Melissa Speaks

Melissa Kollar's personal blog

[melissakollar]

Arctic Red

There’s a reason I don’t watch horror films

I don’t know how to get away from the fear under my skin

Once it’s there, it doesn’t leave

It becomes some darkened part of me

I haven’t seen scare on a screen

Those tremors only come from within me

My surface self couldn’t be more glee

They don’t know, how could they see

I only know this darkness within me

I’m not alone, not at all

Loved ones can only build me up for so long before I fall

I really try, try to be high

I try to hold onto what I know is mine

Others try to lend a hand, but it can’t be done

Nothing eases my troubled mind

My strength as dwindled from the beatings from within

Some try to be supportive others just call it sin

To live a double life, for all those to see

But inside, I know that’s not me

I have no reason to feel so deeply grin

My life is full of love, up to the brim 

I have felt unhappiness before but never like this

There’s a hole, an icy tomb

Where my heart used to bloom

What color does the heart turn to

When all it’s blood as gone completely cool.

[melissakollar]

Man, Listen.

Man listen. I’m trying to talk to you about things. I’m trying to be a better partner here, but it is really discouraging when all you do is shut me down and ignore the words coming out of my mouth. I love you. I want to be genuine with you, but when you act that way it makes me want to run the other direction. I honestly think we could be strong enough to move past the bullshit that has gotten us to this place we are currently stuck in, but it has to be a joint effort. If you look at me and only see my mistakes... how can I get anywhere? How can we grow together if you still hold that against me? You have said multiple times that you have forgiven me. Have you though? Do you even want to?

Maybe you can’t.. and there is nothing wrong with that. Sometimes there’s too much damage to mend. I get that, and I have had relationships like it. I’m pretty sure we both have actually. We have talked about this. Trust me, if that’s what it is I will understand. I just need to know for my sanity’s sake. Don’t let me keep trying and loving you for no reason at all. I have been naive before but personally.. I think this is all just built up frustration. This is not how we were. This is not how I know we could be. We talk about things. We talk through things. We are better than the conversation we just had tonight.

Maybe I should have left that conversation to just my friends, but you’re my person. I tell you everything and I wanted your insight. I didn’t bring it up to hurt you or open old wounds. I brought it up because I love you and I want you to know what’s happening in my life. Especially when it comes to other guys. After you pushed, I felt that it was the right thing to do. I’m sorry, but I need to be able to do that. I need to be able to bring things up to the one I love without getting criticized or accused.

When we first met, I told you that I was happy with where my life was, but I am ready to settle down. You told me you were in the same boat. Maybe you just said that to appease me, but I was being honest. I don’t want to play these games. It’s not fun for me. It just hurts me because I truly care about you. The childish roller coaster ride is so old anymore it’s sickening. I want you. You know I do. I just feel like I’m waiting around for you to figure it out. It’s not fair. When we first met.. I gave you more than you have given me in months. I’m not just talking about sex here. We were crazy love birds most of the time and best friends all the time. I feel like you forgot all that.. but man... that’s all I have been reaching for and wanting back for months. I gave you something to hold onto back then.

You give me glimpses of the man you could be and then take them away within 24 hours. It’s exhausting, stressful, and hurtful. I say all that to say this... I love you, I want us to figure it out... but I need you to tell me where I stand in your heart. I have been pouring mine out to you for months. I won’t hold onto those little moments where you make my day. I have learned a hard lesson on that before. Sometimes I’m sure they are intentional and maybe sometimes they aren’t. I know that happens on both sides because you tell me how I’m awesome one day and then not. But I deserve more than just those little moments/days. We both do. And we are both better than what we have been putting each other through just because we are indecisive and hurt. I know you make me happy, and I know I can make you happy... but man please.. you just have to let me.

