i think im so funny and it makes me wanna die

Not so fast Morty 🏃🏻 you heard your mom 🙎🏼 we’ve got adventures 🔥 to go on Morty 😱😩👌 Just you 🤦🏻‍♂️🔫 and me 👨‍🔬🔫 and sometimes your sister 💁📱 and sometimes your mom 👩🏼‍⚕️🐎 but ‼️ NEVER ✋ your 😤 dad! 🤷🏻‍♂️❌😷 You wanna 🙈 know why Morty? 🙊💯 Because he CROSSED me 😡🙅‍♂️ Oh 😵 it gets darker Morty 😎🌚 Welcome 👽 to the 😭 darkest 😈 year of our 👨‍👦adventures 🙏😫 First 1️⃣ thing that’s 👩‍🎤 different ⁉️ No more dad Morty 🆒 He threatened 👀👎 to turn me in 🙋‍♂️👮 to the government 😓🙄 so I made him 🤤🐀 and the government 💩 go away 🖕 I repla😖ced them both 🌜🌛as the 😈 defacto 🤡 patriarch 👴🏻 of your family 👨‍👧‍👦and 😲 your universe 😱🌌🙌 Your mom 🐎 wouldn’t have 👋 accepted 🤝 me 🙄 if I came home 🏡 without you 👦🏻 and your sister 👱‍♀️ so now you know 🎓 the real 💯 reason 🌟 I rescued ⛑ you 👍 I JUST 💅🏼 TOOK OVER 🔝😵 THE FAMILY 👨‍👧‍👦 MORTY 🙍🏻‍♂️ And 👀 if you tell 🗣 your mom or sister 👩🏼‍⚕️💁 I said any of this 🙊 I’ll deny it 🙅‍♂️😤 And 😏 they’ll take my side 💕😌👫 because I’m a 🕺 hero 🏅🏆 Morty 😂🤣 And now 👊 you’re gonna have to do 🤹🏻‍♂️🐒 whatever I say 😝 Morty 😥 Forever 🕐🕔🕤🕙💀 And I’ll go out 🚶🏼 and find 🔭 some more 🙀 of that 👅 Mulan 🥋🎎 Szechuan 🐉🏮Teriyaki 😫💦 dipping sauce 🔥👌🙏 Morty 💦💦💦🙌 Because that’s 👉 what this 🎉 is all about Morty 🍗 That’s my 1️⃣ one ☝️ arm 🤳 man 🕺 I’m not ❌ driven 🚘 by avenging ✊🏻 my dead 💀 family 😭👨‍👩‍👧 Morty 💧 That 🤣 was 🙉 FAKE ✨ I’m 👨‍🔬 driven 💨 by finding 👀 that 😩 McNugget 🤘 🍟 Sauce 💦 I want 😱 that 😳 Mulan 🐉🥋 McNugget 🤡 Sauce 🍆💦Morty 😭 That’s 💪🏼 my series 🎬 arc 🌈 Morty 👑 If it takes ❤️ 9 ❤️ seasons ❤️ I WANT 😫 MY 👏 MCNUGGET 🍗🍟 DIPPING SAUCE 💦SZECHUAN 🔥 SAUCE MORTY 😡😵 IT’S 🤤 GONNA 🤸‍♀️TAKE 🚀 US 🙆🏻‍♂️👴🏻 ALL THE WAY 💫 TO 👉 THE 👉 END MORTY 🏁 9️⃣ MORE 💰 SEASONS 🤖 MORTY 💎 9️⃣ MORE SEASONS 🙌 UNTIL I GET 🎁 THAT 😍 DIPPING ‼️🔥 SZECHUAN 🎎 SAUCE 🍆💦😩 FOR 9️⃣7️⃣ MORE YEARS ⌛️🕰 MORTY 💀 I 👏 WANT 👏 THAT 👏 MCNUGGET 👏 SAUCE 👏 MORTY *Credit: @galllfrey*

[twocubes]

[officialwakaflocka-deactivated2]

[plants4]

siri ur a judgemental piece of shit

[postllimit]

why iphones gotta take two million years to turn back on after they die like you plug em in and you’re all ready to start texting again but they’re like “nope. i gotta take some time for myself. figure out who i am. you hurt me too much the last time. let me think.”

[stimful-gifts]

View this post on Instagram

[geniusoflove]

this is the most dramatic video I’ve ever seen

[huskyvagina-deactivated20210528]

I’m gagging…

[wiiiine]

I thought the caption was an exaggeration but it’s not

[rhubabby]

take me to snurch (snail church)

[curioscurio]

if im careful i could whittle this peanut into sonic

[curioscurio]

he needs a paint job 

[curioscurio]

im physically nauseous 

[mitski-miyawakis]

psychic: *reads my mind*

my mind: da ting go skrrrrrrAT. pah-pah kak-kak-kak. skibiki pah-pah, and a pu-pu-drrrrooo-boom, skIYA! du-du ku-ku poom-poom. pOOm pOOm!

psychic: what the fuck

[mszarves-deactivated20200701]

wus poppin

[crimewave420]

[lesbiyot]

[mediocre-funnies-blog]

Me: oh thats cute

*checks price tag*

Me: no its not

[figglypuff]

[fedswatching]

[february-deactivated20160722]

casually going about your day when you realize you had homework

[lake-erie]

when u go to pick up the vase u saw on craigslist but when u get there it’s actually two people facing each other

[monicam]

my first attempt at a creepypasta (beginner here; go easy on me)

carpeted kitchen

[antipopes-archive]

i’m from new england so the idea of a state that big just confuses and upsets me so sign my whitehouse.gov petition to have texas separated into four smaller texi