Up until now, my blog has been primarily Medfet Reblogs.
Interact with this post if you’d be interested in some original content, such as medfet illustrations found online, or original writings!
Aqua Utopia|海の底で記憶を紡ぐ

Kiana Khansmith

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@medfet-twink
Up until now, my blog has been primarily Medfet Reblogs.
Interact with this post if you’d be interested in some original content, such as medfet illustrations found online, or original writings!
Anna’sthesia
The sterile, cool scent of the operating room filled Anna's nose as she lay back on the table, the cold metal pressing against her skin. A thin white sheet was all that covered her, and it didn’t cover much. The bright lights above flickered softly, and she could hear the faint hum of machines, their digital beeps synchronized like a distant heartbeat.
A wave of nervousness curled in her stomach as the nurses snapped gloved on and fastened Velcro straps around her arms and legs. She did her best to remain still, but was curious to look around.
Dr. Miller, the anesthesiologist, leaned in close, her face warm but professional, her scrubs a shade of pale blue. Her brown eyes were kind, offering Anna a comforting look amidst the cold clinical atmosphere. "You're going to feel a little pinch, Anna. Just a quick one, okay?"
Anna nodded, the unease rising slightly in her chest.
Nurse Claire, standing beside the IV stand, smiled gently. "We’re going to take good care of you," she said, her voice soft, yet strong with reassurance. The soft rustle of her scrub sleeves was the only sound that followed her words.
Anna’s heart rate picked up as Dr. Miller prepared the syringe. The needle was thin, but it glinted in the bright lights. She felt a sudden tightening in her wrist, the pinch sharp but quick. A cool sensation spread up her arm. "Just the first step," Dr. Miller murmured. "That will make you feel a bit drowsy. Don’t worry, it’ll be easy after that."
The drug spread through Anna’s veins in a wave of coolness, a calm weight settling over her chest. Her eyelids fluttered as the heaviness of the anesthetic began to pull at her consciousness.
Nurse Claire placed a wrapped her purple-gloved hands around Anna’s, her fingers gentle and grounding. "You’re doing great. We’re here with you, okay?"
Anna’s eyes struggled to stay open, her vision becoming blurred at the edges. Dr. Miller moved fluidly beside her, now holding the oxygen mask in her gloved hands. It was clear, the rubber straps hanging loosely like a pair of soft ribbons. The mask, once held above her face, came closer, and Anna inhaled the sterile, faintly sweet smell of the air in the chamber.
"Just relax and breathe normally," Dr. Miller said softly as she carefully positioned the mask over Anna’s nose and mouth. The mask was snug but not tight, and as it sealed gently over her face, a soft hiss of oxygen escaped, calming the rapid rise and fall of Anna’s chest. She felt her breath fill the mask and the cool air rush in—every breath more deliberate, more natural, like the world was slowing down for just a moment.
Nurse Claire adjusted the straps, securing the mask comfortably. "Nice and easy," she whispered, smoothing the edges of the mask to ensure a perfect seal. Anna could feel the cool plastic against her skin, the faint pressure of it across her cheeks and nose.
The world around her began to fade. Each breath seemed to take her deeper. The sound of the machines grew distant, as if she was hearing it from another room. Her limbs grew heavy. Something was slithering its way up her IV. The rhythmic rise and fall of her chest was the only thing tethering her to reality.
A small voice broke through the soft fog in her mind. "You’re going to sleep now," Dr. Miller said gently, her words like a lullaby. "Just relax. You’re in good hands."
Anna’s eyelids fluttered one last time, the weight of the anesthesia pushing her further into darkness. She could still feel the cool mask, still hear the steady breathing of the women around her, but the pull to sleep was too strong.
Slowly, like sinking into a warm embrace, she let go.
Stages of anesthesia
Faces of intubation
Being exposed during surgery
I’ve seen some posts about people worrying what parts of their body get exposed during surgery.
Some people were worried about what parts of their body get seen or touched. Others were worrying about what position(s) they’re put into on the operating table.
I might be in the minority here… but I don’t think that’s something anyone should worry about.
You’re surrounded by medical professionals. Several of them. They’re not going to do anything nefarious while taking care of you.
You’re unconscious. You have an anesthesiologist watching everything that’s happening to you like a hawk and speaking up on your behalf.
And you’ll be told what will happen during your procedure in your appointments leading up to it.
Some procedures, such as endoscopies, don’t even required being exposed. You lay there in your gown and they don’t touch you other than probes going down your throat.
Other procedures the only parts exposed are the parts their working on. Everything else is either kept under your gown or draped.
It’s common to have bathroom accidents during surgery. Your body enters a state of relaxation that can’t stop anything. Would you rather they leave you in a soiled gown and you wake up feeling disgusting, embarrassed, and stinking up the hospital? Or would you rather they clean you up? And you would never know it happened.
And as far as position goes, why do you care? There are some surgeries that are able to be done less invasively because of the positioning of your body during the procedure. For example, endometriosis surgery has the body titled backwards to move her organs out of the way. Imagine if they had to make a large incision for someone to put tools into your body move the organs out of the way? That would be a much more difficult recovery.
When I had my gallbladder out, they told me that my midsection would be exposed because obviously that’s where the laparoscopic procedure would be happening. I asked if anything else would be visible, and the doctor said when they took my gown off there would be some brief exposure but they would be draping my lower half so nothing would be touched or remain visible.
And even if they had to see or touch me in some way out of medical necessity, I would want them to take care of me.
And I’m no smoke show, let me tell ya.
I’m overweight, and I have stretch marks in a lot of places. I have a scar across my chest and under my armpits from when I had shingles there as a kid. I have acne on my face and even on my shoulders. I have scars from my gallbladder removal surgery on my core, and one from a baseball injury on my shin.
This is all to say that I am not confident in my body, but it’s me. It’s all I know, it’s all I am. And if healthcare professionals need to see or handle something, then they need to do it.
When I’m unconscious and can’t control my wellbeing, I want smart, empathetic people calling the shots. Who better to do that than doctors and nurses, and where better to be than in the OR?
You’re never alone in that situation. In fact, there’s probably never less than 5 people in the OR when a patient is in there. You have the anesthesiologist, the surgeon(s), the nurses, the circulators, usually students shadowing some of them.
If something inappropriate were to happen, at least one of them would speak up for you. Realistically, probably more.
I understand the elements that go into this fear. You have no control under anesthesia, you don’t see, hear, or feel anything. Your brain doesn’t form memories, so you have no knowledge of what happened to you. Fearing the unknown is understandable in some cases. You’re vulnerable, and depending on the procedure, may be put in exposed positions by are handling your body.
But we’re not talking about the Epstein files here. We’re talking about medical professionals who are empathetic, intelligent, and have dedicated their lives to helping and healing others.
Again, I might be in the minority here, but I trust doctors and nurses to take care of me professionally. If they need to see or do something to my body when I’m incapable of doing it myself, green light. Go. Do it.