[melissakollar]

Sooner or Later

The night is deafening when the silence is listening I'm down on my knees, and I know that something is missing The back of my mind is holding things I'm relying on I choose to ignore it because I'm always denying them

I'm a bit of a manic when it's not as I plan it I start losing my head and then I get up in a panic Remember when we were kids and always knew when to quit it Are we denying a crisis or are we scared of admitting it?

I don't want to know

I just want to run to you Break off the chains, and throw them away I just want to be so much Shake off the dust that turned me to rust Sooner than later, I'll need a savior, I'll need a savior

It won't ever change if you want it to stay the same I really hate it but I know it's hard to choose if you're chained When it's all you control because you've got nothing else to hold You're getting tighter and tighter, it's getting harder to let it go

I don't want to know

[melissakollar]

To that interior designer living in Seattle.

Whoa, it’s officially 2019. It feels like yesterday was 2008 and I was hiding from the mall cops so I could hangout with my high school drop out boyfriend who I was convinced was the greatest thing in the world. I was 16 then, and I really thought I had everything figured out. I knew I wanted to be a hot shot interior designer and live in Seattle. I had a boyfriend who was perfectly okay with running away with me which did nothing to ground my outrageous outlook on life. I had a whole slue of friends who had my back. I had a steady job that was more fun than work. I had confidence through the roof and way more attitude than you at that age. Yikes!

It’s crazy what a decade does to you. I’ve aged. I’ve learned. I’ve matured. I’ve grown up as we all do. Sometimes I wish I could go back and shake that 16-year-old sass into reality. Even if I would have, I doubt that she would have listened. If I could go back and talk to that 16-year-old Melissa I would say something like this.

Love will level you but you know it’s worth it, so stop wasting time feeling sorry for yourself. Loss is a part of everyone’s life. Not just yours. Learn to rise up from the crushing losses you have already experienced. Trust me.. you’ll be no stranger to that feeling over the next decade. Knowledge is power. Learn every day. Pride yourself on your education and how far it can take you. Ride that wave. Don’t ever degrade your intelligence just because others might be intimidated by it.

Know in your heart that you are getting where you are going on your own. Yes - you’ll have help along the way. You’ll have guidance from people with both good intentions and bad. Be smart enough to know the difference and make the move against those who try to bring you down. Learn when enough is enough. Let the people who aren’t worth it go. Free yourself from the chains of family, love, and friendship if they don’t serve your spirit.

You are vibrate, beautiful, and enough. Steer clear of those who can’t or won’t see that. You don’t owe anyone anything. An introduction doesn’t constitute years of groveling. A gift should be a gift. If the giver is not willing to share their gifts openly then you don’t want what they have to offer anyway.

Fast forward 10 years. I have started my career in a field I actually love and research in my spare time just to stay sharp. My circle is much smaller, but the quality of the people inside it are far greater. I am even honored to have a few of the same friends throughout these years. That’s a blessing in itself. 

Family is more important to me now than I ever would have admitted when I was 16. I have shifted my focus from running away to staying together. I have nephews and nieces who look up to me. Sisters who confide in me. A brother who I miss dearly. A boyfriend who always supports me. I am surrounded by love and success. It’s exhilarating and wonderful.

These people haven't changed (except the boyfriend). They were always there. It was just a matter of me making the relationship something worthwhile. The change had to come from within me. If you want things to change, you have to do something about it. Blaming your youth only goes so far. Blaming your situation is stupid. If you don’t like something in your life, you are the only one who can change it. I wish someone would have told me that 10 years ago.

I hope you are able to take even a small piece of this advice no matter your age. It’s never too late to change your tomorrow. You are in the driver’s seat. No one else. Especially in those youthful years.. remember that. 

[melissakollar]

Let’s talk about my 2017. Looking back at it now.. “thank God I found the good in goodbye.”

[melissakollar]

This is so real for me. In many ways.

