Canadian, Student, High-RIsker, artist/writer/creator of M.A.I.D. Lover of maid outfits and Canadian History. Member of the new World order and the D -X Army. Student of Criminology with a Canadian focus.
Germans (center) surrendering as Canadian reserves advance across Vimy Ridge.
April 9 1917, Arras–Since the beginning of the year, the British had been planning an attack around Arras, to be conducted a week before Nivelle’s major French offensive on the Aisne further south. The ground had been fought over before; the French had attacked here in May 1915, but had ultimately failed to make substantial gains. The attack had originally been planned for Easter Sunday, April 8, but had been pushed back a day to April 9 due to inclement weather in the previous week. There would be two major attacks: the Canadian Corps under Byng at Vimy Ridge, and the British under Allenby further south around Arras. Both had been meticulously planned; large caves had been excavated to protect the attacking soldiers from any German counter-barrage, and they would proceed up to the first line of trenches by tunnel without exposing themselves to enemy fire. The infantry, especially those in the Canadian Corps, had been carefully trained, and knew their objectives well, allowing them to keep the offensive going even if their officers were killed or communications broke down.
Four days of bombardment had cut barbed wire, severed German communications, and destroyed many of the German trenches (if not their more fortified positions). At 5:30 AM on April 9, the barrage began again, but it lifted and moved back behind the German lines only three minutes later. Gus Sivertz, a Canadian with the first wave that had already crawled into no-man’s land, recalled:
I looked ahead and saw the German front line crashing into pieces; bits of men, timbers, lumps of chalk were flung through the air and, blending with the shattering wall of fire, were the Hun SOS signals of all colours. We didn’t dare lift our heads, knowing that the barrage was to come flat over us and then lift in three minutes.
The Canadians seized most of the first line of trenches with little resistance, often securing them well ahead of schedule. However, the timing of the subsequent barrages, which had been worked out with clockwork precision, prevented the Canadians from advancing before their set timetable. Even if there were no Germans in front of them, they would be advancing into their own barrage. This theme would repeat throughout the day, though the Canadians did advance as planned, in places up to four miles.
On the northern end of their advance, the Canadians did run into some difficulties. One section of the German first line was spared from the barrage by the request of the local CO of the infantry, who wanted the trench intact as defense against German counterattacks; these Germans were only rooted out when flanked on both sides. Additionally, Vimy Ridge itself had networks of underground tunnels which the artillery could not touch. In some places, the Germans, realizing they were trapped, surrendered quickly. In one instance, a Capt. McDowell captured 77 Germans single-handed, pretending to give orders to non-existent troops behind him, then ordering the Germans out in small groups to his waiting men on the surface; he would win a Victoria Cross for his effort. Elsewhere, the Germans put up more of a fight and it would take many hours to clear them out; the Canadians’ northernmost objective was not taken until that night.
The Germans were not able to recover and counterattack quickly, as they had kept their reserve far away from the front line, up to 15 miles in places. While this kept them safe from Allied artillery and airplanes, it meant they could not launch a counterattack before the Canadians had secured their positions; unlike in 1915, Vimy Ridge would stay in Allied hands. The mandated pauses in the advance prevented the Canadians from pushing forward beyond their objectives, however, until late in the afternoon, by which time the first German reserves had arrived, and the commanders on the spot were reluctant to take the initiative. A tentative effort to break out onto the plains beyond Vimy Ridge with cavalry was quickly beaten back.
The British under Allenby, further to the south, had similar successes. This attack used more tanks; the few ones allotted to the Canadians got stuck in mud and proved useless. These tanks proved more useful, but all of them had been knocked out of action by noon. Advancing several miles, they had opened a four-mile long complete gap in the German lines, but would not make any further advance beyond the occasional patrol that day.
Today in 1916: Massive German Attack on Mort Homme
Today in 1915: Falkenhayn Agrees to Offensive in East
Sources include: Alexander McKee, Vimy Ridge; John Keegan, The First World War; E.L. Spears, Prelude to Victory; Derek Grout, Thunder in the Skies.
