[TEXT] I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
[TEXT] You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
[TEXT] You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
[TEXT] Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
[TEXT] the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
[TEXT] You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
[TEXT] Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
[TEXT] I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
[TEXT] He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
[TEXT] you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
[TEXT] Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
[TEXT] You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
[TEXT] She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts.
[TEXT] I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
[TEXT] And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
[TEXT] That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
[TEXT] We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
[TEXT] I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
[TEXT] I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
[TEXT] Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
[TEXT] What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
[TEXT] Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
[TEXT] Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
[TEXT] You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
[TEXT] I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
[TEXT] I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
[TEXT] He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
[TEXT] I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
[TEXT] Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
[TEXT] I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
[TEXT] Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
[TEXT] What wine goes with Cap’n Crunch?
[TEXT] So much tequila, so little girl.