Staring contest
“Drew?” a pretty woman in black scrubs with a white mask around her chin asked as she opened the door. He stood up and began walking towards her.
“Hello, I’m Vanessa,” she continued as he got closer. “How are you?”
“I’ve, uh, been better,” he said shakily, his nerves taking over as he passed through the threshold of the door as Vanessa held it open. “This tooth is really bothering me.”
“We’ll get that fixed for you,” she said with a nod as if to say she understood his pain. “I saw your X-rays, you’re going to feel much better once it’s gone.”
“Uh, yeah,” he agreed. “I just - well, I don’t do good with medical stuff.”
“We’re going to take great care of you,” she said while putting a reassuring hand on his shoulder. She stopped and opened a door as she said “Come on in, we’ll get you setup.”
As walked in, he noticed the antiseptic smell got stronger. There was one chair in the middle of the room with a stool on each side.
“Please take off your hat, glasses, and remove all personal belongings from your pockets,” Vanessa said clinically, pointing to the counter. “You can put them in the back corner there.”
He gathered his phone, wallet, and keys and placed them in his hat. He put the hat on the counter, and then took off his glasses and put them on top. He heard the distinct sound of two gloves being pulled out of a box.
“Perfect,” Vanessa said from the stool on the far side of the chair. It was slightly muffled with her mask up now , covering her whole face except for dark-brown eyes. She patted the chair and said “Come on over and sit down.”
As he did, she began pulling the gloves on. They slid on as she pulled them taught, stretching them almost to her elbow, and released each with satisfying snap. They looked so smooth on her, like a second, nitrile skin.
He enjoyed the show. Something about gloves excited him. He tried to hide his smile though, he didn’t want her to see that.
He felt uncomfortable, he sat on the edge of the chair for a few seconds unsure if he wanted to sit all the way down. She suddenly appeared in front of him and sat down on the stool on this side.
“You’re nervous,” she said. It was a statement, not a question. She enveloped my right hand in both of her purple-gloved hands. “That’s normal, we’re going to help you get through this.”
“I-,” he trailed off, unsure how to continue but overcome with emotion as his eyes teared up.
“Sit back, you’ll be more comfortable,” she said kindly, even though it was more order than empathy. He begrudgingly swung his legs up and leaned back into the headrest. She swung the armrest into place, which made him feel like he was locked in.
“I’m going to walk you through everything I’m doing, okay?” she asked rhetorically as she took his right hand in her left. “First, I’m going to put a pulse oximeter on your pointer finger. This tells us your blood oxygen level and your pulse. It’s really soft, it feels nice.” She clipped it on gently, it was very soft.
“Next, I’m going to get you a bib,” she said as she got up and disappeared from view. He listened to her footsteps fade, a cabin door open and close, and then her footsteps approach again from behind. The paper bib came over his head with the metal clip on the left side. She appeared on his right as she looped the metal chain around his neck and clipped the bib on the right side. She gently patted it down to make it flat on his chest.
“Okay, Drew,” she started as she disappeared from view behind him once again. “Next step is to start some nitrous. This’ll help calm your nerves and make you comfortable.”
“Is that nec-necassary,” he said, voice cracking mid-word and his eyes tearing. She appeared with a mask hooked up to long corrugated tubes on his right.
“I think you just answered that question,” she said as she held up the tube with the open side pointed at him. It got larger as it came closer, settling around his nose with the tubes wrapping around the side of his head.
“I don’t think I want this,” he said hesitantly as she walked behind him again.
“Just try it,” she said. “I promise it’ll help you relax. Just take some deep breaths, I’ll be turning it on in a moment.” She tightened the mask to the back of the chair and began fiddling with the machine. He then heard the tapping of thumbs on a smartphone.
“Here we go, you should feel it soon,” she said as she sat on the stool next to him, intently waiting for a reaction. Her piercing eyes were locked on his face.
The smell in the mask changed, it became mildly sweet. Within a few more breaths he started to feel himself relax and sink into the chair, a tingling feeling extending down his limbs.
“I don’t want this,” he said, still on edge.
“Yeah…That’s not really how this works,” she said matter-of-factly. “We need you to be calm to do the procedure. I’ll turn it up for you so you feel it more.”
“Wait, no!” he yelled, afraid. “You can’t drug me.” She had already doubled his dose.
“Yes, I can,” she said confidently, her right cheek raising above her mask indicating a proud smirk. “I am in charge of your safety, and I need you to be in a good place to do this procedure.”
At that moment a new woman in blue scrubs entered with a cart. Wires and tubes came from everywhere, and there were several screens.
“This the guy who needs GA?” the new woman said brashly.
“What’s GA?” he asked incredulously. No one answered.
“Yeah, thanks for coming so quickly,” Vanessa said. “He’s very anxious and agitated, I started his nitrous really light but just doubled it so hopefully he’ll calm down soon.” The new woman looked at the monitor.
“Double it again, I’ll be right back,” she said as she turned and left. Vanessa reached back and twisted a knob.
“No! What are you doing to me?” he asked, clearly terrified. “Woah,” quickly followed as the new dose reached him.
She took his right hand in both of hers and said, “Drew, it is not safe to do this procedure on you while you’re this stressed out, anxious, and scared. We are going to put you under general anesthesia. You won’t see, hear, or feel a thing.”
“I didn’t consent to this,” he declared while trying to get up. He didn’t know that the mask was tied to the chair, so he couldn’t move his head. As he fiddled with that, Vanessa took a long restraint from under the table and put it around his ankles so his legs were stuck to the table.
“Why are you doing this?” he asked. He was trying to be angry but the nitrous was making that hard.
“Because I care about you and your safety,” she said gently. “This is what’s best for you, and for us.”
“Alright, let’s do this,” the new woman declared as she came back, entering the room, holding a silver tray. “Vanessa, would you be able to sit on the other side? I don’t think the cart will fit over there.”
“Sure thing,” she said as she got up. And walked around his feet. The nitrous was definitely hitting harder now, he was having a hard time focusing,.
“Thank you,” the new woman responded. She sat down on the stool on my right and looked down at me.
“Hello, Drew,” she said, staring at me intensely. “I’m your anesthesiologist, Dr. Charlotte Zimmerman. I hear you’re nervous about today’s procedure?”
“Hehe, yeah,” he said as the nitrous won. He was still angry and scared, but it was being suppressed by a tingly, euphoric feeling.
“I’m glad the nitrous is working,” she said before looking at Vanessa. “Can you recline him please?”
“Absolutely,” she said, with a metallic clank underneath me. The chair started moving with a jolt before she even finished the word. It made his body tingle as he moved with the chair.
“Drew, have you had anesthesia before?” Dr. Zimmerman asked.
“No,” he responded.
“Do you drink or smoke?” she continued.
“No,” he responded again.
“Do you take any medications?”
“No,” he said.
Do you have any allergies?”
“No,” he said again.
“Excellent answers,” she said admirably as she held up a blood pressure cuff. “Vanessa is going to put this on your arm. I’m going to start your IV.”
