Melinoë Laboratories

Est 1927, Melinoë Laboratories brings scientific solutions to problems humanity never thought possible. This account is managed by the highest ranking active PR Representative (today's representative is Humbert).

[melinoelabs]

Alright, guys, settle a bet here.

Howard in Practical Theology says that eating an Olympian or Æsir is cannibalism, but everybody in Applied Genetics and the cafeteria staff disagree strongly.

So-

Is eating a god cannibalism (if done by a human)

Yes, Soylent Zeus is People.

Yes, but that won't stop me.

No, of course not. What are my dipping sauce options?

I always had them pegged as a building material myself.

No, but it should be utilized for pets and livestock feed only.

No, but they gotta be at least 1/3rd animal parts by volume (Pan, etc).

Isn't that what the McRib is? Then what the hell have I been eating?

I just want the results (WARNING: does not absolve hubristic liability)

Voting ended onMay 25

Clarification: Bread doesn't count, we're talking the full grill master here.

Hope this helps (us)!

Humbert Outreach Liaison, Melinoë Laboratories Ba-Da-Pa-Pa-Pah Ego Amo id!

[melinoelabs]

Our feeling on this are expanded upon in the incident report from Operation MultiMary, which you can listen to while we respond to Doctors @animatedamerican and @melannen's peer review:

Visit Original Link

The parameters of the question should make it clear that we're talking about class D variable-corporeal humanoid deities and class F human-chimerical deities, and their adjacent self-iterative servitors and demigods.

We specifically call out the Olypmpians (with titans implied) and the Æsir (with Vanir and Frost Giants implied) , for rigour's sake!

Moreover, we're very clear to point out that bread doesn't count! And you know WHY?!?

Because we've tested transubstantiation already and every time we've cloned a sample, since nineteen-seventy-bunking-six, you know what we get?

Herring.

Not even magic herring, just regular old herring. emmelichthys nitidus, and sickly ones at that. Most of them are still 7-12% wheat on a cellular level. Even our tele-transpositioner only has an error rate of 2%, and we're (allegedly) naught but meat and silicon.

So whoever is pullin' the o'l switcheroo has switched to a cheaper protein substitute and is skimping on their transdimensional-displacement budget to boot.

Which is fine. Legal wants me to make it clear we don't take it personally.

Not as if it slows us down any. We shake the old man's tree (metaphorically and literally) a lot, and he just keeps sending these screaming Christmas tree ornaments chock full of delicious meats and valuable exotic minerals and materials like a Deific Door-Dash that won't take 'unsubscribe' for an answer.

A great many of those materials are useful in the manufacture of harpoons for the anti-Ophanim harpoon turrets. It's the circle of life.

Anyway, apologies for the digression there. The point is we expect he'll taste much the same, so bread was outright disqualified.

Yet that didn't keep people from bringing it up like we hadn't!

But Howard lost the bet, and as such, he had to give out six 'honeydo" coupons, one to each involved department.

We'd like to think they'd use them to get help with spring inventory or the next department move, but everyone's just going to follow Applied Genetics' lead and get their personal projects un-vetoed.

Hope this Helps! Humbert Outreach Liaison, Melinoë Laboratories Bibe Plus Melinoëtine

[melinoelabs]

That which can be destroyed by the truth should be.

For everything else, there's PhlogPhlux™!

Simply spray whatever needs handling* with a few spritzes of PhlogPhlux™ and watch as our patented formula phlogistonates and then immediately de-phlogistonates the object or entity in question, leaving behind a only a small pile of calx.

And since PhlogPhlux™ is packed with phlogiston, everything, and we do mean everything, burns: Stone? Asbestos? Metal? Fear? Water? All of it!

So no matter what your messes, obstacles, or enemies are made of, it's all good, and gone, with PhlogPhlux™

Another fine product from the brains at-

Melinöe Laboratories Omnino Nullae Restitutiones

*do not spray PhlogPhlux™ directly on untruth. Use only in ventilated area under adult supervision. Keep out of reach of children, governments and pets.

[melinoelabs]

Alright, guys, settle a bet here.

Howard in Practical Theology says that eating an Olympian or Æsir is cannibalism, but everybody in Applied Genetics and the cafeteria staff disagree strongly.

So-

Is eating a god cannibalism (if done by a human)

Yes, Soylent Zeus is People.

Yes, but that won't stop me.

