all so precious to me.

I still can’t believe

I was lucky enough

To have been found by a guy like him.

[me-sofar]

8/13/2020

I can’t philosophize.

I know I have been many people

and I will be many more.

I don’t know if I can call myself a woman (yet?)

The struggles of being nonbinary.

I’ve broken the code,

Realized there’s more,

Found where I should be …

But just like with my soul

The only place I can be

Is me.

[me-sofar]

8/12/2020

There is not enough space to fit my soul

[me-sofar]

8/11/2020

Is this what having someone feels like?

Getting excited to talk about every little thing,

Wanting to send random pictures.

Thinking of him about him all the time.

Texting every second we know we’re both awake.

Do I have him?

I don’t want him to disappear.