“No, she cant do that. I don’t want this, I didn’t agree to this,” he thought while the blood pressure cuff got passed over him. But he couldn’t vocalize them under the effects of the nitrous.
“Drew, can you extend your arm for me?” Vanessa asked politely. He didn’t want to, but she pulled his hand and he let her. Once taught, she placed a Velcro strap around his wrist and the arm rest, restraining his left arm.
“Why?” was all he could muster. He heard Dr. Zimmerman snapping on gloves in the background, a sound that made him nervous.
“Your arm needs to stay straight for the blood pressure cuff to work properly,” she said.
“Drew, can you extend your right arm for me?” Dr. Zimmerman asked. He knew what was coming and dreaded it, but he didn’t see another option, so he did it.
He was surprised when she took his hand and began poking it, delicately prodding for a good vein to place the IV. He looked over at her, poised, confident, every action measured and deliberate. But he still knew it was only a matter of time until his right arm was strapped down too.
“Umm,” he started, but was unable to put his thoughts together to continue.
“Drew, look at me,” Vanessa said from the other side as she held his left hand and began massaging the back of it with her thumb. He turned as she continued, “We’re going to take a great care of you. Keep breathing and it’ll be over soon.”
“Over?” he asked quizzically.
“Yeah, over,” she doubled down. “We’ll get some calming medicine in you, then you’ll fall asleep, and when you wake up it’ll be over.”
His eyes were teary. He didn’t want this, but he couldn’t fight it. He was also touched by Vanessa’s kindness and reassurance as she spoke softly to him and held his hand.
“There we go,” Dr. Zimmerman said as she located a good vein on the back of his hand.
“This is going to be a little cold, Drew,” she said as she began cleaning the area with a wipe. He started to look towards her but Vanessa stopped him and squeezed his hand.
“Keep looking at me, buddy,” Vanessa said as Dr. Zimmerman lined up the IV.. “It’s okay, we’ve got you.”
“Okay, Drew, big pinch,” Dr. Zimmerman interjected.
“Oh god oh god oh god oh god,” he thought, scrunching his face and clenching his eyes as he braced for pain.
The reverse psychology got him again. The needle slid into the vein with little more than a scratch. He felt dumb as he exhaled. Tears escaped his eyes as he unclenched his eyes.
“Aww, let me help you,” Vanessa said, retrieving some gauze. She dabbed the left side of his face. “Turn towards me so I can get the other side,” she said as her left hand turned his chin. Dr. Zimmerman taped the IV down.
“All better,” Vanessa said as she turned his head back to neutral. Coolness flooded his vein as Dr. Zimmerman flushed the IV with saline.
“Thank you,” he said. “You’re nice.” He really liked how caring she was, even though she was the reason he was stuck here.
“Okay Drew,” Dr Zimmerman said. He turned his head to see her holding a medium-sized clear syringe up to the light and flicking it. “This is a nice cocktail for you, you’ll feel very relaxed in a moment.”
“Do I need this?” he asked as she twisted inserted it into the IV port.
“Yes,” she said curtly as she pushed the plunger. Vanessa held his other hand and looked on intently as he waited to feel the effects.
“I don’t feel anything,” he said with a hint of disappointment.
“You will,” Dr. Zimmerman said as she removed the now-empty syringe from the port and let the IV fluids flush the line.
A few more seconds went by and he noticed his vision softened. The edges blurred, lights appeared brighter, sounds came from farther away. The tension melted from his body, his shoulders and hips sinking into the reclined chair.
“Woah,” was all he could muster to summarize the calm euphoria that flooded his body.
“Feeling good, buddy?” Vanessa asked as her cheeks rose up in her mask, indicating a smile.
“Yeahhhh, buddyyyy,” he said, the last letters of the words dragging as his jaw slacked.
“Oh wow, you like that,” she said with a chuckle, before looking at Dr. Zimmerman. “I think he’s ready.”
“Me too,” Dr. Zimmerman agreed. She reached for a medium clear syringe on her cart, popped the cap off, and inserted it into the port.
“What’ssss thatttt meannn?” he asked, barely able to speak as she pushed the plunger.
“You’re going to be asleep soon,” Dr Zimmerman replied firmly as she removed the now empty syringe, put it on the cart, and picked up another one. “Just a couple of medications to help with that and then we’ll give you the sleep medication.”
“Ohhh, youuu alreadyyy gaveee meee theee gooddd stufffff,” he said with a smirk. “I- I feeellll sooo awesomeeee.”
Dr. Zimmerman removed the second empty medium syringe from the port and put it on the cart. She then picked up a large syringe full of a thick, white liquid.
“Ohhh shittt,” he said as he recoiled, unable to find the words but scared by the size of it.
“Don’t worry, Drew, you won’t feel a thing,” Dr. Zimmerman said. “This is the sleep medicine, we’re going to take great care of you.”
“Ummmm,” he said, afraid but unable to find words. He writhed against his restraints but they held strong.
Dr. Zimmerman ignored him and looked at Vanessa. “Do you want to do the bite block before I push this?”
“Yeah that makes sense,” she said as she turned around to grab something from a tray behind her. Once she had it, she moved her stool directly behind the top of his head. Dr. Zimmerman attached the syringe to the port, but didn’t push yet.
“Hey buddy,” she said, her brown eyes looking directly into his. “Can you open wide for me?” she asked. He did, her purple left hand appearing over his face with her pointer finger. She slotted it into his gum to help open his jaw while her right hand slid the turquoise bite block into place on the right side of his mouth. It was uncomfortable and tasted bad, and she knew that by the look on his face.
Vanessa sat there staring down at him with her gloved hands rhythmically massaging his cheeks. He smiled, or at least as much as he could with the bite block in.
“You like this, don’t you,” she asked.
“Yahhhh,” he said, having difficulty speaking with the bite block. “iiiii feeees gooo”
“Good,” she said softly as she looked up at Dr. Zimmerman and nodded. She knew what that meant and immediately started pushing the propofol. He knew what that meant and feared how it would feel, dreaded losing control, and worried about how he would feel later. It was all pushed away by the calming meds.
“You might feel a little warmth in your IV or have a metallic taste in your mouth, Drew,” Dr. Zimmerman said. “That’s normal. Just pick a nice dream and we’ll see you in a little while.”
“Keep looking at me, Drew,” Vanessa urged, sensing him getting nervous. “Let’s have a staring contest, look at me and don’t blink.”
“Okayyy,” he said, fully knowing he didn’t stand a chance. A warm feeling was starting to spread around his body.
“You’re doing great,” she said as Dr. Zimmerman drained the first syringe, removed it, and grabbed the second. He didn’t even notice.
“Woahhhh,” he said as warmth turned to euphoria, his whole body tingling.
“Don’t look away,” Vanessa said. “You’ll lose!” His eyes started rolling back, but he brought them forward.
“Ooooh, nice save,” she said admirably. “That was close, keep going!” His vision was fading, he knew he was toast.