Preliminary Barrage Begins at Arras as RFC Launches Air Offensive
Artillery firing on the Germans; this was taken after the start of the offensive, after some guns had been moved forward into ground taken on the first day.
April 4 1917, Arras–The British offensive at Arras was planned for April 8; while it would be a large operation, it was meant in large part to tie up German reserves and divert the Germans from the main French attack along the Aisne. On April 4, 2000 British guns opened fire on the German lines along a twelve-mile front, destroying trenches and strong points, spreading poisonous gas, cutting wire, and disrupting the Germans’ communication with their front line posts. Small-scale raids by the infantry assessed the progress of the artillery and kept the German artillery occupied.
In the air, the RFC launched their own offensive on the same day. Major General Trenchard, commanding the RFC, ordered that “the aim of our offensive will therefore be to force the enemy to fight well behind, and not on, the lines.” In addition to providing aerial spotting for the artillery, British fighters attempted to dominate an area of the skies reaching as far as 15 miles beyond the German lines. While the British had a great superiority in numbers, their aggressive push over German territory and the more advanced German aircraft meant that the British suffered extreme casualties. In the first four days of the assault, the RFC lost 131 planes and 105 men, over a third of what they had started with in the area. This was the start of “Bloody April.”
Today in 1916: Brusilov Promoted to Command of Southwest Front
Today in 1915: Marshal Bülow Forced to Retire after Heart Attack
Sources include: Alexander McKee, Vimy Ridge; Randal Gray, Chronicle of the First World War; Peter Hart, Bloody April (thanks to @jimlolok for the tip).
The one who wildly misinterprets his own holy book and wants to institute a radicalized theocratic hellhole where the 21st century never happened and rights are denied to women and anyone of a different race or creed from themselves, obviously.
Sometimes I think about the future of self driving cars and how everyone I talk to about that future is like “okay but in an emergency we’ll be able to take back manual control, right?” and I usually placate them by saying, yeah, that’s totally how it’ll happen, but actually we’re already seeing the opposite. Cars with “self driving” features like steering and breaking that kick in and take control from the driver if the driver is about to rear end someone or is in a dangerous situation because the truth is computers can think faster and have better reflexes than us and I think about this going into the future and how if the self-driving cars are able to share their data with each other and learn from the driving experiences of every car on the road soon we’ll have cars that are so massively experienced at driving and avoiding accidents and making microsecond decisions and partial degree turns of the wheels and being so damn precise that automobile accidents will be almost unheard of and that’s when we’ll develop the most wasteful hilarious extreme sport in history where a single human driver will go up against an arena of ultra smart self driving cars and just by driving around recklessly try to coral them into crashing into each other and I tell you I would watch that sport all day.
The new WWE Women’s Championship
[April 3rd, 2016]
An informational page was handed out to attendees of WrestleMania containing the following write-up in regards to the new WWE Women’s Championship:
WWE is introducing a new Women’s Championship tonight at WrestleMania.
With the announcement comes a rich history of female competitors who have made their mark on the sports entertainment industry.
The lineage of female champions dates back to September 1965 when legendary WWE Hall Of Famer The Fabulous Moolah began an astounding 28-year run with the title. Her successor, fellow Hall Of Famer Wendi Richter, won the championship at the inaugural WrestleMania with pop star Cyndi Lauper in her corner in an event that melded the worlds of rock ‘n’ roll and sports entertainment. Legendary women like Trish Stratus, Alundra Blayze, Lita and Jacqueline followed in those footsteps, proudly carrying the title en route to WWE Hall Of Fame enshrinement themselves.
The championship has now undergone an incredible evolution. Molded after the WWE World Heavyweight Championship, the WWE Women’s Title contains 283 stones positioned on a strinking, white leather strap and a sleep, metallic recreation of WWE’s logo, which was constructed with assistance from Orange County Choppers of “American Chopper” fame.