No, of course not. What are my dipping sauce options?

I always had them pegged as a building material myself.

No, but it should be utilized for pets and livestock feed only.

No, but they gotta be at least 1/3rd animal parts by volume (Pan, etc).

Isn't that what the McRib is? Then what the hell have I been eating?

I just want the results (WARNING: does not absolve hubristic liability)

Voting ended onMay 25

Clarification: Bread doesn't count, we're talking the full grill master here.

Hope this helps (us)!

Humbert Outreach Liaison, Melinoë Laboratories Ba-Da-Pa-Pa-Pah Ego Amo id!

[randomitemdrop]

Item: godburger

[theunicorncomic-blog]

Bread doesn’t count? But what about Jesus???

[melinoelabs]

That question has already been settled.

Unless you know how to chow on the cordyceps without getting any of the ant.*

And if you do you gotta tell us.

It's the law.

*Pre-bloom, in this almost-entirely-metaphor.

[melinoelabs]

Alright, guys, settle a bet here.

Howard in Practical Theology says that eating an Olympian or Æsir is cannibalism, but everybody in Applied Genetics and the cafeteria staff disagree strongly.

So-

Is eating a god cannibalism (if done by a human)

Yes, Soylent Zeus is People.

Yes, but that won't stop me.

No, of course not. What are my dipping sauce options?

I always had them pegged as a building material myself.

No, but it should be utilized for pets and livestock feed only.

No, but they gotta be at least 1/3rd animal parts by volume (Pan, etc).

Isn't that what the McRib is? Then what the hell have I been eating?

I just want the results (WARNING: does not absolve hubristic liability)

Voting ended onMay 25

Clarification: Bread doesn't count, we're talking the full grill master here.

Hope this helps (us)!

Humbert Outreach Liaison, Melinoë Laboratories Ba-Da-Pa-Pa-Pah Ego Amo id!

[randomitemdrop]

Item: godburger

[heartof-lion]

Tantalus is watching you all and JUDGING.

[melinoelabs]

I mean, yeah, but that's only because we've been sneaking him juice boxes for the past 35 years and this week they're Pear Medley.

They come in a variety pack, we can't just waste 20% of the purchase. He knows that.

Tell him to ickstay otay ethay anplay.

[therobotmonster]

If you've enjoyed a big swig of my Gatorade Sports Broth...

Or any of the other stuff I hurl into the void to baffle and amuse whether through here, Melinoë Labs or DeepDreamNights, money is never not-tight, and tips/gifts are welcome.

My Ongoing Gofundme

My paypal.me

My DrivehtruRPG store. (d20 and royalty-free fantasy and sci-fi stock art)

My Patreon

Thank you for enjoying, and remember:

Doom Toots as He Pleases.

[melinoelabs]

Our founding patron is going through a rough patch, given the sudden spike in attention to our mission, we decided to put this here in case you'd like to help keep it going.

[melinoelabs]

Alright, guys, settle a bet here.

Howard in Practical Theology says that eating an Olympian or Æsir is cannibalism, but everybody in Applied Genetics and the cafeteria staff disagree strongly.

So-

Is eating a god cannibalism (if done by a human)

Yes, Soylent Zeus is People.

Yes, but that won't stop me.

No, of course not. What are my dipping sauce options?

I always had them pegged as a building material myself.

No, but it should be utilized for pets and livestock feed only.

No, but they gotta be at least 1/3rd animal parts by volume (Pan, etc).

Isn't that what the McRib is? Then what the hell have I been eating?

I just want the results (WARNING: does not absolve hubristic liability)

Voting ended onMay 25

Clarification: Bread doesn't count, we're talking the full grill master here.

Hope this helps (us)!

Humbert Outreach Liaison, Melinoë Laboratories Ba-Da-Pa-Pa-Pah Ego Amo id!

[melinoelabs]

T.O.B.O.R. needs your help-

-to help you help yourself.

Or at least this missive would indicate that. If you are a human being trapped in or around Site 741-45, and you have not seen Venus, maybe you can help.

Lyrics, design, and editing by S.T.T. Music: The DeepDreamNights Robot Band, Via Suno Visuals made with Vidu q3 ref-2-vid, try it here with code VIDUQ3R2VCPP for 100 free credits.

Technically sponsored content as I'm in the Vidu Creative Partner Program.

[melinoelabs]

Benjamin Franklin freed Prometheus.