The next rollback wasn’t fightable. His eyes rolled back and his eyelids began to flutter shut.
The last thing he heard before the void of unconsciousness swallowed him was Vanessa coyly saying “I win.”
My lovely Sleepy-Pet....
If you’re looking for me, I’ll be in surgery ⛑️💋👅🩺💯
Close-up 3
Doctor!Abby X Reader Medical Play cw: psychological horror, medical horror, surgical imagery, captivity/restraints, forced medical procedures, non-consensual experimentation, body horror, blood, needles/injections, implied vivisection/brain surgery, obsessive behavior, manipulation, coercion, emotional betrayal, abuse of power, toxic dynamics, panic attacks, humiliation, invasive examinations, drugging/sedation, kidnapping, dehumanization, references to death and infection, grief/trauma themes, cult-like ideology, violence, emotional dependency, referenced sexual relationship, dubcon undertones, and graphic themes surrounding bodily autonomy loss. wc: 3.6k 18+ M&MDNI ONE SHOT FOR FUN
Your vision swam in and out slowly, consciousness dragging itself upward through thick black fog. Pain pulsed behind your eyes in slow, nauseating waves. Every breath felt heavy. Wet. Metallic.
At first all you could see was light.
A harsh surgical lamp burned overhead, flooding your face in blinding white until tears gathered automatically in your eyes. The brightness made your skull throb harder. Your hearing came next. The faint hum of electricity. The distant drip of liquid somewhere in the room. Metal wheels scraping softly across concrete.
Then finally, her shape came into focus.
A tall woman stood directly in front of you, broad shoulders cutting through the sterile light. Her grey-blonde hair had been braided tightly away from her face, not a strand loose, severe and clinical against the sharp lines of her jaw. Thin circular glasses rested low on her nose, catching the glare from above every time she moved. Her posture was calm. Controlled. Hands folded neatly behind her back while she simply stared at you.
Admiring you.
Your stomach twisted violently.
You jerked instinctively, but thick leather restraints bit into your wrists before you could move more than an inch. Another strap dug across your chest. Your ankles had been secured to the legs of the chair. Panic shot through your bloodstream so fast it made your vision blur again.
The room smelled overwhelmingly sterile. Rubbing alcohol. Bleach. Rusting metal. Underneath it lingered something worse. Something coppery and rotten hiding beneath the clean scent.
Blood.
You looked downward. Dark streaks smeared across the concrete floor in long dragged lines. Some looked old and dried nearly black. Others still gleamed wet beneath the overhead light. Surgical trays sat abandoned near the walls beside scattered instruments and stained gauze. A rolling metal table stood nearby crowded with syringes, clamps, scalpels, glass vials, and cloudy specimen jars.
Your pulse slammed harder against your ribs.
The woman finally moved.
She stepped closer with slow measured movements before bending at the waist until her face hovered inches from yours. Her fingers wrapped around your chin carefully, almost tenderly, tilting your head sideways beneath the light. The pads of her fingers felt warm against your freezing skin.
Pain split across your forehead.
You hissed softly as something wet slid down your temple. Blood.
You could feel it dripping.
Your breathing quickened.
You tried to remember your name.
Nothing came.
Your mind felt torn apart. Fractured into disconnected pieces that refused to fit back together. Fear rose so violently inside your chest it nearly choked you. You didn’t know where you were. You didn’t know how you’d gotten here.
“You know,” the woman said softly, reaching for a damp cloth beside her, “I never actually wanted to be a doctor.”
Her voice carried an unsettling gentleness to it. Calm. Intelligent. Like someone speaking during casual conversation over dinner instead of while restraining another human being to a chair.
She dabbed carefully at the cut on your forehead. The cloth came away red.
She sighed quietly through her nose and shook her head.
“Such a shame you fought back.”
Then she laughed softly to herself.
“And yet you still ended up here anyway.”
Your brows furrowed weakly.
The woman smiled wider at the expression. She tilted her head slightly, studying you the way someone might study a fascinating animal.
“You are a very special young woman.”
She leaned closer. So close you could smell antiseptic on her clothes mixed with iron and something distinctly metallic clinging to her skin.
“You know that, don’t you?”
You shook your head slowly.
Her expression softened with amusement.
“I did hit you pretty hard.” She chuckled quietly before sitting on a rolling stool nearby. “You’ll have to forgive me for that.”
The wheels squealed faintly as she pushed herself backward toward a nearby table. Papers rustled beneath her gloved hands before she lifted several brain scans into the light.
She held them up proudly for you to see. “You were bitten a long time ago.”
Excitement lit her face instantly. Genuine excitement. Her eyes gleamed behind the lenses of her glasses.
“I saw the bite on your thigh.” She laughed under her breath in disbelief. “And yet…” Her smile widened slowly. “Here you are.”
Your throat tightened.
Then memory returned all at once. Not slowly. Not gently.
It crashed into you violently enough to steal the breath from your lungs.
The Fireflies.
You remembered the compound hidden along the coastline. Crumbling concrete buildings overtaken by salt and wind. Rusted fencing wrapped in vines. Armed guards patrolling rooftops with rifles slung over their shoulders while waves crashed endlessly somewhere below the cliffs. The entire place had smelled like sea water, mildew, diesel fuel, and old medical supplies.
You remembered arriving half-starved and exhausted after weeks alone on the road.
You remembered nearly collapsing at the gates.
Then her.
Doctor Abby Anderson.
The lead surgeon. The Fireflies had spoken about her with something close to reverence. Some called her brilliant. Others called her obsessed. You remembered the way people straightened when she walked into a room. The way conversations quieted around her.
You remembered seeing her for the first time inside the medical wing beneath harsh fluorescent lighting.
Tall. Broad shouldered. Her braid hanging over one shoulder while blood stained the cuffs of her gloves during surgery. Circular glasses sliding low along her nose while she worked over an unconscious patient with terrifying focus. Calm hands. Calm breathing. Calm eyes.
You remembered how safe she had sounded.
That was the horrifying part.
She had spoken to you softly when treating the wounds you’d had when you first arrived. She had smiled while stitching your skin together. Asked you questions about where you came from. What you liked before coming there. If you’ve ever read any books or if you could even read.
You’d studied the wrinkles in her face that day, her beautiful smile lines. Even the cute freckles that scattered her cheeks.
And you had answered.
God, you had answered everything.
Your stomach twisted harder against the restraints.
You remembered the saltwater air blowing through the open hallways near the barracks at night. The distant cries of gulls somewhere outside the broken windows. Dim lantern light flickering during another blackout while the generators struggled to stay alive.
You remembered drinking with her three nights ago.
You had sat together in her office long after everyone else had gone to sleep. Papers and brain scans scattered across her desk while she loosened the braid from her hair. You remembered thinking she looked softer like that. More human.
She had laughed quietly at something you said.
Then she touched your knee beneath the table.
Everything after that came back in fractured pieces that made your skin crawl now.
Her mouth against yours.
Her hands sliding beneath your shirt.