[melissakollar]

Fog

It was just a fog

I’m staring at a number I won’t call

Thinking you had changed

But when I finally call its all the same

Never cares about anything until the focus is on him

He doesn’t realize the pain he causes in my heart

Claiming I am the selfish one

Claiming I am the one who is confused

When you don’t even know what to do

When I ask you where you stand

All you can say is you need a second chance

Another look at what I can do for you

No ability to see the truth in everything I do

You just put up your smoke screen

Only let people see what you want them to see

But I know the truth

I know who you are and what you aren’t

I fell in love with a smoke screen  

The fog you put inside my head

On top of that crushing split

It was cruel to take advantage of my heart

I gave you love because you gave me hope

Hope that this would be something better

Better than I had for the past four years

You would actually listen and always want me close

Little did I know that was just the smoke

Driving home at midnight because driving with tears is better than showing you the pain you cause

Smother me in love then make up all these stories in your head

Accuse me for all your twisted endings

Starve me of that love you gave me so freely in the beginning

Put me out on my own when I need you most

Then panic and burn everything we had when I slip and try to actually move on

Then use it against me for the next three months

Decide on what you want then try to morph me into something that I’m not

Maybe I stayed because I saw so much of myself in you

The difference between us, I know this is wrong and you have no clue

[melissakollar]

I didn’t want to...

I didn’t want to love you. I even told you I couldn’t. It was a bad idea from the start. It was bound to fall apart. Regardless of how many times I told you the truth. You never would have seen through. Your cloud of fallacies hand-crafted by the one and only you.

I didn’t want to rely on you. I even told you that I couldn’t. Never depend on someone else to fix you. It’ll never work out. Don’t do it. Especially when that person is so broken and twisted himself. Never put your heart in the hands of some else.

I didn’t want to trust you. I even told you that I couldn’t. How did I trust someone who thrives on manipulation and secrets? “Us against the world.” More like me against you and all the half-truths you spread behind my back. You intend to hurt me. You intend to discredit my reputation and worth. I didn’t even know a game had started let alone that you were my opponent. I never wanted to be against you until you made me do it.

I didn’t want to play you. Until you made me do it. After so many months of chess. I was bound to jump to it. We hoped on a rollercoaster of tears and laughter. A ride that we would never break away from. A ride that just ended in disaster. 

I didn’t want to see you. Until you made me do it. I never would have believed it if I hadn’ t seen it myself. Vindictive moves and crossed promises. I never thought this was you. You painted such a pretty picture for me. But it was only a show. When people show you who they are. See it. See them.

I didn’t want to lie to you. I even told you that I couldn’t. 

[melissakollar]

Marijuana

I wrote this when I was 20.. I still believe EVERY WORD. I love seeing little pieces of the woman I have become blossom through my past thoughts.

-----

I used to be in a situation where someone close to me was “in the game.” He would sell, buy... everything. So naturally, I hated the thought of drugs of any kind especially weed. After fighting it for literally years, I stopped to think of the actual reason why I hated it. The only thing that came to mind was the face that it is illegal.

At first that was enough for me, but as I grew older I became more rational, more open-minded and more reasonable. Now, I say go ahead and legalize the stuff. I honestly think we could really boost our economy if the government would only tax and distribute the drug.

I do think there should be common sense regulations implemented alongside the legalization of marijuana. Similarly to alcohol, weed should be monitored and distributed with the care and consideration for the consumer and those around he/she in mind.

This is a perfect example of the human as the “reasonable animal.” When I was sixteen, I was ready to stand by the law no matter what it said, no matter how much sense it didn’t make. That was me without the reason. That was an instinct. Obey the law. Those are the rules. Period. Now being twenty, I have the mind set to challenge ideas and voice my own opinion. I found that my own opinion was different than that in which the law portrays. That is something I owe solely to the reason of a more mature mind.

One could argue that weed makes people unmotivated and slow-minded. I would agree with that statement and I would add to it: So what? So what if the people who work dead-end jobs want to spend their small amount of money earned on marijuana with nothing left for schooling or to invest in themselves.

