ℳetanoiā

She was wrapped in a blanket of petals, surrounded by thorns — a soft beautiful heart guarded by strong walls.

[meet-the-sun-chaser]

The Reason I Stay

With the kitchen light on, we dance to "You Are The Reason" by Calum Scott. Move by move, we sway, our bodies in perfect sync. I smile, and you smile back, your eyes locked on mine. The rays of light draw a line across my face, and you whisper, "You are so beautiful." You don't know how that makes my heart bloom.

I couldn’t ask for another happy moment; this is the happiest I’ve ever been. After all these long, lonely nights without you, I feel connected again. Just the sight of your smile and the happiness on your face warms my soul.

“I’d climb every mountain,

Swim every ocean,

Just to be with you and fix what I’ve broken.”

And then you stop. I see a tear welling up in your eyes. I stop too, frozen in place. You sit down at the kitchen table, wiping away a tear. With a fragile voice, you say, "I’m sorry, honey..."

I feel like I already know what you’re sorry for, and with tears in my own eyes, I say, "It’s fine..."

But you shake your head. "No, you don’t know."

"I know," I say softly. "And it’s fine. You’re okay."

You look at me, searching my face, wondering if I really understand. “How do you know?”

I sit beside you and take a deep breath. "I saw the signs," I begin. "You barely called me anymore. Your texts were just 'good morning' and 'good night.' I kept finding condoms in your luggage. Many times, I thought about leaving, but I chose to give you a chance, without you knowing. I had faith that you’d come around, that you’d get better..."

"Honey..." you say, your voice breaking as you pull me into a deep embrace, crying harder than I’ve ever seen.

"Just... don’t do anything that hurts me again," I whisper, my voice heavy with emotion.

"I promise," you say, kissing my cheek and holding me so tight, as if you never want to let me go. “I love you very much..”

My heart feels so heavy, yet I’m glad it turned out this way. Just as I’d hoped, you are the reason I’ve stayed strong all this time.

[remanence-of-love]

[meet-the-sun-chaser]

Aku pasrahkan.

Some friends said I have to leave him. But some says he’s the right one for me.

What do I feel? I feel both.

Your funny laugh, jokes, easy life, your gentle ways on treated me, all makes me feel lucky that I met you. But the other time you just stubborn, hard to deal with, emotionally unavailable.

You have another side that I can’t enjoy even when I’m trying to. You are too colorful for my world which was gray and blue. You are too loud for my calming mind. But in the other hand, you tried to blend and catch me in my comfort zones. You tried to accept and goes along with it even when you feeling numb.

Sometimes I get and accept your effort and I feel lucky to have someone who can accept me for who I am. Sometimes you are calm when I was filled with rage. But sometimes your rage is something that drives me apart.

Thingking about partner that I want to share my life with, I sometimes think that having a partner just exactly like me, also not the answer. And then with you, I feels like you will be complete me. Its true that world will never be in a monochrome with you, but it will be painted with happiness, lessons, and adventurous.

I want you more. But I don’t.

I love you, its true. I want you to be in my life, it crossed my mind, but I don’t want to burden you with my hope. I only want to set you free. As free as your soul when you do something that you’re so passionate.

Maybe I just want you to, you know, just let you be who you are.

I want to let you free. You have a choice.

Want to rest my mind from this thinking. I rest it all to Allah. If we are meant to be together, the universe will makes us to.

[what-iz-life]

My childhood trauma didn't make me stronger. it made me a people pleaser. it made me forgive way too much. it made me not speak when i'm supposed to. it made me an extreme empath.

[meet-the-sun-chaser]

Hey,

You can read this or not, totally your call. I'm not feeling great about how things are between us. Remember when you said you were tired and had a long day? Instead of talking to me about it, you chose to chat with your friend. I get it, you find it easier to talk in German. But when I tried to bring it up, you shut me down.