The cold wall of her office pressing against your back while she kissed you hard enough to leave bruises. The smell of rubbing alcohol lingering on her skin even then. The way her large hands held your waist possessively while she whispered how beautiful you were. How fascinating you were.
You remembered following her willingly back to her private quarters inside the medical wing.
Candles burning low during another power outage.
The ocean roaring faintly outside somewhere beyond the walls.
You remembered lying tangled together afterward beneath rough blankets while Abby traced lazy circles against your bare thigh.
And then you remembered telling her.
Your chest tightened painfully.
You had trusted her.
God, you had trusted her.
You remembered whispering about being eleven years old. About the infected that cornered you inside an abandoned grocery store. The bite high on your thigh. The fever that never came. The days spent waiting to turn while everyone around you cried and prepared to kill you if you attacked.
You remembered Abby going completely still beside you.
At the time you thought she was shocked.
Now you realized she had been excited.
Your stomach lurched violently.
You remembered her fingertips brushing the scar carefully beneath the blankets. Her breathing changing. Her eyes darkening behind the candlelight while questions poured from her mouth faster and faster.
How long ago?
Did anyone else know?
Had you ever been tested?
Had spores affected you too?
You remembered laughing nervously because her intensity had begun frightening you.
Then came the final memory.
Abby standing from the bed.
You remembered watching her cross the room naked while her silhouette disappeared into the darkness near her desk. At the time you thought she was getting water.
Then she turned back toward you holding something heavy in her hand.
The last thing you remembered was confusion.
“Abby?”
Then agony exploded across the back of your skull.
Darkness swallowed everything after that.
Your breathing became shallow.
She noticed immediately.
Abby lowered the scans carefully before wheeling herself back toward you.
“I knew you were special the moment I saw you.” Her fingers brushed slowly along your cheekbone. “I could tell the moment my mouth was on you.”
Nausea twisted through you.
You tried to steady your breathing. Tried not to panic.
But then she pulled on a pair of pale latex gloves with a sharp snapping sound that echoed through the room.
Your entire body tensed.
Without warning she took scissors from the tray beside her and slid the cold metal beneath the fabric of your jeans.
You jerked hard against the restraints.
The blades sliced upward slowly.
Fabric fell apart piece by piece until your pants hung uselessly around your legs. Cold air flooded across your skin, leaving goosebumps racing up your body beneath your underwear and thin tank top.
Abby barely seemed to notice your humiliation.
Her attention had already locked onto the old bite mark high along your inner thigh.
She inhaled sharply.
The fungal cysts beneath the scarred skin had spread over the years, branching outward beneath the flesh like frozen veins. Abby touched them reverently through her gloves before reaching for a magnifying glass.
She examined every inch obsessively.
“Beautiful,” she whispered breathlessly.
The word made your stomach turn.
“You will be our vaccine.”
She rose immediately afterward and crossed toward a cabinet filled with supplies. Glass rattled softly as she pulled open drawers. Syringes. Blood collection tubes. Surgical tools neatly organized inside steel trays.
Your mouth had gone completely dry.
“Vaccine?” you whispered weakly.
Abby nodded frantically while preparing the equipment.
“Just as my father planned.” Her smile stretched ear to ear now, almost manic beneath the fluorescent light. “I’ve been looking for an immune person for years.”
She grunted suddenly, the sound rough and frustrated deep in her chest. The warmth that had coated her voice moments earlier vanished almost instantly. Her entire demeanor shifted beneath the harsh surgical light.
“We would’ve had one years ago.”
The words came out sharp now. Bitter.
Abby shook her head hard as if trying to physically dislodge the thought from her mind. One of her gloved hands came up suddenly, striking lightly against her own forehead. Not enough to hurt herself. Just enough to express the fury simmering underneath her skin.
“I was young,” she muttered through clenched teeth. “God, I was so stupid.” Her breathing deepened unevenly. “So stupid.”
For a moment she looked somewhere far away from the room entirely. Past the blood on the floor. Past the surgical trays and restraints and glaring overhead light. Her jaw flexed tightly beneath the fluorescent glow while something darker moved behind her eyes.
Then she inhaled slowly through her nose and straightened her posture again with visible effort, carefully forcing herself back under control.
“But he died.” Her voice dropped quieter at the last word. Not softer. Heavier.
She turned back toward you then.
And smiled.
The expression spread slowly across her face in a way that made cold creep down your spine. It wasn’t relief. It wasn’t comfort. It was devotion twisted into something frightening.
“But I am alive,” she said calmly.
She stepped closer until her shadow swallowed nearly your entire body beneath the surgical lamp. The smell of antiseptic and iron clung to her clothes.
“And so are you.”
She rolled back toward you quickly and tied a tourniquet tightly around your arm. Her fingers tapped against your skin while searching for a vein.
You winced.
The needle pierced your arm. Dark blood immediately flowed through the tube into collection vials.
Abby watched it with open fascination.
“It’s been difficult.” She sighed quietly. “So many people I brought here…”
Your stomach dropped.
You looked away from the needle, taking shaky breaths.
“So many people?” you asked weakly.
She nodded casually, like discussing routine work.
“We keep a testing farm nearby.” Her tone remained horrifyingly calm.
“I find stragglers. Travelers. Drifters.” She shrugged lightly. “We restrain them. Expose them to infected bites. Then we wait.”
Your blood ran cold.
“All of them turned.”
Silence swallowed the room for a moment except for the faint filling of blood tubes beside you.
Your voice trembled violently. “Were… were you going to do that to me?”
Abby laughed softly. “Of course.”
She sealed the blood samples neatly and placed them into labeled bags before standing again.
“But then,” she said while opening another cabinet, “I tasted you.”
Your chest tightened painfully.
She looked back over her shoulder with a smile that made your skin crawl. “And I saw the bite.”
You stared at her in horror while she filled another syringe with cloudy liquid from a glass vial.
She returned calmly and set it down on the metal tray beside you with a sharp clink.
Then she picked up a stethoscope.
The cold metal pressed against your chest.
“You’re nervous,” she murmured.
The diaphragm slid lower slowly. Across your ribs. Down your stomach. Lower.
You sucked in a sharp breath.
Abby leaned close enough for her lips to nearly brush your ear.
She pressed it to your cunt. You felt the cold through your panties. You hated that even now, if she’d let you, you’d fuck her again.
“But she,” Abby whispered softly, dragging the stethoscope lower between your thighs, “is very excited.”
You bucked your hips instinctively away from the cold touch before shaking your head frantically. Tears burned your eyes.
“I don’t want to be a vaccine,” you cried weakly.
For the first time, Abby frowned.
Not sympathetically.
Disappointed.
She pulled the syringe from the tray and pressed it into your arm without hesitation.
Cold liquid flooded your veins.
Your body immediately began feeling heavy.
The room tilted sideways.
The light above smeared into blinding white streaks while darkness crept inward from the corners of your vision.
Abby’s face blurred above you as consciousness slipped away again.
“That,” she said softly, watching your eyes flutter shut, “is not something you get to decide.”