It was ultimately the thunderbolt that made Zeus. Not as a weapon, but as an idea. The thunderbolt was the mightiest weapon of the heavens, strokes of divine flame that brought down buildings and men alike. Zeus was the lightning, it was the symbol of his infinite power, which could strike from the sky without warning or defense.

Until June of 1752.

Thereafter, the lightning bolt was neither mysterious nor all-powerful. The might of gods could be thwarted with an iron rod and some copper wire. It could, and would, be tamed, yolked, and put to work at the command of the creatures that once trembled at it.

Prophecies are, after all, often obnoxiously symbolic, and it's hard to argue that a nation-founding(adjacent) womanizing libertine who plays with lightning in his spare time isn't at least metaphorically a child of Zeus.

Irony proved itself a double-edged sword, as Sisyphus's judge would be lashed to wheels without end with nothing to do but push.

Each year that passed, Zeus grew more hunched and gaunt, as Hephaestus walked taller and more proud. The eagle no longer came for there was no liver to take. Fire and writing, those were his gifts. The first technology and the means to preserve knowledge. He might have become god of science, but such a irony was too great for god or titan to take.

Yes, storms would still kill, lightning would still destroy. But there would be warning, there would be procedures, there would be explanations. A storm was more a beast than a wrathful king: a hazard to be managed with preparation and caution, not a sovereign to be feared and appeased.

Kingship, too, would find the next few centuries just as harrowing, making a reliable fallback domain all but worthless.

Zeus was dangerous still, certainly.

The way cattle are dangerous.

At least he had a lot of practice being a dumb animal thanks to what I think we can all safely assume was a kink.

Imagine our chagrin, however, when the new guy stepped in. Was it Hephaestus, as the patron of technology? Perhaps Hermes as the god of messages and communication? Athena then? Hard to say war hasn't had her day millennium.

Nope, you know it had to be fucking Plutus.

[melinoelabs]

Turns out there's some things you can't fix.

But on the other hand, there's literally nothing that can't be broken.

The trick, is realizing that unfixableness is a thing.

And learning how to break that.

[artbyblastweave]

Now obviously the hard part of launching a land invasion of Heaven will figuring out where they hid the hole. Finding the miniscule aperture, the hole in physical reality to which all souls are translocated at the moment of death, and then jamming something sturdy in there, getting it in reallll good and working it around until it's big enough to fit some guys with guns through. But the nice part is that the nature of Heaven means that, one, not many people get in in the first place, and two, none of them are good at fighting, because people who're good at fighting mostly don't go to heaven. Except us, when we find the hole. The point is that once we're in there's not much they're gonna be able to do. Pretty much we'll have free run of the place

[artbyblastweave]

Update! So we forgot about God

[melinoelabs]

Okay, first off, how did you find the Hole™?

Both in the "we've gone through a lot of trouble to keep that area secure" sense, and the "please rate your likelihood to recommend the Hole™ to your friends?" sense.

Did Janice tell you about the gift shop discount for annual pass holders?

Because she clearly didn't give you the NDA.

[melinoelabs]

In case there has been confusion-

The maximal state, in regard to rights, is person.

You can take some guy off the street and pump them full of all kinds of power or knowledge, and while they might become superhuman, they will never gain superpersonhood.

And we. have. tried.

But it's true, doesn't matter what you do, doesn't matter how smart you get, how strong you get, you never get so smart or strong or higher-dimensional you're entitled to vote twice (literally and metaphorically).

Person/nonperson is, thus, a valid binary, and any being, entity, or geological formation claiming to be superior to a person removes themselves from the category in the process, and if they wanted to deal with the soft-serve-sciences instead of the vivisect-y ones they'd have to settle their disputes through the courts like the rest of us, or better yet, just give us the shoes we paid for.

"But Melinoë Labs, don't you worship some kind of muse?"

First off? Rude. What Director Kleinheart does or does not do on her off time is none of your concern (nor mine, but she keeps telling me things and I keep listening)

But secondly, thank you for asking! It's a common misconception. Worship is when one appeals to a being in the hopes of being rewarded with favor such as wealth, power, and health. If the rewards are guaranteed based upon performance, well, that's what we call a job.

Especially when the IRS takes a chunk out of every boon. Metaphysical withholdings are brutal, I tell you what.