I've been trying to talk to you, but it's like you're shutting me out. I'm really at my limit here, honey. I've had enough of feeling disrespected.

Maybe we were happy before, maybe not. But this situation is just too painful for me, and I can't deal with it anymore. I get you were tired, but taking it out on me isn't cool. When I tried to talk, you just threw it back in my face.

This whole thing isn't fair. It's tough to accept, especially when I've put so much love into this. Maybe love just isn't in the cards for me. I can't stand anything related to German right now, even though I used to pray for a German partner. But it's clear now that it's over between us. All I can hope for is to pick myself up and move on.

[theunaestheticstudyblr]

Something that schools don't teach you but is much needed: how to have a work/life balance that works for you.

As someone who works fulltime and does classes and attempts a social life and hobbies, this gets very hard and stressful. But here are some tips I have for helping:

Learn to say no and not feel guilty. Picking up that extra shift when you had plans? Politely decline. Your friend is begging you to take ANOTHER class when your plate is full so you can have one together? Just be honest and say you can't.

Prioritize your sleep and eating. You can't function well if you don't sleep and eat enough. These are not things you can just push aside and do when you get the time. These are basic things you need to survive. These are literally basic needs. Don't throw them to the side. Your body does its best to take care of you. Make sure you take care of it too.

Have boundaries and be firm with them. If you tell your manager you can only work x, y, and z, don't let them add a or b to it. Respectfully but firmly let them know that you can't take on those things and if they have you do a or b, your work overall is going to majorly decrease in quality. Schedule time for yourself. For studying. For going out. And treat those set aside times just like you would if they were work or school times or appointments. You are the most important part of your life.

Understand that some weeks are going to be absolute hell. You're not going to have enough time. You're going to be exhausted and cry and throw things and want to quit everything. You got this babe. Take breaks and remind yourself how amazing you are and treat yourself after.

Prioritize things and adopt better habits. Wash your dishes right after using them. Get a set bedtime. Get easy breakfast things. Take a walk.

Your friends will understand if you just need time alone. I promise. They love you and don't hate you because you're overwhelmed. I PROMISE. And if they don't, maybe they aren't really your friends.

Not everyone is a friend. Some people are acquaintances. Some people are a 5 minute smoke break at work for your sanity. Some people are drinking buddies. Some people are library study date friends. And that's ok! Not everyone has to be your bestie. And trying to put that much energy into that many people will drain you.

[loveyourlovelysoul]

If you grew up needing to keep everyone happy and content in order to avoid excessive negative reactions or behaviours, chances are you need to bring this habit also in the other relationships you join. So anytime the other person is feeling down, you may start stressing over what you can do to make them better, if it was your fault (you may think this even if it objectively isn't possible -eg. this person has had a bad day at work and you don't even work with them- cause you were often accused or blamed for everything in the past), and may stress them even more to get answers to your doubts.

If it happens, try to remind yourself that it's okay to have bad moments and to feel sad: it's part of life as much as feeling good and happy. It doesn't have to be your fault (and very likely it's not) and you don't have to be responsible for everyone's feelings. The person you're dealing with is just a person as you are, and they cannot always be happy and hyped, they do deal with stuff aside of your relationship too (not to say that even if it was something about the relationship, you still can give them space and the ability to process the situation at their own conditions). Let them know you're by their side if they need support or to talk or anything, and then let them deal with anything the way they rather. You don't have to make anything better for everyone, it's not on you. Sometimes people don't need to be saved by you and that's fine.

[meet-the-sun-chaser]

Dance on her soul

Wandering thoughts, I grew up always creating scenarios in my head.

Slow dancing in the kitchen light, you're too tall for me but I managed to lay on your shoulders. Allowing each word of "Fly me to the moon" to sink into our souls, awakening every feeling in our hearts. As we slowly dance, you look over me and kiss my forehead.

That is, my love. That's what I yearns for.

In other words, darling, kiss me.