Simply put, it is the perfect prize for exceptional athletes and role models, who are admired and idolized around the world.
Not only will our female athletes compete for a new title, but they will also be known as “Superstars”- a status deserving of their history of extraordinary accomplishments.
The NEW WWE Intercontinental Champion Zack Ryder!
[April 3rd, 2016]
I’m crying REAL tears of joy for this guy! Out of everyone in the match, if it meant more to anybody, it’d be shocking. All the kudos and pride for Zack Ryder tonight, the NEW WWE Intercontinental Champion!
I honestly can not believe that Seth Rogan is making a fucking R-Rated CGI animated movie about food to "stick it to pixar". Like that's the motivation behind this "passion project".
I read that script, in its entirety. Seth Rogan thinks that by the end of this abomination, we're going to laud him as some sort of subversive comedic genius. He thinks this is gonna make Pixar really think about their own product.
Seth Rogan honestly and truly believes that an executive from Disney is going to drive to a nearby theater on the day of release, he's going to go into the theater, go to the ticket counter (he doesn't like using the machines, he'd rather go to the person working the booth so that they can still justify their position).
This executive is going to say "One adult for that Seth Rogan animated food movie at the midnight showing, please.” This person will print off a ticket, hand it to the executive and the executive will hand over the money it costs. Then this executive will go to the concession stand and purchase a medium popcorn, no butter with a diet coke because his doctor told him he needs to start watching his waistline. He mentions this to the girl working the register, and tells her to “keep this a secret between the two of them, but he’s also going to buy a box of milk duds, don’t tell my Doctor.” The two share a chuckle at his joke, and he leaves with his snacks and drink.
He approaches the person at the entrance to the theaters. He hands off his ticket with some difficulty because he’s carrying a bunch of stuff and drops a few errant pieces of popcorn. The worker rips his ticket and tells him that “the Seth Rogan food movie is in theater 5, second from the right.” The worker is too embarrassed to say the actual title of the movie, because at least ten other people throughout the night have said “Heh, I hope it’s not gonna be an actual Sausage Fest, you know what I mean” and he can’t force the laughter anymore.
This executive then goes to the theater, finds an available seat (the theater is practically empty, the only people besides him are a couple on a date, and one of the two men clearly does not want to be at this film, he’d rather be at the new movie by the Lonely Island Guys because he has a huge crush on Akiva Schaffer. The executive sits in the center because he prefers to get the best audio quality and view of the screen. As he waits for the movie to start he pulls out his phone and participates in the theater’s trivia app challenge. He gets most of the questions correct, but he forgets when Rocky VI was released, so he only gets 200 Film points rather than 250, but that’s okay. He of course adheres to the commercial’s request that he turn his phone off before the movie begins and sits back to view this new Seth Rogan R-Rated animated comedy.
He sits through the entire thing. The other couple has left after twenty minutes. They could not watch anymore of it. He does not leave. He takes in every racist joke, every vulgarity, the entirety of the food orgy. The movie ends. He discards his empty drink container and box of Milk Duds in the appropriate refuse bin, and for a moment debates throwing out the half finished popcorn as well. He decides to keep it as a snack for tomorrow. The executive returns to his car, drives to his home, and goes to sleep.
In the morning, after packing his bags, eating breakfast and getting dressed, he kisses his wife goodbye then takes a taxi to the airport goes through airport security and boards a flight to Disney Headquarters in Burbank California. He takes his seat in business class in between a Japanese - American man and a woman from Germany. The two keep to themselves, but he figures out from the woman and her cell phone conversation that she works for BMW, while the Japanese man asks him who he works for, and after telling him he works for Disney, the Japanese man shares that he himself works for Boeing. The three do not talk to each other for the entirety of the flight. The Japanese man chuckles occasionally as he marathons Brooklyn 99, while the German woman is clearly brokering some kind of deal on her phone but the executive guy doesn’t speak German so he doesn’t know what the details are, nor cares, he drives a Honda.