_________________________________________________________________________
When you woke again, the first thing you felt was cold.
Not ordinary cold. Not the chill of night air or winter wind. This cold felt surgical. Artificial. It seeped into your bones from beneath you.
Your eyes fluttered open slowly.
Metal.
You were lying flat on a stainless steel operating table beneath blinding overhead lights. The surface beneath your back felt freezing even through the thin hospital gown clinging to your skin. Your teeth chattered involuntarily as another violent shiver rolled through your body.
The room around you looked different now.
Brighter. Cleaner. Prepared.
Large surgical lamps hung overhead like glaring white suns. Trays of sterilized instruments lined nearby counters in unnervingly perfect rows. Scalpel handles gleamed beneath fluorescent light beside forceps, clamps, drills, syringes, and bone saws resting atop blue surgical cloth. The sharp scent of antiseptic burned your nose so strongly it nearly made your eyes water.
And Abby stood directly above you.
She had changed clothes.
The sight made terror crawl instantly through your chest.
A pale surgical gown covered her broad frame now. Latex gloves stretched tightly over her hands. A surgical mask concealed the lower half of her face while magnifying lenses sat over her glasses, making her eyes appear enormous beneath the harsh light.
She looked less human like this.
Less like the woman who had once kissed you beside candlelight.
More like something clinical. Something detached.
Her head lifted when she noticed your eyes open.
Then she smiled beneath the mask. You could see it in her eyes immediately.
“You’re awake!” she said brightly. Genuine excitement lit her voice. “I thought you’d sleep through everything until sedation.”
A soft laugh escaped her.
Like this was charming.
Like this was normal.
You tried to sit up instantly, panic surging through your body hard enough to make your pulse roar in your ears, but restraints snapped tight across your wrists and waist before you could move more than a few inches. Thick leather straps pinned your arms outward against the metal table. Another secured your stomach. Another your chest.
Your breathing became ragged immediately.
Abby barely reacted.
“Oh sweetheart,” she murmured gently, almost affectionately. “Don’t hurt yourself.”
She moved toward the bottom of the table calmly before lifting one of your legs. The metal restraints clinked softly as she hooked your ankle into place. Then the other. Your thighs were forced apart beneath the thin gown while cold air rushed across your exposed skin.
Humiliation and fear twisted violently together inside your stomach.
Abby adjusted the restraints carefully, methodically, ensuring you could barely move.
“There.” Satisfied, she reached for a black surgical marker from the nearby tray.
Your stomach dropped as she pulled the fabric of your gown higher along your thigh.
The old bite scar stared back beneath the bright lights. Pale ruined flesh webbed with fungal growths beneath the skin.
Abby inhaled sharply through her mask.
Even now, after all this, awe still entered her face whenever she looked at it.
Her gloved hand steadied your leg while she began marking directly onto your skin. Circles. Lines. Notes. Precise surgical indicators surrounding the infected tissue. The marker dragged cold against your thigh while she worked with frightening concentration.
“We’ll have to extract the cordyceps from the brain,” she said softly while drawing another line against your skin. “You’ll be asleep of course.”
Your heart stuttered violently.
The room suddenly felt too bright. Too loud.
“F-from my brain?” you whispered.
Abby nodded immediately like the answer was obvious. “Of course.”
She moved away from you afterward, crossing toward the instrument table. Metal clinked softly while she organized tools into neat rows with practiced precision.
“I learned all of this from my father,” she murmured.
Then she stopped moving.
You saw the shift happen instantly.
Her shoulders tightened beneath the surgical gown. One gloved hand curled hard around the edge of the tray.
A low sound escaped her throat. Not quite a sigh. Not quite anger. Something uglier.
“But…” Her breathing deepened unevenly. “Joel.” The name came out like poison.
She laughed suddenly, sharp and breathless beneath the mask.
“Joel Miller.” The words dripped hatred. “That killer.”
Her voice cracked on the last word before she inhaled too sharply, struggling to steady herself. You watched her shoulders rise and fall rapidly beneath the fluorescent light.
Then she turned back toward you slowly.
And the fury vanished.
Softness returned instantly the second her eyes landed on you.
“But you,” Abby cooed gently. “Oh, you…”
She closed her eyes tightly for a moment like she was physically restraining herself from unraveling.
“Joel killed my father,” she whispered.
Then she leaned over you suddenly until her face hovered inches from yours. The magnifying lenses distorted her eyes grotesquely large above the mask.
“He took our vaccine away.” She spoke through gritted teeth.
One of her gloved hands struck lightly against her own forehead again as if trying to force her thoughts back into place.
Then her eyes snapped open. “But I found you.” Excitement flooded her expression again almost immediately.
She grabbed your jaw and forced your mouth open with gloved fingers, inspecting your teeth and tongue clinically while murmuring under her breath.
You struggled harder against the restraints. Sweat coated your skin despite the freezing air. Your pulse hammered so violently you thought you might black out again.
Then panic finally broke through your throat. “Wait!”
Abby paused.
Slowly, she straightened.
“Don’t be so harsh,” she said calmly.
You swallowed hard, breathing uneven and desperate. Your mind raced violently for anything that might stop this. Anything that might buy time.
“I…” Your voice shook with your breath. “You should run tests first.”
Abby tilted her head slightly. “I don’t need to.”
You squeezed your eyes shut briefly, forcing yourself to think through the terror clawing up your spine.
“You said I’m special,” you whispered quickly.
“I did.” She admitted.
“Then maybe…” Your chest heaved sharply. “Maybe you should test me first. Make sure it works before…”
You couldn’t finish the sentence.
Abby stared down at you silently.
The room became suffocatingly quiet except for the faint mechanical hum of the overhead lights.
Then her gaze drifted slowly toward the blood samples sitting nearby.
Thinking.
Considering.
Your heart pounded harder.
She looked back at you.
“You’ll run away,” she said flatly.
You shook your head immediately against the restraints.
“I won’t.” Your voice cracked desperately. “I’ll stay. I swear.”
Abby continued staring.
You forced yourself to keep talking. “I’ll be your perfect lab rat.”
The words tasted sickening coming out of your mouth.
But you saw it immediately.
Interest flickered behind her eyes.
Abby looked down at you for a long moment beneath the surgical lights, visibly weighing the possibility inside her head.
And all you could do was pray she believed you.
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once again day dreaming about being strapped to a medical table and being experimented on!!!!
Fighting it just makes it stronger
“I—I don’t like this,” David stammered as he settled on the table, his head resting in the donut-shaped pillow. “I want to stay awake.”
Nurse Lila giggled softly as she adjusted the monitor leads on his chest. “Oh, don’t be so dramatic. We’re just going to help you drift off, nice and easy.” She winked, the corner of her mask crinkling with amusement.
“Don’t fight it,” another nurse chimed in, drawing up the milky-white anesthetic into a syringe. “Fighting it just makes it stronger.”
