I am bisexual. The definition of this is the attraction to both males and females. But for me, this means that gender doesn’t define who I love. I love freely, no matter what the genitalia, because that’s how my head works, and that is how it has always worked.
Now, being raised in a Christian home that does not align with this, I know that many people think that I chose this path. Maybe I am doing it for attention, maybe I’m doing it because I’m selfish, maybe, who knows, I’m not the one who questions it. I’m writing this post for that reason.
The first time I remember having a crush on a girl *gasp* was when I was in about the first grade. I told my best friend that I wished I could marry her. She blew it off, but I truly meant it. I wanted to spend every day for the rest of my life with her. At about the same time, Attack of the Clones was released and Natalie Portman, and boy oh boy, who wouldn’t have a crush on her? I dressed up as her for Halloween and would play pretend conversations with her some days where we were in a relationship. Tell me how as a first grader, you think that I chose to have these feelings.
As I got older, I realized that my female Christian friends didn’t think of other girls the same. I remember attending a sleepover with a group of friends in the seventh grade and one of the girls said that she got physically I’ll when people of the same sex kissed. What the hell? A girl that I thought was extremely cute agreed with this, and it crushed me, but since all of my friends said it, I did too. It didn’t feel right to say it, but I did it.
Once I realized it was looked down upon by this religion that was a HUGE part of my life, I unconsciously suppressed these feelings towards other females. It was wrong, that’s what my parents said, that’s what my friends said, that’s what my teachers said, that’s what the church said. This was something I chose, so I could choose to not be it as well. At least that’s what I thought.
When I was 16, I met a girl that changed my life forever. She was my best friend and she was bisexual. Our friendship was so dramatic that it might as well have been a relationship, but I was convinced I was straight by then. I watched her have relationships with other girls and over time realized that I was experiencing jealousy. I fell in love with her, and never told her and never pursued it. Probably because I was convinced that I wasn't bisexual.
When I got to college, I was still in this mind frame of denying my sexuality. I didn’t have a problem with the LGBTQ community, but I definitely was not a part of it. As I began studying art, I realized that my favorite works were often nude bodies, specifically female. I was also beginning to increasingly reblog the naked human body on my personal blog, regardless of gender or shape. I believe that the human body is one of the most beautiful things to grace this earth.
Despite this, I still tried to deny my sexuality. Because I hadn’t been with a woman, I convinced myself that I was just fantasizing, and that I wasn’t ACTUALLY attracted to females. Guess what? I was wrong, society was wrong, the church was wrong. I didn’t choose this. I’m not selfish, etc.
I am bisexual, I always have been. I am more attracted to females than I am to males, however, I can’t deny that I’m attracted to the other sex. If I am with a woman, I will still be bisexual, if I am with a man, I will still be bisexual, if I am with a non binary or someone anywhere else on the gender spectrum, I will still be bisexual. The beauty of the human body and mind are great enough that my mind naturally doesn’t have barriers on who I love.
Now that I have come to terms with this, I don’t intend living my life hiding and denying it. The past year, I have been living out to people that I come in contact with, and my life is better for it. I am writing this post for the people that I have been hiding it from my whole life, because I want to say that I am still the same person I always was. Props to you if you read all of this, I really just needed to get it out.
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