Throughout this flight the man reads reviews for the movie he saw last night. He goes beyond the professional ones, he goes to reddit, tumblr, all social media outlets. He types up what he reads, he sees trends, reception. The plane lands in California, he collects his carry on and packs up his laptop. He nods to the other man as the two emerge from the exit gate and go their separate ways. The German woman has gone in the executive’s direction but is still engrossed in her phone call. She peels off to another part of the airport after awhile.
After a thirty minute wait for his luggage, the man goes through airport security and meets a driver waiting for him. He is taken to a nearby Hotel where he checks in, drops off his luggage and types up a formal report on his findings about the Seth Rogan food movie on his laptop. By the time he’s done it’s 3pm, he’s very jetlagged and goes to bed early at about 5pm. The next morning he enjoys the continental breakfast in the lobby, collects his laptop and meets the driver again and after a short drive is at Disney Headquarters. He checks in at the front desk and then heads up to his office. Jim is already waiting outside his door. He doesn’t really care for Jim, he talks way to loudly on the phone, he can hear it from like two offices over every time. He has no idea how Tina manages to deal with it considering her office is right in between.
Jim says hi, and that the other executives wanted to let him know the meeting was just shifted to 2pm. Jim didn’t get the email, they must have sent it to his home email address and not the work one. Jim leaves, our executive goes into his office, unpacks his laptop and prints off a number of copies of his report, gets them all nice and stapled and placed into folders.
1:55pm, our executive collects the folders and goes to the meeting room. There’s an intern outside the door, her name tag reads “Ariel.” He stops himself from making a Little Mermaid reference, he’s sure she’s heard it a million times, especially at this company of all places. He asks her to hand these out to the other executives. She tells him she’ll get right on it, and then he takes a seat at the table.
The meeting starts at 2pm, right on the dot. The topic revolves around ideas for Frozen 2. They want to do a good job on this, and everyone has lots of ideas about what should be in the next movie. Jim is quite vocal about reducing Olaf’s role in the sequel, he thinks that the film would be more appealing with putting even more focus on Anna and Elsa. Our executive nods, he likes what Jim is saying. Tina talks about how she’s working on having a new hit breakout song for this film, “There is no doubt in my mind we need another ‘Let it Go’ for this sequel.” She professes. The room murmurs in agreement.
It is our executives turn. All eyes go to him. “Well, if you could all please turn to the blue folders that our intern Ariel has kindly handed out to you all.” The other executives do so. “The night before my flight, I took the time to see that new Seth Rogan CGI vehicle…. Another executive, Emilio interrupts him “What was that called again? Food…something? I know it was about food.” “Yeah, that’s the one.”
“I saw the movie, and read reviews and looked at various social media outlets, and it got me thinking.” The other executives lean in, they are very interested in what he has to say. “I think it would be a really good idea if halfway through the movie, Elsa and Anna were both violently gang-fucked by an entire herd of Reindeer, and I mean visibly, full penetration, fluids everywhere, the whole 9 yards for five solid minutes with the song Tina’s been helping with playing over it. This new Rogan movie has really convinced me that if we want to stay competitive, we’ve really got to push the envelope. It’s a risk I think we need to take.”
Frozen 2 will be released with a violent bestiality scene halfway through. The critics will laud it as absolute gold. It sweeps the Oscars. Seth Rogan is cited in film studies papers for decades afterwards as the herald of a new era in CGI animation.
What is actually going to happen: Some Disney executive will read the script, find the red band trailer and send it to everyone in the office. Accompanying the link will be a single phrase: “Woah guys, looks like there’s a big game changer in town, lol!” The movie will bomb, being pulled from theaters after two weeks. Adult CGI animation will never reach feature length release ever again. The executive will probably get a talking to from HR about sending inappropriate content through the email system.
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