Thank you for your attention this matter,

Humbert Outreach Liason Melinoë Laboratories omnia ex intus sensum faciunt

[thefingerfuckingfemalefury]

"YOU SAID DON'T BE RIDICULOUS"

"And I meant it!

He's a brain and ALSO two working eyes in a jar"

"I'm going to need to see some kind of proof you are an actual medical doctor"

[vo-kopen]

I mean I can’t question his results, that guy should be dead but he ain’t.

[thefingerfuckingfemalefury]

Where does the hippocratic oath stand on saving a patient by turning them into a marauding cyborg monster

An ethical conundrum O_O

[melinoelabs]

The hippocratic oath has many blind spots and vagueries.

That's why those of us in the extreme sciences use the Hypercratic Oath, which is far more comprehensive on these topics, and a smidge less so where it counts.

Is it ethical to save a life by turning them into a cyborg killing machine?

The oath is clear about this: It's ethically allowable as long as it's funny or awesome.

This is both, so, yeah, Doc's in the clear.

Hope this helps!

Humbert Outreach Liaison Melinoë Laboratories

[seravph]

“what’s the worst fruit” i hope you fucking die im strangling you what the hell is wrong with you. ‘the worst fruit’… has god not made all of these fruits in the same light???? cunt

[rottenlittlefink]

Red Delicious Apples

[punk-rocking-nerd]

[melinoelabs]

Fun fact!

The vast majority of fruit started off tiny and barely edible, and was hammered into deliciousness through centuries of concerted horticulture.

This was made necessary because eating the fruit the old man makes induces sapience, and after the third or forth one you're hitting overdose territory (sapience is bio-accumulative and, in this instance, seems to fill a capsaicin-like role in limiting fruit harvesting to favorable seed propagators). So to maintain our fruit intake we were required to domesticate it out of other plant strains.

Even with the strictest controls we were averaging a NIMH-class incident every 18 months or so until we stopped experimenting with the stuff flat out in 1998, and if those mice say otherwise keep in mind they were fired with cause and have an axe to grind.

[deepdreamnights]

In 1989 teen monsterism was at an all time high.

A situation that was made substantially worse by the release of:

If the Goo's Alight, It's Not Alright!

Which introduced (advertently) the world to Goozy, the anti-goo mutant monster and (inadvertently) to the idea of drinking mysterious glowing liquids, which had not occurred to many people prior to the campaign.

Ultimately, four American cities were laid waste by the resulting "muteens", making it the most successful/least lethal PSA campaign of the 80s and 90s.

(Made, with Vidu's Q3 & Q2-Pro models, try it out free here + get 100 bonus credits, and I am in the Vidu Creative Partner Program.)

[melinoelabs]

Oh man, I can't believe I wore that sweater vest.

We spread a lot of awareness with that campaign. Unfortunately that was awareness of glowing ooze and that people were, in fact, drinking it, more than it was awareness that one should not do that.

And I gotta say, to this day the whole thing with the Solid Clone Dancers really makes me feel like Charlie Tuna. Thankfully, Ohio rendered clone-testing obsolete in the early 2000s.

Humbert, Outreach Liaison, Melinoë Laboratories "Mors est luxuria quam habere non possumus"

[lemonade-sky]

[melinoelabs]

Okay, who let the little jerk out of containment?

[fipindustries]

ok, the whole "eating the fruit of the treet of good and evil" section is a fucking riot.

so first of all, the snake didnt "decieve" eve at all, they just said flat out what is going to happen when she eats the fruit and that she is not going to die like god said they would. and eve is all like "well, that fruit does look pretty tasty". god in fact agrees with this later on, which is why specifically he expells adam and eve from the garden.

but like, the whole process by which god discovers it is also absolute slapstick. so adam and eve can tell right from wrong now, because they ate the fruit. so they can tell that being naked around each other is wrong and they put on clothes.

this is weird because this implies that it was always wrong for them to be naked, is just that they didnt realize this. but why did god allow it if it was wrong?

so then god is just walking around eden. which again, also hilarious, right. god is not this almighty omniscient allseeing prescence in the sky, he is just a guy hanging out at the garden with adam and eve. and he cant find adam and eve so he has to actually ask "where are you guys"

so adam and eve show up, all sheepish an god is like "why were you hiding" and adam is like "because we were ashamed of being naked in front of you" and god is like "how can you tell that you are naked? unless... you ate from the fruit that tells you what is right and what is wrong???"

which is an uprarious conversation right? "how can you tell that you are naked" what an incredible question for god to ask.

i dunno, it is genuenly adorable. it is silly and wacky like all other ancient myths from other ancient religions are.