David’s pulse raced on the monitor. “Wait, just—just give me a second—”
Dr. Vale gave a patient smile, her hand resting lightly on his shoulder. “You’re safe here, David. Let us take over for a bit.”
The IV line clicked as the nurse twisted the syringe into it and pushed the plunger. A warm heaviness crept up his arm. He blinked rapidly, trying to resist it, muscles tensing.
Lila leaned closer, whispering, “You can try to fight it, but we always win.” Her tone was teasing, kind, almost like a dare.
David’s protest came out as a slurred mumble. “I—don’t… want to…”
Dr. Vale’s voice softened to a lullaby as she lowered a clear mask onto his face, holding it on tightly with both hands. “Shhh. Just breathe. Let go.”
The world tilted gently. The overhead lights became distant stars. He felt laughter—was it his or theirs?—echoing through the blur.
Lila’s hand brushed his forehead. “Good boy. That’s it.”
His eyelids fluttered once, twice… and then the fight was gone, swallowed by the smooth, infinite dark.
“Out like a light,” said one of the nurses, smiling behind her mask.
Dr. Vale check the monitors as she began squeezing the bag. “Told you,” she murmured. “They always try to stay awake.”
Lila grinned. “But no one ever does.”
Always a Willing Volunteer - The Consequences
A medfet fantasy - not caring about the procedural authenticity
Follows on from the story links below
Always A willing Volunteer Pt 1
Always A Willing Volunteer Pt 2
Always A Willing Volunteer Final Pt
I became aware of sound firstly, as before, a rhythmic beeping slowly getting louder. As my mind came to, switch on if you will, I tried opening my eye. Blinking as focus returned, I tried to take in where I was.
I was sitting partially up in a bed, the room was dimly lit, with a window to one side, sunlight filtering around the blinds. A floor to ceiling glass panel made up one wall, looking to a corridor.
As my mind came to, the events that led to being here, started to flood back – the decision, the signing, the quick journey to theatre
“Oh my god, the program!”
I was quite sore, my chest, arms and belly all were uncomfortable. A mask was strapped tightly to my face, a black mask with a lovely rubber smell, I noted with a little glee. There was no tube in my mouth, and I felt a little sad at that. My hands were firmly restrained, as were my legs and I could feel catheters in place. I was mostly naked, I thought, though a sheet covered my lower half. I was warm enough though.
As my senses fully took in where I was, I pondered what had led to this.
“Can’t believe this is happening, was I mad?”
“But look at where I am, this is dream come true territory”
“But what was I thinking”
I could feel myself getting worked up, I was breathing faster and the beeping in the room was becoming more rapid. Maybe I wanted this, maybe I did not. I was equal parts scared and excited, and my brow was getting sweaty, a cold sweat.
After a couple of minutes someone entered the room. Wearing scrubs and a half fast respirator. “Nice look!” I thought
“Hello, good to see you’re awake. How are you feeling?” She came to the head of the bed, and touched a gloved hand onto my forehead, holding there for moments then reaching for a cloth and wiping my brow. Her hands gently touched the sore areas on my body, checking they felt like.
“I’m here” I said simply
She reached behind me and fiddled with the monitor, the volume of the beeping dropped, as my heart rate dropped now I wasn’t alone.
“The initial parts of the process have been completed, and you’ve been fine, no observed complications. We’ve been observing you closely. I’m sure you’re wanting to talk to someone about all that’s happened, I’ll go and fetch the Director”
She asked about my pain level, performed a couple more checks, again touching the sore points on my body. She picked up a tablet from a slot on the wall behind me, and she tapped away for a little, then left the room.
A short time later, the Director came in. He was dressed in a suit, but put on gloves when he came in.
“Hello, its good to see you awake and alert. I trust you are comfortable” I nodded in reply.
He came to the head of the bed. “Let’s remove that mask so we can talk”. He loosened the straps and removed the mask. Fresh air on my face felt good.
“Let me tell you where we are, and feel free to ask anything you want”
He pulled up a seat.
“We have inducted you into the program successfully. Our first steps were to set you up for the stay, and the ground work steps for the process. Firstly, we have put in lines permanently to allow us to put fluids and medications into your system quickly. Secondly, we have put a feeding tube directly into your stomach. This provides a level of nutrition to support your body until we move on the digestive tract removal, and it allows us to keep you in a suitable state for rapid return to surgery, should that be necessary. It does however mean you have eaten your last meal, I hope it was a good one!”. I recoiled slightly at that, I wish I could have remembered what it was and I could not!
“Thirdly, we have implanted permanent monitoring sensors into your body, and these communicate like Bluetooth with the monitors and nurse’s station. Lastly, you will have noticed the urethral and anal catheters. These will remain in place until each part of the process is completed, and like eating, urinating and poohing on your own are now a thing of the past. The final step taken has been to start a process to re-program your immune system, so that your body will tolerate the changes to come and not reject them”
“Wow, this all feels extremely real” I exclaimed, my voice cracking. I was feeling lost for words to react
Never in my wildest dreams had I thought such treatment and control could happen. I felt myself shaking slightly and feeling quite excited. I was fascinated, and horrified, by what had been done, and the way my body was being managed and changed. Truly it felt like heaven and hell at the same time.
“Do you have any questions?”
My mind was a blank, a blur too, but no questions sprung to mind.
“Please continue” I said, my voice shaky from the emotion coursing through me.
“So, I want to talk to you about why you were chosen, and how that helps us. Medical fetishism, we fervently hope that will give us the best chance of a successful outcome with the process. For it to work, we need the subject’s body and mind willing to accept and work with the change. To help that, we’ve made some adjustments to our methodology to make it attractive to your medfet side – unlike the military trials, you’ll be kept awake as much as possible, in the military they were sedated a lot of the time; all processes will be kept slow, deliberate and explained in detail; staff will wear more overt, over the top, protective equipment – all designed to engage your medfet side and have your mind in a restful and accepting place” He sat back, the same smug smile, so pleased with himself, as I’d seen when I first met him.
I looked at him, in fact I stared. I was plainly being manipulated, and in quite a base way, yet I’d signed up and couldn’t back out, so I would just have to lean into it and enjoy it as best I can.
“Erm, OK”, I stuttered “I did wonder why the nurse had a mask on and was touching me so much”
“I know you feel manipulated, and frankly you are being, but for the best of reasons: a successful outcome for you will be hugely beneficial too”
He sat forward again.
“Now, let’s talk about what is to come next. In a couple of days, once we’ve verified your immune system responses are suitable, we’ll start the surgical cycle with a radical cystectomy and Urostomy. This is where we remove your bladder, most of your urethra, prostrate, and route the urine output from your kidneys temporarily into an external bag”
I swallowed hard. This was real, and radical didn’t seem enough of a word!
He continued, without registering my reaction.
“Once you have recovered sufficiently, we will do a radical penectomy and orchidectomy, removing your external genetalia and the rest of your urethra and sealing up the surface smoothly”
At this I gasped and shivered. I remembered being told about it when the process was first explained, but in the cold light of day it felt enormous, too much to comprehend.