In other words, please be true.

In other words, I love you.

Let me play among the stars, let me see what spring is like on Jupiter and Mars.

There, my love. That is where my little self is happy. She is now able to dance on her soul. There, she has a little smile. She is now in a rhythm where no one could ever write.

And she will dance forevermore.

[what-iz-life]

Your soul knows. It will literally tell you when it's time to start a new chapter of your life. Trust it.

[stay-close]

“Give people time. Give people space. Don’t beg anyone to stay. Let them roam. What’s meant for you will always be yours.”

— Reyna Biddy

[what-iz-life]

Maturity is not seeking revenge. It's healing and moving on, so you don’t become like the people who traumatized you.

[thoughtkick]

“Your naked body should only belong to those who fall in love with your naked soul.”

— Charlie Chaplin in a letter to his daughter, Geraldine

[x3nshit]

one thing i need to start living by is “become the thing that you want” if i want friends who throw themed parties maybe i should start throwing those parties. if i want someone who writes me love letters maybe i should start writing letters for the people i love. if i want to hang out at museums and pretty cafes maybe i should invite my friends to these places. and maybe even then i won’t find the kind of people i want to be around. but then i would have become the exact person i want to be around. and maybe that’s good enough.

[meet-the-sun-chaser]

Complicated

Hey, I miss you. But I'm not sure if I am. I just feel so lonely lately.

Yesterday's therapy session makes me think a lot. I just found out something that I might want to share with you. Even I don't know whether you want to know or not. I supposed I just want to tell you because, you know, you're my boyfriend and all. But I think you don't want to know, or I don't even know how the truth is.

So apparently, I have a trauma. Since I was 8 years old and the thoughts has been hanging inside my head all this time. I figured out that's why I was so willing to make everyone happy instead of myself. That's the main reason why I always feel so lonely and tend to push everyone away. Because I was scared. I'm scared of making others disappointed. I was too scared to make people hurts so I pushed them away rather than keeping them around. Turned out I never scared of making myself disappointed. I never put enough care about me. I never asked myself if I am feeling okay or not. I put everyone best interest in mind. I never put mine.

It is sad. I want to learn how to love and take better care of myself. I want to have the confidence like you. You never have something to be afraid of. You never prioritize anyone else beside yourself. You never afraid of making people sad or hurt. All you care about is just, you. You never feel so lonely in your life. Like everyone is just so happy to have you and you keep them around without even trying.

I am so jealous of you. I want to learn. Maybe on my next session. I know that I treated you so badly these days. Like I always sent a lot of love emojis in my long messages but I am not. I know that I didn't call you 'honey' like I always did. I guess I just feeling so much detached from myself and I was looking for the way back ever since.

I don't even know if I miss you or not. I just feel so complicated. Like there's this big burden in my head that I don't know what that it. Its just hanging on my head until I can solve it.

As I'm writing this letter, I saw your text just popping in. I sent you a small message written on my notebook and I was shocked by the way you replied.

"Ahh honey makes me cry, I love you so much sweetheart" with so much love emojis in it.

Hey you never cried before. Hahaha. I hope that's true.

[miring]

Saat dunia dijajah hiruk-pikuk alur video linimasa cepat seperti tiktok, reels, hingga youtube shorts yang membuat manusia seolah dipaksa berfikir pendek dan singkat. Ada dunia lain bernama tumblr, yang membuat seolah waktu berjalan lambat dan tenang, membuat penghuninya berjalan perlahan, berhenti untuk membaca, merenung, lalu kembali bergerak. Tak ada beat musik yang bising atau gerak layar yang menusuk mata, hanya ada tulisan yang dibaca.

Tumblr seperti kamar tempat kita berbaring setelah penuh dengan kepenatan dunia, tumblr seperti pantai kala senja tempat melepas lelah dari kebisingan kota.

[spiritualseeker777]

[sonandheirofnothinginparticular]