Who’s problem is that? Not mine. If society became one big glob of useless mush, I would understand the reason for the reluctance to put weed on the legal market. Because there are people out there who care about their futures and care about going somewhere in this life, I don’t see that happening. Why not weed out the useless minds from the interviewing process.

Open up my job market!

[melissakollar]

Milan di notte #nofilter (at Milan, Italy)

[melissakollar]

When You Let Go of You | A Note to the Struggling

You know that feeling you get when you think something is up but you keep silent just to keep the peace? I am not talking about an abusive relationship or someone who you have to tip-toe around. I am just talking about the types of everyday pings to your mind. Those little instances when you feel like something is up but you don’t want to say anything to make a big deal out of it. Well.. when/if this situation arises for you in your life, let me tell you what not to do.

What follows is a heartfelt story of how I brought myself out of a seriously difficult situation in order to save my relationship and my self-confidence. My purpose here is to allow you to learn from my mistakes and to gain some insight from my experience.

I suffered from a serious heart problem last fall. I was out of work, and I had no one to spend time with besides my cat. Instead of using this time for something constructive, I did the opposite. I stopped caring about my body in almost every way, and I started dreading my doctor visits more and more. Or worse.. explaining (again) to family and friends why I wasn’t able to do anything because my heart was healing. I hated that I was 23 and suffering in this way. I just wanted to be normal. I wanted to have fun with my friends and actually go to work. I couldn’t and it was the most constricting feeling I have ever experienced.

I have always been a hard worker. I put my heart into what I do, and I strive for progression in my life. That part of myself had to be completely silenced. I couldn’t support myself and the medical bills alone were more daunting than I could even think about. This fact threw me into a downward spiral of self-loathing that I just couldn’t shake. I couldn’t exercise, I couldn’t work to support myself and I couldn’t have fun with friends and family because I had to “go easy.” Being restricted from these things made my already deflated outlook on life much worse. All I wanted to do was sleep. Every. Day.

Throughout this time I would pick up on small things my boyfriend would do that would make me think that something was wrong. He would ask me if I was happy nonstop. In retrospect, I probably should have woken up and realized that I actually wasn’t happy. My sisters also.. They would worry about me. Not just for my health but in general because I had isolated myself from them completely. You would think that these things put together would be enough to shake me from my spiral, but no.. not even close.

My birthday came and went. I still couldn’t shake this hopeless feeling. By this time I had gained almost 20 pounds and I just felt horrible. My heart had healed but the emotional damage was still eroding my self-confidence and demeanor.

On November 17th, 2015 my entire world came crashing down when my boyfriend and I had the largest fight of our entire relationship. He was tired of my snappy attitude and inability to smile. He had supported me through my entire health problem and he just wanted his girlfriend back. He wasn’t attracted to the person I had become, and he couldn’t take it anymore. At the time, I took serious offense to this and only made matters worse. I brought darkness into our home and I was the reason it wouldn’t leave. I realized this that night. I promised him and myself that I would break free from that gray cloud that I kept around me.

My heart was healed, I was back at work and there was no reason for me to keep feeling hopeless. Well.. no reason expect the fact that I had gaining a substantial amount of weight and that made me not even want to look at myself. Regardless, I opened my eyes for the first time in three months and truly saw how destructive I was being to my relationships and myself.

I started working out the next morning. I love fitness. I love moving my body and feeling the effects of a runner’s high. I had forgotten that in those three months. My boyfriend was able to jolt me awake and back into my life. The weeks that followed were rough to say the least, but I had a plan. I had a new-found focus to make myself better and to reach down and pull myself out of the darkness.

My message to you:

If you are going through a difficult situation similar to mine. If you just feel useless and sad every day. If you don’t really understand why you are so mean to people, and you hardly even realize it anymore. Please use my story as an example of what not to do. Do not turn bitter towards those that you love. Do not allow yourself to hate yourself for a situation that you can not control. Please do not let it get to the point where you will lose those you value most because of your own darkness. Wake up. Let it go. Move past this struggle and learn from it. You are better than that. You are stronger than you think, and you will overcome.