This time he noticed my reaction, and leaned in, a hand stretched towards me on the bed. “Are you ok? Am I going to fast?”
“n..no, its fine” I stuttered, lying through my teeth
“I’m not unsympathetic to how you feel, but we laid out that all this would happen, I know it feels radical when its all described but to benefit from the process all of this is necessary. Just imagine the surgery preparation and recovery time on the ICU, your medfet side will love it”
He sat back again. “Once recovery is complete, we’ll move onto transitioning you to a fully non-food nutrition regime, and then removal of the kidneys and implant with the device can be done”
I just stared, I didn’t know how to react. My decision of a few, what, days or hours before felt like a lifetime ago, and now actual fear had replaced the heady buzz of the decision, the radical surgery feeling much too far to go to experience all my medfet desired.
But I had no way out. None.
A nurse came hurrying in.
“I’m sorry to disturb, Director, but patient’s vitals are looking quite unsteady. I wanted to check everything was alright”
“Yes, its all fine”, he said dismissively “I have just been laying out the next steps of the program, and he has not reacted in the way we expected”
He stood up and came towards the bed.
“Maybe a period of reflection under anaesthesia will help” and he reached for the mask.
“No!” I said strongly as he pushed the mask into my face. I tried to shake my head out from under it. The nurse came to the other side and steadied my head, as the Director completed strapping it on.
He reached behind me and I soon smelled gas, strong and insistent. I tried to hold my breath, and the machine detected this and began to force it in. I fought but the machine was stronger, the gas that was coming in weakening me, and eventually I relented and let it take control.
“That’s it, let the gas take you and enjoy it. Your sort love it!” said the Director, sarcastically. “We’ll talk again soon, before the surgery, good bye”
As he turned to leave the blackness of unconsciousness took hold and I fell into its open arms, powerless.
Always A Willing Volunteer, final part
A medfet fantasy - not caring about the procedural authenticity
Coming to was a long process. I was first aware of the general sounds, footsteps in the corridor, doors opening and closing, some indistinct chatter. After a while I opened my eyes and tried to feel alert.
I yawned, and stopped myself – yawned? I couldn’t do that last time I was awake, the tube stopped that. I lifted my hand, and it cam to my face – no restraints. I patted my face and felt no mask nor airway. “Hallelujah” I said out loud, proving my tongue had also been re-enabled.
I sat up, first onto my elbows, then properly upright in bed. Everything that had held me, enclosed me and managed me was gone. No tubes to feed or medicate me, no restraints, no catheters.
On the table at the end of my bed was my bag of possessions. I reflected on what that could mean – had they chosen to reject me, let me go, after all? Why all the bother of the description of the process?
I sat and thought about what I remembered being told: the opportunity, the selection process, the procedure. All of it felt very real in my mind, and it made me excited to think about. The number of surgeries, wow that would be big, the time in hospital, which would be big too, but the changes would be HUGE. Fear crept in.
“Is this all worth it to satisfy your medfet cravings?” “Could you put yourself through that?” “Would it be too much?”
I shuddered, I smiled and I laughed. “too many thoughts!” I said out loud
After sitting for a few minutes, a nurse came by, and when she looked in and saw you up, she entered the room.
“HI, good to see you’re awake. Are you feeling fine?”
“Yes, I am. What’s going on, where’s all the kit?”
“Let me fetch the Director, he’ll explain it all” and with that she hurried off.
The Director breezed in, wearing simple scrubs and no mask this time. His face made a wide smile. He pulled up a chair beside the bed.
“I hope you have had a good rest, to reflect on the offer we made”, he said “as now is the time to make a decision – would you like to commit to the procedure, or do you want to pull out?” Again, the smile spreads.
“We only want subjects who are committed and desire to be here, as that gives us the best chance of success. As I said before, your profile indicated a strong desire to experience something akin to this, so we have high hopes you’ll join us”
Wow, I wasn’t expecting that, it felt so final before.
“Do I have to decide now?” I asked, my heart beat very definitely elevated, and my face going slightly red. This was so exciting and I couldn’t decide whether it was too much.
He sat forward, “We’d like a decision now, yes”, he said. “My admin staff are just outside, with 2 sets of paperwork. Should you decide to leave, there’s no hard feelings. We will ask you to sign an NDA, not discuss the program with anyone, and you can leave immediately. We might contact you in 6 months to review, but we may not and the opportunity will be gone”
“If you decide to stay, and we hope you do, we have some papers to sign, and you can be properly inducted into the program starting immediately.”
I swallowed hard, my heart rate really racing, my palms sweaty. I looked around the room and glanced at the Director. Looking at the bag at the end of the bed, I made my choice. It wasn’t hard.
“OK, I’ll commit and I’ll stay. This is so much that I want to experience”
Standing up, the Director clapped his hands together. “That’s excellent news” he said, beckoning a young lady in. Moving my bag out of the way, she laid some papers on the table. Passing me a pen, the Director indicated “sign here, here and here” as he flicked through the document. I signed quickly, if somewhat unsteadily, the adrenaline of my decision coursing through me. I handed the pen back.
“Fantastic. Now that’s done we’ll start. Some preparations are needed, and we do them under anaesthesia. The team are standing by, as we anticipated a positive decision from you. Please lay back, the porters will be here shortly”
“No time like the present”, I said, my voice quivering at the enormity of my decision, and the swiftness of their action.
The door opens and two porters come in. “As you’re still in a gown, there’s no need to get changed. Please onto the gurney”
I lift myself off the bed, and onto the gurney, a porter helping to lift my legs and as I lie back a sheet is pulled over me to my chest.
“Doctor Hal is waiting for you”, the Director said, “you’ll be very familiar with him”
The porters wheel me out of the room, and down the hall. Lights and roof tiles flash passed in a blur, until we stop they push open some doors and I’m in what feels like the OR ante-room again. Doctor Hal is there, with Anita. Both have full face masks and plastic protective clothing on.
“Hello, we’ve been here before. We won’t dilly-dally, the Director wants you ready as soon as possible.”
I hadn’t noticed that there was an anaesthesia machine in the room, unlike last time. I can see Doctor Hal adjusting it, and he turns with a black mask in his hand, big corrugated tubes stretching to the machine.
“Now just breath deeply and do as I say, as before, please”
The mask is placed on my face, tight grip, with my jaw pulled back by 3 strong fingers. The flow started. Strong smelling gases rush in, and quickly my head is spinning, only a few breaths. I cough, and I try to slow down my breathing and even try holding my breath. “Sorry” Doctor Hal says, taking a green rubber back with a hose attached into his hand, “we can’t allow that” and he squeezes the bag - once, twice
My head is really spinning now, and I feel like I’m sinking.
“Ready for airway, please, Anita”. The mask is whipped off, and an oropharyngeal airway pushed into my mouth, very business-like and without question. The mask is back on, and the Doctor squeezes the bag, again and again. But I don’t know anymore, as I slip into the welcoming arms of anaesthesia unconsciousness.