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will delete later but what is wrong with me rn.
one year ago I lost a very beloved pet to old age-related sickness and i sobbed for weeks/months and felt constant absolute devastation
this week I lose another very beloved pet to old age-related sickness and i cry hard for one day and then just feel nothing at all. where did all the devastation go? did i repress it all that quickly or is it just frozen? it feels like a very alarming open wound that i am super super aware of but i'm still waiting for the pain to start
is it because this time it came with more warning? so i was more prepared for it to happen? what is going on
i keep trying to remind myself that she's gone but it won't go into my skull! i still feel like she's around here somewhere just out of view. why cant i process it! i feel so so horribly guilty to not feel all the pain i know i should feel!
i know there are different ways to grieve and i shouldn't expect this time to feel exactly like last time. but i thought i would feel something! but its all stuck. i'm frustrated
i want to cry and sob and be unreasonable. my little girl has passed away but i can't get the message to stick in my mind. i can feel a glimpse of it every now and then when something tangible reminds me, i feel tears prickling behind my eyes and then it just stops and goes away. i saw a clump of her fur hiding behind a plantpot just now and remembered, 'oh my god, she's gone now, I won't find many more of these' and i wanted to cry and then i didn't
i'm kind of furious! which part of the useless wiring in my idiot brain is halting it all?
is it just a prolonged stretch of denial phase? or a learned response to shut down the grief so it can't go on for months and months like last time? well that's not helpful! quarantining the bad feeling isn't going to do anything but lift me further from reality!!!!!
feeling completely numb is worse than feeling devastated!