My struggle is not yet over. I still have a bit of weight to lose and my relationships are slowly mending from the damage I caused. Healing is a process, and let me be the first to tell you that it’s okay to have an off day. When those days start turning into weeks, and those weeks to months.. that is when I want you to change something. Change because you’re worth it.

[melissakollar]

I literally hate Bieber. This song though... I am playing it on repeat these days. He really does have a great message in the lyrics with this one. It reminds me to stay focused on what is important in life instead of getting consumed with work and stress. Love is so important in life. It’s even more important to get it right. 

[melissakollar]

What “Nothing” Means on Her Birthday

Alright boys. You have all been there. You ask your girl what she wants for her birthday and she gives you that notorious answer: “nothing.” Men are logical creatures. Naturally, you feel like you’re off the hook when you hear that word. Oh buddy. That the farthest thing from the truth.  Your girl may not be materialistic. She may not want anything because she feels happy with everything she has. She may not even know what she wants. The last option is usually the case. That is when you have to go to work.

When your lady says that she wants “nothing.” In her mind, she is letting you run wild with whatever you want to do to celebrate her special day. Obviously, she doesn’t actually mean that she wants literally nothing from you. Trust me - that is the biggest mistake you’ll make this year. 

To her, “nothing” means a sweet night with maybe a movie and dinner. It could also mean a nice card with a handwritten note attached. It could just mean flowers and a foot rub. Most women are lovey creatures. This means that you really have to deliver in the romantic department. If not any other day of the year, you have to pull through on her birthday. 

Trust me when I say this. If you do pull through, there will no limit to the amount of love she will show you within the months going forward. Especially the days following her birthday. Trust me - you want what you will earn from her if you get her birthday right. 

[melissakollar]

This is one of the good ones. I am all about self love and putting yourself first. This song has the perfect girl power vibe that will lift you up every time. Love it!! <3

[melissakollar]

Makeup as a Mask

I didn't even know this was a topic up for discussion until I met my current boyfriend. Every time I spend time on my makeup, he likes to remind me that I look "better" without it.Guys, don't ever tell your girlfriend that. She wants to look exceptionally pretty. That's the whole reason she took all that time on her face. She understands your good intentions and you really mean that she is beautiful to you no matter what. I promise, she won't take it that way. Bless my guy's sweet heart for his kind words but he kinda missed the mark on that one.

I, being the editor of a beauty blog, was very put off by this comment. My frustration lead my boyfriend and I into a conversation about makeup in general: the purpose of it, how it can be deceiving, the feeling women get once they put it on and etc. His unfortunate view of makeup is that it is fake. deceiving and annoying. He views makeup as a mask to hind behind. Mine view is very different. 

When he first told me this, I just laughed. I thought nothing could be further from the truth. Then I looked into it. I watched some YouTube videos and read a few blog posts. I could see his point. Some women are completely over-killing it. I saw a few before makeup and after makeup pictures of celebrities. That was enough to convince me that some people actually do use it as a front.  

This whole idea is just crazy. You can put all the makeup on that you want, but you can't hide a poor self-esteem. You can't fake confidence with or without a full face of makeup. 

I view makeup as an artistry. I view it as a way to express yourself and boost confidence. I view it as something to give a woman that extra push she needs to hold her head high. 

So.. if you are one of those people that hides behind a mask of makeup, stop. Please.. just stop. You are beautiful. Use makeup to add to your already beaming attitude. Don’t let makeup be the only reason you love yourself or the way you look. 

[melissakollar]

It doesn't matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop.

Confucius

[melissakollar]

I can relate to this song in so many ways. It describes my love with many different people in my life. These lyrics always give me to courage to move forward when I want to give up on a love or a person.