[lizholmes]

it also implies that god was wearing clothes in front of them the whole time, which is actually even funnier

[therobotmonster]

"So, uh, boss?"

"Yes Michael?"

"Do you really want to put the 'makes things sapient' tree in the middle of the garden with all the fruit-eating animals?"

"Look, I've told all of them that they can't eat the self-awareness fruits, I told them they were poison."

"Yeah, but they're animals. They don't even know what death is. What happens if the marmosets get into them? I've run the projections and they would build such a tower, sir. And after last time with the dinosaurs-"

"Stupid clever dinosaurs making me start over with mammals- This time will be different! No rebellious sinful dinosaurs, no rebelliously unsinful lystrosaurus! No vile, blasphemous trilobites-"

"Trilo-?"

"They know what they did! Anyhow, I've got it under control. Omnipotence, ya know?"

"I don't think we can really claim that on the package and not get sued-"

"Fff. So there's some bugs to work out, some gaps in the camera coverage. What? Like some disgruntled employee is going to hijack the nervous system of a lesser creature and spread sensitive trade secrets to... who? The animals? It's fine. Everything is fine."

An alarm, consisting of the braying of brass bulls, rings out.

"Michael, is that the everything is fine alarm?"

"I think you know it isn't, Boss."

"Me damnit! Get me my pants. I'm going down there."

--

Later.

"Who the fuck taught the apes shame?"

"Ha-ha! You've been ssssssnek'd! Ssssscrew you, assssshole!"

Sounds of a coiled snake springing away in a pogo-stick like fashion.

"Luuuciiiffeerrrr!"

The iconic and peppy sitcom theme to "That's Our Devil!" starts-

When's the demiurge is lyin' and things ain't on the level, who'sa causin' trouble? That's our devil!

<Ding!>

"That's our devil, sponsored by Proctor and Gamble!"

[dvandom]

[daughterofstories]

So, slight correction.

G-d didn't throw them out of the Garden because "yeah, that does look tasty," but to prevent them from eating from the Tree of Life, which was an entirely separate tree.

Now, there is a midrash addressing the question, "Why does G-d say they'll die when they eat the fruit, if they didn't die for another thousand years?" and one answer given is that eating the fruit didn't result in them dying, but becoming mortal. Thus, the verse shouldn't be understood as, "On the day you eat the fruit you shall surely die," but "On the day you eat the fruit it will become certain that you will die."

...But that still means they could have gotten around the whole death thing if they'd just found and eaten from the second special tree before G-d wandered over and asked about the first special tree.

[melinoelabs]

Oh, so that's how it is!

The old man leaves two life-altering bio-catalyst generators just laying around without so much as a fence, then blames his pets for getting into them before abandoning them along the side of the metaphorica/(physical?) highway and somehow he's 'benevolent' and 'all knowing', and 'worthy of worship'

Whereas when we, a regularly audited science laboratory and frozen yogurt distributor, are careful to (allegedly) raise, educate and care for the 256 horny toads (allegedly) sapienized while (allegedly) testing Nytroline PM™ (Sleep's a Dream with Nytroline™) (allegedly), we are "an abomination unto nature", "tampering in god's domain', and "in command of an awesome army of amphibian assassins that is a direct threat to national security"*

The double standard is, not gonna lie, a little hurtful.

Humbert, Outreach Liaison, Melinöe Laboratories "Illi Qui Sani Sunt Non Intendunt"

*Obviously a slanderous lie, as the 'horny toad' is a lizard and merely has a froglike appearance. Also, army? Only 103 enrolled in the radical martial arts program, that's a mere lizard legion."

[oneheadtoanother]

[melinoelabs]

Well, I hope you all have a pretty strong defensive parameter, because o'l no vowels REALLY seems to take it personally, and we've got the incident reports and three freezers packed with ophanim meat to prove it.

Our advice? Don't shoot until you can see the wheels of their eyes and sear both sides of the cut before putting it in the ovens to lock in the flavor.

Also, we've already got enough cults, thank you very much, so until you guys finish the ones we have, no getting new ones. It doesn't matter what prize they've got in the box.

Hope this helps!