LOVE: Action Not an Emotion
What is love? When asked this question most people would answer that it is an intense series of emotions because of an attraction to another person. These emotions vary. It could be the ‘butterflies in the stomach’, it could be the sudden surge of sexual desires, it could be the feeling of restlessness, it could be embarrassment, it could be jealousy, or it could be all of the above at the same time. The dictionary says the same thing. Merriam-Webster describes love as ‘a strong affection’. And this affection can either be brought by sexual desires or admiration.
All the things mentioned above are not false. Describing love this way, however, is insufficient. It is too shallow and too simplified for such a deep and complex concept. Love is not just emotions. It does not end with what we feel. Rather, it is made complete by the actions that we do.
Love is not just a strong affection for another person. Love is not love when it is an unexpressed emotion. What does this mean? For instance you have a friend and you feel safe, comfortable, and happy around this person. In other words you are affectionate towards him or her. Based on the shallow definition of love, you love your friend. But let’s say you never expressed your affection. Though you feel happy seeing this person, you never smile at your friend. Though you feel comfortable and safe, you never share your secrets and you never show your full true self. I am aware that these are extreme examples. I know it is impossible to be happy and not smile and I know it is impossible to be comfortable around someone and not share everything. But this is exactly the point. One does not simply feel love and not express it. Thus, unexpressed feelings of love is not love.
Love is not just sexual attraction. Love is not just an intoxicating rush of feel good chemicals. Romantic relationships may start this way but it does not end here. Love clearly goes past this stage. When one sees in someone more than what the eyes can see, sexual attraction is no longer part of the picture. By merely describing love as sexual attraction, love is being constrained into its most shallow form. But then, even this shallow form of love is not isolated to the feelings associated with it but also with the actions accompanying it. A person who is physically attracted to another person would do certain things to be noticed. Whether it be get the person’s number, tease the person if they’re close, or always help this person out. Even when one does not necessarily want to be noticed, it is the body language which gives him or her away. Love is action no matter what kind it is.
Love is not just a feeling of attachment. A mother would not always feel attached to her child. In fact more often than not there will be times when she’d feel angry or indifferent towards her child. Does this mean she does not love her child? Certainly not. This is why love cannot be defined merely as as emotions because emotions change. But love such as that of the mother’s do not. A mother may get angry but she would not abandon her child. She would still take care of him. This is love. Love is what someone does not just what someone feels.
Before concluding this essay, I would like to add this quote by Louis de Bernières in Corelli’s Mandolin:
“Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion, it is not the desire to mate every second minute of the day, it is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every cranny of your body. No, don’t blush, I am telling you some truths. That is just being “in love”, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.”
Indeed, love is not defined by the twists and turns in our stomachs, nor is it defined by the quick racing of our hearts, neither is it defined by any other biological responses of our bodies. Love is the actions that we do with or without regards to what we feel. In fact, love is defined the most by the lack of these thereof. Love is when although one is void of these emotions, he still does things to make people around him feel loved.
